Does anyone else worry about the impact PPP may have had on their LO? I had PPP back in November 2023. Initially I was separated from my LO for 48 hours and then with my LO in an MBU for 4/5 weeks. Although I was caring for her physical needs, I had so much going on in my head (conspiracy theories etc) that I wasn’t present at all. I also really struggled with anxiety for a few months once I came home. I struggle to remember much about my LO from the time in MBU which makes me so sad. I managed to lock myself out of my phone too so didn’t have a phone for a few weeks so don’t even have many photos or videos to look back at.
I worry about the impact of not being loved enough during this time. She seems like a happy little soul now but I hope I haven’t damaged her permanently. Any thoughts gratefully received
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Kitkat131
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Thanks for your post, it is a very valid question that we all wonder about at some point. I had pp 6 years ago after my daughter was born. When I was in the mbu same as you I was still very much on the recovery phase of pp and felt very detached from my baby. I was able to care for her but the emotional connection took longer to come.
I remember, at the times when I felt I was not doing justice to my baby, my brother saying to me, look at the happy baby she is, and that gave me a lot of comfort same as you get from seeing your toddler as bubbly as she is. Things are certainly looking up for you and your daughter and without completely forgetting the experience of pp, with time it stops weighing so heavily on you. You are doing things really well, and we as mums will feel guilty about many things that are beyond our control, but it is a feeling and not a fact. Look at yourself with compassion, you have been through so much and both you and your daughter are thriving thanks to your incredible work.
As Maria has said, I think we all wonder and worry about what impact we might have had on our children at some point. The very fact we worry about it shows how much we love them.
My son is 13 this year and a very different character to his younger brother (I didn't have PP after my second). My older son has never been very 'cuddly', was fiercely independent as a toddler and always running off, and never wanted to come in our bed when unwell etc. My second was very different, always very affectionate and cuddly and hanging around my ankles, still likes to come and have a cuddle in bed! I have done my fair share of worrying that this is all somehow down to me, but they are just different! I have a lovely bond with both of my children, they are reminded often how loved they are, and that is the most important thing in my opinion. Your daughter had her needs met and you did the very best you could in the circumstances - you should be very proud of yourself and the 'happy little soul' you are raising
It's very normal to feel that sadness and loss after PP, and then to grieve that time. Please know you're not alone in that. Please know too that none of it was your fault. You have so many happy memories to come and fill in those gaps you perhaps feel now. I remember being told when in the MBU that I would look back and that time of my life would just be a chapter. To start with, it's your whole story but as time passes and that story is added to, it's true that the chapter - although it will remain a significant part of your story - won't stay the whole story, there is much joy and happiness to come.
I wanted to share a couple of things with you:
There is an insider guide on the APP website 'Being a parent after PP' that might be helpful to have a look at, and see that what you are feeling is very normal - app-network.org/postpartum-...
There is a lovely blog called 'PP soup' from a few years ago now, I love this post 'I had postpartum psychosis - I'm a great mum!' ppsoupdotcom.wordpress.com/...
I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I imagine we all feel the same around the time around when they were first born, feeling like you weren't present enough for them and once recovery started almost just going through the motions of feeding, changing, winding and engaging in play but you have so much going on in your mind even during recovery that you're not able to be fully engaged in Motherhood which is upsetting as that's what you want more than anything at that time but recovering and above all accepting what has happened sadly also takes your time and takes its toll on you and your mental health. I felt sad that I didn't get my Son all to ourselves and that the Lady (a beautiful Lady) in MBU who helped us also had him so much so I could sleep and recover from this horrible illness. I feel those cuddles with Mum and Dad at the start really create a strong bond and I always wondered whether that affected our bond.
I have so much upset and regret around that time but I also try and tell myself I did my absolute best when dealt a really tough hand. I love my Boy so much and that love was so strong from the very start and has only grown more and more as he's got older, something I didn't feel was possible as I already loved him so much and he was already everything and so much more than I could have dreamt.
Go easy on yourself. You did your absolute best during a very tough time.
My Boy is now 3 and what happened I don't feel has affected him at all - he's so happy and outgoing and my goodness he is smart! Unbelievably clever and above all so kind to other people especially Children/Animals. I can tell you that although we had help and other Nurses around us all the time we still have an incredibly strong bond and I'm so thankful for that. He is honestly the most incredible Child and continues to amaze me and make me proud everyday. A bond is created over such a long period of time throughout their whole lives and it will grow and grow.
Take care, you're doing amazing and have done amazing!
My daughter was 5 when I had PP and I think she was more affected than the baby was. She had some emotional attachment issues growing up, but managed to surpass them and is a very responsible adult now and a mother herself. My son, who was the baby, thankfully had an independent personality I think to begin with, and just learned to fend for himself in many ways. It has served him well. He just turned 23 and is a very kind, responsible adult who is like me in many ways - artistic and creative.
That period was relatively short for them and for the infants, they will not remember it. What they will remember is the rest of your life and all you do and are. I too regret that I was not always emotionally available and I missed our son's first steps. But we came through it ok.
I had PPP back in 2002 and I remember really worrying about the effect it would all have on my son. I was separated from him for the first month of his life until I could get a place at the MBU where I stayed for 2-3 months. It was a long, slow recovery process and I like you have few photos of him when he was very small.
He does not remember that time at all. I'm sure there were some effects but not necessarily negative effects. Because I was unwell he was fed by a few different people which I think helped him when he got older. He was never clingy or upset going to nursery or school.
When we are going through recovery we do what we need to do to function. I remember really struggling to get out of bed when I had depression following PPP. My son would come and sit on the end of the bed as a toddler and put cartoons on until I could drag myself out of bed. That was not how I wanted to do it. I had never wanted to leave my child infront of the TV but I didn't have a choice. I was doing my best.
I am now at the stage in my life where PPP is just a chapter in my story. It no longer occupies my thoughts like it used to.
The beginning of your child's life they will not remember. Children's earliest memories tend to be around age 3 so you have lots of time to build those happy memories with them. You have the rest of their childhood to do that.
Today I have 2 sons, both off at university who ring me most weeks for a chat, who ring when they need someone to bounce ideas off or have a dilemma to solve. They both know about PPP and I hope this has made they more empathetic to others. I have a very loving relationship with both my children and we are a very strong family unit.
I hope this helps to ease your mind. Please don't blame yourself because none of this was your fault.
I'm sending you warm wishes as you continue on your journey. Xxx
Thank you for asking a question which I have also grappled with since having PPP in October 2022. I found these thoughts occupied my mind a lot in the first year of my daughter’s life both initially and as I fought depression and anxiety after the PPP. I had a similar length stay in the MBU. It was really difficult to accept that I needed so much help when I had thought myself so prepared and eager for motherhood. At first I resented the fact that I had help from lots of ‘strangers’ working on the ward as well as family members. This felt especially difficult because I was not able to breastfeed, so it felt like a lot was taken from me somehow.
However, the power of these thoughts have been diminishing over time. As so many great posts above have suggested, over the course of time PPP can become smaller and smaller in your mind as fonder, warmer memories start to take up more of the room instead in the forefront of your mind. At the same time, your little one is experiencing all those wonderful memories too and has no idea about the dark times. I am sure she received great care from the MBU staff and others in her life, many of whom I’m sure felt privileged to have a part in caring for her too. Although I had some tough and traumatic times in the MBU I realise some of the special staff members there made the experience of recovery much better for the family than it would have been otherwise.
I hope one day my daughter and I will share the story of her beginning and bond over what her dad and I overcame to get to where we ended up. All you need to do now is take things one day, one week at a time. I’m saying this only two years on, so imagine how you will feel a year from now after building more and more memories with your family. It sounds like you’re doing an awesome job. Sending all good wishes to you x
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