Any insight/advice please?! 😞

[Lollipop93]

Over the last few months I have been diagnosed with post partum depression with post partum rage being they key things especially towards my partner , however 2 nights ago it went up a notch and I was saying all these awful things to him and I couldn’t stop and I was getting so angry I just started to throw and smash things ( my LO was at their grandparents!) it just took over me- I didn’t mean any of the things I said, it was like something had taken over it was SO out of character for me to be like that! I love my partner and he is a brilliant father I just can’t explain what happened and why? Just wondered if this is becoming more severe and what to do? I feel SO withdrawn now after that and crying all the time. For background I was diagnosed with PTSD as a teenager, had a scary first week after her birth with her being in ICU and me losing a lot of blood my partner not being able to see us but bond with baby is amazing the anger is all towards my partner.

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hello Lollipop93,

I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with postpartum depression and postpartum rage, that sounds really scary and must be very draining. I know it can be really hard to seek help, especially if you’re feeling really low and withdrawn now, so well done for reaching out.

I had postpartum psychosis in 2012 and depression wasn’t something I went on to suffer (fortunately), but with all postpartum mood disorders and illnesses please know these symptoms are part of the illness and not your fault.

If things are getting worse I’d definitely talk to your GP or mental health team if you’re currently under their care? I’m sure there must be things they could suggest to help you try to manage your symptoms, or maybe some kind of talking therapy would be of benefit. I think symptoms can manifest in different ways and it’s really scary when it’s out of character and out of our control. Seeking help and support is really important, you’re definitely not alone.

Hopefully others will share their thoughts if they’ve experienced similar and other sources of support include PANDAS: pandasfoundation.org.uk/how...

Thank you again for reaching out, I hope your care team can suggest some further support as well - I’m sure with the right support things will start to improve.

Best wishes,

Jenny x

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi Lollipop93,

Welcomed to the forum. I am sorry to hear you are having to deal with postpartum depression and postpartum rage at the moment.

I had pp in 2018 and I experienced depression after it, which lasted for some months. It is quiet distressing when we see ourselves out of character, I am sorry that things escalated to that point a couple of nights ago. But please don't be hard on yourself for it, as you well remembered it was very difficult to have control at the time, so you can't blame yourself for it, and I am confident your husband sees it the same way.

I would suggest the same as Jenny that if you are feeling more tearful and withdrawn these past couple of days it will be good to check with your GP or perinatal mental health team. Perhaps a change on medication or an alternative therapy like CBT or even mindfulness practice could be beneficial (prior to experiencing postpartum psychosis and depression I was somewhat dismissive of mindfulness and thought this would clearly not work, but it surprised me and I learned quite useful grounding techniques that I still practice when I feel my anxiety peak).

Depression is very hard to manage, I feel for you, it was so debilitating, I was incapable of the simplest of tasks at the time and I couldn't imagine how people around me managed to get through a day, dealing with work, family, etc.

Take it slowly, day by day, something that helped me during it was to start writing a journal, I put the most basic things in it, I had a shower today, I got milk from the shop down the road, or I went for a walk with baby, and I also wrote roughly how I had felt on the day. With time I started to see how the good days started to overtake the bad ones, and that gave me hope that all that I was feeling was transitory and things will get better.

Take good care, write here whenever you feel like it, we are always here to listen

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Lolliop93

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. I’m sorry you have been diagnosed with postpartum depression which is an awful place to be, not feeling in control of your actions.

I had postpartum psychosis many years ago and depression followed. I was very low and argumentative with my husband, suspicious of everyone who tried to help me. Looking back and reading my notes it was as if I was a different person ... I didn’t recognise myself!

I think it’s a good idea, as other mums have suggested, to have a chat to your GP or care team, perhaps to review your medication. Or ask to be referred for therapy to hopefully unlock what might be causing your outbursts.

Try not to worry, it’s not your fault. Depression can be very draining but with good medical input and family support you will eventually feel better. Take care and stay safe.

[AlexandraJay Volunteer]

Hello Lollipop93,

I had similar experience post partum, I lashed out at my husband, said the worst things and smashed things. I think it's all unearthed anger that comes to a head and as my Grandma used to say "we always hurt the ones we love".

They may need to alter your medication to keep you more balanced, but that's something you can discuss with your GP or mental health team.

I also found I was super emotional and temperamental around menstruation so my GP put me on desogestrel where I don't have a break and that's helped loads.

Hope this helps in some way.

Also we aren't our actions and I'm sure your man will forgive you. Time heals all wounds. Forgive yourself as well as guilt makes things so much harder.

Lots of love xxxx

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Hello Lollipop93,

what a lovely name "Lollipop", I used to eat far too many of those when I was a child

Yes, I would digest the good advice given above.

Feeling depressed can be so debilitating. After PPP, I was diagnosed with BP and I find those lows rather difficult.

I found my GP extremely helpful, I have had a care-coordinator, but also participated in support groups. We are all very different and it helps to talk to those once, whom you trust.

Take good care and wishing you all the best...please remember with appropriate guidance, care, love and appropriate treatment (whether meds and/or alternative options) you will find your way back towards brighter consciousness and start to enjoy the special moments...with the once who matter most to you. x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Lollipop93

Just wondering how you have been since you posted? I hope you have found the replies here helpful. Perhaps you now have support from your care team, although it’s probably just telephone or virtual contact for now.

Take good care of yourself ...... one day at a time.