Bipolar 2nd child back on meds but struggling

[Polarbear44]

Been off all meds for 3 years to have 2 children age 2 and 18 weeks. New baby been poorly and in hospital every week for 16 weeks for appts. Few ups and downs but now had to take sertraline as not good diazepam didn't work now zopiclone but had to take 4 and still can't sleep it's been a week can't eat and can't function.also propranolol Hearing music and people talking. Careworker said try and sleep! hubby getting cross and have had to escape to friends to try and rest

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi polarbear I just wrote on the other thread, but thought I would copy and paste here. We are here for you but do phone crisis team if you need help. We are here for you X

Hi Polarbear44

I'm so sorry to hear that you are really struggling at the moment, and that your youngest has been ill. We are here for you.

Do not feel bad at all about ringing crisis team if you feel really bad - it is OK that you need help and support, don't hesitate to ring them if you need to, or if you feel really bad to go into A&E. Be really honest with your care worker or the crisis team about everything you are feeling, then they will be able to help you.It is OK that you need help, and you will get better.

Is there anyone you can call who can stay in the house while you try and sleep so you're not alone?

Take care, write whenever you need to X

[Mungomia]

Hi Polar Bear

Really sorry to hear that you are feeling so unwell. Lack of sleep has to be the worst thing when you're trying to look a 2 year old and a new baby.

I was very unwell when I had my son, he was premature and was then ill every two weeks with a chest infection or ear infection until he was about 2. It was a terrible strain so you really do have my sympathies.

I had zopiclone too and although it helped me sleep it left me feeling very woozy in the morning.

If the sleeping tablets and other meds are not working for you and your're not eating or able to function then I do think you need to see your GP or mental health team as a matter of urgency.

As Ellie_at_APP suggested It sounds a good idea to have someone with you in the house while you try and get some sleep, maybe there are friends or family who could help your husband look after your two children elsewhere whilst you get some rest?

Let us know how you get on but don't be afraid to ask for help.

best wishes

Val

[jessieh APP]

Hi polarbear,

Thank you for reaching out and being so honest about how you are feeling.

I'm sorry too to hear about your new baby being poorly, it must be such a worrying time and incredibly difficult if you are unable to get rest.

It sounds to me that the medication that you are on at the moment needs to be reviewed to make sure that you are able to sleep and feel well enough yourself. As Ellie says, don't be scared to call the crisis team, you need to make sure you look after yourself. A&E will have an on call psychiatrist so whatever time of day, there is always someone there for you. I know from personal experience how quickly things can escalate with pp, and so the sooner you get help, the easier and faster treatment is. If you are unable to explain in person how you are feeling, perhaps you could show this message to medical staff?

Any support you can get from family and friends at this time you should ask for, everyone is there for in times of need. I hope you are able to get some rest. Reply when you can to let us know how you are getting on.

Lots of love,

Jessiex

[sarah_at_app Volunteer]

Hi Polarbear,

It's really good that you are expressing how you are feeling. Signs of becoming unwell can often not be noticed. Exhaustion and sleep deprivation is often put down to having a new baby and you have an older child too and must be exhausting.

I think the most important thing right now is to talk to professionals/crisis team as your medication is not helping you to sleep.

I remember not sleeping for several nights and Zopiclone wasn't helping. This needs to be sorted out now as things can get worse very quickly with lack of sleep. Sleep deprivation after childbirth is a common problem and needs to be managed to prevent further problems.

Please don't be afraid to ask for help, I think the crisis team or on call GP would be the best people to get in touch with and as mentioned in an earlier reply maybe you can show them these posts so that nothing gets missed and you can get the right help.

Take care, write anytime to us on here,

Sarah.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

How have you been coping since you posted earlier? Did you phone your Crisis Team as suggested? I know your children are your priority but you must try and find some support for yourself. Is your husband back home now with your children? You can call your GP out of hours service for help (just ring the usual number for your GP and you will be able to speak to someone). Also The Samaritans are available 24 / 7 (08457 909090) just to listen and talk. I think you need to have your medication reviewed because if you find the right one it can make all the difference.

Please stay safe. It's not easy coping with a young family. Your husband is probably worried about you and doesn't know how to help. Do you have family nearby who can help ...... just by looking after the baby for a few hours might give you both a break?

We are all thinking of you ...... it's hard being on medication, trying to cope with an illness and routine but if your husband can find the right support for you, it will be ok. Don't despair ........ there's nothing as stressful as seeing our children ill and having to go to hospital but you need help too.

Take good care of yourself and let us know how you are if you can.

[Polarbear44]

Wow thank u all so much.it means the world to have u x Well I did sleep for hour and half without meds and just feel so jaded. Have finally eaten as not had a diner since Sunday! This is so different to normal highs and lows as I am normally high for 2 weeks going crazy then crash and sleep for 2/3 days. This isn't happening it's just not going away. Am so worried that I can't look after kids this week. Have people coming Monday as don't want to be alone. I am so tired but my body is refusing. Have spent the day on my own trying to relax but can't sit down. But no concentration to even put to on or read paper Lost interest in everyone and confidence gone to even get outside to shops or out with kids in park. I think I need some help but don't really want social services as would worry me. I have been sectioned voluntary 7 years ago but it's not at that state. hubby has kids at home yesterday and today and I am at mums as she is on holiday. I feel safe here and it's 2 mins away. It's interesting as I was interviewed to be on Bbc programme about past pardon psychosis I think I wud have been a good viewing but just didn't want my private life for all to see and cudnt Cope with negative views but I really want to help people. I have been thru lots of treatments meds therapy and have been happy for so long. It's rubbish. Hubby only sees the negative and ignores me doesn't suggest going for walk or bath. He just says I look sketchy and thinks I bring it on myself? As soon as Iam low he is the most attentive people. Have even had couple therapy to deal with this and it still hasn't worked. I find it actually makes my mood worsen as I am worried what he's thinking and looks cross and saying going to bed when am wired or eat when am actually being sick. There is probably more am sorry but it helps to get it out. I've always been really honest.

[Polarbear44]

U guys r so lovely. Thank u. I think crisis team may be needed to get me to sleep cause body is fighting it. Have now been hearing music from daughters mobile when it's not on and even can hear at mums and walking. First time in a long time also could hear people talking and

Why am I still awake

[Polarbear44]

So I think u saw my message earlier. So u think it's post pardem psychosis. The physcitrust said probably postnatal depression but I don't believe it's a massive reaction to new drugs after been off everything for 3 years. Why r the zopiclone not working I took one previous and out now 2 at a time then awake for 4 hours for more and herbal and rescue remedie. I am worried they want to take me in as can't be away without kids. It's been hard enough this week any suggestions

[BronSyd]

Sorry to hear you're not well Polarbear.

I remember being in your situation of not being able to sleep.

Try not to get hung up on your diagnosis or whether you need to be hospitalised.

Just know you need help to get rest.

I'm sure you realise from your previous experience that's going to require a visit to a Dr.

Please don't self medicate with your meds as that can get very dangerous.

It's the middle of the night for you right? I remember getting some relief from ringing the 24hr helpline.

Someone suggested the Samaritans on 08457 909090.

Maybe give that a try just to get you through to the morning.

If you still need to chat I'm in Australia so it's not the middle of the night for me.

Good Luck.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi polar bear thanks for the messages. It was good to hear from you again but so sorry you're still struggling.

Please, do not be afraid to ask for help. Don't hesitate to phone the crisis team. also if you do end up needing to go to hospital do request a mother and baby unit place, it is the right place for you to be with your baby but get all the support you need.

Did you manage to sleep a bit last night? how are you feeling this morning? do you have someone with you? is there a friend or someone from family you can call?

Take care polar bear we're all here for you, thinking of you a lot x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello polarbear

Thanks for coming back to let us know how you feel. Never worry about how much you write here, it's all confidential and anonymous, so it's better to get all your thoughts out than keep them in your head. There's no one here to judge or offend.

Are you in the UK? If so you will receive excellent treatment and care but you have to find it, or if you're not strong enough your husband can help you.

Try not to worry about contacting the Crisis Team .... they are there to help you. The second time I had PP I was mainly treated at home. The psychiatrist, CPN and health team would come to my house and I was only away from my children as an inpatient in times of crisis. I can hear how dedicated you are to your children, all those hospital visits you have made with the new baby, but now you need to think of yourself and find support.

Will your mum be able to help when she comes back from holiday? Have you told your GP the therapy didn't work? I think he needs to know ...... he should also refer you back to your psychiatrist as you need your medication reviewed to find the one that will work and also a proper diagnosis.

If you are in the UK there might be a local HomeStart in your area who can offer support. It's very difficult for your husband to see you so unwell and not know what to do. So try not to worry about his attitude ...... just find the help you need to be well again. I think your GP can set things in motion for you ....... please ring and make a double appointment which will give you time to explain all that you are feeling and worried about.

Perhaps the people who are coming on Monday will be able to ring round for help on your behalf? Everyone will want to do what's best for you and your family.

Stay safe and let us know how you are if you can. We are all here for you.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi polar bear, sorry to hear things are hard but you're doing a good thing asking for support here. I would really encourage you to keep talking and ask for help, the crisis team would seem a good call to make. Or A&E if you are feeling scared, although I would hope Crisis would respond even on a weekend.

Do you have the numbers to call people? You mentioned you've been on meds so I hope there's someone you know and trust professional wise to reach out to.

Take care, keep chatting to us too if it's helping. You're not alone, xx

[Polarbear44]

So had rest today but now wondering room to room not sure what to do with myself. Am still away from home as bit anxious about going back.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Thanks for letting us know how you are now. I'm glad you had a rest but you really need to be at home so you can be supported by your family. Instead of wandering around from room to room can you make yourself a drink and try to sleep until morning? Is there anyone who can stay overnight with you?

Have you let your husband know how you are so he knows you are safe? Did you phone the Crisis Team today? You can phone the Samaritans, just to talk, if it might help.

Stay safe and keep in touch if you can. We are all here for you.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi polarbear, how are you this morning? I hope your night was ok and you could rest and that you get some support from the mental health team supporting you. Do come back and let us know how you are if you feel able x

[Polarbear44]

So had a better sleep and stayed in bed most of the morning. Saw a friend and although was edgy at first was ok. Trying to get really tired before I attempt to go to bed as feel meds are making me horrid the next day. Need to go home and see my babies but worried how I will be

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Good to know you are ok and that you had a friend visiting today. I think you need to go home to see your GP to let him know how the meds make you feel. I'm sure you're missing your babies and it might do you good to see them even though you're worried. You're a brilliant mum who just needs some help .........

[jessieh APP]

Hi polar bear,

Just to say I'm thinking about you, I hope you've been able to get some more support.

Love Jessie x

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hello polarbear, I hope you are doing OK, been thinking about you and hope you are keeping safe and managing to have some rest. Take care, xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Just wondering how you are? It's not easy for you but with the right support and care you will eventually feel better. Stay safe and keep in touch if you can.

We are all thinking about you.

[Polarbear44]

My husband has taken another week off work as can't look after the kids. Is there any help we r entitled to

[Spaghetti]

Hi Polarbear

So sorry, I can't advise about whether there's any help you're entitled to. I'm just writing to say that I hope you're managing to get a bit of rest and time to yourself, with your other half being off. Have you been able to see the doctor and get some support?

thinking of you

Spaghetti x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear44

Thanks for taking time to post. There is a new service you can access via your GP, if you live in the UK, where you can ask for an information pack which includes details of support and how to obtain financial help, etc. It's a very new service so I hope your GP or the admin staff in the Surgery will be able to help you.

I'm not sure whether Sure-Start can offer advice and support, otherwise your local Citizens Advice Bureau might be able to guide you.

Please don't suffer in silence and try to speak to your GP or Practice Nurse to see how they can help with your medication and how you feel. In time you will be able to cope with your children and all that you did before, so please get help for yourself.

Stay safe and keep in touch if you can.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Polarbear

It is good your husband is off, but it's worrying when it affects you financially. I would say Citizens Advice Bureau are definitely the best place to go. I have been for a few practical, financial things and they've always given really good, helpful, and accurate advice. I hope that you will be able to get support.

Take care, thinking of you a lot

[Polarbear44]

Not been great atall. Have appt with perinatal team and careworker and physchiatrist all together to sort out meds as have been totally out of it. I hate it so much I just want my life back. I will have my mum round helping as can't even look after myself let alone kids at mo. ganna try getting on tommorow morning as totally lost confidence

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Polarbear, I'm so sorry you're feeling so ill. It is good you have your mum's support. I hope that is ok. You are a great mum, you're just ill, and you will get better, I promise. And you will find your confidence again, but don't push yourself, you need to get better first... and you will.

I just wanted to let you know about the second opinion psychiatry service with Dr Ian Jones who is a really good perinatal psychiatrist. I know others have used him and he's worked with the person's psychiatrist to advise on meds etc. Perhaps you could mention it at your meeting tomorrow? Your psychiatrist would have to make a referral. app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

I hope the meeting goes OK tomorrow, it is good you have a lot of professionals supporting you.

Thinking of you loads X

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear44

Please don't be so hard on yourself .... it's not easy to cope as you are feeling low at the moment. I was hopeless with self care and routine. Like you I needed a lot of family support.

I hope your care team will be able to sort something out for you tomorrow. It can be quite a worry sitting in a room with the team but if you try to remember they are all there to help you it could be the first step to feeling better about yourself.

We are always here to listen and help if we can. Take good care.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear44

I hope you had a good day and were able to sort your meds out with the care team.

We are all thinking of you. Stay safe and take care.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Polarbear, thinking of you & hoping you are ok. We are here whenever you need us X

[Polarbear44]

Have meeting with all team tommorow. Wondering if anyone has any good suggestions on meds

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Polarbear,

I hope that meeting goes OK tomorrow. The difficulty with meds is that people respond to meds differently and sometimes you have to try different ones and find out what works for you. I personally was on Olanzapine for the psychosis which worked well for me, and Escitilipram for the depression, which also worked well. But each person is different. If you are in the UK do see if the team think it would be helpful to refer you to Dr Ian Jones as I mentioned above, to give a second psychiatric opinion.

Do let us know how it goes. Thinking of you. X

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

I don't have much to add to the good advice above about medication. I think it might be an idea for you to write down any questions you have. I remember going to appointments and feeling a bit nervous, so the questions I wanted to ask went out of my head. I hope you have someone to go with for support.

I know it's not easy but try not to worry. If the team can find the right medication for you it will make all the difference to how you feel and your confidence will slowly build. You have had so much to cope with, especially your baby being poorly in hospital and it's time now for you to have the help you deserve.

Take good care ...... I hope the meeting goes well.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

How did your meeting go today? I hope you felt supported by your care team and you have a clear diagnosis and plan.

It must have been exhausting for you so I hope you are ok.

Stay safe and take care.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi Polar bear, I too was wondering how you are and hope your appointment went well. Feel free to post any updates or questions you might have, we're all here to chat if useful to you. Take care, xx

[Polarbear44]

Came away with no change of meds and a review in 6 weeks with psychiatrist. I am sleeping better but last few nights took meds. Just feel I can't be bothered to do anything. I am putting on a front when I see people but can't get involved with kids. My husband looks like he's at breaking point and keeps saying when Is this going to change. I wish I was back hearing voices at least it was interesting. Even struggled to buy milk or get petrol as so anxious and smoking loads as like being outside.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear44

It's not an easy stage in your recovery for you or your husband. I remember not feeling as though I wanted to do anything and relied on my husband and family. I also put on my "I'm fine" face meeting people. It's all only temporary and your motherly instinct is still intact ........ it's just that you're not strong enough to cope with your illness and routine at the moment.

Would your mum be able to visit so that you could spend an hour or so having a break with your husband? Or, if you like being outside is it possible to go with your husband and children to the local park, although it might be a bit cold if you're in the UK? I think the fact that you're not hearing voices now is a good sign that you have improved but recovery does take time.

Stay safe and take good care.

[Spaghetti]

Hi Polar Bear

Like everyone on this thread i am thinking of you and hoping things will turn a corner soon.

I wonder if your mum is still able to help a bit? As Lilybeth says, it would be great if she could give you both a little rest from looking after the children. You also say how much you enjoy being outside and i wonder if it would be possible to go for a walk and clear your head for a little while? (Perhaps going with a friend if it feels too daunting to be alone at the moment. )

Hard as it is, if the voices have gone I feel sure you're already past tthe worst of the PP.

Thinking of you and sending you all good wishes

Spaghetti

[Polarbear44]

So had better days although anxiety hitting me 3/5 evenings really bad. Now taken meds to help sleep as not sat down all day or relax. I like these feelings almost abit high but am in control. Am like an owl and want to see things at night. I enjoy the quietness outside and it's awful am smoking but it helps and I like the time for me. Hubby ignoring it and fed up doing everything then I end up worrying about him

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Good to hear from you. I hope you were able to sleep. It's good to hear you feel in control but I'm sorry you're having anxiety which can be awful. Sitting and enjoying the outside space at night can have a calming effect after the busyness of the day can't it?

Your husband is doing very well to cope while you are not well. Do you think he needs to see his G.P? On the APP page app-network.org under personal experiences there is a book "Husband in a Storm" which might be helpful to have a look at. Another mum here might be able to give you the link.

Take good care of yourself. Stay safe and keep writing here if it helps.

[Polarbear44]

Went out with both kids today but got so anxious and I just don't feel myself with friends. I am unhappy with my life as feel empty and lost my get up and go. This stage hasn't gone on this long ever and I know it's because I have the children and can't just switch off and get better as need to be there for them. Hubby fed up and doesn't understand and will only talk when I do.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

It's very difficult to motivate yourself when you are feeling so low. Is it possible that you can ring your care team and ask for an earlier appointment with your Psychiatrist? Can your careworker help at all?

Six weeks seems a long time to wait for your next appointment. Is it possible that your mum can go with you so that the care team can have a different idea about how you are? I think it would be good if your husband had help too. I'm really sorry it's so hard for you both. The Samaritans are always available to talk to 24/7 (telephone : 116 113 in UK) if this helps or perhaps BipolarUK.org might be able to give you advice.

It's not easy as your baby has been so poorly and that must have been very stressful for you both. If it's possible to find a quiet space when you can talk calmly with your husband I think that would do you both good to release the tension. I think you need more support to help you through how unhappy you are at the moment.

Stay safe and take care. Please keep writing here if it helps.

Thinking of you.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Polarbear

I’m so sorry that you are feeling so low. I suffered from depression after the psychosis, I know how awful it can be, I remember exactly what you’re describing.

It was really unbearable at times and I thought I would never get better, but you will, slowly you will have good days and the bad days will get better.

I found it helpful to plan my day even just taking each hour – I’d tell myself I’ll do two small things in the next hour – e.g. put some laundry on, and do the washing up. It helped me to feel I had achieved something, and just got me through the day, and that I had some kind of ‘routine’ somehow, even if it was such a struggle to do it, it was like a fight every day at times.

I found it so hard to be sociable and see friends too, and it was so difficult with my partner. I too felt completely empty, like I’d lost myself. But you will be yourself again.

Are you seeing a mental health nurse regularly who is supporting you?

Take care we are here whenever you want to ‘talk’ X

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Just wondering how you have been today? I hope the replies here have been helpful and that you can find the support you need for yourself and family asap.

We are all thinking of you.

Stay safe and take care.

[Polarbear44]

Still getting anxious especially afternoon evening. I just want to be alone. Had the kids on my own for a short while today. I coped but just want the days to end. They have prescribed a slow release quatepine but it's a higher dose and am reluctant to take if makes more drowsy. I walked to bottom of road tonight and it's the furthest I've been for days. Am so sick of this and my eating is awful too. Really hungry then don't want anything. I just want quiet all the time.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Good to hear from you. I'm sorry you're still feeling anxious. You did very well to cope alone with your children. It's difficult to cope with routine if you're depressed and some days seem endless.

I'm not sure about the effects of the medication you have been prescribed. Perhaps a higher dose has been given to lift your mood, although I can appreciate that you don't want to feel more drowsy if looking after your children.

Try not to isolate yourself. Going to the bottom of your road is an achievement. Perhaps you might go a little further tomorrow ..... but not on your own. If it all feels too much for you please contact the numbers above, just to talk and get things out of your head. Is it possible to tell your G.P how you feel to see if you can have an earlier appointment with the Psychiatrist?

Please stay safe and keep writing here if we can help.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Polarbear

I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling.

It is really important you take your medication though, even if you may struggle with some side effects. Meds is one of the main things which will help you get better, it's really important you follow the doses as prescribed by the psychiatrists.

I do remember well the feeling of just not being able to engage in anything, to just want the day to end and get to bed, and time alone with my son was so difficult. I promise you, you will get better, and your mood will lift. It just takes time

Take care, do write whenever you need to. X

[Hidden]

Dear Polarbear,

sorry about your struggles at the moment. It is good to journalise on this page about your difficulties. You are not on your own and from reading the previous messages you are trying to keep focused and ask for help and advise. The APP team and their volunteers are excellent; Volunteers and members of staff are experienced and show compassion-they are listening, because they have been suffering from PP! Keep talking....the support network is developing and specialists/professionals will make sure you are safe and secure...you are not on your own....!!!

I am thinking of you.

Kind wishes, Sabine

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hello Polarbear,

I was sorry to read that you are finding things tough at the moment. I too remember all too well wanting the days to end, for someone to take care of my baby and just to have peace and quiet and go to sleep. It's hard, but perhaps trying to set yourself little targets, like a cup of tea at a certain time, or 10 minutes with a magazine whilst the kids can occupy themselves (if they are the right age for that?) - this sort of thing might help you. Getting out of the house, even if just to the end of the road, can be helpful too. Or perhaps people can come to you so it breaks the day up? I do know that it's hard though, and what helped me was to plan things so I wouldn't feel too overwhelmed and that I had the whole day stretching in front of me.

I don't have experience of the meds you mention but taking them as prescribed will be important. If you don't feel they are quite right for you, you can always ask for another review. It's hard but they can really help in your recovery so it's important to keep taking them. I know it's frustrating, but things will get better as time goes on. Soon you will be able to look back and be proud of how far you have come.

I too hope that writing your feelings and thoughts here is helpful for you and also comforting in some way that we have all "been there". But you can get through it, just as we have, and one day you will be able to feel that the worst is behind you and you can enjoy things more again.

Take care, keep talking to us and to others, you will get there, xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Just wondering how you are and if your weekend was ok.

Stay safe and take care.

[Polarbear44]

Did something stupid went cold turkey Friday and don't feel too well. Think I shud start back on some but worried what careworker will say or do

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi polarbear It's good to hear from you.

It is really important you take your meds as directed by your psychiatrist / mental health team. Do keep taking them and the right doses as it can have a huge affect if you don't, as you can see already. I know it's hard if you don't like the side effects but you will get better much quicker and smoother if you do take them. There will be a right time to reduce them, with guidance from your psychiatrist, but first you need to be better.

Do be honest with your support if you haven't taken your meds, it's really important as they can monitor your mood and meds properly then.

Take care, thinking of you a lot x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

I think we have all learned to our cost what a bad idea missing our medication is. For some reason we think we don't need it .... that we can manage without it ....... but we now know better! Don't worry what your care worker will say or do, as long as you are honest she will know how to help you and will want you to feel better.

Take good care.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Was your careworker understanding when you mentioned you had missed your medication? I hope you are feeling better this week.

Take care.

[Hidden]

Dear Polarbear,

Hope you are feeling better! Keep writing on this forum and talk to your support network. There is help at hand.. talk about your feelings and just say how it is....if you are open and transparent, family, friends and professional support team can identify your needs and implement support stages....

.... when I was poorly it was of great importance to take my medication in order to keep psychosis at bay and eventually to help to settle into a routine. The crisis team, the health visitor and my partner's family made sure I improved in stepping stones.

My partner helped me to feel a bit more independent again and once I established a copying mechanism, meaning getting used to the medication and gaining more confidence in looking after my baby. I went to baby & toddler groups once a week. My boy must have been 6 months. I later on increased that to two sessions per week. I did not talk much, but the sure start staff were of great help and support. I believe I just want to emphasis that it is important to establish a routine, to take your medicine and to try and go out in order to get some fresh air and/or to be with somebody you can connect with (family member/friend) & not to isolate yourself.

Thinking of you. Sabine

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Just wondering how your week has been. I hope you are ok.

Take care.

[Polarbear44]

Back on all meds and something to help nausea as felt really sick. First day on my own tommorow with kids and have play date. Really hope i am coming out of it although still edgy at times and feel want my own space thank u for all ure support it really helps

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Good to hear from you. I'm glad you're back on your medications so hopefully you will feel much better when they kick in. Is it the medication that was making you feel sick? Make sure you have something to eat before you take all your medication.

I'm sure you will have fun with your children at the play date ...... you're such a good mum to have coped with all that you have been through. It looks like you are slowly getting better so make sure you take care of yourself. I think we all like to have our own space at times and do need to find a few minutes to ourselves .......... even if it's only relaxing with a cup of tea on the sofa while your children are safely playing or asleep.

We're always here to talk if it helps.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Polarbear

It’s lovely to hear your update.

That’s good you are taking all your meds now. I know that sometimes the side affects aren’t great but it is really important and will mean you get better quicker.

That’s good you have a play date tomorrow, and that you feel well enough to be with the children on your own. That’s amazing progress.

I don’t think it’s bad at all that you feel you need your own space, I’m sure it’s your mind and body telling you to look after yourself, and take some time to yourself. Do take what you can, and rest when you feel you need to. I did find I needed to sleep or just rest a lot when I was recovering. You have been through so much.

Take care, keeping writing whenever you want to X

[Polarbear44]

All I am finding now is my husband seems distant and almost cross. I know he didn't like me smoking but I found it helped with the anxiety and I am really strict and never let the children see me smoke. I don't enjoy it and will stop but it's something that helps at the moment and sometimes just like being outside alone. I ask him what's wrong and he says nothing. I have friends whom aren't that close saying lovely messages how proud they r how I have got thru this but he never gives me any positive just negative or nothing. I can't deal with his moods I need to focus on me. I understand how hard it has been recently for him and I am so grateful and tell him but he seems unhappy with life

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

I think it is very difficult for partners to understand that we have coping strategies to reduce anxiety or stress. At the moment you are finding smoking helpful and it's only temporary. Your husband has been through all your ups and downs with you and perhaps he worries when you are outside on your own. Do you think he might need support from his GP for his moods? I did suggest earlier in this thread that he could read a short book on here "Husband in a Storm" which might be helpful.

You're right that you have to focus on yourself but I think it would be good if perhaps you could have a night out together? Then you could calmly say to your husband that you feel he is unhappy. Let him know you are there for him as he has been for you. Perhaps it would help him to talk about how he feels to his GP. This could possibly relieve your stress, which might reduce your smoking

Take good care of yourself.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Polarbear

I’m sorry to hear things are difficult with your partner at the moment. How are you feeling generally, are you feeling a bit better than you were?

I have to say relationship problems most definitely aren’t uncommon. Here is a link to a thread recently for example healthunlocked.com/app-netw... There have been many more posts on here about how people are struggling in their relationships.

Also just in case you haven’t seen it APP do have a guide for partners, and information on our website. Maybe you could let your partner know and he could have a read? app-network.org/partners-2/

PP is really traumatic and challenging for everyone involved. I’ll be honest that me and my partner’s relationship wasn’t good for a good 2-3 years, and it’s really only the last year or so that we’ve started re-finding ourselves again (my son is 4 ½).

I would agree with Lilybeth that getting time away from the kid/s is really important. Are you able to get a babysitter for an evening so you can go out? I know it’s hard to think about these things when you’re not feeling too great. I really wish me and my partner had done that more, I think it would have helped.

My partner was also really traumatised from the whole experience of PP, to the point he was off work with stress, and some counselling really helped him with it. I wonder if your partner is struggling?

Take care do keep coming back whenever you need to. X

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi Polarbear,

Not sure I can add anything to the great posts by Ellie and Lilybeth other than to say I've been there too. My husband internalised a lot of his feelings (typical bloke!) and in hindsight did struggle too. It's awful the affect that PP can have on the relationship, but you can come through this. Again, it just may take a little time.

I found that letting my husband do his own thing and just "be", whilst I could then have the time I wanted on my own (as you also describe) did help. And it will pass for you. I like the idea of time out together too, again something that we aren't the best at doing and have to try on too.

Whilst my husband never went to the GP for any help or support when he did get some bad migraines, he went for advice and I do think the GP was "looking out for him" in connection with the challenges in recovering from PP as a family too.

Take care and keep writing and sharing your feelings, I hope it is helpful for you. We've all been there and you can get through this, take care, xx

[Polarbear44]

Thank u all for ure support I turn to this everyday. So been feeling a lot more upbeat not manic but happy to actually do some jobs. Anxiety had gone but today had a massive anxiety attack not one I've experienced before. I had a dr appt anyway and was tacticardic when had obs done. My husband totally ignored it and mum was worried but saw a massive improvement later in morning after I had some time alone. Have tried talking to him last nite but he refuses. have again made a massive effort to have dinner sat with him and attempted the subject of how is behaviour is really effecting me we have already had phschologist couple counselling to deal with this problem as he hates me when am in this stage. He is still doing all the things we discussed as cause me to get worse but nothing. He told me to foff as fed up me going on about it. But he says it's how we cope.

[Polarbear44]

I mentioned how this forum is helping me and wud he like to see with me. NO! I asked what do u want me to do he said I don't know. He has been absolutely amazing and I'd be lost without him. I totally feel how this has been a huge strain on him physically and mentally and after 20 years together we've been thru a lot worse. But am struggling how this will finish.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi polar bear

This is a tough one with your husband. All I can say is that people deal with stuff in different ways and I guess at least you've tried and told him how you're feeling and what is helping, such as the forum. Perhaps he needs to find his own way through, perhaps he has someone he can confide in or something that will help him through? I know I too wanted to share everything with my husband, as we'd always done, but then had to accept that he had his own coping mechanisms and that helped him, even though it was a little different from me and what I was doing. As much as we are a great team, as it sounds like you also are, my husband and I also need to be our own people at times. You say how wonderful he's been and I'm sure he does know and appreciate that on some level even if it might not feel like it.

Anxiety is such a debilitating part of the recovery from pp. It's good that you've been noticing a reduction in it though and I'm sorry it struck again today. I hope that perhaps you can have a good rest tonight and approach tomorrow with an increased strength. Take good care of yourself and I hope things start to get easier soon. Xx.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

I'm sorry you're having to cope with such a lot right now and it's understandable that your anxiety returned. What was your doctor's advice at the appointment? Sometimes it's hard for partners to understand but your husband must be coping in his own way if he has been such a good support. Hopefully as time goes on there will be less stress for you both. I'm glad you have your mum to lean on too.

Take good care of yourself ........ you are trying so hard.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

I hope you are coping and keeping well.

Take very good care of yourself.

[Polarbear44]

Hi am doing better. Stuck with meds and I seem to be coming out the other side. My husband however seems to be continuously worrying I am going high as don't feel tired as I was. I am enjoying feeling more alive but fed up being told to rest and not allowed to do things in case it triggers. Feel like he's my parent and he doesn't want me around him and refuses to talk. The distance between us is getting worse.

[BronSyd in reply to Polarbear44]

Sorry to hear that your relationship is strained at the moment (although that was 8 days ago so hopefully things have improved)

Husbands are annoying sometimes although they usually mean well. Mine had a panic a few weeks ago about me not sleeping. They're really not too good at sharing their concerns in a constructive manner. They need to trust our judgment. I basically had to pull mine up. I was not even aware that he was stressing about me not sleeping (unrelated to PP just overthinking work things). I said you're being ridiculous you need to trust that I know what is going on in my brain. It's really hard when you want to be happy/enthusiastic or any sort of 'up' emotions but aren't 'allowed' to be in case others think you're manic. Just keep the lines of communication open. Be honest let him know how you are feeling. It's hard on relationships.

I hope things are going better.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Good to hear from you. I'm glad the medication seems to be working for you. I think your husband is just worried for you ......... which shows that he really does care. I don't think we realise how much our partners have been through when we were so ill. He's keeping a lid on his feelings but hopefully the more he can see you are coping, he will not worry as much. If you are having regular reviews with your care team they will be able to reassure you both that you are improving.

Take care.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Just wondering how you have been since your last post? Are you still having to attend hospital appointments with your baby as that can be an added stress for you and your husband? I hope the weekend weather has been good so that you might all enjoy the fresh air together. You have been through a lot with your husband and things will be easier eventually.

Stay strong and take care.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

How are you? I hope the better weather has meant you can go for family walks. Probably with the Easter holiday you can have a break from routine.

Take good care of yourself.

[Polarbear44]

Have had a week away but found the meds knocked me out so have stopped the slow release ones and just taking half. Feel better but things r not great with husband he won't talk to me or anyone and now I feel more productive he tells me to sleep. I feel his mood is going to make me bad. Have physchiatrist today and careworker I feel am getting back on track but he is holding me back as negative about anything I do

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi polarbear, it's really great to hear that you're feeling better, with more energy. It really sounds like your husband is worried about you becoming ill again but not able to express it. How did your meeting with the psychiatrist and care worker go today? I wonder if it would help your husband if he went to those meetings with you, perhaps he could express some of his concerns or at least be reassured by what the professionals say? It's really tough, as I know I've written before, I've really been in a similar place to you with my partner, but it really does get better...at least that was my experience. 

Take care x 

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

I'm pleased you're feeling better after a week away.  I hope the meeting with your care team went well and they have been able to help with your medication.  Did your husband go with you?  If he did, I hope he was reassured by the psychiatrist that you are improving and are not 'high'.

It's not easy for you or your partner at the moment.  If you can try to talk calmly together, eventually you will be a great support to each other and have a lot to look forward to with your children. 

Thinking of you .........

[Polarbear44]

Just to say a massive thank you for all your support. This has been an amazing help in my recovery over a very horrid period. Am still a bit on the high side with the meds but I actually enjoy this although my partner does not. He is constantly going on at me to sleep eat and stole doing too much. I totally understand why as he is worried it will trigger things off again. But I feel in control and the hyper manic stage would have happened by now if it was. To be honest his mood and reaction to me singing and dancing and being happy doing chores is making me ill. I have explained to him numerous times how I feel when I go like this and even had physiologist sessions and couple counselling to manage this stage. But it all seems to have gone out the window and he ignores me and gets cross. Just a look as he walks in the door is enough to make me cross. I feel I've been in a coma for months and now I want to enjoy life and do things. I know when to stop and I have tried everything to make him understand but he says I go on and he deals with it this way and refuses to talk to me, family, friends or mental health team about me or his feelings. Am struggling where I can go from here 

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Good to hear from you.  It's something to be happy about when we have been feeling so low with depression and gradually feel energized again.  I'm sorry your partner's mood seems to be against you even after all the reassurance and counselling you both had.  Just try and be patient ..... he might be feeling the strain of all that you have both been through and need help himself?  My husband was very ill himself with all the strain.  I know some days it can be like treading on eggshells but as one of the mums suggested just keep the line of communication open.

Thinking of you.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Polar bear, good to hear from you again. It's good to hear that you are feeling well too and not so down. but I am sorry that your husband is struggling, and you're finding it is bringing you down. It does sound like he is really worried you will become ill again. Is there a way you can get some support for him? or for him to meet with your care team with you? It is really hard. I also wondered if you have connected at all with bipolar UK online forum too? I was thinking you may get some good support on there also, and there may be more people on there who can offer you support / advice? the link is here. bipolaruk.org/ecommunity

Take care polar bear, we're here whenever you want to chat as always X

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

I was wondering if your week has been any better?  I hope your partner is not so worried so that you can enjoy this time in your recovery.

Take good care; we are here if you need us.

[Polarbear44]

Am a lot better although still not totally me but able to carry out my day with a sMile. My husband still won't talk about it and is so testing having a relationship with no response 

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Polarbear, I'm really glad to hear you're still feeling well but sorry to hear things are still difficult with your husband. I wonder could you ask the team who are supporting you, to support both of you in your relationship in some way? I wonder if you have someone else there 'holding things' you may be able to begin to talk honestly. 

Take care, we're here whenever you need us, as always X 

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Good to hear that you are a lot better although not totally yourself yet.   

I'm sorry communication with your husband is still difficult.  I was just reading the thread to see what else I could say to help.  I realised how far you have come.  A few months ago you wrote that you have been together 20 years and have been through worse.  I know it must be hard but try to be strong and hold on to all the good times you have shared together.  I think when your husband sees how much better you are day by day he will eventually relax and unwind.

Thinking of you ..........

[Polarbear44]

So things got so much better for me and after being sedated I finally had energy to do something. Have been doing bits at a time but only can do things when kids asleep. Partner refused to accept he was doing anything wrong although would not speak look at my action plan and said it was his way of dealing with it. After 9 weeks of literally not speaking as I just did not want negative around me. I stayed in control and even went in a upbeat mood not high and was in contact at all times with mental health team. They have controlled my meds and am off some which am pleased but want to keep in control and I really am. Had to draw a line as husband would not go relate speak to gp or me or friends or family. It's been v hard. So a week passed I slept for a whole weekend as just so tired with kids and keeping mood stable and now am back happy again not tired and trying to do normal things only to have constant negativity and he refused to accept his actions, facial expressions, rolling of eyes lack of any contact to me and every suggestion knocked back I am getting angry what can I do. Some comments have been really hard and I don't see how he thinks he's helping me

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Good to hear that things got better for you.  I'm glad you have kept in touch with the mental health team and that you stayed in control.  I'm sorry things are no better with your husband.  I think he really needs to see his GP as keeping everything bottled up is not good for his health.  My illness took its toll on my husband and he had a breakdown but we did support each other and eventually both recovered.

Take care ..... you're doing really well to cope.

[Polarbear44]

Thank u. I sat with him and ate late but made the effort for him. He says I speak aggressively and moody but I am just unhappy and trying to ask him to help me what he wants me to do as everything I suggest he won't. Started writing down things tonight and mentioned maybe he cud do same and we can reach each other's or whatever. He said wouldn't help. I said I can't go on like this it's horrid for both of us and I distance myself as I don't want to be told off and ignored. My hands and feet have no feeling as neurological condition worserend last few weeks on top of everything. I said he hasn't offered to get any pain relief, ask how I am, a little massage? He says I just moan. Is it my fault I have a neurological disorder and struggle to move about and that I bring it on myself? why would I want to do things to make my bipolar disorder worse as after 8 years have finally learnt all what I need to do to stay in control or I get help as I've done always. So I ask what do u want me to do " reply: nothing it won't change" so I say calmly "I and we can't carry on it's horrid for both and I said when I go out I don't want to come home because of him making negative comments or just ignoring me. He threw the controller at me and said its the same over and over again. I said I think u shud go to ure mums he said whatever and went bed???????!

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear44

Thanks for sharing how difficult things are at home for you.  Sorry to hear about your neurological disorder on top of everything you are coping with.  Does your husband open up to his mum about how he feels?  I think he does care and would rather say nothing than say something which might upset you.  I'm sure the silence is deafening but it might be your husband's way of coping.

Take care.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Polarbear

I'm so so sorry to hear how difficult things are with your husband, and also the physical difficulties with your neurological disorder. It really seems like you've been trying everything to reach him - include suggesting you write things down, which I think is a great idea. It does sound like you really need support together, like you say going to Relate or something like that. Is there anything your mental health team suggests to do? Are they able to support him in any way at all?

I know I've said it before but things were really difficult between me and my partner too, he was very moody and snappy at times, and just communication very difficult. We didn't get outside support, but slowly it improved, but as Lilybeth said he did have a kind of 'breakdown' as well, and ended up getting counselling, because of everything that happened. It is very hard though for you as it sounds like your husband isn't talking or reaching out to anyone?

I think you need to do what feels right for you - well done for advocating for what you need, and what you want from him, that's important he knows that, and it's very hard to do. Are there friends / family, even professionals, who you can ask for advice? what do they suggest and say? 

Take care polarbear, so sorry it's difficult, but it's so great you're well in yourself and you're managing the bipolar, that's fantastic. 

X 

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi polarbear,

Thanks for sharing your update and I'm sorry to hear that things are difficult with your husband. The physical symptoms you describe also sound really hard. I hope that by being able to write here this is helping you a little.

I too like the idea of writing down thoughts. I also find it helps me with getting it all out and trying to focus on other things. I'd also encourage you to ask your mental health team if they have any suggestions as they seem to have been supportive to date. Do you think your husband will talk to his mum or perhaps a friend? When my husband and I were coming out the other end of the pp experience, I found that I had to accept that there were things he couldn't share with me. I think it was partly self preservation, a fairly bloke type thing. It did get better over time and I hope that it does for you too.

In the meantime, please continue to take care of yourself. It sounds as though you've come a long way, I hope things continue to improve. Take care, xx

[Polarbear44]

So I told him last week I am going to contact mental health team and for him to expect a call today. I then rang a couples phscologst who we saw 3 times before my 2nd child to help when this happens. She was extremely concerned and wants to see us tommorow! I am currently in hospital all week having treatment for code and have had to plan cover for 2 kids without any help atall as still refusing to talk. At the wkend he was aggressive for the first time i we really concerned and said please can u listen to my notes of how I feel before we attend session. I read for 10 minutes and also spoke looking into his eyes he said NOthing. It was like I'd read the abc to him. I was in total shock. He said r u going to read that at session in disapproval look. I had to leave it made me feel emotionally exhausted and at wkend did break down but no fully and was fine but have nothing more to give. Let's see what happens! My careeorker has been great a drinks something is really wrong I told him this he said I am the one with the problem. After not even asking who had children He got angry when I my daughter was excited to be going crèche for one hour as friend had her all day and put her boy in too as they r best friends. Everything I do is wrong

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear 44

Thanks for your update. I'm sorry things are still not good trying to communicate with your husband. Will you both be able to see the psychologist tomorrow who helped you before if you are in hospital? I hope your husband will engage in the professional help and find a way to relieve the tension between you.

Take care.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Polarbear

I'm so sorry that your husband is not engaging with you at all, it sounds so upsetting and stressful. Well done though for insisting that you go and see someone, and for keeping trying to talk to him, and for talking with your professionals. Sounds like you're doing everything you can, and I think going to see a couple psychologist is important, even just for your own well being.

I hope you are ok being in hospital? What are you there for, I hope that's not too stressful? well done for sorting out the child care. I think there were a few typo's in your last message, I'm guessing you wrote it on your phone with lovely predictive text

I really hope that the support you get, especially the couples psychologist, helps. Do write whenever you need to. X

[Spaghetti]

Hi PolarBear

Sounds like a very difficult situation, I'm sorry you're having such trouble at home. Were you able to see the couples psychologist today? If so i hope it was a helpful appointment. I think you're doing so well for trying to talk to your husband and arranging the professional help too.

I'll be thinking of you . Hope you turn a corner soon.

Spaghetti x

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi PolarBear,

It's hard isn't it when things are tense with your husband. I hope you had the appointment and it helped a little. You are doing well with just trying, and sometimes that is all you can do - and you certainly aren't doing things "wrong", please don't feel that way.

Take care, xx

[jessieh APP]

Hi PolarBear,

Good to read your update, I'm so pleased that you can come to this forum to talk about how you are feeling.

I know just how difficult it can be when your partner refuses to talk, my partner is one of the 'bottle it up' types and there is no talking to him when he doesn't want to hear. I can understand just how frustrated and upset it could make you feel. That is why coming here has always been so helpful for me, as it means I can get the extra support I need.

It sounds like you are making lots of positive steps with talking to a counselor, writing down how you are feeling. All you can do is try, and things will get better, in time.

Thinking of you. Come back and write when you need to.

Jessie xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

I hope you had a good session with the Psychologist. Have things been a little easier for you? It's good to have your careworker for support. You are doing really well to cope with all the negative vibes.

Stay safe and take care.

[Polarbear44]

Don't really know where to start. I feel completely lost. Things were really hard for me as week in hospital for treatment of cidp went awfu was very poorly and had problems every day, and now face surgery all of which I cudnt even discuss with husband. Was told by neurologist that the stress was causing condition to worsen and have more meds to help symptoms. Things then seemed to improve only to go straight back to being totally messed up again. I had a bday not out planned for last nite for friend who has a dad ill with cancer. My son has had bronchiolitis for over 10 days worsened during day so after emergency dr was told to go to a&e he did not offer any help so went alone for 4 hours only 2 texts and when I arrived home acted liked id been to tesco he hadn't done a single job in the house and only now have finally had a break. Although not even sat down! I look awful and think the hospital staff pushed me thru quick as I explained my current situation. Went to counselling session but it wa after infusion in hospital had gone totally wrong and after 9 attempts to get cannula in to then have it go into tissue instead of vein causing massive swelling and now have no sense of feeling in entire arm I was not able to get anything I really felt across. Just all wrong and feel we r different levels.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Sounds as though you have had a very stressful time with one thing and another, especially with a week in hospital. Excuse my ignorance but is cipd a weakness in your arms and legs? It must be worrying for you considering surgery and not being able to discuss with your husband. I hope by now you have had medical advice about the swelling in your arm?

Did your husband cope with the children and home when you were in hospital? Do you think he's depressed, not having any interest, even when your son had to go to hospital? It must be a great strain if he doesn't want to talk.

It's a lot for you to be coping with but you have been very strong to deal with everything thrown at you. Can you arrange another counselling session? Hopefully the counsellor would have realised that you weren't feeling well after all that happened in hospital?

I hope you will have some time to yourself. Can your friend help you out as she did before, if not to look after your children but just to talk?

Take good care .... we are always here to listen.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

hi Polarbear,

what a stressful time you have been having. I hope it has been helpful to get it all down here, we are here to listen. I guess having some downtime will be key if you can, so that your other condition you mention isn't worsened and the treatment can be as effective as possible.

I hope your friend could help out as Lilybeth mentioned. And that your husband's behaviour doesn't get you down too much. At times, I think we do have to put ourselves and our children first. I hope you get some time over the weekend to relax, take care and remember we are here to chat, and listen, if you need to offload. You are not alone, you can get through this. Take care, xx

[Polarbear44]

Have now nothing left to give. Everything I suggest or try and talk to I literally have tried everything. I now feel it's going to make me Ill as I can't do anything to fix it. I discussed calmly how he maybe cud be low not depressed as wud never ever admit that. He said would it make me happy and feel I have achieved something for the day knowing he has depression. Even the health visitor who has known us both for 2 years belives he cud be clinically depressed. I keep trying as do love him but now feel am not in love with him as he is showing no support no love and looks thru me. He is acting so out of character although continuing his everyday as if nothing is wrong. Now I feel family friends are just concerned I am ill as acting out of sorts. But if I don't continue to be over happy and get on with my routine enjoying spending time with kids and not struggling everyday as I was and actually look forward to everyday I will fall and big time. I can't believe my mood is still upbeat but the sertraline is defiantly lifting my mood and feel without it it cud be a disaster. Things have gone from totally ignoring me and silence treatment for 16 weeks as he didn't like the high I get after low to now abuse. Not physical but mental. I feel am going crazy. My care worker has told him twice she is not concerned for my mental state and can't believe how strong and positive I am with all I am going thru. She suggested relate to him. I contacted them anyway just to find out what was involved made a provisional booking for the following day and asked how it all works so I cud talk to husband. He said he wasn't interested and could deal with it ourselves as long as we have family days out! Great but I can't let go of the nasty comments and hurtful and I sportive treatment over the last few months. He said he didn't know he'd ignored me and has tried everything he can. Although as we discussed although now argued about he said at weekend he admits he had done absolutely nothing to try and help the situation. I feel trapped being made to go crazy and even found on Internet he searched "motability what happens when person dies" I was totally shocked. I am no way in any suiciidle way and why does he want to know what happens if I am not here anymore and what wud he lose or gain? I took a photo as felt I wasn't seeing things clearly and when I went back and looked at iPad together to try and do a job together it had been deleted. I showed him pictures of our children for the day and as he scrolled thru told him to see next photo. He denied it then took half an hour to come up with excite that he'd not typed full sentence what he wanted to find out about if u lost benefit? Friends have been extremely concerned by this and so am I. On Sunday he told me to leave as it wud be better for everyone. I said nothing and waked dog bit 10 minutes later went back and say with him for dinner. Casually talking and acting as he does ignoring. He then said r u going out all you do is go on about the same thing and again we wud be better off without you. Last nite he went to bed and when I went back downstairs to get baby's bottle the front door was wide open and shouted for humans he was out of it as tired and had drunk he said it was my fault and refused to come downstairs to check All was safe and nobody was in The house. Also on Friday my son was poorly and oxygen level too low so was offered to go causality if concerned after meds not working. He didn't even offer to come with me even though mum had come down to help. When I arrived home 6 hours later he acted as if id been to tesco and didn't even ask what they'd done or suggest to monitor and almost seems angry at me. I then spent till 2.30am clearing up as he had done nothing at all. The phuscholgist asked if he was trying to make me I'll but he says its all me winding him up going on and on. Please amy help as feel am being made to go crazy but am actually still in control of mood but now feel body is suffering and weight is dropping tremendously and not sleeping till late as up worrying where is this going and although we at supposed to be working thru this it's going to happens Again and again. I have nothing more to give

[Polarbear44]

Also in the last month he has shown a very very angry side of which the children saw two. My little girl was extremely upset and came to me saying daddy was naughty only to be blamed for putting words in my head. People have said I shud leave but don't want the kids to be effected more. I asked him to go and he refused. Have told him My brother is having daughter tommorow and I am taking both the kids Sunday. He can then have a break but instead he says I need his permission

[Spaghetti]

Oh PolarBear what a situation! Sounds awful for you. Well done for somehow managing to find the strength to carry on with your normal family routine despite all.

Why do things like this have to happen in addition to the difficult illness we have all faced?

Very difficult that your husband doesn't want to seek help together or for himself. I wondered if you could have a quiet word with one of his friends or a relative who he is close to, say you're worried that he could be depressed and anxious. Watching our mental health struggles is definitely a big strain for partners and I know some people get PTSD or difficulties of their own.

And for yourself, how is your own support network? Are you managing to have conversations with professionals and friends about what's going home? Just to offload and get some empathy. Where are you taking the kids to tomorrow? Will it be a nice break for you?

Thinking of you lots.

Spaghett x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

It's such a worry for you but you are being so strong for your family. I think your husband is in denial about being depressed. He really needs to talk to someone or just have a good cry .... which men are not good at doing! All his tension is being released on you, which is very unfair, although he did admit that he has done nothing to help you.

Do you think your mom could have a word with him, or your brother? It doesn't sound like he wants any outside support, such as Relate. To be honest, you sound stronger than him although I know his moods are affecting you. Is there any way your GP can visit, on the pretense of checking on you and he might be able to assess your husband?

I think I mentioned before that my husband had a breakdown because he couldn't talk openly about my illness and how it affected him. I felt so guilty ..... the tables were turned and I was visiting him in hospital! Of course it wasn't my fault and your husband's behaviour is not yours. I think he's depressed as his mood seems to turn from angry to saying things will be ok as long as you have days out together?

I know it's hard when he's saying hurtful things but sometimes that's part of depression isn't it? I've read from my notes during my depression that I was angry and argumentative, which is not 'me' at all. I'm not making excuses for your husband as your weight loss is a worry due to his actions but he needs help. I know trying to make him see that is like banging your head against a brick wall as you have tried so hard to help him. It's not easy but try and hold on .. perhaps more days out together as a family will go some way to helping you both, as your husband seems to think that's all he needs?'

I hope you can talk to your husband today without your daughter being at home. Hopefully you won't have to take the kids tomorrow if you plan a family day out tomorrow? I was like you, not knowing where to turn. It took a while but we picked ourselves up ....our sons were a joy and as a couple we were eventually very happy and stronger together.

Take good care ..... we are here for you.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi Polarbear, I hope you are doing OK, how are things with your husband? I hope you managed to spend some time with your children and they are feeling safe and secure with you at this difficult time. It sounds as though things are having an effect on you and I hope you are finding your way through. Take care, we are all thinking of you, xx

[Polarbear44]

It improved for maybe a weekend after I finally slept for whole day and night due to exhaustion. My mood is absolutely fine and not low or high but feel if the sertraline wasn't giving me the lift I wud be in big trouble. It seems I can cope without sleep and function and have amazing days with my children doing normal things and have even had a day without children and not have appointments or any ties. It felt like for the first time in 2 1/2 years I cud relax and not have to rush back. I felt so happy. Have thought what I wud like to achieve and no my limits. My husband has slipped back. The horrid negative horrendous atmosphere disappeared in a day only to go back to separate lives he looks different. He IS depressed and is almost to the point of breakdown when I try and speak with him when he goes to bed drunk every nite! He is still amazing with children and does nights and early mornings but he is not happy. I stopped asking him anything about the past months it started before xmas! But I can't let it go I want to help him but he will not talk admit anything acknowledge even the thought he may be struggling and continually puts on me. I feel I am acting different because am to the point of nothing I can do atall. I cud have literally broken last week as felt body is shutting down physically. I can't do anything right and I can't remember the last time he smiled and I don't think laughter I have done is happy it's how the hell have I got thru this and I truly feel I am in total control of mood and feel people around me r concerned because they can see things are not right as I tell them but always think oh dear amy is over reacting with her illness and yes maybe I do over analysis things but I manage it. He is ill and no one will ever get him to admit it I am at a loss. I love him but it is a different man I am with every day so sad

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

It's good that you can tell people around you how things are so that you release all the tension. It's a shame you had a good day with your husband but he's gone back to not communicating. It sounds as though he is trying to control his feelings of depression with alcohol. Such a shame when he is so good with your children and helping you with them.

Is it not possible for your doctor to visit him at home? Or would you mum be able to help him? He probably won't want the attention but as you say, he does need help. You have done really well to stay strong although it's not easy. Perhaps you can all go out as a family this weekend, as in a previous post he did say you could deal with it yourselves as long as you had family days out?

Thinking of you ........

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Polarbear,

I'm so sorry to hear your husband isn't well. It definitely seems like he is struggling himself now. It's good to hear that you continue to be ok. To take care of yourself too, like trying to ensure you sleep well etc. I know that lack of sleep can really affect my mood and energy massively. And it sounds like you've had some struggles too, with exhaustion etc....

I wondered if you could have some time as a family together this weekend? It's good to hear your husband is still being good with the children.

Sorry, I wish I had some amazing advice to give you that would solve everything, but my experience was that things just improved gradually and slowly as the trauma of what we went through faded....

Take care X

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

How have you been since your last post? I hope you are managing to cope with your husband's illness which must be a strain for you.

Take care ......

[Polarbear44]

Saw mental health worker and she was very concerned about my physical health and wellbeing as exhausted and cannot sleep worrying what to do. Never felt so alone. All friends and family look At me thinking I am ill and they don't see what's happening. She asked if she can contact my gp. Anything to help. After I explained my neurological disorder had worsened and having constant problems with no feeling in hands and feet and infections. I also explained how things r. She agreed he cud be depressed and also thru in that it is emotional domestic abuse and did I need a refuge for our safety!!! Totally shocked. After going thru websites and being stunned for two days and had no one to talk to atall as unable to come to terms with the thought. I finally told my partner what gp said. Yes he agreed he had done some of those signs of abuse but all 99.9% of couples do too! End of conversation. His mum never discussed my worries and when I explained that as she hadn't spoken my husband said that if she wasn't concerned There wasn't a problem with him and put it all back on me. I finally got thru to our very close friends and after they spoke with him this week as I went on holiday with mum and kids for week. He finally spoke how he is worried I will be ill that things aren't great and he is unhappy. If only he wud talk to me But when asked if it helped he shouted that I want to know everything he says to everyone. I don't know how this is going to sort out. My brother wants to step in if he won't help the situation and understand how this is making me feel physically and eventually will effect my mental state am still so so strong. I feel maybe I am holding on to something he isn't really bothered About and after 22 years together it's finally popped. A friend said he is holding a grudge as I was ill and crashed after being well for so long. It makes sense as he always says I moan about my cidp and moan about bipolar and almost blames me for having them. I know what triggers things and have it all under control after years of coping. He hates I am back On meds but am loving sertraline and just want a life back and feel he is holding me back and I feel trapped

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi polarbear,

I am sorry to hear that things are difficult with your husband still. Well done for reaching out and asking for help, even if he still seems to be in denial somewhat. I think it is important that you try and continue to prioritise your health, keep taking the meds you have been prescribed and ask for any reviews if you think that will help at all. Is the medication also helping with sleep? I'm afraid I don't have experience of sertraline to share.

I also wondered if there is any other support you can access in connection with your neurological condition, similar to talking about the pp side of things here? Maybe you will know of any online groups or something local to you might be there that you can access, perhaps it might be worth asking your GP.

It's really hard if you are feeling emotionally trapped and that your husband is somehow holding a grudge. I would encourage you to keep talking, either here or other places with a sympathetic ear. From my own experience of pp and recovery, I can say that things do improve over time, but having additional things to overcome can be really disheartening, I know.

We are all here for you, keep strong, you can get through this and make the right decisions for you and your family. I hope you are able to get some sleep and rest soon. Take care, xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello polarbear

Good to hear from you .... I'm sorry you are not having an easy time with one thing and another. It is very important that you look after your own health even though your husband is not well. Has your GP referred you for further support about the neurological disorder? It must be very worrying if you haven't any feeling in your hands or feet.

I think your mother-in-law should step in to help. After all if he says his mother isn't concerned, he thinks there's not a problem with him ..... but perhaps she needs you to tell her honestly how he is. I'm sure she would be as shocked as you were to think your mental health worker suggested his behaviour is akin to emotional domestic abuse.

I think you are doing really well to hold your family together but if it's taking its toll on your health you need to be careful. It's good he was able to open up to your close friends .... do you think they could tell him how hurtful he is being to you, that it's not your fault you're ill?

I'm glad you had a week's break with your mum and children. I think you are doing really well to cope with your illnesses. Your husband must realise that if you had a choice you would rather be pain and medication free. The medication is keeping you stable so you need to keep taking it.

Perhaps your brother can stress to your husband that he is making your condition worse by all his negative comments? As you say he doesn't like you to tell everyone but I think if his mother knew how much you are struggling she would also have a word with him. You can't cope with all that's going on .... you need to make your family understand so that they can help you.

Take really good care of yourself ..... can you also talk to your GP about not sleeping? I hope your mum, mother-in-law and brother can surround you with the support you need. You're not alone ..... keep talking here if it helps.

[Polarbear44]

Anniversary meal been together 22 years married for 2. Went awful. Argued whole time. Careworker meeting Friday as I feel am at a point can't do anymore. Had a massive crash although pulled myself out of it within an hour and just felt anger although a big cry and hyperventilating! Actually helped as think I am being too strong. Found out an email has been sent after a gp visit about another health issue. I explained what was happening at home with partner and how I was worried he is depressed or something is clearly wrong. She totally threw me as believes I am being domestically emotionally abused and can take action. She said if I felt unsafe for me or children I cud go to refuge and police intervention. What? This is not what I expected. After going on website as she suggested I contacted the helpline immediately. Well I was shocked as all is happening but cant quite believe it. He agreed but said 99.9% or couples do? He says he has come to the end and doesn't care anymore and end it all but won't leave And wants us to live together as we r now there is no way I can share a bed a life with someone who shows me no love and critisozes everything I say or do. Then agreed to go to his mums until we make a proper plan. He walked off paid the bill then came back a different person and asked if we were going home

To bed and have a tea. He then said no I am not ending it it is totally messing up my head yet if I say anything he says I go on. Have actually recoded for evidence as instructed although it's more for me as I feel am being made to feel am crazy and I am not. His parents are now aware as mum is so concerned and upset. I still love him but can't stay with someone just for the kids. The letter from dr to mental health team has scared me and I showed him. He joked and said what u going to send me to prison. It's not what I want but I just feel there is only so long I can remain. Strong

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

I'm sorry your anniversary was so upsetting for you. It's good that you are meeting your careworker tomorrow as it sounds as though you need lots of support. It is difficult but try to have as much rest as you can to build up your strength.

I hope that your husband's parents will be able to support you now that they are more aware of the situation.

Take good care of yourself.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi polarbear

I'm so sorry that things continue to be difficult between you and your husband. It sounds really hard. Do take care of yourself and take all the support and advice from professionals and friends and family supporting you. ..and follow your gut feeling I think as to what to do... I hope you can rest as well, you have so much going on physically as well as emotionally . ..

Take care keep writing whenever you need to x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear44

Just wondering how the visit with your careworker went on Friday? I hope you feel supported and that things will be more hopeful in time.

Take good care of yourself.

[Polarbear44]

So after offering to get parents involved for meeting he canx on the day and said we can resolve things. It's been better and I also canx the children's centre assessment as worries things were heading into wrong direction. I just wanted help not worry.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear44

Good to hear from you. I'm really glad you both weighed things up and its been better. You have done really well to be so patient and strong. I hope things continue to improve and you sort things out with your husband to go forward together.

Take care ...... thinking of you.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Polarbear

It's good to hear from you. I am glad things have been a bit better. It sounds like you've been amazing in insisting that you talk / resolve things. Have you some plans together with your husband of how to improve things (e.g. going to therapy etc - whatever you need)? From personal experience I've found that it's good to commit together to doing something different in order for things to change. It's very hard though. And as I said, I think we really needed couple therapy and we never had it.

Relationships are really hard. Me and my partner have just had an awful morning after our toilet broke (!) and all our 'issues' with each other coming out in the process - each of us wanting more from the other than the other is giving at the moment etc! It's really tough. It seems that relationships are hard anyway, from talking to a lot of female friends, and you just have to keep working at it!

Take care, write whenever you need to on here.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Just wondering how you week has been? I hope things have been better for you.

Take care ..... thinking of you.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

I hope things are a lot easier and you are enjoying the Summer holiday.

Thinking of you ....... take care.

[Polarbear44]

To be honest I don't know where to start. It's gone from bad to worse to crazy to not even feeling real. In a nutshell I know deep down what I need to do but things r stopping me. I want to remain strong and I am. But I have been pushed to every limit possible and now feel I am not confident to share any thoughts without judgement or being told what to do. It's almost like I am living every scenario possible to make me fall yet still I am the strongest mentally ever. I think as I am so aware it's actually making me realise what is wrong. What a mess. I haven't explained anything and don't know where to start. Let's just say I want to go to my neighbours funeral on Wednesday and do not want to attend couples counselling on same day as what is planned without me! Oh help is defiantly needed. And crisis team after 45 minutes confirmed I am totally mentally well and really feel for my situation

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear44

Good to hear from you. I'm sorry you are struggling at the moment although you remain mentally well. Perhaps the couples counselling can be rearranged as it would be difficult to focus on the same day as a funeral?

I'm glad the crisis team are there for you and understand. Take good care of yourself, keep strong and stay safe.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi Polarbear, thanks for coming back and updating. Im sorry to hear that there is a clash on Wednesday and it is making you feel not confident about sharing your thoughts without judgement and that things are seeming challenging for you.

There are positives here though and you are recognising that you are feeling strong, and the crisis team are helping too. As Lilybeth says, perhaps the counselling could be rearranged? I really feel for you, it can seem all too much when things come at once and others come up that are seeming to make you want to fail - yet you are not, you are doing well. I hope you continue to have the confidence in your own decisions and feel supported by those around you. Take care, xx

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Polarbear

Sorry you're struggling, but I'm glad to hear you've stayed well. I do hope you have other support - are you getting any advice, are people close to you or professionals suggesting any ways you can improve the situation you're in? I would really try and listen to them, to try and change things.

I too was wondering if you could rearrange the counselling too. It really sounds like it's needed desperately.

I am sorry to hear about your neighbour. I hope that the funeral goes ok.

Take care, I hope you can use all the support you have X

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Just wondering how you are and if you have had a better week? Did you manage to rearrange the couples' counselling? I hope you remain strong. Is it possible your mother or brother can help you if you are still struggling to cope?

Take good care ..... thinking of you.

[Polarbear44 in reply to Lilybeth]

To be hones after the counselling session I felt I finally got my point over how things are. The counsellor actually thinks separate sessions are appropriate as his only comment was that he feels my husband has a lot of anger which is going back before we even had problems or that I had bipolar but his past. All agreed then after a kiss. The first time in about a year the next day thinks whTs the point of marriage counselling if not done together. Think he's scared what they will discover. There is something wrong and he isn't the man I know atall. It's horrid everyday. He blamed me that they said he had anger as it was because I said all negative things. But I just said what is going on since December. Constantly criticised and never felt so alone. Brother been unhelpful as now has important new job and doesn't have the time. He is very selfish so not unexpected and mum off on holiday and currently struggling with issues herself. I've never felt so strong in my mind but I have it 10/10 that I wanted this to work for past 6 months and everyday it's going down. I can't do it anymore. He says he is 10/10 but am yet to see any reaction. Atall. Even contacted various people to see what next steps could be

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear44

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I'm sorry your husband is not totally on board with what has been suggested by your counsellor. Perhaps your counsellor wants to see you separately for the first few sessions and then when he / she has a clearer picture of your individual needs, you will be seen together for ongoing work?

It's very difficult for you to feel constantly criticised and so alone. On your husband's side I can see that perhaps he has buried things which happened in his childhood and he doesn't want to revisit that time in his life. I can relate to that ...... sometimes things are buried and too painful to recall.

I know you have been so patient and very understanding. You are making progress .... at least your husband agreed to the plan at first. He just needs to know that this is an opportunity for him to release all the tension he has probably built up over years, that you are with him every step of the way and you will stand by him. He might feel that you will judge him. Please hold on to the strength you have had through everything you have both been through. This might be the last hurdle for you both.

I hope your husband can be persuaded to open up about his past but it won't be easy for him either.

Stay positive and take care.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

I hope you have been ok since you last posted.

Thinking of you ...... take care.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Thinking of you and hope you are ok.

Take care.

[Polarbear44]

Ureghh back on this roller coaster. Is this really life? So unhappy yet can't escape it. Waiting for a sign is my last hope

[Ellie_at_APP Partner in reply to Polarbear44]

Hi Polarbear,

I'm really sorry too to hear you're struggling. It sounds like things are bad again at the moment? I wondered too how things were with your husband, if you have managed to have any counselling? And if you have support that is helpful? - professional and personal (friends / family)?

Do write if it's helpful, we're here for you.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear,

Good to hear from you though I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment. Feeling unhappy is awful. Can I ask if it's because of how things are at home when you last posted? Did your husband go for separate counselling or was that put on hold? I'm sorry it didn't sound as if you had much support with your brother having a new job and your mum with her own issues.

I can't imagine how much you are having to cope with. Can you talk about how you feel with your G.P? Or is there a friend you can talk to so that you can offload some of the stress you must be under? We are always here to listen if that helps.

Thinking of you ...... take care.

[Polarbear44]

Thank u its ovely to have you still here to chat with. In 13th week of couple counselling. Have good and bad weeks. Many times have been left thinking our marriage is over to then be back on track. I still believe he is unhappy and the counsellor tries to dig into his past and almost every week asks the same yet getting nothing back.

He has started instigating sex for the first time In a year and cooking meals which he used to daily and loved. After cancer scares for womb, 6 biopsies taken just before xmas and pending if hysterectomy still needed to prevent. X-ray on chest with dark shadow, new disorders secondary reynards and Tested for leukaemia and lupus. Tenant in our rental property still owes £6000 and now signed with health visitor to instigate taf meeting urgently and das? Daf This is following my mental health worker realising she is in the shit as totally unsupported me from august-October even with gp and Hv trying to get me help as husband emotionally domestically abusing me. She kindly sent referral to mash and social services rang after I met crisis team. Which she set up to prevent any action being taken as was mentally well and have 3 professionals confirmi this. They agreed I am coping and felt no action to be taken.

The way this was dealt with by mental hw was Incorrect and have proof and I will be making formal complaint as it almost pushed me over the edge. Not seen her since she did referral and buggered off on xmas leave,canx appt 5th January and not heard from since?

Then family and Friends disowning us or being unsported and although I am not low in my bipolar mood although have had a few wobbles but nothing longer than hour and not developing into anything of any worry. I can't really believe my daily life and how I have remained this strong. That's the only positive from last year. Last night I felt closeness was needed and asked for sex I felt it was just sex. Nothing more and even that wasn't great really. I said how I felt as we arr trying to communicate suggested we love each other but not in love? I am still being blamed for everything and I actually prefer it when he's not here. Only reason am still is the kids but this is no way of life it's horrible everyday and we both agree. Feel the meeting with Hv, mental health worker, gp and children centre will be a decision maker. When our counsellor told my husband social services could interven and split the family he just shrugs and says you don't know what they are ganna ask so why worry. His attitude is enough to have those kids taken from him and placed with me but I don't want. Anger still an issue and has been around children which I will not deny if asked. He still isn't getting it and don't think he ever will. This is from a close friend recently. I have new friends whom I have realised r those who I need to surround myself with although I do have more help but they come when it's too late as everyone has their own lives. I feel his attitude has reflected on me and have lost interest in trying and am unhappy

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi Polarbear,

Sorry to hear that things are tough and you are feeling unhappy. It sounds as though you are well in yourself and that is positive, perhaps try and focus on that, perhaps other things will start to fall into place? I am a strong believer in things taking their course too, the meeting you mention does sound like it will be significant for you. I hope that you are getting good support from your friends and GP, as you are not feeling supported by some family members and the MH worker too. Keep posting here if it is helpful to "talk". Take care, xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Thanks for your update. I'm really sorry that you have been through so much since you posted a while ago but we're privileged that you have shared it with us. It must be very stressful waiting for results and consequences.

I hope the meeting with the multi-disciplinary team will make you more relaxed and supported about a way forward for you and your family. It's not going to be easy but try to stay positive and surround yourself with support.

We are all here for you.

[Polarbear44]

Thank you but it's sad that the only way people will listen are total strangers like you both. I just want the truth and people to actually realise my situation rather than just judge and leave us to deal with it as don't want to interfere. I feel something isn't right and am doubting now a lot. I don't trust him and am thinking horrid thoughts which would never have dreamed he cud ever do. Don't know how to show or prove it unless hidden camera. This is truly awful. I feel uneasy everywhere I go and feel I have forgotten how to be normal and speaking comes so easy and am really social but not sure if talking is ok at times as he never speaks to me or asks me anything. Why am I still here?

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Polarbear

Thanks for sharing with us. Phew you are going through so much - not least having to deal with all your health concerns... that must be hugely stressful in itself. I had to go to the hospital recently to get a mole checked out and I found that stressful enough! I think it's amazing that you are managing to hold it together through all that, without having the support from your husband either. You should be really proud of what you are managing with.

It sounds so difficult with your husband too. You don't have to answer at all, but what kind of things do you think he is doing? Do the professionals supporting you think you should leave him? I hope that somehow the couples therapy resolves it in some way, for the good.

Do write here whenever you need to .

Take care X

[Polarbear44]

He has left today and taken the children for the week as I am in hospital. Relief at moment

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to Polarbear44]

Hello Polarbear

I've just posted and noticed your latest reply. I did suggest a break but I'm sorry to hear you're in hospital. Take time to build up your strength and rest as much as you can.

Thinking of you ...... take care.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Good to hear from you. Has a date been arranged for you to meet with the care team you mentioned? It's very difficult for you as a couple as you have both been through so much together. Men are not too good at sharing their past history with strangers and I think the counsellor probing for a reaction from your partner might be a step too far for him to cope with. Sometimes bad memories in our childhood are buried so deep so that we can cope with the here and now.

Our minds seem to go through so much during and after PP and with the added health issues and stress you have I think you need to think very carefully to weigh everything up. Waiting for results is a worry in itself so with all these things on your mind I wouldn't make any hasty decisions.

At times it can be an uphill struggle. During my recovery from my second PP I was depressed for near enough 12 months so I must have been very difficult at home. You said in an earlier post you would not want Social Services to make the choice of giving you full responsibility for your children ..... and I think that's why you're still there .... for your family.

Could you possibly have a break with your mum? Or could your husband have time at his mum's? I think if you thought your husband wasn't coming home you would really miss him as would your children. A short break might make you realise this, although I appreciate home life is difficult for you just now. Did you manage to have any family days out which your husband thought would be a good way of coping?

I was looking through your earlier posts where you mentioned you have been together for 20 years and have been through worse. There are decisions to be made but take your time to weigh up your options and don't be rushed by the care team.

We are here all here if you need us ........ take care.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Just thinking of you and hope you are ok. Are you home from hospital yet? Wherever you are take care.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi Polarbear, thinking of you and hoping that the last week has been a little easier for you. Take care, xx

[Polarbear44]

So he came back Sunday before I went to hospital and we agreed to be amicable for week to help me. Every night every morning was torture same shit and not an ounce of support. Just blame. Telling me to rest same as usual. After being in bed allday for 5 days in the evenings to be productive as hate the fact it drains me for hours after well Friday till Sunday I was done in and stayed in bed all weekend I hate I cudnt be with the kids and yes he looked after them but gave me a hard time although he constantly tells me to rest. I fee whatever I do is wrong whatever I say he blames me somehow or turns it back on me. I am doubting myself and if I ever go out feel I must get back or will have to cope with snide remarks. Not sure how but he is back living here and literally wakes every morning as it's normal yet previous evenings. Totally ignoring me, unwilling to help me complete tasks even when asked together. Yet just as I get to an end of fuse and say it's over he will come back and do amnice gesture. It's never going to end. I was told tonight by a very close friend who needed my help. That I was so self involved in my situation and after all they have done for me I cudnt help her as felt am at breakdown point. Yes she undetands as has bp yet she made me realise yes u will loose friends over this as I know I have. Either because they don't want to choose sides, just blame my illness, know I've been distant so think let her deal with it. I feel very alone. The hospital staff cudnt believe I still was going thru this and said I must take action. I rang Hv who is now off sick for a week and said I shud chase myself yet she is a vital person we need involved, feel marriage guidance is up and down just like my life. I am unhappy from the moment I wake and not enjoying ANYTHING. WORST THING IS I can't believe I let it come to this. I am such a strong person yet feel I am under control and if I walk now am not At my best and feel he will use anything to get me to fail. Why does he say he loves me yet still hasn't done or said a single thing to solve anything. Also taking tenants to court and had to call ambulance as daughter cudnt breathe Friday after hospital. We even argued as he just rang 111 and bumbled along whilst our daughter struggled for breath. She is all fine and 2 hours with 3 paramedics was just what I needed after hospital for a week. My car decided to refuse to move after family with breaks and I literally nearly broke down trying to sort whilst both kids screamed. I am honestly at a point where I don't know who I am or what i shud be and am hurting someone along the way. But no one is seeing that I am hurting the most

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

It sounds as though you are trying to cope with very stressful events, taking tenants to Court, then your daughter struggling to breathe and your own illness can't be easy. I hope the Health Visitor will be able to help you when she returns. In the meantime is your mum able to help with giving you a break, even for a few hours?

Take care.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi polarbear I'm so sorry you're struggling so much and with so much stressful events, that things are so difficult with your husband, and that you feel so alone. I really hope you can get the help you need to make decisions and to cope with everything. Do keep writing whenever you need to. Thinking of you xx

[Polarbear44]

Just told Childrens centre supporter how I feel. Suspect a mash referrel will follow as she can see I am at the end of my tether

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Hopefully now you have confided in the centre supporter about how you are trying to cope with so much, there will be help for you.

Take care

[Polarbear44 in reply to Lilybeth]

Well for the first time my mum and sister and brother in law told me to leave him. I explained to him tonight one final attempt. Am exhausparated breath of all I have left and (yes I was angry as have had enough) but I told him they will be taking action and I won't have any control does he not have any concerns and want to say or show or do anything for me or his kids. Nothing just blame Am done even thinking about this now. I feel 100% well in myself just saddened

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

I think you must be guided by how you feel yourself. I know your sister and brother in law mean well in supporting you but you need to consider your decision for yourself and your children about telling your husband to leave. How will you cope without him? It must be very sad for you after all this time of trying so hard and also sad for your children to have less contact with him if he does leave.

Take care.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi Polarbear,

Thinking of you, hoping that you get the support you need and can also rest up and enjoy some time with your children. Things sound so hard for you at the moment, I hope that you can begin to move forward and make any difficult decisions you may need to with the support of family and professionals. Take care, xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

I hope you are ok and have support around you. Thinking of you.

Take care.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear

Just wondering how you are as you haven't posted for a while? I hope things are better for you and you are ok.

Take care.

[Polarbear44]

Sadly still horrid life and I truly don't have any focus or energy or enthusiasm or motivation. It's just wanting the day to end but Groundhog Day everyday for nearly 2 years. Now I am blamed for it all as I've made mistakes I admit as I had enough and got lost. To be honest if it wasn't for where I ended I don't think I'd be here but all seems forgotten why I've ended up broken and it's still continuing

I seem to be disconnected to groups. I guess as not used but I regularly look at posts and printed all my blogs for him to read. Funnily enough he's not interested and 2 years he still hasn't even looked at our action plan to help care for me when high or low and triggers and what he can do or don't. It's his way and he won't change. Anger is back. But also financially in ruins my fault again. I have nobody to talk with for all my issues as I think they wud be so concerned and wonder how I continue. It's like all is unreal yet I know I am just living in my own hell with nothing good ever. Can't even focus attention to kids at times as feel distant and dettactvhed from all around me. If I disappeared I don't think anyone would notice for days. I don't feel suicidal or low in my bipolar I am so in control of it. It hurts more as I can see and feel what's happening to me. and can't fix the fact I am just really unhappy

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear44

It's so good to hear from you although I'm very sorry that you are really unhappy.

Do you have any support from your mum and sister? I notice that you don't feel suicidal but do you think it would be a good idea to see your G.P about your low mood? Perhaps a short stay in hospital might help? I'm not bipolar but remember at the time of recovering from PP I went into hospital as an outpatient in times of crisis.

It must be so tiring to feel so unhappy and I hope you can focus on getting help for yourself. Stay safe and take care.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi Polarbear, I'm sorry to hear things are tough for you at the moment. I'd really encourage you to speak to somebody you trust about how you are feeling. As Lilybeth says, perhaps your mum or sister, or a trusted friend? If you are still under a MH team, you could perhaps ask for any additional support or talk to your GP.

Recovery can be such a difficult time and when there are other things making you unhappy, such as your husband's behaviour which you describe as hurtful to you, it is so hard and tiring, as you say. Please try to remember that none of this is your fault, you can get better with the right support and some time. I know it's easy for me to say, but you really can.

Take care and we are all thinking of you and wishing you well, xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear44

How have you been feeling since you last posted? I hope you are ok.

Take care .... we are all here for you.

[Polarbear44]

Pretty rubbish. Don’t suppose u have advise on dla to pip am having nitemare and need letter done todayI have all evidence but I’ve given up. Tax return staring at me and I just don’t want to bother. Not enjoying life and feel the world i live in isn’t real. Mentally I am good but anxiety bad and feel am in a film and somone ganna jump out and say joke.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Polarbear44

I'm sorry I haven't any advice to offer on dla to pip. Perhaps the Rethink Mental Health site might be a source of help at rethink.org as there is a page with details. I'm sure other mums here will be able to offer their advice.

It's a shame you're struggling but that mentally you are good. I wonder if your GP could refer you for counselling to help with your anxiety although it must be very hard for you at times?

Take good care of yourself.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Polarbear44

I'm so sorry you are struggling, particularly with anxiety. I can imagine as well trying to sort out benefits is hugely stressful too.

I did want to let you know that Mind does have a page and information about benefits that may be helpful? They also have an info line you can phone if you need any advice. The web page is here: mind.org.uk/information-sup...

And here's the information about their helplines: mind.org.uk/information-sup...

Take care, I hope that you can get the support you need.

Ellie