32 weeks pregnant and really struggling

[BrokenChloe]

Hey, I have bipolar type 1 and bpd (both schizoaffective), so I joined to get support for after the birth in case PP strikes. im currently on 150mg seroquel and 1mg clonazepam.

I've been trying really hard the last 4 weeks to attach to my baby, usually by faking or by doing stuff for her/him. but im about given up on that plan cuz the only word i feel i can use towards the baby is hate. i hate getting kicked every 5 secs (it really hurts), i hate being this responsible for the baby (i actually have to eat and get out of bed for her), i hate feeling like absolute crap cuz all the psychiatrist will give me is seroquel and im used to being on seroquel, an antidepressant and a mood stabiliser in the hopes of keeping my mood manageable, and i hate the idea that it won't just be me and my husband anymore. i also hate knowing im not meant to hate the baby and that im meant to be enjoying the pregnancy and the kicks and the basketball tummy because of everyone who cant carry to term, but i really don't think i can feel any other way.

im also freaking out because my sense of self has completely gone out the window. if im around people who used to be my friends (like non-pregnant, skinny people) i will somehow start believing my stomach is a quarter the size it is and that its just fat. that makes no sense at all.

is there anyone who can relate?

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello BrokenChloe

Thanks for your new post. I don't have any experience of bipolar but I'm sorry you're struggling. Are you still having night terrors too which you mentioned in an earlier thread? Though it was a long time ago for me, I do remember feeling like a blob towards the end of my pregnancies ......

There are some helpful links on the site which I don't know if you have come across. app-network.org/what-is-pp/.... Also Prof Jones is available to offer advice with APP's Second Opinion Service if your GP can refer you app-network.org/what-is-pp/....

There are also mums who have bipolar and I'm sure will be here for you. Perhaps the Bipolar UK e-community forum might be a good place for you to check out too. Sorry for all the links, please excuse my ignorance of bipolar.

Take very good care of yourself .......

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hello BrokenChloe and thanks for sharing your feelings so honestly with us here. I don't have a bipolar diagnosis but know that other ladies on the site will be able to share their experiences with you.

I also wrote on your previous thread and said how positive it was that you were making plans in case pp struck. I'm so sorry to hear that the pregnancy is bringing on some difficult feelings. You mention the medication that you are taking and the advice of a psychiatrist but I wondered if this was your"general" psychiatrist or a specialist perinatal one? From my experience of pp, not all psychiatrists have knowledge of perinatal issues and how they can affect some women at what is a really vulnerable time.

The link which Lilybeth has shared about Prof Ian Jones and the APP second opinion service may be worth considering for some more specialist input. I also wondered if you are able to ask for more input and if you feel you cab share how you are feeling, fully and honestly, with a mental health professional. Pregnancy can be a time of uncertainty and worry and with the difficult feelings you describe it seems that you may benefit from more support.

You are being so brave reaching out here and I hope you can get more support and input from trusted professionals. Please don't feel bad about what you describe, it is not your fault and you can get through this. Have you also spoken to your husband and is he supportive of you?

Please keep talking to us here if it is helping you. I hope you have been able to get some rest, take care, xx

[Bindy7]

I agree you should talk to a specialist. Why can't you take a mood stabilizer as anti depressant while pregnant? There are plenty of anti depressants that are safe for pregnant women and many people stay on them, while pregnant. I would be concerned that you might have an episode post partum if you are feeling this way. Also, depression can make it hard to connect to your baby. I had this experience and I had horrible feelings towards my baby, I wished her away many many times, and it was because I was too depressed to feel anything.

[BrokenChloe in reply to Bindy7]

specialist attempting to control mood upswings (and thus attempting to prevent PP). bipolar manic episodes=increased chance of PP, antidepressants=mania. the mood stabiliser i was on (sodium valproate) wasnt safe during pregnancy at all. my therapist is getting me booked back in to see the psychiatrist this week hopefully he can do something

[Bindy7 in reply to BrokenChloe]

Hopefully they can find something, even if it's not your usual medication, specialists are good at that:

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello BrokenChloe

I hope your appointment with the psychiatrist this week will give you some comfort and he / she will be take time to listen and help you. Perhaps you could write a note of questions you have? I remember forgetting to ask all that I had planned due to being overwhelmed.

Take good care of yourself ...... thinking of you.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello BrokenChloe

Just wondering how your appointment with the psychiatrist went this week? I hope you felt reassured and listened to.

Take it easy in this hot weather .......

[BrokenChloe in reply to Lilybeth]

it seems that the pregnancy hormones will override any meds added/increased at this point, plus p. doc wants to keep seroquel low enough that it can be increased a lot in the case of PP. i am feeling a little better now, not sure why but am able to think a lot more rationally again and spend less of the day in tears

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi Broken Chloe, thanks for coming back and sharing your update, it sounds as if you are feeling a little better. Pregnancy can be an uncertain time anyway and with the added issue of PP risk, it's not surprising you were finding it hard. I'm glad you are feeling able to think more rationally and have less time in the day upset. I hope that this continues for you, and that you feel reassured that the doctors are listening and supporting you. We are all here for you and thinking of you, wishing you all the very best. And if you feel like popping back to chat, you know where we are. Take care, xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Broken Chloe

I'm glad you were feeling a little better when you last posted. Not long to go now ...... thinking of you.

Take care.