My thoughts on having another child

[Jenny_at_APP]

I've been trying to decide whether I want to try for another child for a long time. I'm still undecided and know it's such a hard and personal decision to make, and I'll get there. As I'm sure we've all experienced, I get asked a lot whether we're trying for/planning number 2. Here's my attempt at summing up my thoughts on it all

Time for another

It must be time for another,

You can't have just one son.

He'll have no one to play with, be all alone,

And that would be no fun.

It must be time for another,

Sticking at one's not fair.

He'll be spoilt and selfish, demanding and rude

And won't know how to share.

It must be time for another,

Do you not love being a mother?

You should think about him and not about you,

He'd adore a sister or brother.

It must be time for another,

How old is he, nearly three?

Time's ticking on, your chance will be gone,

You'll really regret it, you'll see.

But another might drive me to madness,

Another could tear us apart.

We are three now not two, what would happen to you

If my mind broke? The thought breaks my heart.

This time you'd know, you'd be ready,

This time you'd plan, we'd be here.

But the horror of it all, the spiralling fall,

The hell of it, you've no idea.

Yet the thought of another is tempting,

That it might all be well, all be fine.

It could heal what has passed, lay the ghosts down at last,

The decision to try is all mine.

I'll get there, but the choice isn't simple,

The answer not easy to find.

I just hope if we do decide to have two

It doesn't mean losing my mind.

J xx

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Great poem! sums up my thoughts on the whole thing too... I think we have decided... for the moment!...not to because all I am is afraid of being ill again and the worse feeling as you write about so well, is the effect on my son particularly, and my partner, if it did happen again. I couldn't bear it. I just don't feel I've got the emotional space in my life to really decide properly though either...and time is most definitely running out for me age wise.

Good luck with your decision, thinking of you...

[Jenny_at_APP Partner in reply to Ellie_at_APP]

Thank you sunnyandwild.

I completely understand your decision and not being able to bear the risk of going back there again.

We're a very happy three and I know if we decide to leave it there then that decision will be right for us.

Take care xx

[rose89]

Beautiful. Made me cry! I'm 36 weeks with my second (a boy this time) and completely identify with the struggle. Thankfully all seems to be going well so far and I've had lots of great support.

All the best with your journey. Tale care xx

[Jenny_at_APP Partner in reply to rose89]

Thanks rose (sorry it made you cry though!) That's so exciting, only a few weeks to go I'm so glad all is going well for you. If we decide on another I know there's lots of support available to me too and we'd plan well, the stories and experiences of others on here are so helpful and reassuring.

Good luck with the coming weeks and thank you xx

[bravesurvivor411]

Thank you for your post J! Your words have summed up my feelings on having another. I think about it daily. Even though my son is turning 1 next week im asked a lot if im having another soon? I would love to be completely honest and say I dont want to become psychotic again! But the people who ask me dont know my story thats why they would ask that in the first place. I also have talked to several only children (adults) that I know and ask them how they liked it most of them had nothing negative to say. That helps settle my mind because im leaning to the side of my son being an only. I just dont want to regret it someday. Thanks again!

[Jenny_at_APP Partner in reply to bravesurvivor411]

Yes, I feel exactly the same! Oh for a crystal ball

I hope you have a lovely time next week xx

[JoannaBrooks]

Such a lovely poem! I felt exactly the same, and decided against it initially. But then after lots of chats with my perinatal psychiatrist who took me on again when I said I was too scared, I decided to go ahead as she said with support and medication the odds weren't so bad at all. Don't regret it for a second. It did put the ghosts to rest and have a fantastic 18 month old. I was cautious and took olanzapine for 5 months after and was fine. But everyone has to decide for themselves. Being forewarned is forearmed though! Good luck ladies.

[Jenny_at_APP Partner in reply to JoannaBrooks]

Thank you for your reply, that's so great to hear and I'm really glad things all worked out well xx

[hackneygirl]

I love your poem. We've decided to stick at one - partly as I'm worried about PPP and PND but also because my partner and I don't want any more children. We like just one.

The silver lining about having had PPP is that when people ask about one more and hint at only children being not ideal, I tell them what happened to me and it shuts them up pretty sharpish.

[Jenny_at_APP Partner in reply to hackneygirl]

Yes, if I've got the time when people ask me if I'll be having another I like to raise a bit more awareness of PP!

xx

[andrea_at_app Volunteer]

What a poignant poem, thank you! It was a hard read for me, people can be so hurtful (& nosey!) with such personal questions. I had all those too & actually still get the raised eyebrow with the 'only the one? questions. I find it annoying that having one child isn't seen as a valid family choice & I'd like to say, it might not be what you imagined, but one is equally as perfect.

Your poem says everything beautifully that so many of us have to think through. My decision was made a long time ago when there wasn't much info around & long before this forum existed. There's so much more support available now though & I now know things would be very different if I went for it a 2nd time.

There's the Planning Pregnancy Guide for Women at High Risk of PP here: app-network.org/wp-content/....

Whatever you choose, it's your decision alone & it'll be right for you & your family x

[Jenny_at_APP Partner in reply to andrea_at_app]

Thank you, I know you're absolutely right. It's actually hard to imagine adding to what feels pretty perfect as it is.

Some people have funny ideas of what a 'family' should look like - filled with love should be the only requirement

xx

[Sherbetdip]

Such a beautiful poem which resonates deeply for me. I had always envisaged having two children from a young age, but after an horrific episode of PP with my firstborn I was petrified of it happening again. So when I fell pregnant due to failed contraception, I was terrified yet strangely relieved that i didn't have to consciously make that decision. I knew I could never end the pregnancy and so realised that if this was meant to be I had to get through it. For the sake of my family, I was determined to do everything in my power to try and prevent a recurrence. We put a care plan into place, we decided on an elective caesarean. I chose not to breastfeed and took olanzapine immediately after my second son was born. We took all precautions to stop any of my identified triggers from happening. Thankfully, I was completely fine second time around. I stayed on meds for 2 years before being discharged from the care of my MH team. I am completely recovered and look at my two boys now aged 7 and 5, and I feel so blessed.

Best of luck with whatever you decide,

Jo

[Jenny_at_APP Partner in reply to Sherbetdip]

Thank you for this, I really appreciate it. I'm so glad things all worked out well xx

[CathDuff]

I can only say I had 2 boys, 8 years apart and suffered pp following both. Distressing, difficult, sometimes despairing.... But the love of my life. Watching them together is the best. Knowing what I know now, I would wait till you feel like yourself...give it 6 more months, go for baby and prepare, prepare. Meds from birth, sleep plan, support plan. I'm so proud I survived to give my boy a lovely brother, a bond for life....would I attempt number 3? Noooo...

[Jenny_at_APP Partner in reply to CathDuff]

Thank you for your reply and good advice. I'm sorry you went through PP twice but glad to hear all is well now xx

[herbalista]

Wow you've really just spoken the thoughts inside my head. Thank you so much <3

[amyfj Volunteer]

You totally summed it up with that great poem. Though things are simpler for me right now (my fiance and I didn't make it through the stress of the postnatal period together) I still wonder if I could ever go through it again. Don't get me wrong I love my daughter to pieces and things are so much easier now but to take the chance of it all happening again. For me I think it's just too much! But then you never know... and adoptions always an option! All the best

[Kat_at_APP Volunteer]

That's a lovely poem and sums it up brilliantly. We have "just" one boy (born 2012) and get a lot of interest in when/if we will have another. Not only do we have the PP risk to contend with, but also unexplained secondary infertility. It's complicated! People who don't get that, can jog on. Frankly.

[Bellsy]

This poem is brilliant. Took the words out of my mouth, thank you