Been in mbu and still recovering after 8 months, someone Plz reply I feel soo alone x

my was soo happy when I found out I was having a Lil baby boy, my labour was horrific but I didn't care becoz once I looked into his bright blue eyes it was all worth it. He was amazing. Over the next few days I honestly couldn't love anybody more. Around the 5th day, I suddenly had a very intrusive sick thought to harm my baby, voices in my head urging me to kill my boy. I called everyone I knew so I could get help straight away, I was put in the mbu for a month but I felt I couldn't bond with my baby becoz of this horrible illness,

No one quite understands what I'm going through, I have thoughts of suicide, as I'd rather hurt myself than my baby

8 months down the line and I'm still recovering with the help of my pychatric nurse and the antiphycotics. I love my baby more than anything and would never wanna hurt him. I hope I recover fully and start enjoying life with my gorgeous wee boy

Any1 out there feel the same? Xx

33 Replies

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  • Hi kellyandbabykyle

    Don't worry you're not alone. We are all here to offer support as many of us have experienced this horrible illness. You're so brave being able to ask for help and recognise that something was wrong. You should be so proud of yourself for doing this.

    I too experienced terrible hallucinations and unimaginable thoughts. I was eventually put on an anti-psychotic called queitipine. This helped me immensely. It's still going to take time for you to recover. The main thing is to look after yourself and your baby. Get rest when you can and don't do too much. You've been through so much since the birth of your son. Now you are on the road to recovery. It's good you have a psychiatric nurse. Keeping talking to her too and asking for advice.

    Are there any baby groups you can attend in your area? It may help to meet others. Perhaps the psychiatric nurse can offer some suggestions. Other women mention that CBT can help during recovery too.

    You will get through this. We're all here for you. You're not alone. xx

  • Hi emmilou,

    Thank you for replying, it's great to come on here and ppl know exactly what u r going through. Thank you I knew something wasn't right when I got a thought to harm him, y would I wanna harm him he was just perfect and still is.

    I'm on quetiapine too, but it makes me soo sleepy, does it make u sleepy?.

    Yeah I've actually got back to work, give me something to take my mind off the illness.

    My cpn is great shes there to reassure me that I'm not gonna act on anything and that I'm not evil and twisted, it's not me at all. I've totally lost myself in all this:(.

    Yeah i started a mum and baby group and I just felt no one understood what I was going through, all the other mums bonded with their children soo well and I felt I had somehow lost that with kyle becoz of pp. What's cbt hun?

    Thank you I feel less alone now xx

  • Hello...please let me congratulate you on your lovely bubba...and tell you you're not alone, we are here, and we talk about this silent illness.

    My first PP was untreated and very prolonged. My second PP was as yours. Fantastic birth, over the moon for 2 weeks, in love with everything and my baby - then exactly 2 weeks following birth, I was attacked by the most intrusive thoughts and an urgent need to severely self-harm. I stayed at home as a breastfeeding mum, and was treated by Sertraline and Olanzapine. My baby is now turning 2, I have suffered the depression that follows PP and still suffer with intrusive thoughts.

    I have learnt coping styles, stress seriously elevates the problem, the anxiety and depression. For instance, I have just had a week in Turkey, without a single symptom!

    It does get better...much better, less vivid, less frequent, less intense, but please try to sleep lots, exercise, and seriously minimise stressors. Cuddle baby, really try to produce the love hormone, have someone with you if you're scared.

    We're here. Xx

  • Hi cathduff,

    Thank you he's a bundle of joy, best thing that ever happened to me. I know no1 speaks about this illness Becoz it's so rare. So it's great to have a forum like this.

    I feel soo bad u had pp twice, u r very brave and strong to cope with it, sometimes I just feel like ending it all to Becoz I just want all the intrusive thoughts to go away. I too was misdiagnosed, they thought it was just sleep deprivation. But I was actually lying I'm bed at my I'm laws house and kyle was downstairs, and I felt the urge to kill him, and I felt I had to be held back Becoz the pp makes you actually feel like u r gonna act on these voices and intrusive thoughts.

    I was on olanzapine and still on sertraline. I am now on an antiphycotic called quetiapine, which makes me very sleepy.

    Aww how lovely:), I really feel that getting back to work has helped, and I am planning to open up my own beauty salon. So lots to take my mind off it.

    I hope u recover fully from this horrible illness xx

  • Hello kellyandbabykyle

    Thank you for reaching out to the forum; we are all here for you. Firstly congratulations of the birth of your son, I'm sure he is a delight. PP is an awful illness but is only temporary, so with good medical care and support you will eventually 'find' yourself again.

    I also went to a mum and baby group and like you felt out of place. At the time I didn't know I had PP but I just knew I couldn't relate to any of the mums there who seemed to have had a completely different experience.

    I also had intrusive, commanding thoughts and delusions which at the time were so frightening. It's good that you have your CPN on board. CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) is a type of counselling where you can sit with someone who will listen to your thoughts and think about how they affect the way you act. It's a very good way of talking to a complete stranger, instead of worrying your family, about your thoughts and feelings. I found it such a relief to talk about everything in my head.

    It's good that as well as your CPN you have support when you think things are not quite right. Rest assured you will bond with your baby but for now it's more important to focus on the care you need to fully recover, which you will do in time.

    I don't know if you have had a look around this site but there are Insider Guides which might be helpful : "Recovery after Postpartum Psychosis" and "Postpartum Psychosis : A Guide for Partners" (or it's useful for anyone to read). There is also a post entitled "Delusions of Grandeur and other religious experiences" from a while ago on the forum which might reassure you that we have all experienced very strange delusions and thoughts, so you are definitely not alone here.

    I admire you for going back to work so soon ....... I was hospitalised for the first six months after my son was born and it took me a year or two to fully recover. Treatment of PP is so much better today so try not to worry and be guided by your CPN.

    Take very good care of yourself.

  • Hi lilybeth,

    Thank you :), yeah it is soo hard to go to them groups and see the mothers bond soo well with their Babies and u just know they dont have horrible intrusive thoughts about their own Babies, and u feel so isolated.

    I might try the cbt as I think it would really help to talk to someone who wouldn't judge you and would just sit and listen to u.

    It's hard to talk to my partner about how I'm feeling and what thoughts r going through my head to hurt our son. I Sometime wonder if he thinks I'm a terrible mum or doesn't trust me with my own baby, although he is really supportive I just feel I don't wanna share with him coz it's soo awful what I'm thinking:(

    Yeah I get some days when I think I dont love my baby and then other days I love him more than anything, it's soo confusing but I know in my heart that I love him more than anything in this world, its just the illness that makes me feel that way.

    I will have a look around the site, would be gd to read about people's life after pp, and prove that I can get through this.

    Thank you, I just felt I nedeed to get back out there and have a break from everything, see if it made me recover faster and I'm getting there, some days r better than others.

    I'm glad u have recovered and r helping other woman out there that have pp.

    Yeah my mum had pp when I was born 25 years ago and she was sectioned Becoz back then they thought u were crazy. It's much better these days, they understand it more.

    Thank you same to u xx

  • Hi kellyandbabykyle

    I'm so glad you are feeling less alone. This forum has helped me so much and is an amazing network. Any time you feel lonely just log on. There's always someone here.

    It may be worth asking your CPN about the cognitive behavioural therapy. As Lilybeth says it's good to be able to sit with a stranger and open up about everything. My family were supportive but they was pretty traumatised by my illness and found it too difficult to talk to me about it.

    Your CPN sounds great and seems to understand what you are going through. Mine was the same and she knew exactly what women with PP had endured so I found this such a comfort. She always used to say to me you have suffered such an ordeal and it'll take lots of time to recover from PP.

    Queitiapine did make me very drowsy but it worked so I stuck with it. Some professionals say the drowsiness will wear off the longer you take it as your body becomes used to taking it. I was on about 550mg a day but as I got better this was reduced over time.

    You are doing so well and it's good you're back at work. Don't worry about the baby groups. The one I enjoyed was music time as mums and babies sat in a circle and listened to the music. You didn't really have a chance to talk. The bond will definitely grow with your baby boy over time. I found it difficult to bond with my little boy at the beginning as we were separated. He's four now and we have such a strong bond.

    Chat soon xx

  • Hi emmilou,

    I'm glad I found this forum becoz nowiI don't feel like the only woman In the world that's going through this, and I dont feel like a terrible mum Becoz I know it's just an illness and I will recover.

    Yeah il definitely ask my cpn about cbt, that's like me I dont wanna share my thoughts with any1 in my family Becoz they r soo distressing. I do have my mum tho and she went through the exact same as me so she knows what I'm going through and I can talk to her about it.

    Yeah my cpn is very sympathetic and completely understands me too, she's hopeful I will get better and tells me to do stuff that feel like me again like putting my heels on, doing my make up and going out, when before I just wanted to hide away and never leave the house, which just makes it soo much wrose and depressing.

    U were on a higher dose of quetipine than me, I'm on 400mg but I am always really tired it's horrible, makes me not want to take it sometimes.

    Yeah those baby groups sound alot better

  • Sorry sent it too fast lol.

    Il try baby groups like those they sound gd, although they ain't Babies for long.

    I'm soo glad that u have a great bond with ur boy now, it's soo hard at times. Do u ever feel sad that u didn't have that strong bond like mothers should at the beginning, I feel like this all the time, feel I was robbed of his early days and the days I should have been soo happy but instead cried all the time.

    Xx

  • Hello Kellyandbabykyle

    I have just read your reply to cathduff. Have you told your CPN that you sometimes feel like ending it all because of the intrusive thoughts? I think CBT might be helpful and you can usually access this via your G.P.

    If the intrusive thoughts are really upsetting you and there is no one home to support you, please contact your Crisis Team as soon as possible. You can also ring the Samaritans to talk things over (08457 90 90 90).

    It's good that you are planning ahead and have ambitions of opening your own salon. Hopefully you will feel the benefit of your change in medicaton and the intrusive thoughts will fade. In the meantime please be as honest as you can with your CPN so that she can help and support you.

    Take very good care of yourself.

  • Hi lilybeth,

    Yeah I told my cpn that I'd rather hurt myself and end my life than hurting my own baby. She's very supportive and reassures me that I won't hurt him, I havent soo far so y would I now.

    I feel I can mange the thoughts some days but then others they feel tempting which I dread and I am really scared at times when I'm alone with kyle.

    Thank you I will call if im feeling scared anytime.

    Yeah I'm very honest with my cpn, I feel she is very supportive and helpse alot:) xx

  • Hello Kellyandbabykyle

    Thank you so much for replying. I can hear how precious your baby is to you and it's only the intrusive thoughts that are unsettling you.

    I'm sure your CPN has suggested ways of dealing with your thoughts, such as leaving the room baby is in and taking a minute for the thoughts to pass. Also, you could put the tv, radio or music on to distract yourself, or take baby out for a walk. Really just do anything safely to take your mind away from the thoughts.

    You are doing so well to cope and in time with the medication and support you will recover. It's not easy for you at the moment so I'm glad you have the CPN and family to help, as well as contact numbers if you need extra support.

    Take care of yourself, we are all here for you. :) xx

  • Hi lilybeth,

    Yes I do love him millions:).

    Yeah the thoughts do scare me at times, but they do pass quickly as I have managed to control them. Yeah I do distract myself by watching TV or doing something even getting out the house helps.

    Thank you for ur support xx

  • Hello Kellyandbabykyle

    Good to hear from you again. You are doing all the right things and are a great mum so be very proud of yourself.

    As other mums have suggested, it might be a good idea to consider CBT ........ just to sit and talk about your thoughts and feelings to a complete stranger who can listen and support you.

    Take good care of yourself; we are all here if you need us. xx

  • Hi Kellyandbabykyle,

    Congratualtions on your baby boy - I have boys too and they're a handful but lots of fun and they love cuddles (my eldest is nearly 6 now and still does!) I had PP with him in 2009 and like you spent time on an MBU.

    I know exactly what you mean about the mum and baby groups, mine was so cliquey and hard work, although I made myself go each week I didn't always enjoy it... but I did make a couple of friends there. The music group Emmilou suggested sounds good, is there anything like that in your area, perhaps through a Childrens Centre or something?

    Great to hear that your CPN is supportive too - mine was excellent and sometimes felt like being with a friend (I know she wasn't my friend, she was just very good at her job!) I hope the medication starts getting easier with the sleepiness, I know anti-psychotics can do that and I remember being dazed and exhausted most days. I know having a baby is hard, but with PP and the meds and recovering, it can feel like such a struggle some days. We are all here to help you through.

    As others have said, the thoughts and intrusive feelings are something you should chat through with your CPN and never feel afraid to ask for more support if you need it. Recovering from PP can take time, but you will get there and already sound like you are doing pretty well to me! Take care, xx

  • Hi spannerb,

    Aww how sweet:). Yeah there is a baby book bug session at our local library from time to time.

    Yes I definitely feel like it's a struggle to get up in the morning, and id spend most days in bed if I could, they make me soo sleepy.

    I'm very honest with my cpn and she thinks I'm doing alot better so I am getting there but just takes time.

    Thank you for ur message, nice to know that ppl understand xx

  • Yes thank you, I am brave. Of course, we didn't know what it was first time around. I know I couldn't possibly go through it again, but will be forever glad that I have. It has offered me insight into things I never could have understood, and I am a better, more loving and thankful person for it. This sounds strange, but I will always be fascinated with what the brain can do - and unless you've had it malfunction in such a severe way, people tend to lack understanding and it remains stigmatised.

    You are being brave too. Seeking help is very positive, as some mums are so petrified by the changes, they don't know how to respond. I will always say to people not to underestimate the affects of having a baby, and accept that perfectionism is for the airbrushed! Xx

  • Hi cathduff,

    Yeah I can understand where ur coming from, I guess u just learn to live with it. It changes u completely as a person.

    Yeah I was brave too, I remember thinking Ohh no they r gonna take kyle away from me when they realise what I'm thinking, it was scary but also the best thing I could have ever done. There r soo many woman that sit in silence scared of the consequences but they need urgent help but r too afraid to ask xx

  • Everyone's recover takes time. You will get better with the help of the doctors. It is great that you are starting to enjoy your little boy. Take one day at a time and you will get there. X

  • Hi scissorsister,

    Thank you, that's all I can do right now and like u said in time hopefully I will recover xx

  • Hi Kellyandbabykyle

    I just wanted to add to the comments above. You sound like you have such strength, and such a strong love and bond with your boy. I just wanted to say that you are most definitely not alone, as you see from all the comments above. I felt very similar to you, recovery was long and up and down, but slowly and surely I got better and regained confidence with support. It is so good that you have the professional support that you need.

    And it is amazing that you are thinking of your future re opening the salon. Stay strong, I am sure there will be blips, and you will feel low, but you ARE getting better, and will fully recover and be completely yourself again and be able to completely enjoy life and your boy. I have never been happier in my life, and have the most amazing bond with a very beautiful boy too.

    Take care

  • Hi sunnyandwild,

    Yeah I do feel the more I spend time with him, the more I fall in love with him he's just lovely:).

    Yeah something to look forward to:), I know it will be hard and I will feel gd 1 day and rubbish another, but that's part of life, u just gotta keep fighting on.

    Aww I'm glad u have a lovely bond with ur beautiful boy :) xx

  • You WILL get better. I was exactly the same 19 yrs ago and have managed to bring up my son and I had a daughter 20 months after him. I was scared I would hurt my boy and that social services would take him away. Neither of these things happened with the right support from health workers and most of all FAMILY x My son has grown into a polite, caring, lovely young man and I am very very proud of him.

  • Hi pj96,

    U make me feel hopeful that it will get better. Ur brave going on to have another baby, im terrified to have another 1.

    I'm always scared I will hurt kyle and il end up in prison for his murder it's awful, but I know deep down past the illness I don't wanna hurt him, I love him soo much.

    That's soo lovely, that ur lil boy has turned into a man u can be proud of xx

  • Hi Kellyandbabykyle,

    Lots of the comments in the posts above really resonate with me too, I'm nodding yes to all them, the awful intrusive thoughts, feeling scared, the baby groups, the tiredness etc. Above all, the ones saying, 'I felt like that but I got better & have a wonderful bond with my boy'. It's incredibly hard having those awful thoughts that no mother should have, & you're doing really well knowing they're just thoughts & it's the illness doing that not you.

    I had CBT too which was really helpful & it'd be good to chat with your Psychiatrist or GP to see if they recommend it for you or something similar? I know the tiredness from the meds is so hard & just another thing we have to fight. I like the encouragement from your CPN to put your heels on & go out, it's not always easy to do though so don't feel bad if you can't, but hopefully the encouragement helps anyway. It's really important you take your meds regularly even if they make you feel sooo tired. I know it's really hard at work when you're feeling like that & having to fight tiredness all the time, I used to have to go home at lunchtime for a nap. I wonder if there are any adjustments you could make throughout the day so you can get more rest, breaks or time out??

    There are a set of videos here from a CBT therapist about OCD & I think the one covering intrusive thoughts is excellent, I hope you find it helpful:

    Let us know how you're getting on. I hope things ease up for you soon, things really will get better. x

  • Hi Andrea,

    Yes I recognise them for what they r and I'm iin control of my actions not the illness.

    I'm soo glad u have a great bond with ur baby now:). Pp makes it soo hard to have that bond.

    Yeah I'm gonna ask my psychiatrist about cbt, I think it will help me. I know I've started taking them earlier at night so that I ain't as sleepy In the morning.

    Yeah that's me heels on,make up on, hair done. I'm starting to do all this again, even when I don't feel like it.

    I can understand completely y u had to take naps, I'm only working 16 hours so I don't get any breaks and my Partner works full time so I Have to watch kyle pretty much all the time.

    Thank you that video really did help, it's true u can't control what pops into ur head, but u can control what u do with it.

    I hope so thank you I will xx

  • Hi Kellyandbabykyle, congratulations on the birth of your beautiful son, he sounds beautiful. Just to reassure you that you are not alone, but among 'virtual' friends who truly understand what you are going through and are here to support you every step of the way.

    PP is a frightening condition and it takes time to recover, but it does get easier and eventually becomes just a faint memory. I felt very guilty for a long time at missing out on those first few weeks and worried it would affect the 'bonding' process with my daughter. It was fine though and inspite of my wobbly start I felt blessed that I had survived the experience and had a beautiful healthy daughter, who is 33 years old now! I'm delighted to hear that you have such good support from your psychiatric nurse, at least things have improved in terms of aftercare and support. I wish you all the very best and keep in touch. Vee Xx

  • Aw, I think so too Vee82, that in time "...it does get easier and eventually becomes just a faint memory."

    Kellyandbabykyle, this video might help too, again it's based on OCD but it covers 'How to stop intrusive thoughts'

    You're doing great, just keep going x

  • Hello kellyandbabykyle

    Just wondering how you are now. I'm glad you found the video helpful. I hope you're finding time to relax after work, although I know it's not easy when you are caring for your son and routine at home. You should be so proud of yourself, coping with everything and going out to work as well.

    Did you find out from your psychiatrist about CBT which you might find helpful? Take good care of yourself ...... we are all thinking of you.

  • I'm in a unit too your not alone

  • what is MBU? i'm sorry, but i'm not familiar with that term.

    if it is any help, i was in the psych ward of a large hospital for almost a month. and i didn't see my baby for over a month.

    i was also really worried about bonding. but, i have good news!! these little ones are SOO resilient! their brains are constantly constantly changing. you have plenty of time to still bond with your baby!!

    i didn't really learn to bond with my little one until she was 2, but it has been wonderful.

    don't let it stress you out, you still have plenty of time. when you feel strong and ready there are wonderful ways to bond with your little one. check out profectum on line when you feel ready. that was very helpful for me.

    hang in there! you will enjoy life with your little one, one day at a time!

    ~K

  • Hi Karysma7, it's nice to see your message, and to hear that you have managed to bond with your little one, despite being separated. That must have been so hard.

    I was in a MBU too - MBU is a mother and baby unit, so I was never separated from my baby which was so important for my recovery. I really feel for you being separated like that. But like you say little one's are most definitely resilient, my boy is completely unaffected by what happened. He's such a happy and confident boy.

    Take care, Ellie

  • Oh, that's wonderful you never had to be separated. Good to know such places exist!!