I have been posting here over the last few months. I’m up to quite a high dose of my mood stabilisers and still getting these crushing lows. My partner thinks maybe I am gradually getting a bit better. I don’t feel it though especially when I am have a really awful day like today. I’ve been crying all morning, and feel utterly hopeless. I’ve asked for another medication review.
I’m exhausted, drained, hopeless and have lost all the fight to beat this thing.
Hi MotherOfBears,
I am so sorry you are having such a bad day today. It is particularly grey over here and I find it a big struggle to face dull days when I am in my lows.
I am glad you have communicated to the team how you are feeling at the moment, it is a really difficult thing to do.
Can you make a list of things that have helped you in the past when navigating depression? Maybe going for a run is not in the cards, but following a gentle exercise routine at home could help? I know this is a very hard day, but if your husband is seeing the improvement, hold onto that, it is real, even though it does not feel like it at the moment. Maybe the bad days are coming less often, and that is already massive.
Always thinking of you, take really good care
Maria
thank you Maria x
can anyone else share experience where they have been improving overall but they still had some terrible days
Hi MotherOfBears
I’m sorry to read that things are still really difficult. In regards to terrible days - yes I have a lot of experience with these. Luckily for me I guess the brain protects itself by choosing to forget the most awful moments but I have flashes of memory of things like shutting myself away while the baby cried, not being able to bring myself to care for him. It’s hard to think back on those days but we survived and it was, as everyone says, temporary.
How old is your little one now? I think I found that the terrible days became a lot fewer when my son was a bit more interactive - when I could see him developing his own wee personality and start to plan fun things for us to do together, as opposed to the monotonous grind of baby care.
What have you got planned for today? Are there any friends you could meet up with, to break up your day a little bit?
Take good care,
Kat x
I think I’m always looking for hope. I have spent a lot of time on Reddit where lots of people talk about how effective Lamotrigine (my mood stabiliser) has been for them and on some days I can believe it. I’m on 300mg and the max dose I think is 400mg so I have some space to increase it if my team think that would help. Having a more hopeful day today, made myself go for a run then showered and off to a local choir group. So a really good day by comparison to yesterday when I was constantly crying. My partner thinks it is a lot worse when I don’t get out and about
I’ve said it before but I realise I post loads on here, but it is my lifeline on those savage days, to hear people explain to me why there is hope
that’s brilliant - honestly you are doing so well, and post away as much as you need, that is absolutely what we are all here for!
Getting outside and active is so important, I couldn’t agree more. The choir sounds great, singing is meant to be fantastic for our mental health, and it’s a sociable thing to do too. Hope you’ve got some lovely spring weather where you are, so you can get out lots today too.
Best wishes
Kat x
Hi Mother Of Bears,
It is hard each time a low comes around. You have been doing great though and if your husband can see a gradual improvement then that is also positive.
I know for myself that lows can be all consuming. In the moment of a low it is hard to feel and remember anything positive. So to encourage yourself becomes really difficult to do.. This is when you need to listen to and be encouraged by those close to you because they can see a more balanced picture than how we feel in out current emotional state.
The idea Maria suggested of writing down things that helped you last time is a good one. A day can seem massive and looming at the start but if you can break it down into little chunks it helps. Be kind to yourself and remember to not to put too much pressure on with lots of things you feel you must do
Take Care
Teresa x
Hi MotherOfBears,
Don’t get give up hope. You will get past all of this.
I would request a different medication. I also was very low after returning home from my hospitalization. My psychiatrist kept saying to up my dose. It took a month of back and forth before he finally listened to me and changed my medication. Just because a certain med works for most does not mean it works for all!
Advocate for yourself. You know your body best.
I hope even on your bad days you can find a little light. Just taking a breath, being present in the now and savoring the current moment helps. Like taking the time to enjoy your morning coffee or a hot shower.
hey, you know your moods best. You are right to ask for a review and don’t forget to phone your mental health team on a bad day. There is lots of support out there, tap into it.
You will come out of this, it’s a blip. And one day like me, maybe you will be writing, supporting others that have been in the same boat.
Keep going! Every day is a new start with new opportunities. Keep on expressing yourself and plan treats, be it a bath, a favourite meal or snack - get out in the sun. Have full faith you will recover in time xx
I’m trying to hold onto that hope and belief that one day I will be better. It’s just so hard to cope with the day to day feelings of being depressed. And I often don’t feel that belief that I’ll ever get better.
Hello MotherOfBears, I am also thinking of you and still can relate to you, even though I have recovered from PPP. I live with ups and downs due to my chronical condition of Bipolar.
Finding the appropriate meds can be a real struggle. When suffering with acute Psychosis, only the traditional old drugs helped to get me out of this trauma, whilst sectioned. In the after care I had such a big team to continuously check my meds-planner. My partner had to help observe and journalise. The side effect were immense. I have had no coordination, I could not communicate, low concentration level, no emotions, constipation etc...
The recovery process took around two years with the help of a psychiatrist, my partner, GP and care-coordinator and simultaneously I weaned off successfully from Risperidone, Haloperidol, Lorazepam and other pills.
It is useful to research about meds and to discuss further options with your health professionals. Your body is healing and it is important to consistently overhaul and revise recovery process. When improving I journalised a lot and did a mood tracker to feed back to my Psychiatrist and GP. Your voice counts as it is you, who needs to be able to find a gentle path and to cope with a routine for yourself and family.
Lows are painful. I am a great advocate for alternative meds and therapeutic avenues. It works for me, but we are all so different in our make-up, and our needs. I have learnt to listen to my body and step back from situations, which may trigger my well being. Learning how to manage life and implement coping mechanisms can be developed via therapeutic modalities, in my case it is daily yoga, meditation and Reiki. I love journalising and art, too. The waves do come and go and I sometimes hit hard waves, but when in cooperating my techniques I find eventually equilibrium again 
Sending you so much love and kindness ad remember you will recover from PPP, we all have on this forum.
xxx
having such a hard few days and feeling hopeless again. I don’t know how to cope with this continuing low mood. It’s scares me so much that I might never get better
Hi MotherOfBears, hard days when they come in a bunch are relentless and exhausting. Has the medication review you asked for taken place already? There is hope for you, for sure there is, and you deserve to feel better. Thinking of you, here if you want to chat
Hello MotherOfBears,
I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with such hard days and are feeling hopeless. I know it must feel so so hard when you’re dealing with the lows. You will get through this. Keep reaching out and accessing all the support you can, you have more strength than you know.
We’re all here to listen and support you always.
Sending hugs,
Jenny xx
thank you. I always try my hardest to do all the things that will help me feel better like getting up, exercising, getting outside. This weekend though I didn’t do any of that, I just caved in. And I think that is why it was particularly bad. It’s just so exhausting to keep going every day.
I’m waiting for an appointment for my medication review. I’m assuming that the next step will be to try lithium. I scared myself by asking Google how long it takes to work and it can take months. Also read about ‘treatment resistant’ bipolar depression and that scared me too.
Hi MotherOfBears,
You're doing so well reaching out when things just feel too much, that can be really hard so well done - keep leaning on all of that support.
That's good you'll be having a medication review. Try not to Google too much, it's a minefield out there!! I think everyone is different when it comes to medication and how long things take to have an effect, but each day is another step forward 💜
Thinking of you.
Best wishes,
Jenny x
Hi MotherofBears, I just wanted to write to you, though I don't think I've written on your thread before. I'm Ellie, one of APP's coordinators. I had PP in 2011 after the birth of my son, and really struggled with depression afterwards too.
My experience was that I would go up and down, have some good days, and then some bad days. The bad days were awful, especially when they came after some good /better days, it would make me feel I wouldn't feel well again, but somehow I did come through the lows. But I really remember the feeling of hopelessness.
I just wanted to write to give you hope, that you really will come through this, and the depression will lift in time.
It might be good not to google symptoms, I know for myself the depression would focus on anything negative.
I do hope your mood will lift soon, or you'll find enough energy and motivation to do something that helps,
Take care, and know we're here at anytime, Ellie
thanks Ellie, I remember you saying how bad your depression was after PP. I’m feeling a bit more hopeful today. It’s good to hear about your recovery story. It’s so hard coping with those lows week after week, so painful. I totally recognise what you say about how it is awful when a bad day follows some good ones.
This will one day be in the rear view mirror. Which is both comforting and sad as I feel like I’m missing so much of my son’s babyhood. I’ve just got to keep enduring this.
I spoke with my care coordinator yesterday and I am leaving the perinatal team, which is a big step, and being referred to a specialist mood disorder programme which is quite intensive. Hopefully they can help me get a handle on the depression.
Thanks again to everyone for their support and messages of hope.
Hi MotherofBears,
Yes, the depression is hard to deal with, especially when you have some good times. That's good you're being discharged from perinatal to an intensive mood disorder service, that could be a really positive thing. When I was unwell I was with the early intervention in psychosis service, and I found meeting with a psychologist really helpful to challenge the negative thoughts.
Take care, and know you can keep writing here for support
Ellie
Hi MotherOfBears,
what is the "specialist mood disorder programme"? I am always curious. I took part in a course programme with Cardiff University, which was extremely useful for managing my BP spectrum.
I always remember that it was rather difficult in letting go of a support link such as my former care coordinator, group therapy, any other courses contributing to my recovery. Be kind and gentle to yourself and hope you will find your path in establishing further skills and confidence, but also meeting some kind people for peer supporting.
Love and kindness xxx
I don’t know much about it, but it is an 16 week programme designed to get mood disorders under control and there is a weekly outpatient appointment with a doctor or psychologist as needed
All the additional course programmes helped me tremendously throughout my recovery. Take care and thinking of you. x
Hi MotherOfBears,
I agree with Jenny, it's only the shocking cases that get the most hits in google, so try not to go there too much, its difficult because I know you want answers. I am glad that the medication review is coming up soon. It is so positive too that you identified the things that can make you feel better. I know that they take energy and effort, so it is so normal to decide to let go when we are seeing an improvement. Would going on a run with a friend motivate you more, perhaps? Or perhaps trying a local yoga class?
Take really good care, here for whatever you need
I’ve started on a new medication- venaflaxine instead of the sertraline I was on. Fingers crossed this works.
I hope your change of medication is positive MotherofBears XX
Hi MotherOfBears,
Hope your medication change is a positive one. We’ll all be thinking of you.
Rachel x
I’m so desperate for this to work. So so desperate. I spend lots of time googling “venaflaxine success stories”. Especially after spending four months working up on the Lamotragine and now we have decided it isn’t working. I know there’s no other way to do this other than try different combinations and see what works, the doctors aren’t miracle workers. And they are also thinking about the long term. But it’s so tough going through this week after week after week. And with two little ones to look after.
Yes so please everyone keep fingers crossed for me that this medication combo works
Hello MotherOfBears,
I just wanted to check in and let you know I'm thinking of you.
I hope you're doing ok, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the medication change sees some improvements for you. Keep going, you'll get there and don't forget how amazing you are 💜
Best wishes,
Jenny x
Thanks Jenny, that’s so kind of you to check in.
My partner has taken some time off and I’m forcing myself to be up in the mornings, and then resting in the afternoons. I feel bad about going back to bed in the afternoons but I feel so beaten down at the moment. All I want to do is stay under the duvet and come out when I’m better again. I just feel like I’ve exhausted all my fight and my energy. I’m running on empty.
Hi MotherOfBears,
Sorry for the late reply to this, and I've just seen your new post as well.
I'm sorry you're feeling so beaten down. I can totally understand you just wanting to stay under the duvet when so exhausted, you're doing so well to get yourself up in the mornings - I know it can't be easy so well done.
It can definitely take some time for new medications to take effect. Are you staying in regular contact with your psychiatrist? I know it must feel like such a slog, but keep going one day at a time 💜
I'll reply on your new post as well.
Jenny x
Run down
Feeling really low
Quetiapine 
Will I ever love my children again?
