Hello - I am currently 4.5 months postpartum. I've had a tough journey so far. It started with severe crippling depression along with anxiety that didn't feel like my normal anxiety, there was something deeper and ominous about it. Just this unnerving feeling like something was very wrong. I tried SSRI's and ended up in a drug induced delusion that I was dying and that it was killing me. I spent weeks pacing my house screaming, crying, banging on the walls wondering what had happened to me, every day felt like a continuing nightmare that I would never recover from. I deteriorated so bad I thought I was going to die no matter what as the pain was unbearable. I was afraid I was going to die from my own fear. It was unbelievable.
I checked myself into the psych ward for 9 days and its like a switch went off in my brain and I began to recover. I went from starving to death to eating 3 meals a day again and sleeping fine. I am only on Seroquel XR and Seroquel regular instant release before bed (150 mg) nothing more.
I feel as though I am functioning and now taking care of myself which I am forever grateful for, however I am still struggling with not feeling like "me". I feel like I cannot experience my great joys or excitements anymore, and that I am simply going through the motions. I am still extremely easily overwhelmed at small tasks and I always feel like Im in the clouds and this prolongs my depression. Its like a bad nightmare that ended but Im still half asleep.
How long did you all stay on your antipsychotics for and when you came off did you relapse hard? I know I am not myself because of the trauma and because of these drugs. I know I have to be patient and recovery is a process but I feel like I am mourning my old self and that nothing will be as it was ever again and this terrifies me.