My daughter is 9 weeks old, I had a traumatic birth and ended up having her by emergency c-section although I hardly remember any of this! 2 days after giving birth we was aloud home & that's when things started to get weird I couldn't sleep in the hospital and then did not sleep for another 2 nights after getting home! On the first day home I was quite irratic crying, & simple things like changing a nappy & making a bottle became hard, I couldn't even understand the instructions on the back of the formula pack! I then went in to what was suspected as phycosis the.. TVs was talking to me & I thought that my baby had died or that she wasn't real & id gone mental & my family knew she didn't exsist but just went along with it! I got taken to hospital and was assessed & they thought this was caused my sleep deprivation so was sent home with some strong sleeping tablets, I did wake up the next day & things wernt as weird and I wasn't hallucinating but still was not right! Since this episode I have been assigned a perinatal nurse who I see once a week and I'm taking sertraline! They say it wasn't phycosis I experienced but just sleep deprivation and that now I'm just suffering with depression & anxiety! The problem is now I feel I have no bond with my daughter 😢 I feel no attachment to her like she's not mine & I feel like my pregnancy & birth was just a dream! If people talk to me about being a mum I have to walk away as I don't feel like I am, I'm doing everything for her but just feel like I'm in a total dream world! And I can't talk about the future as I feel I won't see her grow up as I won't be here! I'm at my wits end and trying to hide this from all my family! They have talked about a mother & baby unit! But I feel like our mother & daughter bond is lost for ever! How could I have carried her for 9 months & now feel like she's not here!
I've never had any other mental health issues and this pregnancy was very much planned! I just don't understand why this has happened I feel I've gone crazy!
Can anyone else relate to bonding issues? And had this got better?
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Nigella777
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Congratulations on the birth of your daughter and thank you for sharing your experience. I'm so sorry you had a difficult time, which must have been very distressing, as it's very hard for family and friends to understand. I think some of the mums here had delusions that the TV was talking to them ..... I always thought I knew the news before it appeared on the screen! So I can understand how frightening that must have been for you.
Do you think you have now been given the correct diagnosis? APP also has a Second Opinion Service to assist mums and clinicians regarding diagnosis and management in the UK. You can ask your GP or Consultant to refer you, the link being app-netwotk.org/what-is-pp/.... Although this forum is mainly for mums who have suffered postpartum psychosis, some have also suffered depression and or anxiety.
It's very early days to worry about bonding with your daughter after you had such a traumatic time when she was born. This will only increase your anxiety. You just need to give yourself time to heal and talk about how you feel to your family. Perhaps if there was an opportunity to go into a mother and baby unit this would be a good option for you to receive specialist care?
I had PP many years ago and was under general psychiatric care for the first six months of my son's life. Similarly, with my second son I had what seemed like an endless depression during my recovery. It took time for me to build a bond with them as I slowly regained my confidence but after all these years it is as strong as ever and I'm very privileged.
There are APP Guides which you might find helpful to read, "Recovery after Postpartum Psychosis" and "Postpartum Psychosis : A Guide for Partners", the link being app-network.org/what-is-pp/....
Take good care of yourself ..... there will be other mums here to share their experiences with you.
I had my son in November 2013. I like you had a traumatic birth which was long and I ended up in theatre with a retained planceta.
I was in hospital for 6 days and then home for 2 days - my PP started on the 5th day. I was sent to a mother and baby unit and I would really advise to try and get yourself and your baby into one.
They do lots of activities around bonding with your baby like baby massage, painting and just basic playing with your baby.
Please do talk to your family, I know it's hard to do that but they need to know what is happening.
I would try and get a second opinion like lilybeth has said, your symptoms sound very similar to pp
Firstly well done for finding this forum and for taking the courage to write a post, I myself know that's a big step in itself! It's a lovely community here as I'm sure you will now find out, lots of mums here eager to help you with their own lived experience!
I'm sorry to read that you are struggling with the bond with your baby, when I had Postpartum Psychosis I was in such a state that I beleived that I hadn't even given birth yet! When diagnosed I was sectioned and I spent time on a general acute psych ward without my baby and it was so difficult to try and bond with her when I only saw her for two hours a day with my partner in the family room, I felt little to no connection with her and was mostly desperate to spend time with my partner as I knew he could help me to find myself as I was so ill and had lost my sense of self.
After two weeks I was admitted to an MBU with my daughter, this was such a scary change as I knew it was now time for me to try and be a mum! The MBU was brilliant, they gently eased me into my role as a mum and provided us with nurturing support and care, allowing me to feel safe while my bond with my baby grew, we participated in some gentle video parent-child psychology sessions which enabled me to see how much my baby focussed on me, so hard to see in those early days but this really helped us to bond!
I believe that a bond with a child is not just 'there' at the beginning, lots of mums have admitted to me that they thought they maybe didn't love their child until they were many months in, the first bit is the hardest- you are a functional feeding/cleaning/caring machine for them, but when they start noticing you and giving something back it's so much easier to bond!
I do not at all believe you have lost your bond forever, you have been through a very traumatic time and have had to focus on your self for a while, you need time to heal, your feelings for your baby will come, if you need to spend time in an MBU don't be afraid, they will help you with your feeling un-attached!
I am no medical expert at all but your symptoms do match mine and I was given this diagnosis, possibly yours has been caught before it fully developed? Anyway APP can help you get a second opinion as others have suggested.
I really hope you are doing ok, we'll all be here hoping your situation gets better.
Hi nigella, thank you for sharing your experiences. I can really really relate to everything you have just explained. I felt detached from my baby even before he was born and that just got worse. I felt completely detached from reality and a complete disconnection from everyone around me, especially my children. I had absolutely no connection to my baby, he may as well have been someone else's baby. I did feel like I was in another world. It was weird and very disconcerting. I just want to encourage you that it will get better. My son is 4 now and very soon will be going to school. I love him more than anything. He is my world. It took a long time for me to 'feel' again. I had no emotions apart from negative feelings for a very long time. For me it has been a slow road to recovery and I now have happy emotions. I found my faith has helped me enormously and I also found telling my son that I loved him every day really helped. To begin with I felt no love for my son but as I continued to tell him I loved him, I began to feel that love for him. Don't despair you will get better, it just takes time. Be kind to yourself and don't expect things to get better overnight. The most important thing is not to hide it but find someone you can trust who you can open up to and talk to about it. Sometimes this can be a hard thing to do and takes a lot of courage. Some people find talking to a counsellor or someone trained in cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) really helpful. Talking about what you are experiencing is the first step to getting better. You don't feel so alone when you have got someone to share how you are feeling with. Hope this helps 😊 X
I also had a very similar experience when having my first baby last May. I too had no previous mental health issues and had an emergency c section. I wasn't sleeping & had various delusions, one being that Simon Cowell & Ant and Dec were coming to visit me along with the Britains got Talent show! At the time it was very very real! I became very agitated, emotional, hallucinated, had no sense of reality & believed my husband was ill.
I can highly reccomend going to a mother & baby unit if that's available. I was sectioned on Day 13 (I believe I was unwell from day 2/3) and admitted to Stafford mother & baby unit. I refused to believe I had postpartum psychosis or was unwell so refused to take medication for 2 weeks, which lead to me getting worse & having restrained injections. A MBU will really help you to bond as well as letting you recover and you get the reassurance that you are a great mum. I do agree with the other ladies that a second opinion may help with a firm diagnosis.
Most importantly things will get better and I found talking and taking each day as it comes really does help. You are an amazing mum to your little girl and if you can try and talk to your family this really should help.
I'm now 13 months on and do remember nearly everything and would say things are 99% back to "normal". What me and my little girl have been through together has made us stronger. Take care x
Bonding issues are common with these experiences. Do not expect too much out of yourself. You are not a failure. I actually had to stay away from my child because I had intrusive homocidal thoughts which really added to my bonding issues. It was a horrible inner conflict that few will ever understand. You are lucky to have the mum baby unit available and you should take advantage of it. I am in America and my experience was some time ago so I did not have this resource. Do not be ashamed - use it, and any meds recommended by your doctor.
Thanks for your reply ladies! When I was taken to hospital I thought I was in a mental hospital & was asking my dad & boyfriend to leave me there as I knew I'd gone crazy & had made my pregnancy up! I'm still unsure if it was PP but even after the night at the hospital I was still seeing weird things like my dog looked like a fox & smells were weird but I just kept all this to myself! I've been seeing the perinatal nurse now for 6 weeks & she keeps assuring me this will get better & is just anxiety! I wake up every morning & think it would be easier not to be here as everyday I wake up petrified of how weird I still feel & the fact that I feel like my babies not mine! It's like this beautiful little bubba petrifies me I'm scared when it's just me & her as it's like a little stranger & I think how can I wake up everyday & feel like this.. I just want to love her more than anything!
I had a look around the mother & baby unit last Friday I'm actually very lucky as it is at the Royal bethlam which is only 5 mins from my house!
In a way I want to go as if it means getting better & helping me with my bond & sucidal thoughts it's worth it, but then if I go there it's the aftermath of people knowing & the guilt of putting my daughter in that environment & is this something I can fix on my own by having counciling & taking medication.
This whole situation seems so surreal for me! I've got loads of friends loving family, loving boyfriend, a beautiful healthy daughter & just bought a house & this has happened & I just think why me 😠(I know this isn't helpful)
Please don't feel any guilt for going into a mother & baby unit. Myself & baby did so much more than we would have done at home- baby massage, yoga, singing classes & lots more. Plus you are with nurses and healthcare assistants that understand what you are going through & can support you and your family. They see improvements as well as any relapses and can ensure medication is correct. As the MBU is so close to home your family & friends can visit you too regularly if they are close. Though it will be good to have "mummy & baby time"
I was the same "why me", I had the same as you "everything I wanted" but unfortunately mental illness doesn't choose who it picks. You will get better and back to being you. X take care x
Good to hear from you. It's very hard to understand why PP should happen to any of us but it is a very treatable illness and with the specialist care at the MBU you will soon recover. It will be such a relief to have treatment for your thoughts and is the best place for you and your baby. It's a place where you will feel safe and can focus on getting to know your daughter and recover.
Having PP is nothing to be ashamed of although I can understand how you feel. It's not your fault and you have no control over how it envelopes your thoughts and feelings. I think it's like being a different person ..... my behavior was so out of character when I was told during my recovery about some of the things I said and did. I think I mentioned before that I was sectioned to mixed general psychiatric care.
You have a loving family and friends to support you and so many things to look forward to when you are fully recovered. Try to take it easy .... you will find your place again and the MBU have very caring staff to guide you.
We are all with you so please keep in touch if it helps. Sending you a hug Take care.
I was an inpatient at the Bethlem MBU back in 2012/13 and it was the best place for me and my baby to be. Like you I had extreme sleep deprivation (long labour then a very long and sleepless week on postnatal Ward). We were admitted to MbU when my son was just a week old, and we stayed for around 12 weeks.
At first I was "floridly psychotic" for around 3 weeks. And then I was acutely depressed. During the worst of it I had no bond with my son, other than worrying obsessively over him. He was a part of my illness - not a human being in his own right. What helped me turn the corner was the amazing child psychologist attached to the MBU, who did a ground breaking session with us, and allowed me to say that my baby was completely normal and unharmed - and a little person. My son! It was the turning point in my recovery and from then on I started doing more and more of his care, and actually started to enjoy motherhood. Despite the inauspicious start we had!
So I just wanted to add a note of encouragement for the MbU. I hope this helps.
I was wondering whether you accepted the offer of a placement in your local MBU to receive specialist care? Wherever you are I hope you are recovering in your own time.
Take care .... we are here if you would like to talk but never worry about replying.
Hi ladies, I thought I'd give you an update and also have a couple of questions!
So hooray I am feeling much better all the "weirdness" has gone, I don't sit staring in to space, I've got my sense of humour back & id go on to say I'm perhaps 90% back to myself!
My darling daughter is now 4.5months old and I can honestly say I love her dearly & we have a great little relationship so just to give some other's hope things can get better!
I never ended up taking the place at the mother & baby unit I ended up having my sertraline upped and went On to a low dose of qutiapean (which I have now come off) I also had a family holiday which aloud me to relax and enjoy daily things with my daughter like swimming & going to beach and I think being away from my home environment for 2 weeks allowed me to enjoy my daughter as I didn't have triggers at home of reminding me how ill I was!
I'm still seeing my perinatal nurse who is really pleased at how well I'm doing, but she has now said that it was likely that it was a phycosis episode but I was lucky that it didn't fully onset! I just wanted to know if this is common as I'm worried that now moving forward that any stress could bring on another episode?
So glad to hear your feeling nearly back to yourself. My little girl is now 15months & i'd say I'm 99% myself now and back to work (the 1% is because I'm still on a low meds dose!) I replied to you when your were thinking of the mother & baby unit. I had an emergency c section and then was sectionned after 2weeks and in a MBU for 6 weeks. Looking back I think I got PP within the first few days. We've always wanted 2 children if we could & im determined not to let PP fear stop us! You sound like you have a supportive perinatal team as I did & they would support you from when you fall pregnant. We've also decided when we do have another baby I'd have a planned c section to elevate stress & have more of a plan in place! Although there will always be worry & reminders you need to do what's best for you and your family. X x take care x
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A GRANNY'S PP EXPERIENCE - supporting your daughter
(posted on behalf of my mother who was by my side throughout)
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