After my PP in October 2021, my lithium went out of therapeutic range in August 2022 and I ended up back in hospital for a month.
This morning, my husband got out some sertraline to return to the chemist. I moved it from the buggy to my bag so it wouldn’t fall out. He insisted on going into the pharmacy to watch me hand it over and I told him to trust me and leave. When I got home, he wanted to check my bag to see it had gone.
This has made me really upset. My husband is accusing me of hiding the meds somewhere. Apparently the fact that I’m crying lots is a sign that I’m getting ill again, rather than how upset and infantilised I feel by this.
To top it off, his parents are coming this afternoon and he’s told them he thinks I’m getting ill based on the above. It was very unhelpful having them around in October 2021 and I don’t relish the thought of seeing them later today.
Can anyone suggest any tips for dealing with a lack of trust on managing your illness? When I’m well, I’ve been told by multiple people that I’m very insightful about my condition.
Thank you!
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Alpav
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I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through such a distressing time. Coping with a relapse and hospitalisation, and then not feeling supported and trusted by your partner on top of that.
I hope his parents’ visit today hasn’t caused you any more difficulties - but I think it would be perfectly reasonable for you to excuse yourself for some / all of the visit if you’re finding it all a bit too much.
Perhaps with your husband you could find a quiet moment after his parents have gone and you’re both feeling calm to have a bit of a chat about the medication and why you feel he was distrusting and infantilising you. I think lots of us on here who have experienced PP will really empathise with that feeling of being infantilised - it was a huge part of my recovery, to feel like I was in charge of my own meds and medical care. It sounds like that’s important for you too, and so definitely worth bringing up with your husband. He might become a little defensive, so I guess to help guard against that you could keep your statements focused on how his behaviour is making you feel and not on his behaviour itself. I hope that makes sense! A clinical psychologist taught me about this technique it’s basically “I feel like XYZ when …. “ I think it’s meant to defuse potential conflict as of course it’s impossible to argue about how a person is feeling!
Hope this is helpful. Take care of yourself and do keep posting here if it’s helpful - we are all here for you!
Thanks so much for the response and sorry for the time it’s taken to reply. The in-laws’ visit went ok thankfully. I haven’t spoken to my husband yet so am hopefully feeling a bit calmer. Thanks for the reminder on “when you said X, that made me feel” - should be more constructive than my initial reaction!
Really glad the visit went well and that you’re generally feeling a bit calmer. You are doing so well to keep your cool! I just remembered another “top tip” and I’m not sure who told me this but it definitely helps - side by side talking can make hard topics easier to broach. Eg when you’re in the car or out walking together. Hope you’re well and all best wishes
I am so very sorry that you have been ill with PP and are having such a difficult, distressing time with your husband. I hope that you can take courage from Kat’s helpful reply. I hope that the visit from your in-laws went well. I did not suffer PP myself, my daughter did, she is well now. I know how traumatic and shocking the illness is for the whole family. I wonder if your husband and wider family have seen the APP Insider Guides on this link: app-network.org/ Hopefully the guides may help with their understanding. I also wonder if you are still under the care of your mental health team and perhaps your husband could speak with them about his worries.
I'm so sorry to hear about this experience with your husband today, and really resonate with how difficult it can be to feel trusted and empowered at times when in recovery from PP.
I hope it helps to know that I've certainly been through this kind of interaction with my husband (and in-laws!) over the years. What has helped to establish more of a sense of equality in sharing our concerns with each other has been taking time to talk one-to-one when we're not angry, frustrated or defensive (easier said than done!) I'm sometimes better at writing things down in the "when you say XXX I feel XXX" in a WhatsAPP message or notepad then talking it through when my husband has had time to process!
It can feel a very difficult place when expressing valid emotions to have others tell you that they think you are unwell. Over time, I think I've learned to say to my husband that his own fear and trauma from my hospitalisations is really valid, but not an excuse to keep me in a 'patient/carer' relationship. Thinking about recovering from PP as a husband, wife and kids has been helpful as we've tried to recognise that we all hold grief and triggers and that we'll all get worried at times.
Well done for recognising that time with your in-laws was tricky last time, and if there's a way to take some space for yourself even stacking the dishwasher or watering plants during their visit, it can help.
Here to talk any time you need - this restructuring of relationships after the shock and trauma of PP can be tricky and take some time. Being insightful and communicating about how you're feeling is a good first step - it's a process!
Thanks that’s super helpful. Probably not surprising to hear others have experienced things like this too, but it always make such a difference to me when I don’t feel so alone.
Brilliant tip on the list - I’m currently writing mine down!
I’d say if you were tearful, take the Sertraline. My husband got very micro-managing after my illness too.
The thing is, he sounds like he does want the best for you and probably thinks he’s doing you a favour getting his parents round to help with the kids.
I wonder if there’s anything you can do to put them off? Or even better, let them come and babysit and you have some time to yourself!
You could try explaining that you feel undermined when he checks what you do.
I still don’t know why the big rush to get sertraline back. It’s helped me enormously over the years.
Excuse me if I’m incoherent or rambling today, I had a tummy tuck on Friday and am high on painkillers!
Thanks for sharing this. Was there anything in particular that helped with how your husband treated you? Or was it partly after being stable for a period of time? Hope you’re recovering from your operation on!
I just asked him to stop micromanaging me. I said it was unhealthy for our relationship and refused to ask him things, I just did things. Also, if he does something you don’t like, I’d say: ‘you’re micromanaging again, because you are checking my pills. Stop treating me like a child please. I don’t micromanage you.’
It’s about being assertive. You could suggest marriage counselling if he won’t stop. You can state, ‘I’m well again, stop it please.’ When you consistently call him out and refuse to be controlled he should stop.
I’m sorry to hear that you fell ill due to your lithium being out of the therapeutic range.
My experience caring for my wife with Lithium is that the ‘range’ can vary due to the weather - if you drink too much water during a heatwave, it can be affected. Even the recommended therapeutic range has changed.
Perhaps your partner is unaware of how the lithium range can be affected which has generated feelings that you need to be more closely monitored.
I find myself worrying from time to that my wife is displaying signs of becoming unwell, when it’s not.
There is plenty of really supportive advice already posted here. Hoping you and your partner can carve out some time together to talk and listen to each others concerns and rebuild the trust so you stay on the same page in relation to your recovery.
Thanks everyone for your advice. Galvanised by what you’ve all said, I made a list and talked to my husband this morning. I’m also a bit calmer unsurprisingly- the title to this post was written when I was feeling really raw.
His take on things was that the probability of me getting ill is low (I’m good at taking my meds when I’m well), but high impact, especially now we have a son. He’s not normally an anxious person, but my illness appears to be an exception and so he wanted to get reassurance that the sertraline (which could send me up) was gone. I explained why his behaviour was so triggering for me and that I wanted him to trust me when I said I’d handed it back to the pharmacy. He seemed to understand where I was coming from, but wouldn’t shift his position. I can’t decide if I’m ok with this. He asked what I’d like him to do differently and I said not have a repeat of this. Any thoughts?
Glad that you are feeling calmer. Well done bringing the issues more into view, talking to your husband about your concerns and having the foresight to prepare yourself. It is only natural that your husband would be anxious about you when you had been so ill. It does seem, sadly, that some trust may have been lost for now. I wonder if you could see your Doctors together to help with his understanding. Also, as well as the APP Insider Guides, there are husband/partner APP Peer Support Volunteers who your husband could be linked with if that may be helpful. Also I wonder if marriage guidance may be an option.
Take care of yourself. Wishing you health and peace.
Thanks that’s a helpful reminder on all the partner/family support available through APP. I’ll mention it, but he seems to mostly have an aversion to talking about things!
Hi Alpav, I am so glad you spoke with your husband, you waited till things were not so raw anymore and you wrote things down to clarify your points, the best way possible to approach this, massively well done.
It shows how much both of you care for each other's feelings, that you were able to explain your different point of views and have those feelings validated by the other person. I think it was very positive that your husband reciprocated your honesty by talking about his worries and fears. That is a good sign of the respect and care you have for each other.
I had pp in 2018 and I remember my husband being very worried in case I missed a dose of my antipsychotic medication in the evenings, while it was prescribed to me. This anxiety has receeded quite significantly with time. And even when I had a mixed episode last Christmas (I also have a diagnosis of bipolar 1) he did not question that I was taking my prescription at the time. So hopefully your husband will feel similarly with the passing of time.
I wish you all the best, take very good care of yourself
Thanks that’s really helpful to hear. It’s definitely true about time helping. I’ve now been out of the MBU long enough that it doesn’t hang over me the way it once does.
Sorry to hear you were unwell over Christmas. Hope things are better for you now x
Hi Alpav, I am glad that the memories of the MBU don't hang over you as much as they once did. Yes, I am doing better now, thank you, navigating ups and downs but I they are not affecting my day to day so much.Take care, hope you have something nice planned for this long weekend, or at least some rest.
I can understand how frustrating that all is. I had PP in September 2020 after the birth of my son. Before that I had two other psychotic breaks. So often any negitive emotion I display results in my mental state being questioned. Why am I not allowed to be sad or angry just because I’m bipolar? Everyone has off days.
My dad came over on Father’s Day and the plan was for us to cook dinner together. My kitchen was a mess and I was stressing out because I didn’t want my dad to see it messy and that’s where we’d be spending most of our time. Long story short I just recently started speaking to my dad again, so there is negative history there. And when I had two of my psychotic episodes I got really bad ocd and was obsessed with cleaning.
Anyways my husband started telling me that because I wanted to clean my kitchen before my dad came over, I was going down the rabbit hole and he was concerned blah blah. I was really annoyed. If my dad was just visiting I wouldn’t have cared so much but he was specifically coming over to cook. Like how was I mentally unstable for wanting a clean area to cook in?
It can be so frustrating. However you know you’re well and you know you’re doing what you need to do to stay that way. Unfortunately there is a negative stigma and it’s very hard to combat that.
The majority of my life I’ve been a-okay but the three times I haven’t will always cause people to look at me differently and think I’m unwell. It’s a hard pill to swallow.
I try to remember deep down my husbands heart is in the right place. It’s hard to know what to say when they themselves haven’t experienced it.
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