I can't stand being on these meds.

I'm sorry, I really need to vent. I'm half alive...all the time. I'm only on 150 mg Seroquel...but it's stolen from me my great joys. I have always been a feeler and medication makes me feel so...flat. How do people cope with giving up true, real human emotions?! I know it's not forever but I feel as though my spark is completely gone and I'm just functioning, and the doctors don't care. Its like I can't feel true happiness because my mind is sedated and I hate it. I want my real personality back Life medicated doesn't feel genuine. Its all just...ok. Sorry to complain, this is just really disturbing me.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Twhtwhts

It's good that you can vent your feelings here as we all understand. I think as you are only 4.5 months into recovery it's very early days. When we have had PP I don't think we realise how much we have been through and need time to heal. For me, medication was a way to keep me stable in addition to treatment as I slowly recovered. I can remember the sedating effects though and at times felt as if I was doing things in slow motion.

I think you mentioned in another post that you also had depression which is an awful weight to carry as well as coping with the remnants of PP. At the moment I think you need to be gentle with yourself. Your personality has been buried under all the stress of such a traumatic illness but it will surface again. Eventually you will have good days and feel true happiness as before. Recovering from PP isn't easy and some days are better than others but you will find your feet again.

I like the verse from Sandra King : "Be like the single blade of grass. For she too has been trampled on, mowed down, and hit with such bitterly cold stretches that she has had to shut down to survive. Yet still she stands upright with dignity, knowing that she endures, and still she dances with the wind."

Take good care of yourself ...... we are all here to listen.

[Hazello Volunteer]

I can completely relate, I was on olanzapine after my psychotic episode and felt quite hollow and like all my personality had gone. It's hard to separate out how much of that is caused by the medication and how much is the illness? Either way it's frustrating and upsetting feeling like you're not yourself. I know for myself that that feeling did diminish over the first year and gradually I was able you reduce and come off the medication.

I hope that things improve for you. I've found throughout my whole PP journey that one of the hardest things is being patient with myself.

Best wishes

Hazello

[Bravesurvivor2]

Hi there,

I just want to say I relate a lot to your feelings about feeling empty and flat. 4 years ago after my PP episode i was on an antipsychotic for 6 months and had to be taken off because of hormone issues. I was also over medicated during the 6 months on the antipsychotic. I was very slow moving (like a grandma!) and had a hard time staying awake. I also became very depressed during those 6 months. It was the hardest, darkest time in my life. I did not feel like myself at all and I thought i would feel like that forever. Ive learned since then it will always get better. Even if you have a few bad days or a week or two it will always get better. After coming off the med after 6 months I was on a mood stabilizer for a year and 1/2 during that time I had a lot of soul searching that took place. I feel like I really got to know myself.

This past fall I had another psychosis not related to childbirth but to stress. I was able to bounce back so much faster! I had learned so much about taking care of my self and coping skills from PP. I already had all of the support in place, therapist, family knew how to help, etc. Are you seeing a therapist or counselor?

I have good days and bad days. I have to remind myself from time to time that Im still only a few months past the event and it takes time to heal. i think our bodies go through a kind of depression after PP or psychosis to pause and reflect on what happened. However we become very resilient because of our illness. Take your time to heal and know that you will not always feel this way!

Take care. Also a person to check out is Jeff Foster. He talks about how to deal with difficult emotions.

Anne