I'm New Here.

[Cigflowers]

Hi, I'm new, My Postpartum psychosis was pretty severe. I had hallucinations of my baby not breathing, severe anxiety attacks, and days and days of just laying in bed doing absolutely nothing. Finally, my Fiance who is the father of my child had enough. And so when I went to my Son's one-month appointment, he told me to be honest on the postpartum screening. I was, My son's pediatrician rushed me to go to the OB, and they sent me to the ER. Where they told me they were scared for my son's and fiance's safety. I started hyperventilating because I was worried about my son. I had never been away from him for more than 30 minutes for a warm bath. They admitted me and sent me up to psych, where I was told to sit in a room, with nothing all by myself. Funny how they tell you that you have to sit in a room alone, yet they say you shouldn't be alone. I was there for 9 long hours before seeing a doctor. I was a mess, but I was absolutely determined to get home. I smiled and laughed my way through, and I knew the doctor from previous psychological evaluations, and I told him that I would not actually hurt myself or my baby, even though I had thoughts about it. I told him I would use my coping skills, and I was able to go home with a diagnosis of postpartum depression and a couple of medications that have worked in the past for me. Shortly after starting the medication, I started forcing myself to take care of my son, the way I was supposed to. And I would hold him for hours crying and telling him I'm sorry that me, his mother, wasn't there for him during his first few weeks of life. Long story short, I'm doing a lot better now, I still occasionally have hallucinations, and panic attacks, along with severe depressive episodes. I stopped taking the medications, but I'm scared to talk to a psychiatrist for fear that they will put me in a mental health facility. Has anyone else experienced fear to go to a facility? Have you also avoided going to a doctor due to that?

[Frankieb Volunteer]

Thank you for having the courage to post, you are amongst friends here. Lots of us have felt similar feelings to you, it is very scary. I remember not disclosing the whole truth at times for fear I would loose my child.

I hope you have support out in the real world too, are things OK with your partner now?

Please, do not beat yourself up about those first few weeks, the feeling will start to get better I promise you.

My two babies are 16 and 13 now, I had PP with both of them and I know how hard it is to think it will not have any effect on them, I can assure you based on my kids it doesn't.

From your post it looks like perhaps you have had other episodes in the past? Have you any formal diagnosis?

After having PP in 2004 and 2007 I was well for 8 years but then developed bi-polar, I live with it pretty well and its managed with lithium which seems to work for me.

How old is your little one now?

Please let us know if you have any questions, I'm sure someone can help you

I hope you are ok

Barbara xx

[Cigflowers in reply to Frankieb]

Me and my partner are working on our relationship, I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, but I think I may have Bipolar. There are a few key differences, and because my father had BPD, they assumed I did as well. My mother is always talking about how "My diagnosis" this and "My diagnosis" that. She has gone out of her way to make me feel like I am crazy.

I have had a couple of psychosis episodes in the past, after an extremely traumatic 4 days, I spent 4 weeks in psychosis. I dont remember any of it really, but from what people tell me, I was extremely depressed and I overdosed multiple times, and I also spent some time in a psychiatric ward during that time, before being put into intensive in home therapy where a therapist would visit every day. It was an extremely slow recovery and I was taken out of therapy prematurely.

I have a few disgnosis, I have severe depression that causes recurring depressive episodes, genral anxiety disorder and I regularly have panic attacks, I have insomnia, I get seizures due to high amounts of stress, I have had dissociative amnesia that has caused me to forget a large portion of my life before I was 11 years old.

I was however admitted to the hospital when I was 14 years old, I was admitted to a residential facilty for two years and using a lot of those coping skills is how I have been able to move through this without going to my extremely negative coping habits. I used to cut, but stopped around 7 months ago.

My son is three months old, and the light of my life. He gets me out of bed, especially since my fiance works 8 hours a day. Honestly, my biggest support is my fiance, he pushes me to be better, and sometimes it may seem harsh, but he just wants me to get the help that I need.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Cigflowers

Welcome to the forum. It's so good you have found us.

It sounds like you have been through such a difficult and traumatic time. I had postpartum psychosis in 2011 after the birth of my son. It was such a hugely traumatic time, even though I was very lucky and did receive very good professional support (I was in a mother and baby unit with my son, which we have here in the UK).

I'm so sorry that you have had such trauma from your experiences in hospital, being left in a room for 9 hours before seeing a doctor, and being told you were a danger to your son and fiance, it sounds so awful. I'm so sorry you experienced that. I'm not surprised that you are scared to go to a hospital again if you needed to.

You have done such a brilliant job of forcing yourself to take care of your son, even though you were so poorly. You are being such an amazing mum, by trying to do your best, even though you have been so ill.

It must feel very hard to trust the psychiatrist, after everything you have been through and your fear of going to a facility again. But I found it was so important to be honest to my psychiatrist and mental health team, so they could find the right support and medication for me. It does sound like you are still struggling in a lot of ways? It does take time to recover, and it's different for each person, but you really will get better. It can take time to find the right medication and treatment as well.

I was on anti psychotic medication for about 12 months, and an anti depressant for about 18 months - recovery can be really up and down, and if you aren't getting the right treatment and medication it can take longer. What is your psychiatrist like? Do you feel that they have empathy for you, and can listen to how you feel, and can also hear how traumatised you feel from your previous experience in a facility? Are they specialised in treating women who have been mentally unwell after having a baby?

I try to remember that none of any of this is our fault, we were just unwell after having our children and we just need kindness and empathy and the right support.

From what you wrote (you mentioned ER), I wondered if you are in the USA? If so I wondered if you have found the organisation Postpartum Support International which might be able to find you support locally, and signpost you to good professional services (e.g. a good psychiatrist who specialises in perinatal mental health). This is information about support in the USA: postpartum.net/get-help/loc...

And they also have a specific coordinator for postpartum psychosis: postpartum.net/get-help/pos...

Also, you may find it helpful to read our recovery guide which was written by clinicians who specialise in supporting mums who are mentally unwell after having a baby, and women who have had postpartum psychosis. It's free to download from our website: app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

I'm so glad you have found us. I really hope that you can find all the support you need. You will come through this and fully recover, as you say you are already feeling a lot better than you were.

Take care,

Ellie

[Cigflowers in reply to Ellie_at_APP]

Thank you, Ellie, yes, I am in the US. When the nurse told me I was a danger to my child and fiance it hurt and made me feel like I wasn't a good mother. My fiance was so worried but said he didn't expect them to admit me to a hospital. He wanted me to be able to talk to a psychiatrist and get medication as needed, but he did not expect me to have to be admitted. My son is so very special to me, and I would have loved to be able to go to a mother and baby unit.

Being away from my son causes me so much anxiety and I am even nervous to go on a date tonight with my fiance. (I'm having a family member watch my son). I have learned a lot and I've been staying as strong as I can for my baby boy. He is absolutely everything to me. I have had some pretty severe diagnosis in the past, and I was expecting to have PPD, but it was completely different from what I expected.

I felt like I was going crazy every second of the day, and I was either sleeping all day for hours upon hours, or I would stay awake for days on end.

[Maria_at_APP Moderator in reply to Cigflowers]

Hi Cigflowers,

Congratulations on the birth of your baby boy. I am sorry you went through pp after having your baby, it is a terribly debilitating frightening experience. Is not an illness we hear about as often as we should and I am sorry that with your existing diagnosis it doesn't sound like you received the care, attention and information during your pregnancy and immediately after the birth of your baby to flag the early signs.

On a positive note your previous experience has come in handy in the sense you are quite self aware of your mental state, and your fiancee has also recognised the signs and asked for help. Well done you two. Like Ellie mentions, being honest with your psychiatrist and mental health team I found in my experience was on my best interest. It is so important to be able to trust the team that is treating you as it allows for diagnosis and medication to be done appropriately. I also live in the UK and was very fortunate to be under perinatal psychiatrists when I went to a general psychiatric ward and later to a mother and baby unit. Would it be possible for you to be referred to a psychiatrist with perinatal experience?

I am very sorry that your experience when looking for professional help recently has been so poor. When I was on the heights of psychosis I was so terrified that I can't imagine how I would have coped with an isolated wait of 9 hours for an assessment. And comments like the one you mentioned above about being told you are a danger to the people dearest to you are not particularly helpful. But I always tried to remember the helpful rather than the hopeless, sometimes people are not as empathic as it would be beneficial for them to be, but I sincerely hope you encounter a mental health professional with the level of sympathy that will make a difference in your recovery.

As many mums have already said what you experienced after the birth of your son is not yours or anyone's fault, this is very important to remember as the guilt you mention above can make you feel truly miserable. With time everything can be recovered, you have his whole life ahead of you, think of how many special and amazing moments you two have yet to experience.

Please do seek out for help when you need it, don't let things become overwhelming. The medication for me was so fundamental in my treatment and recovery and I was also refusing to take it at the beginning, but it was a life saver for me.

Take good care thinking of you

[GeorgeKol]

Hello Cigflowers!

Thanks for sharing and you are welcome here!

I am a husband and my wife had a Postpartum psychosis.

I will tell you my thoughts about your situation.

If you have hallucinations this must be an alert for you! PP is a very serious medical condition and you MUST get help ASAP.

You are a new mother and your fiance a new dad. Your baby needs you and your fiace to be happy and healthy and on top of your game to cope.

You must face it and go get help from doctors. You MUST be sincere and tell them everything about your condition so that they can help you accordingly and more efficiently.

I can now tell you from my experience that PP is a medical emergency but with proper care and medication you can be healed! It's something that you can beat!

Think of it like this. If you had a broken leg you would go to the orthopediatrist to get your leg fixed. So when your soul hurts, you must go to the psychoiatrist to fix your aching soul.

Don't be afraid of it! Do it! Go get help!

And i promise you this is your first and biggest step to get better!

I wish the best for you!

George

[Mamma6]

Hello Cigflowers x

I too have had very a very similar experience you yours when my third child was born. I remember feeling very frightened all the time but I didn’t know what I was frightened of. I too was not honest about my feelings because I was too afraid and absolutely didn’t trust anyone. My PPP went on for 6 months before I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act. It went on for so long because I was too afraid to reach out to the people who were trying to help me. I really understand where you’re coming from. From my own experience, please do be honest with your GP, psychiatrist etc. It will take time to get the correct medication sorted for you, but to begin your road to recovery it’s important that you’re honest. Please don’t suffer anymore - reach out. My partner was similar to yours. He did his best when it must have been so overwhelming for him. I did stay in a psychiatric unit for 6 weeks, mainly because I just would not tell anyone how I was feeling. I gradually began to trust the doctors and it was only through trusting them that the right medication was found and I began to recover. Recovery does take time but trusting the professionals is a first step. You need compassion, warmth, kindness and patience. Do get the help you need. It really is the first step. I wish you and your little boy all the luck in the world.

God Bless

Xx