After 7 long weeks in hospital on a section 3, I’ve been given a week’s home leave. And I’m already struggling.
The consultant was a new one, and he actually listened to me and removed the personality disorder diagnosis and said there was nothing wrong with my personality and when I am well I am a polite and sociable person so he said I definitely don’t have borderline personality disorder. Not saying if you’re not polite you have it, just quoting his words!
However, he also removed my bipolar diagnosis and replaced it with schizoaffective disorder (depressive type). I had a psychotic episode whilst in hospital and they said I lacked all insight and capacity and I had to be injected and sedated on a few occasions because I was so poorly. So he has put me back on my aripiprazole depot injection plus prescribed oral aripiprazole for 1 week every month when the depot wears off. As well as haloperidol PRN for if the voices come back.
I don’t know how to feel about the new diagnosis. On the one hand it’s good because I’ve finally got a diagnosis that seems to fit and not some half baked idea from the old doctor who was obsessed with personality disorders. However on the other hand, it’s a serious condition and I feel ashamed to have something like that.
At home I feel overwhelmed. Every single thing in this house is a reminder of my old life, and the lack of children here is so horrible. My bedroom is a total state. There are empty pill packets everywhere and clothes all over the floor. It reminds me of the state I was in before going to hospital and that makes me sad.
Whilst I was in hospital I smoked weed to numb all the pain out, and continually got drug tested and failed them. As soon as I got leave I bought codeine online and I can feel that my life is totally out of control and I am slipping back into my old ways. I haven’t smoked weed since I was 17, and I’m 30 next week, so I feel like I have failed. A girl offered me some and I loved how it made me forget everything for a while and just felt high, so now I’ve got that to deal with as well. Hopefully I can just stop as I don’t know anyone to get it from.
I really feel that postpartum psychosis has ruined my life. In 2016 I had everything, and now that’s all gone, and I couldn’t be more miserable if I tried. I’m so sad, if I could turn back time and change things I would. I don’t even feel like a mum anymore, I feel like a 30 year old unemployed (lost my job too) debt ridden drug addict. The hospital want me to go to an addiction place, to get help with the codeine addiction but I’ve refused and they put down “in denial”.
Sorry for this post, I know it’s just rambling but I needed to get it all out. I’m sorry xx