No more children

Hi Ladies

Hope you're all well!

I have some questions for those that decided not to have anymore children after their first due to PP.

I had PP with my first 3 years ago and always assumed I'd have 2 children. I got the courage up to try for a second last year but had two more miscarriages so have since gotten cold feet about trying again and realized that maybe I was only ever meant to have one child.

I know it's something that only I can answer, but how did you know you'd made the right decision about not having another child? Do you ever have doubts about it? Did you mourn the second child that you never had?

I feel 90% sure that it's the right decision, I felt instant relief and a weight lifted off my shoulders when my husband one day said that it was okay if I wanted to stop at one. And as horrible as it sounds, I felt some relief with the miscarriages. But part of me keeps swaying with the 'what ifs'.

I'm also turning 39 soon so time is not on my side and my son is currently being assessed for possible autism, so there's so many other risks associated with another pregnancy besides PP, but the PP is possibly what's weighing the heaviest.

I guess it's just hard to accept that things haven't gone as planned (do they ever?!) in my life. Plus, everyone keeps asking when I'm having another.

Thanks for reading x

11 Replies

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  • Hello. I can totally understand what you say. I was 37 when I had my 1st and had pp when she was 3 months old. I missed a month of her life & her 1st xmas. I am 41 this year but am quite happy with just one. She is my world and I think how lucky I am to have her in my life. I do some times think.... Should we have another one? Especially when friends/family who have not been through what we've suffered , talk about happily having 2 or 3 more. But then I remember what I have and how happy I feel. Not sure if this helps you or not. Best wishes x

  • That does help, thanks Anna. I do feel truly happy now and so blessed to have my perfect son.

    I'm surprised at how much society 'expects' us to have more than one, but I guess they'll all move on eventually. As will I :) x

  • Hi Maxi0501,

    Thank you for your post. I can understand what a difficult decision this is for you.

    I had PP a long time ago after my son was born, he's now 22!

    I made the decision not to have any more children after I saw a Professor who explained the risks to me if I decided to have another child. I was diagnosed with Bipolar following PP which made the chances of having PP again a lot higher.

    The chances were practically guaranteed as I had an episode of illness related to childbirth and an episode unrelated to childbirth (Bipolar).

    I decided I could not go through PP again and thought my son would rather I am well and able to enjoy time with him after the difficult start.

    The way I look at it is I'm so lucky to have my son, some people aren't lucky enough to have any children and I wanted to make up for time I lost with my son in the early days.

    He is grown up now and very happy and doing well. I did have lots of questions from people about will I have anymore children but seeing my son grow up to be happy and healthy is what matters to me.

    My son is lucky he's got lots of lovely friends and he doesn't feel that he has missed out by not having a sibling. Everyone is different, it's such an important individual decision and I'm sure you will make the right one for you.

    Hope this helps, best wishes,

    Sarah :)

  • Let yourself grieve for what may have been....

    I have two beautiful children, I had two horrible episodes of PP. I always thought I would have 3 children. I know its not going to happen, but sometimes I have to play over the what -ifs just to confirm the right decision has been made.

    But its ok to say I wanted that extra child, or I miss that extra child, even if you know you have made a wise choice for yourself and your family not to have any more.

    My hope and prayer for the future is that recognition and treatment of PP will be so much better, that the trauma experienced will be lessened, and women like us will be supported to have more children, but perhaps that is not the case now :(

    loveDEb

  • hi maxi

    it feels like we were meant to connect on this site today! I totally understand where you are coming from

    I had pp out of the blue when my daughter was 3 weeks old she is now four and a half and my life ❤

    it took me a year to recover

    my husband had a serious accident 2 years ago and he is now retired but has an acquired brain injury he is fine physically but there are many daily challenges

    like you I finally plucked up the courage to try for a second baby after discussions with my psychiatrist and gp

    I had a second psychotic episode after my husband's accident which was brought on by extreme stress

    well to cut a long story short! I too had a miscarriage in Sep it was my fourth in total since I had my daughter

    I'm still on 2.5 mg of olanzapine and 200 mg of anti depressant sertraline

    basically I have just come from my 6 month 'check up' with my psychiatrist who I have a good relationship I had a long chat with him again about trying for another baby he said again that he would never tell me not to try again but I have to be realistic and there is a good chance that I could get very sick again and end up I hospital

    this is just not an option for me as my parents are not alive and my sister lives lived in Dubai

    no real support from in laws too....

    who would mind my 5 year old and a new baby if I was to be hospitalised i thought about getting an au pair

    but he really made me think what would it be like for my daughter if she was separated from me again she is not a baby anymore

    she is always asking me for a brother or sister and I would so do love to give her one I feel so guilty and then on the other hand I have to keep myself well for her and my husband

    I came away today fermibg so deflated and sad line you I'm thinking a second child wasn't meant to be even though I still hace such a longing for one I'm 41

    it's such a hard decision to make

    love nickey

  • Thanks so much for sharing Nickey, it's nice to know we're not alone. It does sound like we're travelling very similar paths!!

    It's such a crossroad isn't it.

    I feel like I'm going around in circles trying to make the decision. One minute I think I'm happy with leaving things as perfect as they are and the next minute I'm thinking maybe we should try again just one more time.

    My son has never asked for a sibling and loves that our world revolves around just him, but I too feel guilty about 'choosing' for him to be an only child.

    If you ever want to chat I'd be more than happy to be your sounding board. We could go around in circles together 😉 Xo

  • hi maxi

    how are you? just wondering if you gave any more thought on trying for another baby

    I am still at such a cross roads as what to do

    last week I thought I had made a decision to draw a line under it and not out put myself and my family at risk if I got pregnant again and now this week I am thinking I will take the chance

    I just wish someone could tell me what to do

    I'm finding it so hard to make the Decision on my own even though my husband is very supportive of whatever I decide xx

  • Hi Mary

    I know exactly how you feel, it's such a massive decision that weighs heavily.

    These last few weeks I've written up a few plans for myself, one that outlined what all my fears were and if there was anything we could do to alleviate those or if there were some that were out of my control (most were) and if I could accept them.

    Hubby and I also caught up with a perinatal mental health worker who just facilitated a discussion between us both to find out exactly how we were both feeling about everything. Obviously she couldn't make the decision for us (I wish) but it really helped just to have someone listen and to ask us questions that got us thinking. She also made me feel as though, while she couldn't guarantee it wouldn't happen again, that we would have a good management plan in place to deal with it.

    I'm still ridiculously scared, but I feel like maybe we should try just one more time. For some reason I feel like if I miscarry again, I'll feel 100% sure that I'm destined to only have one child and won't feel the need to keep going back over it all, I honestly feel like I'll be done! And of course if it works out, then I'll feel like it's meant to be and we'll deal with whatever comes our way, and I'll have my plan for comfort. She also said she could catch up with me fortnightly throughout the whole pregnancy just to keep talking through my worries and we stay on top of things.

    So, in saying all that, I think we're ready to try one more time.

    I'm happy to chat privately through facebook or somewhere if you want to keep regularly talking through it? It's good to hear from you xoxo

  • hi maxi

    to be honest my head is completely melted with it all!!! I was talking to my only sister last night through Skype asking her advice and she is totally against it

    she had to come home and pick up the pieces the last time and in fairness she was great

    she said how could I put my daughter through that again

    I had psychosis 2.5 years ago unrelated to pregnancy when my daughter was only 2

    I remember the trauma of her coming to see me in hospital and then having to leave she was hysterical it was so painful to go through..... then I just think it will only be temporary if it happens and I would get through it again

    I just wish someone could make the Decision decision for me! I feel so cheated out of my experience of being a new mum yet in am so so greatful to have my beautiful daughter who just means the world to me and a great husband I do count my blessings in another way

    are you in the UK

    can you chat privately on this site ? or else on FB I would really like that

    thanks so much

    nickey xx

  • Not sure if we can private message on here, but happy to be in touch. x

  • Hi Maxi0501 & Nickey, APP offer 1:1 support if you would like to chat through with one of the volunteer peer supporters. Unfortunately this is only available to those in the UK at the moment, so unsure you would be able to access it. We're hoping to have more funding in the near future to extend it. Here is the link: app-network.org/peer-support/

    I think it is possible to message through HU if you click on someone's username. "Chatting" here allows others also to be involved and forms part of what we think is really great about the PPTalk community.

    Take care, xx

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