I had PPP nearly three years ago. I'm still on Olanzapine (0.625mg). I'm slowly coming off. I tried once before coming off at 2.5mg and I couldn't sleep and got scared about becoming ill again so I decided to restart - in hind sight I wish I saw things through.
I've found my motivation really lacks since my episode - I'm unsure whether it has changed me or if it's the medication or whether it's withdrawals from coming off or side affects from having been on the medication.
I used to have a very tidy and clean home, now my home is very much the opposite. It bothers me but I don't have the drive to change it. I used to enjoy going out and dressing up - now I go out but with no real excitement, I just go through the motions. I don't put the same effort into my appearance at all. I've put on 2.5st in weight so that bothers me too. I don't feel as confident as I once did, even during pregnancy I felt very happy and secure about how I looked and post pregnancy I felt the same before becoming ill and going on a medication that causes weight gain.
The only real enjoyment I get is seeing my little Boy happy - I love seeing him smile and laugh.
I suffer a lot from anxiety, OCD, slight depression and intrusive thoughts (the instrusive thoughts bother me the most and can be quite destressing and overwhelming).
I don't know what to do to get my motivation and enjoyment for life back and pride for myself and my home back.
Thank for listening and reading.
N x
Written by
NMG1991
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I’m so sorry you have lost your mojo since PP almost three years ago. I think being on medication is very draining and I can remember how slow it made me feel. Please don’t worry about a tidy home … having a toddler at home and toys around is just the way it is. Try to focus on the joy your son brings you by seeing him happy, which is all down to you with your tender loving care. So be very proud of yourself.
I think recovering from PP is a big hurdle to overcome. As PP mums we expect to move on from our episode and pick up where we left off. We don’t realise how much we have been through and it’s not easy.
I’m sorry you suffer a lot with anxiety, OCD, slight depression and intrusive thoughts. I suffered anxiety and severe depression after my episode. As you say, intrusive thoughts can be very overwhelming and perhaps your doctor could refer you for therapy to talk openly about your day to day struggles. In the meantime there is an OCD therapist, Katie D’Ath on YouTube who has been mentioned on the forum, with ideas which you might find helpful as other mums have here. I’m not very good with links but I typed her name and she is there, so I hope you can find her.
Music picks me up if I’m feeling flat and years ago I heard a record playing in a shoe shop which was “I’m going all the way” by Sounds of Blackness which is also on You Tube. Lyrics such as “I may be down sometimes but I won’t be down always ….”
Anyway, enough of my rambling. Thanks for writing and take very good care of yourself. PP mums really are amazing 🌻
Part of me definitely resonates with what you said.
I had pp after the birth of my daughter back in 2016, I went on to have a son in 2020 with no reoccurrence of pp.
After pp, initially I recovered quickly but the long lasting depression and anxiety stayed for a long time. The motivation to get housework done and keep on top of everything was hard!
But housework after having children is hard and you must be kind to yourself.
I ended up finding ‘the organised mum method’ online and that helped get my house back to being more acceptable! (My house is not perfect- we work and we have two children)
One suggestion the woman who came up with this method is to put a favourite song on and get as much done in that song as you can.
I started with little bits and it all added up.
Do you have a partner who can help share the load of housework?
I’m glad you find joy in your little boy, I always found olanzapine dulled all feelings.
Hopefully you can try again coming off olanzapine, have you spoke to your medical team about it?
We spoke a little in another post but I wanted to chime in here again.
Has your psychiatrist mentioned going on an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer to help with anxiety/depression? I’m not sure if you do/don’t want to add more medication to your life, but I found that being on antidepressant (Zoloft 75mg) and Lamotrigine (100mg, a mood stabilizer) has sped up my recovery. (They want me to stay on those for a few years) I wonder if that would help with intrusive thoughts and also when you’re depressed (even mild depression) you can’t find motivation to do much.
Of course I am not a doctor so please take my example as just that / something that worked for one person. Please speak with your psychiatrist team to explore options.
As far as the house being dirty - I gave up trying to keep it too clean. There are toys everywhere and that’s how it’s going to stay for a few years.
I also gained a lot of weight on Olanzapine and now trying to lose it but it’s hard. I am not as confident anymore as I used to be very slim and liked my body. Now I am a size 14 and had to get new clothes. But I did buy new clothes that fit me better (because I don’t fit into anything I previously owned) and that makes me feel better until I lose the weight.
Take care of yourself and don’t be too hard on yourself.
Please do not blame yourself. It's the effects of the meds. Some of the medications take away your motivation, creativity, and even your personality. They stop those awful bad thoughts, but they stop good thoughts too. Or at least they did for me. I started writing my memoir about having PP years ago, but then I had a medication change, and that's what happened. I lost all creativity and couldn't write anymore. I couldn't play the piano, I couldn't draw. I didn't smile. I enjoyed nothing except sleeping and eating.
One of the things I was able to do is to find someone to help me with the cleaning and tidying up every couple of weeks, and that took some of the stress and self blame off myself. Even if you can afford to pay someone for just a couple hours to clean the bathrooms and the kitchen, that can be so helpful. While they clean, you pick up and organize. You'll feel a lot better and its very worthwhile and worth a few dollars if you can spare them.
I'm finding more and more that getting some exercise is very helpful with the mood. Sometimes taking a walk can help you feel like doing other things too. Give it a try.
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