I'm Tara. I had PPP 11 months ago after my second pregnancy. It's been a roller coaster of a year since, with a stay in the hospital psych ward. I live in N.Ireland where a mother and baby unit is not available, so I was separated from my daughter less than a week after her birth to get the psychosis under control.
I have now returned to work on a part-time basis. I work remotely from home as a web developer. It's been a challenge because apart from memory issues related to the PPP diagnosis, I now also have severe self confidence and anxiety issues.
I was a confident, outgoing person before the PPP and I feel like I've lost that as well as the important time this cost me in the first few weeks of my daughter's life
Everyone around me keeps telling me I'm doing really well, but I don't believe it and often have panic attacks simply because of feeling so overwhelmed. I have a nurse come to see me once a month and I'm still with the mental health consultant, so it's still early in my recovery.
Even the idea of taking my two kids out on my own can be so overwhelming that I often talk myself out of it. And when I go out, it's something well planned in advance.
Work have been amazing, I couldn't ask for more help but I feel like I'm a failure for not being able to code what I used to code. Has anyone dealt with anxiety in the workplace? Are there any techniques I can try? Does your memory come back? I feel like until my workload is more along the lines of what it used to be, I am a failure. I dread being told what task I have on every morning because "what if I can't do it". When I put stuff live I worry constantly that the site is broken so much so that I have to check it over and over again. I just want to be able to enjoy work again.
This is a wonderful platform, it's taken me a few months to want to reach out and get support. It's so nice to be able to chat to people who really "get it", the recovery is long and arduous but I hope I'm getting there.
Looking forward to your replies
love Tara
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taramag
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Welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear that you suffered from pp 11 months ago and that you were separated from your baby. It is such a devastating illness.
I can relate to what you write on your post related to anxiety about performing in the workplace. I just wanted to say that apart from pp, going back to work after almost a year takes everyone time to get the muscle memory back. It does get easier as time passes. I can understand your trepidation about a job that requires so much attention to detail and the nerves when things go live. I found that some grounding techniques did help me with the anxiety when I went back to work. Here is a link to an article that mentions some of them:
Give yourself some credit because you are doing incredibly well, accept the praise from your colleagues as it is well founded. When I am feeling anxious it is not possible to see the wood for the trees and I very easily feel overwhelmed, take a moment to breathe and get things back in perspective, it has not been that long and recovery takes time.
I wish you all the best, it will get easier with time
Thanks for the warm welcome and the grounding techniques link I really appreciate it.
I think the worst thing about this is "recovery takes time" I'll have days where I'm 100% and everything is going well and I wonder if I was even unwell then there are days like today where work overwhelmed me and I felt useless.
I spoke to my boss yesterday to see if there was anything they can do, they said I should be on different tasks that are easier on me so that's being applied next week. I guess it really helps not to suffer in silence, they've been amazing and understand I'm still recovering.
Me being back at work at all is such a big achievement I don't recognise how far I've come. My mil said to me today that I could still be in hospital and some people don't recover the way I have. Puts it into perspective I suppose!!
Thanks for the reply it's wonderful to know I'm not alone
You are most definetely not alone in this. I worked for more than 2 years after pp before I took maternity leave again after my second baby born last October. I am a software developer too and a few months after coming back from work I felt an improvement in my confidence, still needing to check and double check my work at times but things felt less overwhelming.
I am really glad that they are being understanding at work and so supportive it makes an incredible difference.
Recovery for me was very gradual and familiar to what you describe, some great days and some others when I felt almost back to square one. I was recommended to keep a short journal and that was a good tool. I could look back and see that week after week the good days started becoming more frequently than the bad ones. I am a terrible one for remembering more the negatives than the positives, so keeping a record helped me to put things in perspective.
Take good care, and yes, celebrate how far you've come
Wow you are a dev too? Did you find you forgot a lot of what you learned? I am taking training courses to try and refresh but it's my anxiety that is the worst. I stare at the code unable to track what it's doing and just struggle so much to write anything.
I know I've come far but feeling like a failure at work is hard to stomach especially when I was so capable previously
I think I'll keep my journal going and the training and see how I feel in a month or so.
I keep work up to date on how I'm feeling and they are doing their best to help me through this which is amazing
Thanks so much for the kind words I guess I need to just keep swimming & look out for improvements.
I have been there, and the more you stare at it the more your mind wanders and ruminates about how you can't get it now instead of focusing on the task at hand. I found that by taking more frequent breaks, and proper ones where I would not think about the code and the changes I needed to make, helped me to re focus. Offering to do code reviews for my colleagues was also good additional practice for me and it was welcomed by the team.
Confidence takes a big hit after pp, it is afterall such an upheaval, but it is so recoverable and you will find you will be back to yourself. Sending you lots of warm wishes
Offering to do code reviews is a great idea - I've spoken to my boss, and he is happy for me to do tasks that are more in keeping with my current state of mind but I'm not sure how long I'll get away with that!
That's the worry - what if I never get better and never get my coding brain back. I know I'm on meds and they affect thoughts but I didn't think they or PP would affect my ability to work.
My confidence is at rock bottom so I need to work on that but I'm not sure how to improve it. I just think every day "I won't be able to do that" when I get my task list.
I do have help at work, my team leader takes time out to write code with me and sends me training courses to improve my skills but even the training is too advanced for me now.
I am sorry that you are feeling your confidence is at rock bottom, please be reassured this is a phase and it will pass. Remember to be kind to yourself and in those moments that you feel overwhelmed take a step back it is what your body is asking for at that time.
There is another thread here in the forum that talks about medication and the effect in cognitive abilities. You are most definitely not alone in this and it is unfortunately part of the recovery process. Please let us know how you are getting on, I think you are doing so well involving your manager pp is not an easy subject to bring up. Take good care, will be thinking of you next week, all the best
Thank you so much for the kind words, I hope it's just a phase! I was at the consultant yesterday and he thinks my recovery is going well so that's a big plus. He is keen to take me off some of my meds which is great. Hoping I'll notice a lot less head fog and be able to code better. I'll keep in touch!
Hi TaraWelcome to the forum. I returned to work when my son was 13 months old. I coped OK for a bit but then my anxiety began to get worse.
I have a job I can't do from home and would often find myself feeling tearful on my commute due to feeling overwhelmed.
I spoke to my employer and they took some extra responsibility I had away which helped me to feel less stressed.
I've also been having CBT for about 5 months and have spoken a lot about my work to my therapist.
I think I'm starting to learn that anxiety is something that might always be there but allowing myself to do things to help me decompress. I find taking time away from stress helpful.
I think I need to start some therapy. My community nurse is brilliant helping me tackle hard topics and spurring me on, but I think I need more support.
It's great your work could accommodate you. I spoke to my boss and there will be changes which is great but its hard not being able to do what I used to do.
I never used to be anxious so I hope with treatment and therapy I can get around it or at least learn to live with it.
How have you found the CBT? My consultant mentioned me trying it a while ago but here in NI there is a waiting list so it'll be a while.
Thanks for the reply it's lovely to chat with others who "get it"
Hello Tara,I actually wanted to continue with my online course in art, but seen your message. When I can resonate, I usually try to reply.
I am so very pleased that you found this forum and I believe you already have been tuning in for a while into the APP page. A warm welcome from all of us!
I am still living with anxiety and find crowds and a new environment quite challenging. This is due to living with bipolar 1. However, when acutely ill with PPP and probably 2 years onwards I was still recovering from my traumatic experience in the Psychiatric mixed gender unit.
I believe PTSD has been with my partner and I for many years due to the additional loss of my dad and his mum after 3 years of PPP.
Yes, and here I would like to highlight, you are doing so exceptionally well. Please, be proud of yourself. Because you have reintegrated into your career and being an amazing mama for your 2 babes.
It is such a learning curve to be kind and self reflective without beating yourself up!
I never went back to teaching and lecturing as I need to be very careful with stress management. I am able to focus on projects with a beginning and an end. I also prefer to work from home. I have been accomplishing therapeutic courses...it is always great to look forward to something and have a goal. But hey, be patient and in small stepping stones.
Despite the traumatising illness, we gained lived experiences and convert negativity into positivity. The mums on here are absolutely fab, kind and sensitive and yep, great parents!
I think you are right, I need to take a step back and see how far I've come, I was pretty far gone by the time I went into the pysch ward. Could still be there or in a place where my memory and reality fade in and out.
I understand what you mean about stress management I think that's the problem with work I get stressed easily anyway but I just can't handle it the way I used to. My team leader said today he can see how much I'm improving each week and it'll take time for it all to come back but it's not nice thinking about what I used to be able to do.
Did you find your memory going? I can't remember what I've done a few hours before I completely draw a blank, this is stressing me as well I thought my memory would come back.
I'm still on my meds which make me tired and I'm guessing the cloudy thoughts are to do with that. I'm not a year yet so they plan to keep me on them for a while at least.
we are all "different clocks" in the way we tick. The impact of a traumatising illness and not being able to recover in an "ideal environment" outlines a different path-way for recovery. I believe a mother and baby unit would have protected me from some very unreasonable processes in the Psych-Hospital.
Cultural background, locality and personal circumstances including your family make up needs to be seen as a holistic package in order to target your needs and subsequently how you choose to improve your mental health in a gentle way.
I believe you have already some great tools! Yes, be a proud mum, please and allow yourself plenty of time. I was still extremely poorly in the first 2 years.
Being a mum is a tiresome job, in fact 24/7, you never stop worrying. The meds have side effects and can realy affect your day to day routine.
Try to find regular sleep patterns, plenty of walks with your little one will help you to get the endorphins going, diet and exercising enhances to balance your emotional-physical well being. I get tired when too much stress and a nab or meditation can be uplifting and I can carry on with my routine.
I hope you are surrounded by kind people, who can share the love and joy, but who are also a great support network.
Bye for now, keep in touch if you want to talk. There is always somebody here, who will listen. What I liked most, when I felt extremely vulnerable, - this forum is none judgmental! x
Thanks for the kind words Pikorua I must admit I'm not walking at all at the moment and my diet is non existent picking whatever I can eat in my hand while on the go. I've a history of eating disorders so I don't want to focus on what I eat too much! Can definitely do a walk a bit more often thanks for the tip.
My hubby is amazing, letting me go for naps during the day when my brain goes into overdrive or my meds zonk me out. Everyone around me understands and knows what I went through I don't hide it I discuss it openly. Even in work...
I used to do yoga but I can't find the motivation to pick it up again... any tips on how to get that "get up and go" back?
You are welcome, Tara. It is great that you can communicate openly about the way you feel. It helps so much not to bottle up your thoughts.
I only was able to express myself through art for 5 years until I found relief when talking to all those fabulous ladies on this site. I found writing so much easier then talking.
Yes, please be patient with yourself, all in stepping stones.
When coming out of hospital I have had a care coordinator and support worker throughout many years. Learning the basics when going out such as coping with a super market. Never managed public transport though. The first few years were an ongoing struggle.
However, nobody realised that I was suffering with symptoms of bipolar until I received a recommendation of a great Psychiatrist via APP and finally received a diagnosis. 8 years after PPP.
PPP recovery is your pathway and you have already gone through the tunnel. You are out there in your career again, juggling family life and work. Super mum! When something is unsettling to you, your intuition will help you to act accordingly...too much stress is an indicator of slowing down...be kind and caring to yourself, the way how you love your children, love yourself. More about coping tools next time. Meditation now for me! Bye. x
Sounds like you have had it tough I'm so sorry. It's great you found somewhere you can express yourself and get yourself heard. I know writing has helped many people process what happened to them, so I thought I'd give it a go.
I need to be kinder to myself I know that, but I'm just so tired at the moment I struggle to get through the day without one or two thoughts about guilt, I know it's normal though which is a help.
Meditation sounds lovely. I think I'll give that a go. I used to love yoga but now I don't have any energy (think I don't have the energy/zapped from meds)
You can not change what happened to you, but you can convert your negative experience into something positive such as being creative or volunteering (at a later stage). Painting and journalising is something I managed already at the beginning of my recovery.
Concentration level is something I found extremely difficult and frustrating. I always enjoyed learning and as an academic used to read tons of books. I still read, but had to convert to different kind of methods, such as auditory learning, when low or exhausted.
If you go into Podcasts, and search for meditation music or chakra balancing, you'll find something you enjoy. Guided meditation is easier initially before attempting proper meditation practice.
I am mastering Reiki and do a lot of "self healing". I can recommend Andrea Kennedy for Chakra balancing. (complete distance Reiki Chakra Series-Extended Version by Andrea Kennedy/you tube).
Look after yourself and be gentle and kind to yourself. x
I love the idea of making something positive out of it all I dwell a lot on what I missed out on and how I'm struggling now isn't my fault but makes me feel so guilty.
I don't know if it's the meds or the recovery, but all I want to do is sleep at the moment so it's really hard to do things.
I celebrate the wee wins when I do stuff but it's housework and laundry or reading out the kids clothes (did that today yay!).
My antidepressants are being increased next week and the sleepy antipsychotic is being reduced so hopefully I'll see more of me, I love making things and being creative but I've not been able to lift my hand to any of that lately which is really sad.
I'll look up guided meditation and give that a go thanks for the recommendation - did you do CBT as well? I'm wondering if there are any online courses I could look up preferably free.
I definitely need to be kinder to myself and see how far I've come in a year.
Afternoon TaraMag,I hope you’re having a good weekend so far. It’s a bit dull here in the South of England today. Is it sunny with you?
I’m so sorry to hear that you had PP too. It’s an awful illness, and the recovery for some is just as brutal. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with your memory and anxiety at the moment.
You’ve had some wonderful replies from other women here, and incredible EmiMum has a similar career to you. It’s a small world isn’t it.
I had PP back in 2016. And as you’ll have read, and felt yourself, recovery can be a really up and down experience. I too suffered with anxiety, and my memory was ridiculously slow. It was horrid. I felt like my brain was so very foggy half the time - so I had to take the days very slowly, depend on writing lists, taking small tasks in turn just to “get by” really. PP impacts your entire “being” and world and trying to explain that to others who haven’t been there, well it’s pretty impossible isn’t it!!
Which is why it’s so so good you’ve found the forum. And by the sound of it you’re finding it helpful. I did too.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you feel back to how you were before. Time, as you’ve read, will help. But do remember just how far you’ve come. To already be back at work is phenomenal, you should be very proud of yourself. It sounds as though your employer is being supportive which is great. Keep talking with them as you are. That’ll all help.
In terms of how to get your “get up and go” back that you describe. Small steps. Which will sound like a really frustrating answer, sorry. My journey took a while. Fogs lifted gradually, and in time I found myself singing again, walking, then running, it wasn’t a sudden wake up one day thing. It really happened gradually.
I hope this offers reassurance in some way. The PP was temporary. And what you’re feeling now is temporary too. Take great care of yourself. PP is such a traumatic thing to go through. It’s important to pace yourself, praise yourself for how well you’re doing, and embrace those naps and extra support.
Is there an activity you and your husband could do together maybe, would you find that might help your motivation? You can get through this, we’re all cheering you on.
Thanks for your reply. It's lovely to hear other women's stories of recovery and growth. I understand the fog and memory issues well so I can relate. It's comforting to hear this is a phase
This week I've mainly been training at work and things are getting better where my confidence has grown, but I'm still pretty anxious about doing certain things.
My hubby and I used to work on websites ourselves and we also made t-shirts I might suggest we make a project or two in the next month and see how it goes. Thank you that's an excellent idea!
I'm basically waiting on the Olanzapine dose being reduced and removed in the next month so that should sort the fogginess. I'm not sure what to do about the anxiety based on what everyone is saying, it's a phase. Something that will pass and I'll be able to do my job again. I just wanted to run before I could walk... definitely a trait old Tara would have been guilty of.
Thanks so much for cheering me on, I feel like this is a very safe environment which is lovely
So pleased that you have reached out here and had such good support and shared experiences. I’m glad writing is a good outlet for you. I think sometimes seeing our thoughts written down is helpful.
I had PP many years ago, twice, six years apart. At that time there were no MBUs so I was admitted to mixed general psychiatric care.
I wonder if you have seen the BBC Headroom site at bbc.co.uk/headroom with a mental health toolkit of coping with everyday ... music, podcasts and so on. These days I am more comfortable with chair yoga 😊 which I found on YouTube and is quite relaxing ... it almost feels as if I have a personal tutor!
I think as mums we forget about self compassion as we always like to make sure that everyone else is ok. It’s lovely that you have such good support from your husband, friends and at work. I think you are amazing to be back at work so, as you say, please remember to be kind to yourself. I carried unfounded guilt and shame for years until I had the great fortune to find APP and all the caring souls on the forum.
I hope you have a relaxing weekend .... congratulations on the birth of your baby. Take care and be very proud of how far you have come.
Thank you so much, she's a gem and a light in this world both my children are, I was so worried I wouldn't have been able to bond with her because I couldn't bf but she's a mama's girl with "Mama" being her first word just to prove it to me My son's first word was "Dada" so it's ok with the family lol.
I'm not kind to myself at all, I catch myself being nasty about my mothering or work and wonder where these distressing thoughts come from. I know it's all normal with the recovery but I find it very upsetting.
Thanks so much for the link I'm keen to look at self help therapies and hopefully tackle the anxiety I have at work with techniques.
Chair yoga sounds interesting! I used to love yoga and used to be very flexible but now I "can't be bothered" to do anything like that, even going for walks is a job for me even though I know it would help my mental health.
How did you handle your recovery? I'm so sorry to read you had it twice that must have been such a blow. Where you in the ward twice? I actually quite enjoyed my stay in the ward apart from missing my family, I made friends and got really creative; handlettering quotes and positive phrases and doing yoga. It's interesting being separated from your phone, I missed it but did more things without it.
This community is lovely it's so nice to find people who can relate to what you've been through. I try to explain to people how unwell I was and they just don't get it, not really.
Thank you so much for taking time to reply. Children are priceless treasures aren’t they and that smile of recognition as “Mama” brightens any day.
It is difficult at times when those niggling thoughts creep in. During my psychoses I was hearing a commanding voice which told me what a bad mother I was, so I understand how upsetting it can be.
My recovery was quite difficult as it was at a time when mental health was very much in the shadows. So I didn’t talk about it as my parents thought I would be judged and my husband was also told not to speak of it. Although I only caused harm to myself and never to my sons.
Anyway, thankfully these days it’s ok not to be ok and there is more awareness. I hope in time you will feel much better about yourself as there are so many good times ahead with your precious family.
We are always here to talk .... my internet connection is fading so I’m sorry my reply is short.
PP mums are amazing ....take good care of yourself. 💕
I'm so sorry you had such a hard time with PP I hope you are well recovered.
I have been back at work 3 months but I expected to be able to do a lot more by now. It's tough because I don't remember struggling this much when I came back to work after my first wee one.
Its great we can discuss mental health openly these days, I talk to almost everyone about how I'm feeling and what I/they can do to help me. I'm so sorry you struggled with this alone in the past that must have been very traumatic.
I think I need to get counselling to deal with the trauma of what happened and how it affected me, but the NHS waiting list is 9months here (NI)
Evening Tara,I hope you’re ok. I was just reading your note to Lilybeth and saw that sadly the wait time for Counselling is quite long in NI.
I found that too here in England back in 2017/2018, and so someone suggested I ask my employer if they offered any support through work.
I spoke to someone in HR at my work to access the service. It was all done in confidence, and luckily I was able to access counselling more quickly and for free which was incredible.
I just thought I’d share, in case it’s something you might be able to explore.
Sending my best wishes to you, and hope you get some support soon.
Thanks so much for sharing I'll ask my HR team and see what they come back with. What type of counselling did they offer? Did you find it helped? I feel like I need to come to terms with what happened and then maybe I'll be able to move on if you know what I mean.
Great, it’s definitely worth a try in asking them. I hope they can help.
Initially I was very sceptical about my counselling. I really didn’t see how it would help at all to be honest, sitting in a room with someone. I just wasn’t sure what I’d say. But I kind of got to the point of needing to do something. The funk you describe, I had very similar feelings. I was silly myself and wasn’t on medication for depression but with hindsight I definitely should have been I think. I was too set on getting better… so it sadly took me a while to realise that help was a good thing!
Initially I just cried on my counsellor. Small tears initially, then fat proper ugly snotty crying. It all came out, the emotions I mean… not the snot! There were weeks that I felt I wasn’t sure why I was doing it to myself!! BUT and it’s an important but, I personally had to cry, to start to heal. I had so much baggage and guilt around being poorly, I had zero confidence left, I felt like an inadequate mummy and a shell of my former self. So having space every week to speak with someone who gently listened to me, reflected back how I felt, it was for me a very powerful experience to have that space just for me.
So in short, it wasn’t easy but it absolutely helped. I think it’s key to find the right councillor for you.
I really hope your employer might be able to help you with this. I have everything crossed. But glad to read in the meantime you have support from a mental health nurse. Keep talking. You will get there.
Rachel that's how I feel on a daily basis! A shell of myself just going about the motions unable to stop and take stock of how lucky I am, how amazing my children are and how lucky we all were that I got help when I did.
My mental health nurse is amazing, I always feel better after a visit from her! She lets me know what is normal mummy anxiety and what is something more. She introduced me to the term "Too big for now" not saying I can't do a thing but I can't do a thing yet... that was life changing for me, it helped me cope with the thoughts of inadequacy I have around being a mummy.
I did CBT many years ago when I was being treated for an eating disorder and found it very helpful I tell everyone about it now. Its a shame the waiting list is so long I'm not sure if my company can help but I'll check and see.
It sounds like your therapy is exactly what you needed, just a space to be honest and let go of everything. I would cry a lot too so you aren't alone lol even snotty tears - my hubby proposed with a receipt many years ago (a jewellers where we were looking at rings), and I didn't say yes right away I just cried all over him! He ended up putting on snow patrol's "just say yes" so I would remember what I was meant to say lol
I know I'll get better one day thanks to all the lovely people I've been chatting with on here its been amazing
You really really will get better Tara. I’m so glad you’ve got such a supportive nurse by the sound of it, that must feel like such a comfort, good supportive relationships make all the difference. Glad I’m not the only one with snotty tears, how marvellous your husbands proposal sounds! What a happy memory.
Just take each day as it comes, that “too big for now” expression is marvellous. What a wise thing to hold onto. Sending hugs.
Thank you I feel like I'm on the mend just from joining this forum, it's been pretty lonely recovering from this. I feel like I've already talked it through with my family and want them to see me recovering rather than always dwelling on how I was.
I wasn't ready to discuss this for such a long time, my hubby encouraged me to post and read and it's been really eye opening thank you so much for being so supportive.
Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. I am well recovered after my PP episodes many years ago. I have had so much support and empathy via APP and the mothers of courage, like you, on the forum.
I think as mums we expect to pick up where we left off without really understanding what a trauma we have been through. It took me a while to find my place and that was even without returning to work so soon as you have, so I hope you are very proud instead of being hard on yourself.
Yes, it’s very good that we can now talk openly about feeling as we do, without being judged. I was very confused for years after my episodes and thought I had suffered depression (although this came after my episodes). I felt so relieved when the APP professionals met me years ago and after sight of my medical notes, confirmed that I had suffered PP twice. I realised that it wasn’t my fault and the shame I had carried lifted from my shoulders in that moment. I will be forever grateful.
It’s a shame there is such a long waiting list for counselling in NI. I was looking at the Postpartum Support International site at postpartum.net/ and from their list they do have support in Ireland, so that might be an outlet you might connect with? There might be support local to you as there is a contact name given in Northern Ireland.
Just to chat and as you say find other mums who have been where you are .... there’s nothing quite like talking to someone who truly understands how much courage it has taken to be where you are today. We are always here and it’s lovely to hear from you. I hope some of this is helpful .... PP mums are amazing!
I'm so happy you were able to get a diagnosis and closure after such an ordeal and you had it twice? What a superhero to go through all that without the support of mental health teams, that is amazing.
I have a community psych nurse come visit me every month and make sure my meds are working as expected as well as keeping an eye on my moods. I don't know where I'd be without her she's so supportive and very helpful. She is very aware of my anxiety and tries to help me cope with it but I really think I need counselling - I'll check out that link you sent thank you very much!
I just want to pick up where I left off, that's exactly it, you hit the nail on the head. I used to do yoga and walked loads as well as crafting and now I don't do anything but sleep after my half day at work and then take the kids out at the weekend with my hubby. Its just such a dull existence at the minute, but I can't seem to get out of this funk. How long did it take you to feel like you could do more?
How are you feeling today? I am reading from your replies to Rachel and Lilybeth how much you want to start feeling better. I really hope that the avenue for getting some talking therapy will open up soon. This lack of energy I am familiar with, it leaves you feeling that you are not doing enough and then as a vicious circle that ruminating will leave me with less energy even.
I am so glad you mentioned yoga as something you used to do. I found it so therapeutic when recovering from pp. Perhaps it is something you could try and explore once a week? A weekend treat just for yourself?
Will be thinking of you and please keep us updated on how you are getting on.
I'm good thanks, struggling through work still so I need to address that - today's tasks where something I really struggled with and should have flagged but I didn't until the time was up. I feel so guilty about that so tomorrow I'm going to get my lead dev to go over what I should have done.
At the weekend we went shopping on Saturday and then for a lovely walk on Sunday and it was really nice, I was able to let go of a lot of the anxiety and just be present! When hubby is there it's a different story, when I'm on my own my thoughts overload very quickly and I feel like I'm unable to relax in case our eldest (3) runs off!
I definitely feel like I need counselling now so we are going to look into it privately (and see if work can help) I feel like a talking therapy of any kind would be beneficial. I still feel like I have zero confidence in my job and very anxious so I need to address that as I've been back to work 3 months now.
How are you? Hope you are well, it's so nice to know you are thinking of me!
I loved yoga so I'm going to take myself away tomorrow after work and do some flows and see if I can do that instead of my usual nap - with the meds changing I'm hoping I won't need to nap as much.
I love the plan of yoga after work, hope that you will see the improvement in your energy with the change of medication.
I can so relate to your comment of feeling anxious when you are with the 2 of them. My eldest is also 3 and a whirlwind as they all are at this age, and I fret when she is walking next to me and baby. Like you say when hubby is with me, I can relax and actually enjoy it. You are not alone on this. We are sometimes our own worst enemy, aren't we?
It is good news that you are exploring the private avenue for talking therapy. I hope this comes through very soon for you.
Take good care, let us know how the yoga goes. I hope tomorrow is a better day at work, be kind to yourself, you are doing so well.
Today was a good day at work and then we went for a family walk in nature which was lovely. Today has been one of those days where I can see me recovering fully, I don't have many of these days but its encouraging.
I've made plans to meet some mums on Sunday with my 2 on my own, very anxious about it. Do you have any tips on how to handle it?
My CBT therapy appointment came through today so very excited to get started I really think it will make a big difference, can't believe it came through that quick, the consultant told me it would be 9 months. Between that and my meds change I hope to see some positive improvements!
Planning yoga tomorrow will let you know how it goes!
That is such great news about the CBT, I am so happy it came so quickly, great steps in your recovery journey. It is so lovely you are seeing those good days coming up, they will get much more frequent.
Totally understand the nerves about Sunday, but it will turn out better than what you anticipate, if at any point in time your little ones are demanding attention at the same time remember that you are surrounded by other mum friends so they will lend you a hand in the same way you would do with them. It is such a massive and brave step to do this, look at how far you've come in such a short time.
You are such a star, take good care, looking forward to your update on the yoga, xx
Sunday has been cancelled due to covid which is a shame because I feel like I could handle it after talking on here. They've all said they will help me out if my 2 become a handful so that would have been nice. I might go anyway with the hubby just to get out of the house.
I did a yoga session today after work and didn't nap even though I really wanted to, it was fun but tough, between down dog, 3 legged down dog and knee to elbow I was pretty tired out! It was nice to do it though I think next time I'll pick an easier practice and maybe 20 mins!!
Its a shame about Sunday, but there will be plenty of more opportunities, I tell myself is a matter of putting myself out there and that it will get much more easy the more I do it.
So good to hear about the yoga you are such a star. Hehe, I can imagine you felt the good kind of tiring, take it at your rythm, but you've got this.
When are you having your first chat with the psychologist? I feel like we are living parallel lives as I am also going to start CBT very soon.
Hope you have a lovely Friday and a great weekend ahead xx
No way really? I hope it helps you deal with everything that's gone on. I did CBT away 15 years ago but it really helped!
First chat is 16th so I'm very excited - either that or my meds change up has kicked in lol!
I'm going to do some yoga tomorrow morning for an hour but keep it beginner lol I thought I'd pick up where I left off but couldn't really hold the poses.
Take everything at your own pace, there is no need to rush anything, this is your personal journey and you are the best person to judge the rythm, holds true for yoga and your own recovery :).
Thanks, I did CBT in 2020 and 2018, I do try and put in practice what I've learned and that has been very helpful to me lately.
I feel the same excitement as it is the combination, of yes I am finally doing something for myself and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Prioritising oneself is important, when I don't do it because of lack of time or energy it comes and bites me down the line.
All the best for next week, I hope you have a lovely day out tomorrow with your family. We are all here for each other, in this lovely community
We went out on Saturday but it was just so hubby could get his booster, then he was very lethargic on Sunday so we had a lazy day indoors (well I say lazy we have 2 kids under 4)
I can definitely see light at the end of the tunnel, coming down the ladder of olanzipine is making things easier on me. I feel less tired during the day so I don't need to nap anymore.
I think you are right re: work I can't get this time again so I should take it easy and let them know if and when I'm ready to do more things. I guess I could be on the sick right now so the fact I'm not is a big win!
I love a big shower with hair mask, moisturisers and body balms - that's my self care. I can sit under a hot shower for hours and just melt my worries away. I also love a bath but the shower is more practical.
Sounds like a restorative weekend, well as much as it can be with 2 little ones as you say hope that your husband is feeling better today.
I am so pleased that the reduction in olanzapine has left you more energized, it is fantastic news that you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Bit by bit.
I love the idea of your shower ritual, that is exactly the type of thing that sets you up for the week. I always tell myself that I am going to do this or that and then I judge that I won't have the time, when it is not necessarily true, it is important to make time for it.
I hope the week is going well and that you are feeling more confident at work, building it up gradually.
Thanks for your reply it means a lot to me, sorry it's been so long it's been a week!
Things at work are going ok, I tackled something today I struggled with previously and I managed to do it so I'm happy that everyone is seeing progress including me.
The shower ritual is something I struggle to do every time I have a shower but like you say it's important to make time for it so I do try.
Building everything gradually is key isn't it? I feel like if I can put the week in and the kids had full bellies and were clean and had fun AND work didn't flag I should be doing more, then it's a win!
It's a year soon, I can't believe it, the time has just flown. Did you find the first anniversary difficult? I know it should all be about my little one but I can't help but dread memories flooding back.
Such positive news. I am so glad you are seeing the progress at work, it is an important part of ourselves.
That sounds like a really successful week to me, same should hold for you too not only the kids, so remember to have fun
Anniversaries can be tricky, please don't feel guilty about thoughts coming back as it is really normal, it does get a bit easier with time, but right now the memories are still very fresh give yourself the space when you need it. And yes, first bday is about your little one but also very importantly about celebrating how far you've come, just a year has passed and you are rocking it as a mum of 2 and working at the same time and you have survived pp. Feel proud.
Take good care and have a lovely weekend with your family, planning something nice for valentines?
Hubby doesn't do Valentines but this year I got a beautiful perfume and a lovely card so I'm very grateful!!
We went to softplay on Saturday with my 3 year old niece which was loads of fun but also a little stressful. At least we got out!
I have to take work one day at a time at the moment I'm just so worried I'm not being helpful and costing them money because I'm slower than other devs or I can't do some of the bits.
Have my CBT meeting on Wednesday so I hope I'll get help with the anxiety and depression. My moods have got better since joining this forum can't thank you guys enough for your support and responses! It's so good to know what is normal and what that means for me... the flashbacks are hard to handle!
So great to hear that you went out on Saturday although stressful I can well imagine, I hope you managed to relax when you got home; it is such a blast for the little ones, even when things don't go perfect they enjoy it so much.
It is so lovely to hear how being in the forum has helped you, it also threw me a lifeline when I have been low, as you say it makes such a difference to not feel alone.
I know that work is a source of angst at the moment, but be confident that you will go back to yourself. I heard somewhere an analogy that resonated with me: when we are recovering is like going through a tunnel we have to go through it to get to the other side, and we may be afraid to go inside worried that it is a cave but there is always an exit at the end.
I am so glad therapy is going to start soon, I had my first session last Friday and it was such a productive hour, once I started talking a lot came out that I had not explored before. I hope it is so useful for you too.
What a lovely surprise yesterday! Enjoy the love as you are such an amazing person.
Take good care and be kind to yourself this week at work, big hugs
I am feeling a lot less alone since finding the forum which is life changing really. I want to talk about what happened but to the right people as I've found already people struggle to come to terms with it.
I'm so happy your therapy went well is it CBT or something else?
Work this week has been good, I pushed a lot of things live and dealt with something I wouldn't normally have. I'm off next week for my littlest's first birthday so I'll be enjoying some well deserved down time with the family.
He's a good egg and really looks after me, it's hard to believe when I was really unwell he was my carer.
In CBT I kept saying things I said and did in 2021 scare me and the therapist said when your mind goes back there gently bring it back to 2022 with a necklace you can rub or a stone or smelling salts so I'm going to try that. Had to go over my entire history which was a bit of a challenge, so I'm worried I'm going to dwell on the past. This technique should help!
It must have been hard going over your whole history with the therapist so I hope you reward yourself with a looong shower and a lovely hair mask. You so deserve it.
What a great idea to put in practice those grounding techniques, I like to keep a bottle of essential oil in my purse, lavender is a personal favourite. When at home I also brew a cuppa of nightime tea which has a nice calming effect on me, now even hearing the kettle liberates some anxiety in me :D.
Such a lovely week ahead you have to enjoy some well deserved family time and celebrate how far you've come in such little time.
I am also so glad the week at work went so well, ending on a high you super star.
My therapy is CBT yes, thanks for asking, so we are focusing on current difficulties and behaviours but also looking into core beliefs to understand where it is coming from. I like my therapist after the first session which I think finding a good match is important. How did you find yours?
Sending you big hugs and lovely wishes for your little one's bday
Thanks for writing it's so lovely to see you've replied.
That's a brilliant grounding technique and I also love a brew so will try and drink it more mindfully thanks for the tip!
Lots of soft play this week, being off is tiring as well as rewarding. I made a tee and headband for my daughter's first birthday and felt like I was back to my normal self, it felt so good.
CBT should help me with the anxiety at work so I'm looking forward to seeing where that goes, it sounds interesting based on what you are looking into I hope you find it useful and helpful.
I'm going through a reduction of olanzipine and feel more myself being on 5mg as opposed to 20mg when I first was diagnosed.
So lovely to hear your update and that your week felt rewarding although tiring. Is the small things isn't it? that make us think, OK I can still do that and that is so me!
The first time I played a card game with my brother while still at the mbu I felt similarly to what you described, like a reencounter with oneself, and I missed myself a lot while I was unwell and recovering.
I am so glad the reduction in medication is leaving you feeling more like you, it gives such a boost, specially realising that part of our present feelings is normal recovery but it is also the side effects of medication. Both things, the plan for medication reduction and the whole recovery process take time unfortunately but you are doing tremendously well. As Lilybeth says be proud of yourself as you make us proud.
I think CBT will be so very useful to focus on anxiety particularly regarding work. I am glad you are looking forward to your sessions, although they can be tough sometimes, I always find it very powerful when I word out what I am feeling. It allows to examine our thoughts more truthfully and we can say things like I am feeling this way but I know this is my anxiety, for example, and that on its own is a really strong statement.
Take good care, it is always so lovely to chat here, big hugs, remember you are doing so so well.
This week has flown in and has been lovely, lots of soft play and visiting so it's been busy too. I had to take myself away from the kids yesterday for half an hour just because they are so full on.
I am proud of my recovery, I was chatting to my MIL about how I was and what I did/said and she said it's like night and day from where I was to now so that was lovely to hear. I don't get lost in my own thoughts lately, I've noticed it as has hubby. Thank you for being amazing at helping me through this, I really appreciate it.
I hope the CBT helps with the anxiety at work and the flashbacks because that's the main thing holding me back from being me again, the olanzipine will be gone in a week or so, so that's going to be a huge difference. I might need more mindful activities to keep me grounded but that's ok.
How long did it take you to feel 100% better? I thought this week would be hard due to the anniversary but it's ok. If my mind goes back I bring it to 2022 and find things in the room to focus on or play with my kids.
It sounds like a very busy time but lovely altogether. Well done for taking a half an hour to yourself such that you would not get too overwhelmed, it takes a lot of insight to catch these things at the right time.
I remember that in the 1st year I would think about my time as a psychiatric patient pretty much everyday, flashbacks will also come at times. It progressively got easier, it was very gradual for me and I was also measuring in terms of the feelings towards my daughter as I bonding with her was not so natural. I realised after a year and some months that I was compiling more happy memories of our time together than there were of not so great memories, so I thought less about the difficult times. I also felt that turning my experience into something positive that helped someone else was very healing.
I am glad that you are coming off the olanzapine next week, I am sure you are looking forward to not having to deal with the side effects of the medication anymore.
I am so glad you had that chat with your mother in law, sometimes we don't see the change in ourselves and it is nice when someone else recognizes how far we have come.
Take good care, hoping you are having an enjoyable weekend and that the week of work ahead continues the good note. Big hugs from a distance
That's a nice way to think of it, my grounding technique is to remind myself that I'm not in 2021 anymore I'm in 2022 and in 2022 I have a loving family with lovely memories and outings and an amazing 1 year old & 3 year old who love me unconditionally. I think the further I am away from PP the more I can see how far I've come and with CBT will be able to do more to challenge myself.
Work have tasked me with a big project for the upcoming weeks so that will be a huge deal for me, I'm not anxious because I know I'll have help but I am a little worried that I'm not good enough to do it justice.
Back to work yesterday and it has been grand, I just worry too much about how I'm going to cope if x y and z happen but it hasn't and if I broke down those thoughts the worst that can happen isn't as bad as I think.
Had a chat with a health visitor today who knew my story and said my own health visitor was so proud of me and my hubby and how far we've come. It was so lovely to hear from someone who was aware of my pp from the beginning, I felt really proud!
So lovely to hear that you felt so proud after the comments from your health visitor. Yes, you have come really far, but I do suspect that you have a hard time recognizing your own progress, it is similar to me I doubt myself on occasions so it is such a nice boost when others remind me of it.
It is so great to hear that you are approaching this big project at work in a more confident manner, is a big step forward. This cycle of anxiety you describe is so familiar, it can be exhausting to go through every eventually, but you are doing so well rationalising it and seeing even if this come to pass the consequences are not as bad as you fear them.
Take good care, I am glad that you embraced the return to work. Lots of love and have a great week
Sorry I'm only getting back now, had a bit of a nightmare with the littlest after her jabs.
I really do feel I am embracing work again, and reminding myself that a learning curve is normal after some time off in our industry. I'm still pretty anxious but the big project is going well and I've just thrown myself into it, I also got praised on Friday for rushing to fix a broken website (not broken by me) and that felt really good too.
You are doing so well, imagine that your recovery is going so well that you can take the time to write to people like me who are doubting their own recovery. You've turned that around for me and I hope you see what an asset you are
Hubby and I had a big chat the other day, he doesn't really like to talk about how it was but I needed to, so he did. Apart from scary things I said, that CBT will help me work through, he said I was just a hyper version of myself who refused to sleep, fainted loads in dangerous places and couldn't stop mothering to look after myself. It was lovely to hear actually even though a little hard to handle, I was put in the psych ward because they were worried about me fainting and knocking myself out! I feel like I can work through all this in CBT and come to terms with it now I know more.
I am so glad to hear you say that a learning curve is normal after some time away, it is so true. Well done for Friday, it is so reassuring to receive praise from your colleagues as well, but it was great of you to take the initiative and solve the problem, that shows that you are feeling more confident with the passing of time.
I am sorry to hear that your youngest had a reaction to her jabs, hope she is better now. It is hard when they are poorly and having to juggle work on top of that, but you do it, be ever so proud of yourself.
It is difficult to have that conversation about the time you were unwell, isn't it? For me is this strange feeling of not being able to remember days and weeks when I was acting and doing things out of character. I am glad it was reassuring for you to hear the account from your husband. It is not always the easiest but it is important, at least it was for me, and I am sure that with CBT you can explore it some more and as you say find peace with it. There is little we can do to change the past, but we can very much change in which colours we perceive it and the meaning and importance that we give it.
Take care Tara, all the best for this work project, I hope it reinforces your belief in yourself as a professional and you can see how far you've come.
It feels like I'm getting there, still anxious but I'm getting there, I can see progress in the past 2 months since I first joined the forum so I'd like to thank you endlessly for giving me the platform to process what's gone on and how I'm feeling now.
She's been off colour for a few days now but we think it's the cold my eldest brought home from nursery (the joys of it all) even hubby has it! I was so proud taking her for her jabs but I had to check everything over and over again before we went, just the anxiety rearing it's ugly head.
I worried that being out of character was aggressive, argumentative and horrible but after speaking with my hubby, as he tried to piece together a few days, I realised I was just me! Just a lot more talkative (I didn't shut up) and frazzled but still me. It wasn't an easy conversation but as you say it was needed and I felt better for it.
The project is going ok, I'm slow so to meet the deadline I'm getting help but my CPN said that would be the logical next step for big projects and it's not ideal for me to do it all on my own so I'm ok with getting help.
I can really see how far I've come since joining this forum, I think I need to take stock of what I've achieved in a journal or something but I don't know if I'm ready to put it all down! Did you write anywhere apart from the forum? I've been making mindmaps on my iPad for different things and found it useful to get the thoughts out of my head.
I am so sorry to hear your little ones and husband have been off, yes colds are the order of the day, it is impossible to prevent this. A colleague once told me that the silver lining is that once they are out of reception your own immune system is able to cope with anything, so there is something to look forward to :).
It is so good you recognize the achievement of taking your little one for her jabs. Yes, checking things a few times is normal as there is so much to remember, I forgot the red book recently for my son's TB jab which is about the only thing one really needs, thankfully they did not turn us back.
Journalling is a great idea, I did some of it while still an impatient and it was ever so helpful, I did not write a lot, just a few sentences about what was good on the day, some of them were I had a long shower for example, it was the small things. If I would do it again, which I am a bit tempted, I would consider doing it on my phone as you are doing. Other mums in the forum are ever so creative and go down the route of poetry.
It is good you are feeling OK with getting some help for the project, it is not always the easiest to accept, so kudos to you. I remember so well starting gradually and feeling a bit awkward as a result. It does get easier, in the winter of 2019 a colleague remarked how it had taken me 3 days to do something and how that did not seem very efficient, it hurt my feelings at the time, but just in 2020 when I came back from furlough after a couple of months they could not have been happier to see me, despite a colleague covering my position while I was away.
Brighter times are ahead, hope that you and your family see the back of this bug and are able to enjoy some of the spring that feels like it could be around the corner.
Yea I'm very slow at work atm so I get what you mean about collegues spotting it. I'm lucky enough that they all know what happened and that I'm going to be a slow and steady eddie for a while. I'm contemplating doing some work this weekend to keep to the deadlines but I'm not sure this would be good for my recovery. It's a fine balance isn't it? Stress is meant to be the worst thing for PP recovery so I need to flag to work if I feel it. Today went well, I got loads done but still loads to do.
I can't wait until their immune systems all catch up lol it seems every other week we are bringing home a cold or at least a runny nose :/
The red book is easily forgotten they can just give you a sheet to add into the book lol I forgot mine a few times and it wasn't PP related!!
I know I'll be adding "Took Maisie for jabs" to my list of achievements in my journal I do a few things on my own with the kids that I'm proud of, just not complex outings, simple wee trips to soft play with my home start volunteer but rarely to the park or shop, that's my next goal!
I feel really hopeful for the future, I hope to be back on top workwise & less anxious doing things with the kids, can't thank you enough for the support you've given me
Yes, it is always difficult to find the balance when working at the same time. I also felt the urge to work longer hours as I did not feel productive enough during the normal day, but it was really counter productive as I just ended up more tired and was less productive the following day and it just triggered an endless cycle of feeling miserable. Something that helped me was to put down realistic goals to achieve in a week, that way I felt that I could rest over the weekend as I had done what I set out to do. You are very mindful of your stress level and that is ever so important, keep that awareness as it is an excellent tool. I do sometimes fall into the exhaustion trap and my mood suffers as a result, when I could have perfectly well avoid it.
I would count going to the soft play as a big outing because it is a big deal for them and the level of noise and running around is a lot to process even if we are not conscious of it. I stress out when I take mine to it because she goes like a bullet and my second one is not even moving nevermind controlling the 2 of them like you do. It is all in progresive steps, but look how well you are doing, truly.
We have had a bit of a strange week as my eldest has been off nursery with what we thought was a cold and ended up being covid, my husband tested positive today so he has also been confined at home. It has been useful because we got through a big pile of clothes that are now too small and that we want to take to the mother and baby unit where I stayed. Haven't been there since shortly after being discharged and I hope they are open to a visit, it will be a bittersweet encounter but it is something I have had on the docket for a while, to show her the place where she spent her first months.
How are you getting on with the CBT? Are you having sessions in person or is it by video call or a mix? I hope that you are finding them useful.
Take good care, always great to chat with you, it is so lovely to read your updates, you are really amazing
I didn’t work this weekend you’ll be happy to know, I just never got around to it. It wasn’t a conscious decision, we’ve just had a lot on. I completely get what you are saying about it being counter productive, work shouldn’t leave us stressed and exhausted I hope you aren’t like that all the time!
My dad and step mum came to visit us on Friday, they’ve just got over covid so we feel your pain! I had it when I was pregnant and it was part of my unwell episodes I was so scared. Hopefully now it’s just like a bad cold or similar and you are over it quickly. What are the rules in England? In NI you have to have 2 negative LF tests in a row to leave the house.
How are you feeling about returning to the MBU? I’ve wanted to visit the maternity ward where I was admitted for a few days before my symptoms really ramped up (I was just a hyper new mum who couldn’t sit still at that time) I’m so embarrassed about how I behaved I wanted to go apologise.
CBT is going great but we haven’t started any work yet it’s all been prep and confirmation of the OCD and PTSD diagnosis, he’s lovely though and I feel I can really open up to him which is one of the hurdles isn’t it? It’s video calls but I almost prefer that as I’m not driving then waiting in a waiting room etc.
I took the 2 kids to the park beside us on my own on Friday night but it started pouring down so we had to cut it short, it was lovely to get out of the house and even though it was wet, the kids enjoyed it too. It’s another achievement for me as well, I’m with you about soft play it’s such a hectic experience I always need to centre myself when I get home lol but the kids love it and I get time to drink a hot cup of coffee so it’s a win win.
I don’t really know what recovery looks like you know, which is why I don’t believe it when you say I’m amazing sorry I just think everyone would be doing and feeling these things after a year - it’s a long time!! But thank you for being so kind to me and for your replies they mean so much
It makes me happy to read that you did not work over the weekend, our weekends get busy very quickly, just a single outing in the day takes us half an hour to get ready and that is just packing bags, negotiation and jackets and boots. Don't worry I have learned to be more conscious with my energy these days, the last time I felt really wiped out was more than 4 months ago :).
There are of course mixed feelings when revisiting places where we started to be unwell. You have nothing to apologize for as you were not yourself, and the nurses and doctors know that. I also felt some shame intially when visiting the people and places that saw me unwell, but with time I have learnt to realise that everyone was very capable of seeing the difference between the illness and me and it was actually me that was holding onto that idea of being responsible for my thoughts and actions when I was unwell.
Your park outing even if rained upon was a very good idea, kids love puddles, you tried something new and stretched yourself, very well done. I wish I had your determination today, I am still in my pjs while I write this at lunchtime.
Recovery is a long process, it took me a year and some months to feel settled back on myself, confidence comes back slowly, for me the main indicator was how the relationship with my daughter was developing as it took me a long time to feel the love for her that I feel now. Thankfully it has been different with my second one and I am so grateful for that.
Take good care out there, and hope that the work week is going well. Big hugs
Happy St. Paddy’s Day! We went to soft play which was lovely but busy!
I had such a headache on Tuesday it wouldn’t settle at all, I think it’s withdrawal from one of my antipsychotics but I’m off that particular one (Olanzapine) so that’s another hurdle yay! Did you find you had headaches coming off meds? I’ll mention it to the CPN on Monday when she calls. I’m also noticing more anxious thoughts in the past week, again think it’s my mind becoming my own again and it’s great I am not as tired and can think clearly, but the drawback is ofc handling my thoughts.
I always say “if the kids are bouncing off the walls, remove the walls” tbh it was very selfish of me taking them out, I needed to get fresh air and the house was a mess I couldn’t face. I worry a lot that my kids will remember their mother being unwell but I think they’ll remember the trips to the park more right?
Did you revisit the MBU yet? I’d love to visit the maternity ward who dealt with me just before I was very unwell, they had to handle hyper me who didn’t sleep and didn’t have thought trains I had a train wreck… I just can’t face it, what if they don’t remember me? What if they do?
Hubby just did an impression of me when I was really unwell after I asked him for an analogy to explain the lack of a train of thought (he’s a writer in his spare time) and it was really funny and very obvious something was VERY wrong. I never really understood how unwell I was but it makes perfect sense as my thoughts were scattered so of course my words would be too! I think you are right people would have realised something was wrong. It’s not like midwives haven’t heard of it.
I need to take better care of myself, I know that. How do you find time to do stuff for you when you have kids? I just don’t know how I can manage it unless it’s 830pm and by then the thought of leaving the house has long left me! I’m in bed for 930 most nights as well, kids wake us up early!
Tomorrow is Friday so the work week is nearly over and it’s been a funny one with more investigations than dev work, I’ve enjoyed it but it’s full on tomorrow so I’ll see how that goes!
I hope that your full on Friday was not too exhausting at work and that you have enjoyed a well earned weekend. We had a pretty chilled time ourselves, did not do very much but we needed a bit of time out to recover.
I did experience some headaches when coming off medication and a teensy bit of insomnia which cleared after a couple of days. I am sorry to hear you experienced headaches too, hope you are feeling better today, it is a big thing to come off it, well done you. The biggest change was to start feeling more in touch with my emotions and that has its pros and cons as you mentioned, on the one hand I found I felt much more strongly towards my daughter, but I was also more emotional as a result. It is yet another sign of you coming back, and I am pretty sure that the therapy will help with the anxiety inducing thoughts.
I have not yet made my visit. I am trying to pick a time when I am feeling stronger as to not get too rattled. I worry if there is a mum there who is as unwell as I was, would I become a slobbery mess potentially affecting her recovery? I do feel vulnerable at the moment, with everything I am reading in the news and still getting the hang of 2 children which is not an easy task and doesn't feel like it comes natural to me yet.
It is a very personal decision to revisit that part of the past, it is so natural to feel curiosity and aprehension at the same time. But I try to not look at it as a milestone in my recovery because that would only add a whole layer of significance and pressure on myself, which does not seem worth it.
I am in the same place as you as to regarding activities for myself, the most I can manage is some walks in the weekend and playing a boardgame with my brother. I have friends that swear by a gym visit at 8:30 pm, but I never found the appeal in the gym. Right now my conversation only revolves around children's stuff and that is not particularly great. I am just holding hope that it gets easier as they grow and I have started to do a bit of journalling as the me activity while in bed at the end of the day.
Hope you enjoy the remain of the weekend, I don't know if it is starting to feel springy in NI, the temps seem to be going up next week so fingers crossed it is around the corner.
My Friday went really well thanks, I always have a few hours on a nice little project on a Friday so I really enjoy it. We didn’t do too much at the weekend either, just the essential grocery shop to lidl with the baby trolley for my toddler lol.
I feel since coming off the olanzapine that I’m thinking a lot more if that makes sense, like tedious links in my brain but not always scary or anxiety provoking. Some of my OCD thoughts are distressing but I ground myself and try to get my thoughts under control which is working. I know they mentioned that coming off the anti psychotics would leave me open to unhelpful thoughts but CBT should help me handle my reaction to them.
I think you are right, you need to be in the right frame of mind to make the visit. I’m not sure if I’m there yet myself, I’m back at the psych ward on Monday for a consultant appointment so I was thinking I might nip in and see if the sister is there. She was amazing and so nice, she took me for a walk to the shop one day and bought me a coffee and a starbar lol!
Journalling is a nice way to get some me time, I haven’t been able to since I was unwell but that’s something CBT should help me with, it’s one of my goals to enjoy creative journalling again. I used to love art journalling. I guess I need to decide when I can do things for me and just do them! I work until 1pm and then hubby works at 5pm so there is time during the day to visit a gym or go for a walk it’s just finding the energy. I’ll get there in my own time, no point rushing my recovery for the sake of a few hundred steps.
I took the kids to soft play today in my hometown (30mins away) to meet a friend and her 2 and even though I was so anxious going I really enjoyed it, I think that’s more important (making memories) than spending an hour or two trudging up noisy streets with loads of traffic.
I quite like what Lilybeth said about us being Giants (like the song) so I’m going to sign off GIANT hugs
So great to hear from you. I am glad Friday went well and that you spent some hours in a project you really like. I always felt so much better ending the week on a high.
Quiet weekends are really lovely. I am glad you got to catch up with your friend. It does make such a difference to have some adult conversation aside from work, and I am sure the little ones loved it. Well done you for a 30 min drive with the 2 strapped to the back, that is not an easy feat, feel proud of it.
It is really lovely of you wanting to say thanks to the sister in the maternity ward, she will appreciate it so much to know that her actions made a difference for you.
Those are lovely ideas, creativity is such a great tool, there is something healing about pouring yourself over a project.
Signing out with big hugs too, hope you have a great week xxx
Things have been tough this week so sorry for not getting back sooner. I feel like I've missed so much in the industry the past year that I have a huge learning curve in front of me. The big project I was on, is done and I completely question the quality of my work, which I've never done before. It's getting me down and making me dread work.
I'm also struggling with anxiety around driving, which is also getting me down. My mum is in hospital in Belfast and I can't visit her because the drive on my own terrifies me.
I know I've done so well and reading back how positive I've been it's hard to write about negativity but I feel I'm struggling a lot!
Regarding work, I spoke to my boss on Thursday and he's arranging one to one calls with other devs to critique my work and hopefully put my mind at ease. I've also been training in work and in the evenings when I have a free minute so I know the desire is there.
I have a consultant app tomorrow and I've a feeling I'll be going back on olanzapine or something similar, I think since I've been off them I've had a lot more raw emotion which is also maybe why I'm struggling.
I am so sorry to hear that you have had a rough week and that your mum is in hospital in Belfast.
Regarding work I think it is a good idea to hear some one to one feedback. I know for myself when I am down in the dumps I am not objective and everything I do feels wrong, rushed, not up to standards. Sometimes it is helpful to put some measures in place to give me confidence, I do more unit testing, I ask some of the testers to be very thorough in a particular area where I feel it could be weak, and ask for code reviews from the more experienced guys. It is hard not to take it personally as it is your work and in a way feels like your little baby. Perhaps be mindful that you are currently in not the right frame of mind to criticise your own work, as you may be unduly hard.
It is difficult when things have move forward so much while you were away, and anyone who was off for a long stretch like you, are faced with a steep learning curve at their return. This is hard for anyone regardless of having had a baby and pp on top. It does not mean you cannot get to that point in time, but allow yourself some kindness along the way when you don't yet have all the answers.
Do you have a good friend living nearby that could come with you to visit your mum? I don't drive myself but I completely understand the anxiety about a long journey on your own on the motorway. Or could you ask perhaps the lovely home start volunteer?
I am sending you massive hugs, I hope the review with the consultant goes well, if you feel that a medication change is needed at this point raise it with him, it took me more than a year to come off the antipsychotic I think that is very standard. Take good care
That’s a great idea, this week has been mainly training but everything else I’ve done I hope to be reviewed so the lead dev can flag if I could have done things differently. The problem is there are many different ways to build sites, they all look the same to the user but the best practices my company expects are the most recent, which I’ve missed out on and didn’t realise. I’ll get there I just need some help.
I’m trying to compassionately bring myself back to the present when my mind spirals but it’s not easy. The CBT homework for the next 2 weeks is to try and not ruminate, seek reassurance and check more than once. I have to analyse my anxiety levels and observe them going down over time with no action. It’s a bit scary but should help me regain control of my thoughts rather than let them control me.
I ended up not going to visit my mum at the weekend. The anxiety of driving somewhere I’ve never driven before (after PP) completely floored me and it was Mother’s Day which I wanted to spend with my kids as last year I was in the psych ward for Mother’s Day and don’t remember seeing them at all! It was a hard day, but I got through it hugging my family and eating a lot of gifted chocolates! How was your Mother’s Day?
Review with the consultant well really well, he’s happy with the meds and wants me to realise how far I’ve come (like you all) because he’s delighted of my progress and sees no signs of anything underlying that would be deemed serious.
Hubby found me a spin bike on facebook marketplace and I’ve just completed my first session. My legs are like jelly but I feel so good. I think my mental health will benefit from some exercise in the evenings, and it fits in my garden office so it's not in the way.
Those are all positive steps, I like the sound of the stationary bike, massively well done you and to your hubby for scouring the internet in search for something that will make you feel really good. Legs like jelly
I am so pleased that the chat with the consultant went well and that he can see how much progress you've made, I know that thinking it and believing it sometimes feel like 2 different things, but I hope that in time you will see it as easily as everyone else does.
It sounds like a great idea to have the lead dev going over your work with you, what you describe is the normal steep learning curve that anyone that has been away for a year will experience. With the right coaching and training it will be second nature for you again.
My CBT is also focused on the anxiety cycles and how to learn to endure the peak anxiety for a while and not avoid the situation. An admin in this forum has shared a link to a you tube video where a CBT therapist explains intrusive thoughts and OCD. There is a whole list of videos, and they are explained in a clear and simple way. Here is a link to one of them on habituation:
Your Mothers Day sounds just like what you needed, it can't be easy when such an emotionally charged date coincides with a time when we were unwell. It can be very triggering, so yet another example of your resilience on making a lovely day out of it! I remember something a psychiatrist in the mbu once said to me, this time despite how hard and terrible it is for you will be so short when you see it in the context of your life and the life of your children. So here is to the many lovely memories of Mothers Days lurking in the future.
Take good care Tara, hope you enjoy your weekend and get some well earned rest. Sending love and giant hugs
I’m starting to realise it was such a short time in the grand scheme of things and it’s not really changed anything between my kids and I except my disappointment at not being able to breastfeed, everything else has fallen into place and the kids don’t remember I was away from them for such a long period. I guess I worried a lot that they would treat me differently so it’s a big relief to see them as attached to their mother as they should be (sometimes too much lol!)
I’ve done well on the big project I was on and even though I don’t need reassurance and shouldn’t request it, the project manager assured me the client was delighted with the work so that’s a big plus for me this month.
Thanks so much for the video I’ll take a look at them as soon as I can, they look really interesting so thank you for those!
I took the kids on my own the other day for a walk along a riverbank and it was seriously lovely (except when the eldest had a tantrum because he didn’t want to go home!) I think with anxiety recovery pushing yourself to do things you aren’t comfortable with is key, and like you say dealing with the anxiety peak knowing it will come down on its own.
The bike is going well, I’m managing 10k a night with my 90s club music tunes on full blast. I really enjoy it and it doesn’t feel like a chore, just somewhere to clear my head. My moods have also increased but I’m not sure if that’s the exercise or the fact work is going well.
Thank you for the kind words every time I post something they really have helped me come out of my shell and interact with the world again, when I first got out of hospital I didn’t think I’d ever be normal again but lately I’m seeing more me and less PP recovery, which I think is amazing.
Sounds like you had a lovely week full of positives, at work and in your personal life as well.
Congratulations on your project. I think it is a nice boost to be reminded of how good you are, specially when we are feeling out of sorts and tend to be very self critical. Positive feedback like this starts to build your confidence back up again, so it is very useful indeed.
Amazing on the bike! So very well done that this has become your thing and that it doesn't feel like a chore at all. 10 K is a lot. I am so glad you feel proud of it.
That sounds like a lovely outing, when they cry because they don't want it to end is a great sign. Still tantrums are frustrating so I hope you rewarded yourself with a nice cup of tea.
I do so enjoy our chats and reading your updates, it brings a smile to my face. You are doing so so well, giant hugs. Take good care
I’m really doing well at the minute it’s such a relief. Things had been so bad that to see it turn around as quickly as it has is just amazing!
I start a new project tomorrow with a brand new framework our company has built and I’m excited but also a little apprehensive at the thought of starting something so new. I’m not on my own this time but have a lead dev so hopefully he’ll review my code and keep me right. I’m so glad I’ve been honest with everyone I work with because they know I’m anxious and why and are so thoughtful and helpful towards me it makes it so much easier to ask for help.
I hope you had a lovely Easter, we didn’t get up to much ourselves because hubby and I felt drained the past 2 days. We ended up chilling with the tv today and it was lovely.
My kids are both so clingy to me at the minute and it’s hard to find time for me during the day so I make a point of knowing the spin bike downtime is coming and change into my exercise clothes before the kids go to bed. It helps keep me focused and knowing there is a time limit on their clinginess makes it more manageable. Funny I used to worry about them not knowing me because I was away from them for so long (mentally and physically) but they both need their mama.
I designed a t-shirt the other day first time in a long time I’ve made myself anything and I love it (unicorn with “training to be a unicorn” on it) I can’t wait to make some more maybe even make some stuff for the kids (I used to design dinosaur themed clothes for my little boy because the stuff out there was all cute names rather than actual dinosaur names and it bothered me - Pizza-saurus, Cutie-saurus, etc) clothes are better now though with actual dino names about. Still it’s something I’d like to do.
I love our chats too, I really feel it’s helped me so much and your support has been invaluable to me.
It has been really quickly Tara indeed. You are doing so so well and are an example to other mums about how it is possible to overcome this illness and enjoy life again.
It sounds like the exercise bike is working its magic. You are right, looking forward to your "me time" is so invaluable, I am so happy you have found that time of the day.
What a lovely thing to do for yourself and your children! Yes, I also get a bit annoyed about certain children's clothes trends. We go to the boys section for my daughter many times as she loves ocean animals and dinosaurs and you don't always get that selection in the girls.
We also had a quiet Easter, it had been a couple of weeks with the 2 of them, so I was feeling a bit more tired than normal. We went to my in laws on Sunday and did an Easter Egg Hunt in the garden. She had lots of fun in the paddling pool too with her cousin.
Hearing you talking about work so confidently is really inspiring. Yes, you are never alone and it is possible to get help when you need it. It must not have been easy to discuss your anxiety and pp with your colleagues, I for one did not feel ready to disclose it at work, I am not as brave as you. They must really appreciate you being transparent and forward with them.
All the best on this week ahead, hope that it all goes well at work and at home. Giant hugs
Aw your Easter sounds perfect just what you needed but I can imagine spending 2 weeks with two fun kids would be tiring I hope you got some time to yourself.
Going to the boys section is a really good idea! Girls stuff always has frills and edgings that are unnecessary and don’t wash well, surely navy leggings are gender neutral lol!! I see more dino names nowadays so I think they are evolving and I have seen some dino stuff in the girls section of H&M if you like that shop?
I must admit telling people in work is hard but so important. I find that my confidence is still holding me back, but I asked for a code review on Friday and the only thing wrong was a section name so that’s spurred me on a lot! I’m also doing some courses in the evenings (after spin) to catch up with the rest of the dev world.
Thank you for your kind words, I really do feel a lot more me lately and I’m doing things in spite of intrusive thoughts and anxiety which is something I couldn’t have done 3 months ago! The spin bike is only part of the change in mindset but an important part! I feel so energised after doing my 30mins, but it’s not for everyone - hubby finds it boring and sore! It’s a tad sore when you first get on but you get used to it lol!
How has your week been? Is everyone back to school now? I find being out of routine the hardest thing about being off!!
Yes. I go to H&M for many things, and I have managed to get a pink dinosaur jumper from there :). It is getting better, definitely. It still bothers me that when I search for dinosaur toy it auto suggests "for boys" . I hope it will be better by the time my daughter has children of her own.
I agree that the exercise is having a real positive impact on your mood. When I had depression in 2015 (unrelated to childbirth) running was sometimes the only thing I would look forward to in my day and sometimes just having that one thing can bring me out of a rut.
Amazingly done at work, you go from strength to strength, and really well done for catching up with courses in the evenings. It shows that the low energy you previously had was in part the medication, and with that one thing less you are going back to yourself! You are truly inspirational, believe it.
Hope the week is going well for you, yes going back to the routine is difficult for everyone. I am not particularly good with routine and sometimes fly by the seat of my pants, so it feels like starting to exercise again after a long break.
I had some good news this week and my preventative dose of olanzapine has been halved and I am feeling less like a zombie in the mornings. I will probably stay on this low dose for a while still just to be safe, but it is progress.
Take good care lovely, sending you giant hugs back xx
I signed up for Miles for Mums in May!! 10k a day on my bike and my fundraiser has already exceeded it’s target so I’m so excited. Did my first 10k today after a boozy bar bike hen do around Belfast yesterday so I’m feeling pretty tender today.
Pink dino jumper! A dream come true I’ll have to take a look for my littlest one she’d love that (she’s 1 so she won’t care) but I will!
I think with work I’ve really noticed that even though I don’t know everything everyone else knows (I assume they know) I’m prepared to look it up and get the work done so that’s really spurred me on. The next time I’ll be quicker because I’ve done it this way the first time. When something is done right I should be able to lift the code and put it straight into new projects.
I hope you are feeling the benefit of the Olanzapine reduction, it was one of the meds that knocked me for six when I was on the really high dose, it’s shocking to think the side effects are acceptable when you have little ones to look after. Wishing you all the best with the reduction and hope you really notice a difference!
That is so amazing! I'll look for your fundraiser page. I hope you know how incredible you are, your family must be so proud of you, as we all here are.
You are spot on with work, you can build on from previous work and it all gets faster. I have been reading at CBT about some unhelpful thinking habits and one of them is called compare and despair and as the name says we look at others output and think I would never be able to do it as well or I am so useless in comparison. I do fall for that as well very often. When I notice I am doing it, I switch it a bit and say "I am having a thought that they have it all figured out and I don't". So it becomes an opinion rather than a fact, and that helps me.
I hope the week ahead continues from strength to strength, you are a super star, take good care
I love that thought analogy you have I too have some techniques to try and get my thoughts under control, not under control the whole thing about OCD is that we pay too much attention to our thoughts but anyway... There is Theory A and Theory B, I have shared an image of my notes from that session explaining it. When I was starting CBT I struggled with all my thoughts being Theory A but now I realise they are more Theory B which is lovely to see the switch. (Maisie is my youngest)
He is going into detail of the trauma to try and help me deal with it in the coming weeks so that will be interesting.
Thank you for your kind words - I'm a week in now and look forward to the me-time on the bike for such a good cause. You don't need to donate don't worry, I'd hate for anyone to feel pressure to donate.
Take care and giant hugs
T xoxo
We should live 70% of my time in the present and only 15-30 in the past or future
So lovely to hear your update and that you are seeing so much progress with CBT.
It is interesting how we are so mindful about the relationship with the offspring after whose birth we were unwell. That's perhaps why mums who have experienced pp are amongst the most caring ones and develop such strong bonds with their children.
Oh please it will be my pleasure to help you with your fundraising, don't deny me that :). You can DM if you would like, no pressure.
I hope the next sessions on trauma, although as hard as it may be to go through things in the past, will also be useful. Lots of pampering as needed.
The weather has made a turn at this end, I hope you are able to enjoy a bit of early summer. We took the kids to a fun fair yesterday and they had a blast.
I did a questionnaire yesterday about my OCD and I really noticed a huge difference from when I first filled it in. The CBT has really helped me as have you lovely ladies, I really feel more me every day.
I didn't know that about mums who were unwell isn't that so nice! I was so worried about not having a bond with my youngest because I couldn't breastfeed and wasn't there to do skin to skin (mentally wasn't there even if I was in the room) but like I've said before, she looks for me wherever I am and loves to be in my arms it feels so special after what happened it really does.
My link is justgiving.com/fundraising/... thank you very much, don't be going crazy or anything people have been so kind donating what they can.
The CPN told me not to make a crazy target but I reached it in 2 hours!! The support has just been incredible.
We had rain today and I was in the middle of a walk with the 2 kids alone so I took them to soft play ALONE! I'm so proud of myself considering I couldn't even drive to soft play to meet my home start volunteer not 8 months ago! It really feels like a turning point - now I just need to take them to Tesco on my own - might give that one a few weeks.
The funfair sounds lovely! My eldest would love that but I don't think I'd cope well in that busy loud atmosphere it feels very overwhelming, how did you cope?
Trauma CBT next Wednesday but I've done a few questionnaires as homework and the trauma of what happened is still very fresh so hoping to work on that. Even though, thanks to you I don't feel as embarrassed by my actions in the maternity ward I still have to process it all.
So great to hear your update, it makes me so happy how positive you are feeling now.
A massive well done for soft play, it is a huge thing to manage it while being outnumbered and at ages when they can't go together yet. I am so glad you see the massive progress and difference you have made.
Waiting for the supermarket trip is wise, me and my husband together struggle on that one together. I don't know if it is the open space or the lights or what but it makes my eldest run wild. We have to make her participant and to find us the items, but it does not always works, so we do home delivery now :).
Be very compasionate to yourself on your next CBT sessions and perhaps have a treat at the end of the hour. Specially as some things are fresh in the mind and can stir very raw memories.
Funfair was good, yes I can't do more than an hour, the music is so loud and the lights. We went with my sister in law and her family and we were all feeling the sensory overload when back at home. I was also so proud of my daughter as she scoot for a mile each way! 2 months ago she will hand me back the scooter when going to the shops around the corner.
Giant hugs Tara, you are going from strength to strength, I am so happy you are feeling more you everyday
Thanks so so much for the donation that was far too much I'm honestly choked up! I can't thank you all enough for the support and compassion I've found here, it's just been life changing I really mean that. When someone said you will get better all those months ago I didn't believe it but now I'm really feeling it, not there yet but getting there and that's all that matters.
That's so good of your daughter to scoot! My son wants to but always gives up and makes me carry it so I completely get your excitement!
I think for me, the sensory overload thing is quite challenging, I went with my hubby to see Ed Sheeran on Friday and felt very anxious about it. It turned into an incredible night but could have gone either way with a big crowd like that. I think with my own personal anxiety, I'm starting to realise its fear of the unfamiliar rather than fear of the future. Once you do something more than once it becomes less scary, regarding the soft play, I literally had no choice it was either that or we got soaked so I thought of my babies first and I guess some magic happened when I got out of my own head.
When we take our kids to the supermarket hubby and I ask our eldest to find us stuff in a certain colour - it helps a lot, I don't know if I'm brave enough to go alone just yet but it's on the cards for the next challenge that's for sure.
I think CBT this week will be finishing off the OCD before we move onto PTSD but you are right there needs to be a lot of compassion there. I'm trying to think positively about it, the therapist will keep me grounded when I "go back" which I always find manageable so hoping we can get to the bottom of some of my flashbacks and trauma.
I am so glad you went to the concert on Friday and that it turned out to be a great night out. Yes, the crowds are nerve racking and it is so very common to feel that way. It is interesting what you mention about the fear of uncertainty and how once you are familiar with the situation the anxiety reduces. I certainly experience that, and there are times in my life when I can face a new thing more easily because I am able to see parallels with other situations I have overcomed. I know what is expected of me and that is half the battle already. But when my perfectionistic voice is very loud I set myself unrealistic targets and fret about never meeting them.
That's really good advice for the supermarket run, we may apply it this weekend as hubby is planning to prepare a veggie curry. Looking forward to it!
It is great you are able to close up the chapter on OCD with the CBT, it is an achievement that you have come so far in just a few months, massive congratulations.
You also have a fantastic week sending you giant hugs
I’m just back from an amazing wedding and day after do so I’m pretty shattered but still I cycle. Nearly done with the 10k a day! I might keep it up though because I love how my mental health has changed since I got the bike, it’s just fantastic!
Thats a good idea to see parallels, I have a farm trip in June with my friends and their kids but the last one I had with them didn’t go that well - I survived but barely it was a pretty nerve wracking experience where my eldest was running wild and my youngest was refusing milk, crying non stop and being out of sorts. I wasn’t going to go but maybe I need to just to prove to myself that I’m different now and my kids are able to enjoy days out like this with just me. I don’t know I’ll see how I feel closer to the time, I’d love to see them all again though!
I think you and I are very similar in that we do set targets for everything then berate ourselves if we fall short, that’s something I’m hoping I can work through in therapy. My CPN was very good at helping me realise my mental health is more important than anything else. I hope you realise that as well, sometimes if it costs us our mental health it’s too expensive.
How was the veggie curry? Does your hubby cook often? My hubby used to be a chef so he cooks a lot and it’s always incredible HOWEVER he hates it lol. I used to cook a lot more but I had a bad experience with an ex that put me off so I only really cook for myself and the kids (waffles in the toaster counts right :P)
How lovely that you are back from a wedding this weekend. It can be exhausting, I am sure you will sleep like the dead tonight.
I am so glad the bike has had such a positive impact on your mental health! It is something to look forward to everyday and that can change the outlook completely.
I think it is a good idea to be flexible about the trip in June, could be a fun time for them and yourself if you can catch up with friends. We all have days off and trips can very well go one way or another with little ones. If things don't go to plan that is not a reflection of you as a parent. It is unfortunately part of the job that we can't control sometimes. Toddlers have ears as ornaments on their heads, and babies refusing to eat in a new environment with unfamiliar smells is not unheard of. Pat yourself on the back that everyone made it back safe and sound and that was thanks to you. You are made of stronger stuff than you give yourself credit for.
Yes, you are quite right, we have that personality trait in common and can work so much against you. I have been exploring it in my CBT work. So far the best way I've found to quieten down that perfectionistic voice that berates me is to say, that is just an opinion and not a fact. The perfectionist in me is a part of me at the end of the day and so it is subjective not objective. The message is slowly getting to me. I hope the same goes for you and you are able with the help of CBT to be kinder to yourself when your targets are not met.
I usually take over in the kitchen, although I am not too creative, got a few reliables that I fall back onto. But hubby did a tomato curry yesterday that was very tasty indeed. Waffers on the toaster totally counts, I have presented rolled up ham, carrot battons and humus to my eldest and she did not complain.
Lovely Tara, it's so nice to hear from you. Have a great week and hope it goes very well both at work and home. Giant giant hugs
Just saw that the cafe group for NI is coming up soon. Hope that you are able to find kindred mums a bit closer to home, if you are planning to join. The cafe group has helped me inmensely, I look forward to the day when I get the date on my calendar. Writing is really therapeutic, but so is talking about our experiences or whatever you fancy on the day.
Take good care, hope that the week is going well. Giant hugs.
I'm all signed up and really excited, I hope there will be a good turnout! I found myself talking quite a lot to the CPN the other day so I agree with you that talking in the right environment helps immensely. I watched a few videos hubby had of me being unwell again and I'm not sure how I felt about them... it was sad watching her being so unwell and scared, but also great pride in how far I've come and the fact I could still be there!
Last weekend floored me but this weekend we've been shopping, out for a lovely park walk and today hope to visit another park when the littlest one wakes up from her nap.
I think if they are still going I'm going to attempt the farm trip on Thursday and hope my kids make it easier than normal for me. Hubby could do with a break and I haven't seen my friends since before Christmas. Thanks for the encouragement, I guess if it doesn't work out I can leave quite easily.
My challenge is nearly over and I have to say I'll miss it, I've really enjoyed raising money for a good cause and cycling every day really has changed up my mental health in a great way! I would encourage anyone to give daily exercise a go I really would.
So nice to hear you and hubby both enjoy being in the kitchen, I used to cook a lot but haven't really since my eldest was born, he's such a fussy eater it drives me a bit potty so I got fed up cooking lovely risottos and Bolognese's for him. My youngest eats similar things to him and throws everything else on the floor so I don't really experiment any more. Anything for a quiet life right? I'll try them with food when they are older and less likely to throw it on the floor -.-
How was your week? I shared my story with Ellie at APP for the NI campaign so I'll be interested to see if you read it and your thoughts, had to share a wee pic too but I have like 2 from the early early days where I'm not in my pjs so I went with one of those. It's so sad to think I don't remember posing for pics with my littlest new born but there are plenty now so I count my blessings.
How was the park on Sunday? We have not have great weather this half term. Yesterday our lovely children's centre organized a farm to come over to the field of the neighbour school, my eldest was delighted running from pen to pen. Being rained upon didn't take away from the fun. Made it home wet and tired but well worth it.
I am hoping that all goes well on Thursday and you have some fun, they are a year older and some may say wiser :).
I know what you mean by picky eaters. Weaning is a tricky subject in our house. No child of mine has swallowed a homemade puree. I disguise it and give it to them as a pancake or a meatball, but then of course almost all of it ends on the floor. For them it is something between playdough and food. I breathe and say, food is fun, food is fun.
You have done so so well in your challenge, I can't say how proud I am of you. It is amazing the benefit of daily exercise as you say, really a game changer.
Watching videos when you were unwell must have been quite challenging. I hope you pampered yourself after it because it stirs a lot inside. It is so incredible and encouraging that you can see how far you have come and to appreciate how you could still be there despite being so unwell. You are made of incredible tough stuff, 100%.
It is difficult to come to terms with the memory gaps. For me the one I regret the most is not remembering when my daughter came to join me in the mbu, but I have such tender pictures despite the dishelved look that I treasure.
I was looking for your story on the APP page but I couldn't find it. Do you mind posting the link for it? I will so much love to read it. I have not felt ready to share my story yet, something in me tells me that I have not reach the end of it still 3.5 years on, but I am certainly pretty close to finishing that chapter of my life now that I've got some answers to questions I have always had in the back of my mind.
Lots of love Tara and giant hugs. Hope that your Jubilee weekend is throughly enjoyable.
Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply I’ve had a hard time, I probably should have reached out but you know how it is, we retreat into ourselves.
The farm was a disaster and questioned my ability to parent alone, it was so stressful and my eldest run rings around me the entire time, he was a wee monkey! After that I did a story for UTV (I’m Hannah) and I felt so strong and powerful but also really drained afterward. I didn’t realise sharing so much emotionally would take it out of me.
My CPN said I was really brave and did a wonderful job portraying how scary our thoughts can be and that I should be proud because I took back my story and strength, that comforted me a lot!
I’m sorry to say I haven’t been cycling and really noticed the difference but it’s just been one thing after another and I haven’t been able to get out there and just do it! We’re just getting over a sickness bug so when everything is back to normal I’ll take a step into it again, I hate to say it but I think my personality is all or nothing so it’s a big task for me to dip my toe, I don’t know how to!
My story hasn’t been shared yet, I think they are waiting for the right time. You need to give yourself time and patience, when you are ready to share it, if you want to, you will. I find myself always asking my hubby “what happened here” and “when did I say this?” and “how did you cope when”. I think it’s hard for him because I always have questions, I can’t help it that’s why they filmed me. They knew I would struggle with it all and needed answers as well as support and proof I wasn’t what I dreaded I was.
My two have got worse with food since being sick, it’s toast or nothing at the minute! I hope they’ll get their appetite back soon because it’s really upsetting to make a decent meal and see it all on the floor. Even if food is fun (which I agree with) I hate waste and our dogs are getting fat!!
I’m on annual leave this week so I hope to do some nice things, I’m meeting a friend for lunch today on my own which will be lovely. The weather isn’t great so I don’t plan on doing too much outside but soft play is always a welcome escape for the kids. What do you do with yours when the weather is bad?
GIANT Hugs (I feel I need one more atm so thank you for writing and sorry for the late response)
You don't need to be sorry at all, please! You write here if and when you want to, only when it is helpful. I do so understand that retreat when we are not feeling our best, I feel like I don't want to load other people with my worries, however people like to and feel good when helping.
I am so sorry that the farm was stressful, well done you for braving it, please try and not make any judgement on the back of it because it is not fair on you. You are an incredible parent to your 2 children, full of love for them. They are lucky to have you as their mum. And remember how you put them to bed every night, feed them, make them feel safe and loved. Parenting is a really tough job, try not to be overwhelmed by your perfectionistic voice, because it really gets on the way of the great job you are already doing.
It was really empowering to hear your interview, you are doing such amazing things to raise awareness, it must have taken quite a bit from you to go over the events of last year. Give yourself a warm embrace full of compassion for the great person that you are and for the tough times you have been through.
How was the NI cafe group? I heard there were lots of mums signed up for it. Tonight is the London's one and I am keen to join, connection is so important, it recharges me.
Take really good care, many many giant hugs, remember what an incredible person you are and how much you care for your family.
Thank you so much for your lovely message, I feel so empowered after talking to you and Lilybeth you have a gift! It was a bit of a challenge but I felt really comfortable being anon and knew the story itself would be told well so that put me at ease. It was hard telling my story and seeing the shock of the reporter because I’d forgotten how others react to it, I’ve bored my family & friends discussing it which has been therapy for me lol but I’m not sure how they feel about it!
I love my kids so much but needing a break from them (although normal) always feels like I’m a failure, like I can’t cut it. It’s hard but I need to be out and about with them and their behaviour at the minute isn’t amazing. I’m not blaming myself though - took them out for lunch with the hubby last weekend and enjoyed it so there are still really good days!
The NI cafe group was amazing and so lovely to connect with mummy’s who “get it” in “person” but I felt emotionally drained afterwards and some of the stories where so sad I struggled a little. Next time will be better, it was just because this time around we all wanted to share our stories which can be a big shock to some of us.
I did my CBT reliving this week, it was really hard but we identified a few hotspots relating to my PP that we are going to look into in more detail. Mainly being away from my kids and being unable to be their mother for the time I wasn’t myself. The guilt I feel around that is something I need to work on.
I hope you had a lovely weekend and are enjoying time with your family, making amazing memories. I feel like I have even though I’m on my own with the kids as hubby is at a stag do. My family and friends have been fantastic keeping me occupied so I don’t struggle too much. We baked lovely lemon squares tonight which are lingering in my fridge now, I’m trying to keep them for hubby on Monday but they taste soooo good!
Sorry it has taken me a while to reply to you. Such busy weeks and challenging too, but a bit cathartic at the end I imagine. I know what you mean when you say that you forgot how others react to it, and seeing shock in other people's faces can be shaking. So many of the thoughts and ideas when unwell you mention in your interview were so close to my own. I guess this is a bit of how you felt when sharing your stories in the NI cafe group. In my first cafe group I mostly listened and was amazed at the parallels between our experiences, that was when I truly realised this illness could happen to anyone and there was nothing I could really have done to prevent it. In a way I internalised that I could not blame myself or anyone for it anymore.
I subscribe to the idea that I am a better mum when I have missed my children during the day. Then the moments I am with them become more special and precious and enjoyable as a result, and I like to think more memorable for them as well as for me. I don't like to draw comparisons between parenting styles, because it can be quite unfair, but I can't help remembering the way I was parented when I am parenting. My mum was a stay at home mum and I have very little recollection of playing and doing activities with her as a child. My aunt (who worked as a head teacher) on the other hand, figures very prominently in my early memories as she will take us to school, after school activities, holidays, the cinema, parks, etc. I know my point of view is entirely subjective, as all opinions are, but I am more energetic, willing to engage in silliness, understanding and compassionate when my cup is fuller, and working and doing things for me helps me fill that cup up.
How was CBT last week? I hope that you are being extra gentle with yourself after tough sessions, but by the sound of it you are getting a lot from it, which is the most important thing. Such an inspiration that you are engaging so much.
That weekend sounds so lovely, baking is a pleasure for me too, although I don't do it that much and I am an absolute mess at decorating. I did lemon drizzle traybake for the girls at my daughter's childminder. Today will be their last day together as she is moving to nursery in September. She is well adaptable but it is going to be sad to not see her friends every day and the childminder who has been with her since she was 8 months old. Will take it slowly and keep playdates and birthdays in the horizon. But it is a transition that will take its time.
Take good care, dear lovely Tara, I am sending you giant giant hugs
I've been reading through the thread and can not believe it has been such a long time ago since I have replied.
The correspondence amongst the three of you has been of such supportive nature and I must say Tara, you've been working so incredibly well on your self healing. I am so happy that you can write things of your chest and speak about your emotions with likeminded women and health professionals. Wonderful that you can participate in the Café and learn from and talk about life experiences, because of PPP and other obstacles in life.
Sending hugs and much love to the three of you xxx
I have to say the support I've received from all of you has been invaluable, I know I'm incredibly lucky to find APP and have that connection there with other mums who 'get it'.
how are you? Thank you for your kind response. I am doing fine, thank you. Meaning I have enough coping mechanisms in place to enjoy life with my big and little men.
I am so happy for you that you experience the NI café, So pleased that APP makes a mark in your locality.
You write beautifully and eloquently and sound very creative. I enjoy painting as a therapeutic tool. Maybe we could talk creativity/art one day in the one to one chat room.
Life is busy as the Summer holidays for my nearly 12 year old has begun and I get incredibly excited, because my mum and aunt are coming to see me in the UK. It has been 4 years for my mum and 3 years for my aunt. We went to Europe before Covid started. My family is all over EU and the far East.
I think healthy coping mechanisms are essential to good mental health so well done on picking up on those, I hope you’ve had a lovely summer.
The Cafe is still only on zoom but that suits me otherwise I don’t think I’d be able to go unless hubby and the kids all went, I don’t know my anxiety has eased a lot so I might be able to - but I need to practice driving more to get comfortable behind the wheel again.
I’ve started to take up resin craft again, I got a kit when I was pregnant but the fumes are bad for you so it sat dormant, it’s been great fun picking up projects lately. I’ve also got into doing my nails with gel polish and nail art. What painting do you do? I love watching portrait and landscape artist of the year and Bob Ross those are my fav art shows lol.
I’m sure you can’t wait to see your mum and aunt, covid took so much from us all I hope you have a wonderful time together and make amazing memories. Where about in Europe where you? We are looking at holidays at the minute for 2023 but not sure where to go, we all need some sun, sand and surf!
Giant hugs, thanks for being patient with me regarding my reply, things have been so good but also so busy! I'm struggling to find the time to sit at my laptop these days!
Don’t worry I’m the same, things are amazing at the minute but with that comes with a busier diary and less time to write on here, tonight I sit while my hubby is at a work party and I can’t help but feel like he really deserves it! He was away for the stag and it was fine, I coped all weekend and even had fun so I feel more able to take on things that would have been such a challenge straight after my episode. He just doesn’t get out much and spends all day with the kids then all evening in work.
We had another NI cafe group the other night and it was lovely, same girls (some missing due to hols) chatting about anything and everything but also PP, I definitely feel everything is going really well for us at the minute.
My mum worked when I was small and my granny was involved in childcare, I have such fond memories of baking, and painting and crafts, I think that’s where my love of activities comes from - we rarely watched tv at her house (only 4 channels!) I definitely feel my parenting style is more along those lines which is lovely although TV features a lot in our days too! Last night we had an assault course where the living room floor was lava, loads of fun even the littlest one wanted to get involved!
CBT hasn’t happened since my reliving, he’s got covid unfortunately. I’m keen to get working on what we discovered with my session but I also feel a lot of what happened has slotted into place in my brain as well, like you say nothing could have prevented it and I was in the right place for the help I required.
I hope your little one isn’t too sad about the childminder and is looking forward to school and the adventures that will bring, it’s so nice to see they’ve got an attachment though (means they were happy there) and hopefully they can keep in touch.
I met the mat ward aux nurse in Lidl the other day (the one I was really REALLY embarrassed about) and she was lovely, I told her I had PP and she said she never suspected anything just that I was a really happy person (lol). I have so much shame about how I acted towards her, to be able to say “sorry I was unwell” was just amazing. I really felt she got it too which was fantastic and she was going to pass along the message to the others as well. Did you ever make it back to the MBU? It’s a big step, one you have to be ready for I think.
It does get busy very quickly, right? You sound great and enjoying life to the maximum at the moment, I am so pleased to read that. So glad your husband has been able to take some time off too, it is really important to recharge.
How are you set for the summer break? We are not going abroad this year (haven't sort out passport either :)) but have taken some days off to spend the time with my eldest, going to local animal farms, the aquarium, theatre, etc. So exciting that your boy starts school this September, it is a big step for him which I am sure he will smoothly navigate with your gentle guidance. Thanks for your wishes about my little one, we have the incentive that she will be going to the same nursery as her brother. But today at the shops she picked an avocado and said, we can take this to her childminder for her lunch. She has a very tender heart, my monkey.
It brings a smile to my face to read that you had another NI cafe, having that safe space where it is possible to talk about our experiences is priceless. I can't thank APP enough for the difference they've made to the way I now look back on my illness. Gone are the guilt and the shame, and even though I am still careful and reserved and choose who to share my experience with, it comes out of reservations on the recipient's point of view rather than from how I see myself.
You have put a great deal of work in your CBT and I am sure the therapist will see that when you come back to it. Sometimes it is good to have a break, digest certain things. The bulk of the counselling is of course done out of sessions.
You sound like you are in the perfect place, life is good and you are enjoying it, what more is there, right?
Take really good care, giant hugs from one brave mum to another
Life is good at the minute thank you, I’m back to work full-time next week! I’d like to thank you and the other mums because without your kind words I don’t think I’d have coped being back at work part time never mind thinking about full time!
Summer has flown, but we managed a wedding and party in England with a ferry and a 4 hour car journey there and back, and I took the train all the way to London and back on my own during this trip (for a work party)! Loved it all even though the kids acted up on some occasions, they weren’t worse than any of the other kids so I know now that their behaviour isn’t to do with my PP it’s just how kids like to act sometimes - pushing boundaries.
I can’t wait for the NI cafe zoom in Sept it’s so lovely chatting and I find afterwards a lot more settled. I know what you mean about being reserved as well, I used to tell everyone and everything I had PP where now I’m a little more careful - not everyone reacts with kindness and I don’t feel the need to talk about it as much anymore, it’s no longer consuming my every thought. I take that as a good sign of recovery don’t you?
My therapist and I have been writing the narrative of my most traumatic time and it’s been hard but helpful, I know so much more now about how I pieced things together, how I was sick and what that meant which just makes the experience a little easier to talk about in therapy.
We went dinosaur hunting in Leeds when we were in England and it was such a joy to see the kids faces light up when they spotted another one! They were all animatronic and looked so real! I really recommend it if you are close.
I had a review with the CPN today and she was thrilled with my progress but isn’t discharging me yet - suits me tbh she’s only coming once a month and I’d rather be safe knowing she’s still watching than discharge myself and relapse - I’m not as scared of that now though, what will be will be and I have an amazing support network who can help us all if anything does happen.
How has your summer been? It flies in doesn’t it?
Giant Hugs, take care and thank you for being patient with me writing!
So so lovely to read your update. Life sounds really great. Well done for braving the trip to England and the train ride to London on your own, that is a big achievement! I remember my first work day trip after pp was so nerve racking, braving being alone with our thoughts is huge.
I am so glad you enjoyed every bit of your trip, even though it is not always smooth sailing and I think that is the key, not to avoid frustrating moments but learn to embrace them together with the times their faces light up.
Working full time is a big one and I am sure that you will ace it too. But while the week will get increasingly busier try not forget about time for yourself during the day.
Our summer has been good, thanks for asking. Can't believe it is gone already! My boy has settled well at nursery, it has taken a month and a half . My daughter did the settling last week, and that went really well too, so hoping September both of them will be happy at drop off (at least half the time?).
Sending you some of the most giant hugs, take really good care
How are the kids coping with drop offs? My son is loving going to school he says every morning "hurry up mrs porter will be waiting!" I do worry a lot that he doesn't enjoy it, but he seems to be in great form going so that's all I can ask for.
Struggling again with work and confidence, I remember you saying about code reviews - I've asked for some but the company is very busy at the minute so I have to continue to work while they are ongoing, which makes things tricky. I have a lot of "what if" thoughts and almost go blank before I write code.
I think I need to give myself easing in time. I can't expect to be amazing with everything on day 2, when I was part time I was given certain jobs and now they feel confident to give me all the jobs so that's pretty amazing!
I've been having fun with resin and gel nail art lately it's been really therapeutic. The nail art has been so much fun and I'm really getting the hang of the resin pouring and have made a beautiful coaster with "nailed it" for a photo prop when I do my nails lol.
My dad said to me the other day "I was raised on a farm I need to keep busy" and he made me realise that's why I'm the way I am, he raised me the same way so I always like to be busy. I don't struggle to take it easy though but I like to be creative in the evenings in between laundry and the homework that is coming!!
I hope you have a fantastic week
Giant Hugs
Tara
Picture of a resin coaster with nailed it written in the centre
How amazing that your son is loving school, what more is there to it! It is such a relief because it is not easy to have those worries on your mind on top of everything else.
I think with work, you will find that it is pretty normal to almost blank just before starting a task, specially when you are feeling like your colleagues are watching and that you somehow "have to prove" that you are ready for full-time. It is of course pretty nerve racking anyway, even though you rationalise it brilliantly. But it does not mean anything more, you are just human and anyone pp or no pp can always feel a wobble in confidence. As you say, you are only on day 2 :).
I so love your resin work, you are so creative! Kudos to you for finding the time to do your me-stuff in between your very busy schedule, so very well done! It is so true that our parents form much of our character, which bodes really well for your 2 little ones as they will grow into brave and compassionate people.
The drop-offs have been tear free so far, thanks, though she tells me that she has flutter-bies in her tummy. I try to explain that it is normal to be scared when doing something new, but that when you try and do it even though you feel scared that fear can feel like a surprise instead.
So lovely to read your updates, I look forward to them. Have a lovely week too. Take care and as always sending you massive, giant hugs
You said exactly the right thing to your little one, you didn’t challenge her for being scared and were so compassionate its the perfect response, how did she handle it?
Thank you so much for your kind words, I already see little things in my kids that are traits of mine lol it’s funny!! Especially tempers but we get through it all together and learn as we grow.
I love seeing how the coasters turn out, I’m not good enough to sell them but maybe one day I’ll need to because I’ll have too many!! lol!!
I’m FT a week now and I think I’ve settled in ok, there is talk about me project managing as well as devving so I must be doing something right, they say I’m very good with clients, so I think I can handle it! “have to prove I deserve to be FT” is completely right!! I feel like I’ve been stepping back for so long I don’t know how to step up! I mean I used to be senior dev, only dev and project overseer so now to be “only a dev” I find that hard to handle, maybe they’ve noticed and want to give me something else to manage.
I love our updates too, I think during my days o0o0o can’t wait to tell EmiMum that lol thank you for not kicking me out for the ridiculous length of posts we have and the mess that is my replies lol
Oh thank you, it is going to take a little while for her to feel as safe and at ease as she felt at the childminder's, but she is making progress, brave monkey. It is so true how their personalities start to emerge even at this young age. Every now and then my daughter declares that she is not happy with something we did and that we should not do it again, we go with it.
That is such amazing news from work, Tara! Congratulations, you will manage so well, I am 100% sure! It is so positive how they are giving you feedback and mentioning the great qualities you have. This is the result of all your hard work, your dedication and of how much you care about it. Really, really, well deserved! What a super star, like my eldest says!!!
I so love our chats, please do keep them coming, it makes my day to see an alert in my emails. This is what I find great about this community, sharing without having to hesitate if the person across will understand what we are going through.
Sending you some giant, giant hugs, have a lovely weekend with your amazing family.
sometimes life is just not plane sailing when recovering. On some days the obstacles seem to be much higher and climbing over them is near enough impossible.
Just imagine a puzzle of 1000 pieces, it is all just too overwhelming. What does one need in order to battle that feeling...coping strategies...you start with the edges first, sort out colour patterns etc...and how is it with your real life situations???
Brain storm your goals...and divide them into stepping stones. Public transport had been agony for me, because of my sensory processing and people. There are always different ways on how to tackle a situation.
Exposure therapy is possible, but not full blown confrontation of circumstances I am fearful with. When healing and recovering everything is a process and learning progression
Thinking about you and visiting your mum!
- support network: practice with somebody who can accompany you
- think about transport opportunities i.e. when I travel to a new place I rather have a friend coming with me for the first time round
- knowing yourself: I know that public transport is only an option when accompanied and that is a very rare occasion...I use the car
- however, I need to discuss event and journey, definitively use navigation system
- there are days where I just can not: long term planning or short term, what is easier for you??? I have to be extremely flexible and spontaneous, because of my Bipolar pendular...
- it is important to communicate with those, who are involved and maybe explain about your difficulties at this moment...
I tried to please others for a Christmas dinner at the pub, in fact my partners family....for three months, did I practice with a support worker...at the end I could not do it...everything is such a learning curve and still some individuals have no clue how hard I tried...conclusion: I did my best to please others, but never again will I go through such a scenario...I have learnt to say NO, and others have had to understand that I need to prioritise my needs. Otherwise I can not be in good shape for my son and partner, Prioritising is not easy, recognising triggers neither and developing coping mechanisms is a process of gentleness, patience, love and kindness to yourself, - not for others!!!
Sending you much love, do not be so harsh on yourself...Apply my scenario maybe to your work situation and travels to your mum...talk about feelings, stepping stones and how to prioritise, and always ask for help xxx
Thanks for writing! I love the analogy of the jigsaw puzzle thanks so much for sharing that.
I think you are right regarding pleasing others, my CBT therapist said “you are responsible to your family, but not for their happiness” and I think it’s really helped.
I’m sorry to say I didn’t visit my mum, the drive was so daunting on Sunday that I just couldn’t do it. I need to be kinder to myself and if something doesn’t feel right I shouldn’t do it. I am driving to some places so I know I’ll get there it just might take a while. Exposure therapy is a good idea but I needed someone with me and no one was available. The problem is my husband comes with me driving but the ward won’t let kids in so I either can’t stay long, or hubby has to entertain the kids in the car for an hour!
I told my hubby that for the next few weeks I need to ignore my urges to overthink, seek reassurance and check more than once. He’s happy to support me so that’s wonderful, and he bought me a spin bike so I can get some happy hormones through exercise for a few evenings a week! Part of my CBT is to try and distance myself from my thoughts they are just like clouds passing through the sky they don’t mean anything but when I give them power then things go haywire.
I drove on my own to the consultant on Monday and it was fine, I also took my family to mcDonalds last week which again was tough but uneventful in the end. I need to start celebrating the little wins and hope that would encourage me to do more.
I hope to see my recovery progress in the next few weeks with the CBT and "homework" he sets me. I already feel much better after joining this forum so thank you for your time and replies <3
Sorry for not coming back sooner taramag. Life can be rather busy when having young children. My boy is 11.
I can resonate with your worries and you are trying to be sensitive and asking for help and obviously want to improve. In addition you seem to have loved ones, who take their time to listen and understand.
It is also quite OK when things get to you that you ask for some time out. Life is that little bit more touchy when recovering from a traumatising illness. When you feel you can not deal with something straight away just say, I need a bit of space and time and have a think about the situation when I can. Allowing yourself a cushion, a buffer zone is useful.
Decission making and concentration level can realy put pressure on your well being...you are allowed to slow down and one definitively does not need to be part of the rat race or trying to keep up with other peoples' expectations.
You are doing well and I am pleased your CBT is a therapy you feel in tune with. It is important to feel at ease with therapeutic avenues and figuring out what you want. Your voice is what matters most and helps you to recover at your pace.
Don’t be sorry, I just post when I have some free time so it can be weeks before I’m back on the forum again.
I’m a lot more positive since we last spoke and feel like I can actually recover from this illness and go “back to normal” which is amazing and something I never thought possible.
As I’ve mentioned to the others I got a spin bike and find the 30min cycle each evening almost meditative, I just focus on the words of the songs and my breathing and find my mind doesn’t wander that much, like it likes to have something easy to concentrate on.
I am finding decision making quite a challenge so that’s interesting to know thank you for sharing. Hubby and I are taking it in turns to have timeouts from the kids (just an hour or so) which has been great this weekend and very easy for both of us to do. I think you are right that we all need space sometimes and that’s ok.
I’m reading a book at the minute called “the mindful way through depression” and it’s all about guided meditation and how your brain works with emotions and depression. It’s a really interesting read even though I’m not the whole way through it, there are exercises like eating a raisin mindfully and walking mindfully that change how you think about everything which is incredible.
Thank you but I wasn’t quite the superhero .... I did have support from mental health teams during my recoveries. As my first son was six when his brother was born I had care from the home treatment team after I returned from confinement in hospital. A psychiatrist and team would visit on a regular basis and at one point I remember saying that there were too many people in the house! In times of crisis with my first and second sons I did return to hospital.
I hope as you are so well supported at work, they will be able to source counselling for you. It does take time to come to terms with what happened. My family didn’t talk about it with me but from what I remembered it was as if I was a completely different person ... very argumentative and loud although this was due to fighting the voice in my head which no one else could hear.
I do like the Sandra King verse ...... “Be like the single blade of grass. For she too has been trampled on, mowed down and hit with such bitterly cold stretches that she has had to shut down to survive. Yet still she stands upright with dignity, knowing that she endures, and still she dances with the wind”.
It took me much longer to regain my confidence and place as depression followed after both episodes. It is a temporary illness so for now just lean on all the loving support at home and work. You are doing so well .... working and coping with the effects of medication isn’t easy so take care.
I love the quote about the blade of grass that's beautiful! I am not being kind to myself at all, I had a moment of panic about my job today and had to ring my dad (hubby is at work) and I just poured out all my anxieties and stresses and instantly felt better - I've been bottling a lot up about work when really I should be saying to my boss that I'm struggling so I'll do that tomorrow.
I was a completely different person too, I remember telling my hubby I wanted a divorce after I went willingly to the psych ward only to forget and panic that I had been sectioned. I remember throwing things at him and yelling for my MIL cos he "didn't have a uterus so won't understand" I was horrible to him it hurts me to think about it, he deserved so much better but as you say I was a different person and I shouldn't look back unless it's to see how far I've come. He joined this forum and asked for advice 11 months ago - healthunlocked.com/app-netw... so I know he knows it wasn't really me but still the guilt lives on...
I definitely need counselling, the more I write on here the more I realise I need someone to help me through it all so I hope to sort that in the next few weeks, I've had a bit of a dramatic childhood and young adulthood and a mother who is an alcoholic and has her own delusions so there is a lot of baggage I should drop off if I can.
It's nice to think of it as a temporary illness because then it's manageable, I really hope my meds change up helps me cope with everything because I worry some of my spinning plates will fall and smash. I'm so glad you had support through your episodes it's true what they say it takes a village!
So sorry to hear you had a moment of panic today. That must have been very unsettling. It’s good that you were able to share all your anxieties with your dad and felt instantly better for it. I think crying is a good stress release at times. I hope you will be able to open up to your boss tomorrow about how much you have been struggling. The trouble is we try to keep a lid on our feelings but sometimes are overwhelmed and need to tell it like it is. You are such an asset to your employer that I’m sure they will want to help in any way they can.
I think counselling is a good outlet so that you can talk in confidence about whatever is on your mind. I think writing your thoughts down is good but having someone in the room to listen and reassure you makes a difference. I had a difficult childhood which impacted on me in later life but we tend to put a lid on those memories too. So it will be good for you to cast off all that baggage as you have so much to look forward to as you recover.
I hope your meds change will eventually make a difference when they have had time to take effect. During my recovery I was given different medications until the right combination was found. I did need ECT also as a last resort but thankfully went on to have many happy family memories over the years.
My CBT came through so I'll have an apt on 16th Feb, can't believe it after being told the waiting list, I guess I'm lucky!
Had a really positive day today went for a walk after work as well but I will flag from now on if I can't handle a task. I just worry I shouldn't be back at work yet and that makes me feel incredibly anxious.
Hopefully my meds change will improve my thoughts and feelings and leave me with less cloudy thoughts
Mindfulness of breathing, think of the ocean, the tide comes in-you breath in, the tide goes out, breath out...live with the momentum, cherish little events creating memories with your baby...with your loved ones...
Even though I was so poorly I spent a lot of time with my toddler, unfortunately I hardly remember the first year of my baby, my brain shut off for a long time ... but there are pictures with outings and special times together with my wonderful partner and my son (now 11). I was slowly recovering, very slowly.
I've learnt to live more mindfully, more consciously, creatively and spiritually through yoga, meditation and reiki. I never returned to academia & lecturing. My coping strategy and stressors were at a different frequency after PPP and with Bipolar.
From time to time I have to slow down, - when we experienced trauma, we will have to change, learn self reflection and tune into our own body and carefully listen to our heart and intuition.
Allow yourself time to heal, you are young and strong and you will be getting better!
Sounds like a wonderfully calm life, impressive when you are a hard working mama!
I have very few memories of the last year but I can look back at them in pictures and it'll take me right back there so that's nice - I just kept telling hubby to take pics even if I looked bad I just knew I'd want them!
I'll try and give myself a break a bit more, it's all go with 2 under 4 and it feels like most days I'm just treading water not really going anywhere! I don't feel like I'm drowning though so that's a positive I can take away. I just want to go places and do things but when it comes down to it I struggle leaving the house!
So happy to hear that the CBT appointment came through for the 16th. I think it will make such a difference as the sessions progress.
I’m glad today was better for you. Coping with recovery and the effects of medication isn’t easy if you are at work. So I think it’s a good idea to step back for a while if you feel uncomfortable and let your boss know. Taking time out for a walk can help and be refreshing.
In your own time you will feel better and I hope the change in meds will eventually make a difference. Take good care of yourself .... we are here for you.
I am very excited, what chatting with my dad there and I'm worried the meds reduction will mean my memory comes back a lot more, so those thoughts will be something I'll need to address with CBT
Today went ok but I feel like I'm taking too long to do tasks and that worries me, I have creeping thoughts about how efficient I am. But as my dad said "at least you are still doing them" so that calms me.
I think I'll ask my boss to give me harder things but also give me someone to review what I've done and check it against how they would handle it. That feels like a progression from "I can't do this" right?
It is exciting for you as you take another step forward in your recovery. I don’t think when my meds were reduced that my memory came back a lot more. I think it was just that the ‘fog’ lifted slowly.
I can understand questioning your ability at work when those creeping thoughts emerge. I think that’s where CBT might be helpful to challenge your thinking and perhaps reassure you, as your dad has.
I think when we get our mental health back we need to look after it. So I’m not sure if asking for harder tasks at work at the moment is a good idea as you don’t want to feel overwhelmed.
You can definitely ‘do this’ and as your confidence grows you will fly! For now try to have self compassion and be kinder to yourself. Take care.
I know you are right but how do I calm the nagging thoughts that say I'm not good enough, I messed up this project, I should be on the sick! I have those thoughts often and I find it hard to bat them away like they are flies! I hope CBT takes care of that for me, I did it years ago and found it very useful.
I feel so much better after talking to you lovely people like I can handle a lot more but you are right I shouldn't push it and should just keep things basic for the time being while I wait for meds to reduce and anxiety meds to kick in.
Thanks so much. I do understand about niggling thoughts of self doubt ... but they are not your own thoughts, only the remnants of your traumatic episode trying to bring you down. You’re right, it’s not easy to bat them away but I think the CBT sessions will be good for suggesting coping strategies.
Perhaps when one such thought comes to mind you could take a minute to think of how far you have come in such a short time, for example returning home, caring for your family and returning to work?
I think you’re amazing! In time, when you look back, you will think the same of yourself too for all you have endured and be proud. I think it will help if you just go with the flow for now at work until you feel ready.
It’s lovely to hear that you feel so much better after talking on the forum. I felt the same too when I came here years ago. I remember being so relieved to find I was not alone in having delusions and the support made such a difference.
Aw thank you so much Lilybeth, I guess I wouldn't really know how far I've come - just what my family tell me. I feel proud that I'm back at work and slowly forging a social life for myself with both kids. I also feel proud that even though I'm scared I'm doing the scary things.
Its lovely to just come on and chat knowing it makes sense to you all, I didn't realise I needed it but I have. I'm meeting a friends friend in a few weeks who had it so I can find out in person how they recovered but it was 6 years ago for her.
I've stopped trying to have a nap during the day, I finished up with work and would need a lie down but I decided when they reduced my olanzipine that I didn't really need a nap any more. I'm still tired but don't think I could sleep now.
Good to hear that you are feeling proud of being back at work and slowly building confidence to go out socially. Challenging those negative thoughts that have been holding you back will get easier. A few days now until your first CBT session so that will be another step forward.
This is a great safe space to come and talk isn’t it, knowing that you will be understood as we have all ‘been there’. It makes such a difference to know you’re not alone, as it did for me years ago. I hope meeting your friends friend will be reassuring for you. It’s always nice to meet friends for a chat I think.
I’m glad now the medication has been reduced that you don’t feel the need to nap. I think if you feel stressed though, at any time, a nap is a good way to calm your thoughts ... and then wake refreshed? So take it easy, in small steps.
I find “I’m still standing” by Elton John is my rebuke to PP with those lyrics and the video in Cannes is great 😊
I danced around our kitchen to that song after I read your reply thank you it made me smile so much!
I needed a nap today but it was the first all week and the only reason I took it is because our eldest woke me before 6am! I agree with you about a nap being restorative it definitely helps calm the racing mind.
I was anxious on Tuesday when I met a friend for soft play because I had both kids in the car and struggled with the drive even though it was 10mins away! I arrived shaking but once we were all in I calmed down, it was hard to pinpoint why I was anxious but I'm guessing it's the driving... yet another thing to add to my CBT workbook!!
Oh yes, I think dancing round the kitchen to “I’m still standing” is called for some days 😊.
Also to give me a lift when I felt flat I would listen to a group called Sounds of Blackness singing “I’m going all the way”. I heard this song playing in a shoe shop years ago and the words resonated with me at the time ....
“Whatever it takes to make it
I’m going all the way
I may be down sometimes
But I won’t be down always ...... “
It’s on YouTube and in my head as a reminder of those days.
Good to hear you’re in tune with your feelings and know when to take a nap. No need for alarm clocks when we have children .... thinking about it, I don’t think we sleep as soundly, always listening out for them?
Sorry to hear you had an anxious time on Tuesday going to meet a friend. I’m glad you turned it round after settling your children. I don’t drive but I imagine it’s very stressful, getting everyone in the car and then concentrating on the traffic.
A challenge for you .....but you smashed it!
All the best with your CBT next week. Be kind to yourself and thanks for writing.
Thanks for your reply, I'll hoke out that song on youtube and give it a listen. There is a song called "Fight song" that I find powerful and always put it on when I want to feel strong!
I had a nap today again but it's because the eldest gets up at 6am and I can't cope with that!! I feel like the nap is normal though not because of my meds... the reduction has definitely helped!
I need to start thinking about things I do as challenges thanks for that idea, I'm smashing all the challenges I've set myself lately and even at work I'm gradually doing more even though I'm slower!
CBT apt on Wednesday, going to discuss my anxiety and depression and hope to get somewhere
I think it’s good to have songs to go to when we need a moment to reflect. I also relate fighting the dark days of my episodes to Labi Siffre singing “Something inside so strong” .... I have it on YouTube now.
With lyrics such as “My light will shine so brightly it will blind you .... “Brothers and sisters when they insist we’re just not good enough ..... Just look them in the eye and say “We’re gonna do it anyway .....” It’s up there with the others I’ve mentioned and also great to sing in the kitchen 😊
It’s good that you are listening to your body when you need to have forty winks! Such an early start is exhausting so try not to question yourself as to why you need a nap ... just go for it!
I’m glad you are recognising all the challenges you have taken on and smashed .... it’s a good feeling isn’t it and just shows how much you have achieved and battled your way through against the odds. I’m very proud of you if you don’t mind me saying.
I was going to post earlier to wish you all the best for Wednesday in your CBT session. I think it will be a good outlet for you and another step in the right direction.
Thank you I'm really taken aback, I hope other people are proud of me too! I'm proud of how far I've come, I just need to keep talking and process what happened the right way.
CBT went well, I've been given grounding techniques like rubbing the beads of a necklace and reminding myself that it is 2022 and not 2021. I had to go over my entire history which was troubling and hard (I haven't had the easiest life) but I did it and felt better afterwards.
Work is going ok I'm still very anxious but I'm getting there, doing more things that push me a little and finding that I can handle more.
Today I went to my friends house with both kids on my own and found the drive over left me anxious but it went well and I even enjoyed it, my kids weren't the best behaved but that's ok and it's important for me to acknowledge that.
I'm going to make a playlist of songs that make me feel empowered and dance around the kitchen, at the minute we are jiving to Encanto lol!!! Thanks so much for the idea!
I’m sorry you were taken aback by my comment but I think your family must be proud of you too, as you have achieved so much in such a short time.
It’s good that your CBT went well and you felt better for talking about your past although it wasn’t easy for you. Another challenge met?
You are doing so well at work too .... all in stepping stones, moving forward.
I think it’s great that you are now catching up with friends. I’m sure your children enjoyed it too and were probably excited rather than not behaving?
Dancing around the kitchen is a great release so I’m glad you will be making your own ‘go to’ list of tunes. Encanto is great isn’t it?
What a great week for you .... enjoy reflecting on all those challenges met. Take care and thanks for writing.
It was such a lovely comment thank you so much I feel like meeting you all has been such a relief and helped endlessly for my recovery. My family are proud of me and I'm proud of me I've come so far and I know it which is a really big change from where I was.
I think rehashing my past was a cathartic experience I was worried it would trigger me but it hasn't and I'm looking forward to tomorrow's session which is lovely. He sent me some notes to read on PTSD so I'm going to get caught up on that as well.
I feel more myself at the minute because the olanzipine is being reduced and I feel I can do more which is lovely. I need to get back into journalling because that's where I can reflect on challenges met but I just don't want to at the minute.
We love encanto in this house it's on daily lol I love the lyric "I glow cos I know what my worth is" it's an absolute favourite and I love Disney for exploring all the different personalities in the film.
Stepping stones is a good way to think about things thanks for the reference it's definitely how I feel work is going, but I'm off this week so I don't plan to think about work until next Monday!
Thank you so much for taking time out to reply, especially as you are on a break from work (although there is always ‘work’ at home) 😊. I think it does take a while to realise that from our depths of despair we are rising slowly ... and “still standing” against PP!
It’s good to hear your CBT session released some of your hidden feelings from the past. I hope your next session is just as helpful. It’s lovely to feel comfortable and being able to open up in confidence isn’t it?
I think being able to manage on reduced medication is a good sign that your consultant must feel you are slowly improving? It might be a revelation when you decide to return to journalising, with all those boxes ticked on all the challenges met!
I love the Disney films with all their meaningful songs ... great fun in the house!
I hope you enjoy the rest of your break. Take care .... thanks for writing. xx
My second CBT session went well thanks it was more grounding techniques but also he wants me to think about approaching the flashback and discriminate against it, I'm not really sure what he means but I keep reminding myself it's 2022 and I'm safe and that's working well.
I think when I've recovered fully I'll be able to go back to my journal and really love it again atm it feels like a chore which is never what I wanted.
I feel more me this week it's lovely, still struggling with the thought of work and the anxiety I have but I see light at the end of the tunnel which is amazing!
I’m not sure what’s meant by approaching the flashback and discriminating against it. Perhaps it’s just being able to see the difference that, like you say, it’s not relevant in 2022 and you are safe and loved? I had trauma in my childhood but over the years I’ve been able to park it and move on. Another good tune in my toolkit is “Giant” by Calvin Harris and Rag ‘n’ Bone Man to quieten such thoughts ....
I think you’re wise to leave journalising for now. You need to give yourself space in your head ... just for you ... and not fill every minute with stuff.
I’m sorry you’re still feeling anxious about work and the anxiety. I think when we have had a mental illness we put so much pressure on ourselves to show that we are ‘over it’ and coping. Try to go at your own pace, slowly emerging like a flower into the sunlight 😊.
From one giant to another .... take care and thanks for writing xx
Love the analogy of the flower, I like the term stepping stones, I'm slowly getting back to myself but I'm not to rush it. Both feet on the one stone but I need to catch my breath before I take another step.
He means exactly what you said "this is 2022 not 2021, I am safe, I am loved and my baby is 1 year old and loving life. I am not unwell I don't need a psych ward, this is not 2021" etc it really helps me when I delve into my memory of what happened and get the flash backs.
I met a health visitor today who said she used to be a midwife and saw PP twice in her career. She also said she knew of my story from my own health visitor and my hv was so proud of me and my amazing hubby. She even gave me a hug it was lovely, she just kept saying how well I've been doing and even though it was a scary experience I aced my recovery. It was just so lovely to hear that from a stranger... maybe I am doing better than anyone expected!
Lovely to hear from you. It’s so good that you recognise you must keep both feet on one stone and feel comfortable before the next step ... no rush at all.
It looks like the CBT sessions are having an effect as you slowly begin to see how colourful your life is now, compared to those grey days only a short while ago?
Such a lovely interaction with the health visitor today, who knew of your story and reassured you of how well you have been doing. I hope you can believe in yourself. You really are doing so well, one step at a time, being mindful of stepping back when you need to rest.
The ‘Giant’ chorus is great! Take care... thanks for writing. xx
Sorry it's been so long we've had a bit of a nightmare this week, the youngest has been off I think it's her jabs, but she's on the mend now.
I didn't have CBT this week because the therapist is off but looking forward to it next week!
I've been very productive this week, we did a dump run, put stuff on free cycle, left clothes with a friend whose baby is a few months younger than my youngest, replaced the unit in our hall which was falling apart and organising my home office! I wouldn't have been able to do that even a month ago! Can't thank you enough for your support!
I am very anxious about how I behaved in the maternity ward so hearing from the HV that I should be proud has helped ease it a lot. She also said her sister was a midwife and remembers me which isn't something I wanted to hear but I'm sure they knew what was going on and knew not to take anything I said personally.
Sorry to hear you had a tough week, it can be such a worry when little ones are poorly but I’m glad she is now on the mend. I was once described as an “anxious mother” by my GP when he wrote a hospital referral for my first son when he was a baby. Adding that I “wouldn’t let the wind blow on him” which is amusing to remember now but worrying at the time.
I think there’s something good about having a clear out and organising your ‘space’ ... so that’s another step forward from where you were even a month ago as you said.
I know it’s not easy but try not to feel anxious about how you behaved in the maternity ward. Being under the influence of PP is so hard ... in my case almost as if someone else was in my body, doing and saying the unthinkable! I think we need to remind ourselves how ill we were and not be so self-critical but more self-compassionate, but easier said than done.
I wonder if the BBC’s Headroom mental health toolkit at bbc.co.uk/headroom/ might be helpful to look at? Featuring personal stories, one of which is Nadia Hussain (past winner of Bake Off) talking about her anxiety. There’s also relaxation, mindful music and all sorts to read or listen to there, even baking!
Never worry about replying .. it’s only if and when you have time. I’m sure with your work life balance that’s a juggling act, so I’m really grateful you found time to write.
I hope your CBT goes well as you cautiously take one step at a time. Take care and please be proud. xx
CBT today again and we are still going over the assessment! I have to be treated for OCD and PTSD, it's nice to have a diagnosis even if I'd rather he said "lets treat you for PP" I have set goals with him and by the end of the 16 weeks I hope to be less anxious and understand what happened a bit more.
It felt like I was watching myself from the ceiling a lot of the time so I get what you mean by acting like a different person. It's just the flashbacks I have, make me cringe with embarrassment more than anything else. I have horrific thoughts of things I said which I can't repeat but CBT is going to help me deal with that trauma, hopefully I'll find everything a lot easier to deal with.
It must have hurt being called an "anxious mother" when all you wanted to do is be "a good mother" how do you handle those thoughts now? I want to reach out to the maternity ward and tell them I'm ok but I'm sure they know, the HV kept a lot of different teams in the loop I was a bit shocked when I heard how many emails she sent on my behalf lol!
Thanks for the link I'll take a look I read the docs from APP and read it's normal to experience anxiety and depression after a trauma so knowing that helps me most days. I'll have a browse of the headroom site and let you know if anything helps so you can pass it along
I did reply last night but my connection failed at the last minute 😞 Good to hear that you had another CBT session. Although it must be tiring to be still going over the assessment, I think the therapist is giving you time to release all those hidden thoughts and feelings. It must have been hard to be told that you will be treated for OCD and PTSD. Perhaps you have been suffering in silence for a while?
I think when you have reached your goals, you will have coping strategies for your anxiety as well as greater insight into what happened .... none of which was your fault.
Over time my flashbacks faded although I am mindful of triggers and take a step back when needed. I think CBT will be a good tool to help in your recovery.
It was upsetting to be referred to as an “anxious mother”. Having PP with depression on top gave me a distorted view of how I was perceived by professionals. I was not aware of my diagnoses at the time. I carried unfounded guilt and shame for years until I realised I had no control over what happened, as I hope you will eventually.
I think you are amazing coping at work only just over a year after such a traumatic episode. I hope you are taking a break if needed. I was looking through our conversations here and found that I gave the link for Headroom about a month ago, so I’m sorry I repeated that.
Don't worry about replying just if you can, I realise this thread is getting super messy and I probably should have stopped writing when I got help with my work anxiety but it's such a nice platform and you are all so lovely I can't help but purge & write out what's in my heart atm.
The assessment was so long because I've got those few issues to get therapy for, he said yesterday he takes cases based on priority and anything portpartum gets bumped up the list which is why I got it so quickly! I think OCD and PTSD have been a helpful diagnosis because I can find some self help documentation & try some more techniques. I filled in questionnaires during my session and found so many things I do and have done for a while that are OCD and not the usual symptoms eg having overly clean houses etc.
I loved Nadiya's documentary I never watched it before, I think you gave me the link but not the show. It was so interesting and I felt real empathy for her it was a really good watch!
I am feeling a lot better I still have anxiety but I think it'll fade into memory soon enough. Definitely feel this forum helps me so thank you so much for that!
How long did it take you to feel comfortable doing things with your child on your own? I know I don't need to but that's something I'd like to be able to do - a wee mooch around the shops would be lovely but I just can't bring myself to do it. I've even had conversations with my hubby as to what to do first - get baby out then toddler with a reign, and I still can't bring myself to do it. YET...
Please don’t stop writing here if it’s helping you. I think it’s good sometimes to see your thoughts written down and out of your head?
I’m glad the therapist prioritised anything postpartum so you didn’t have too long to wait. I think you might find some helpful info on the internet. I have just looked at OCD UK which seems to have a lot of helpful sections.
I’m glad you’re feeling a lot better. I think being a mum, working and coping at home does create anxiety, especially while recovering from PP.
It took me a while to feel comfortable doing things on my own with my sons. I was in hospital for the first six months after my first son was born and PP hit. I have a photo and thought he looked quite big, until I realised that he was by then seven months! Also with my second son I had severe depression for a year following PP. My sons were born six years apart so I didn’t have too much trouble getting them organised for an outing, although I did find it stressful. I think it’s all about building confidence and looking on the funny side if things don’t quite go to plan.
I noticed that you are super busy at work and have been thinking about catching up over the weekend. I really hope you can resist this temptation as I think you need to keep weekends for yourself to unwind and family time ... just a thought.
I didn’t work this weekend, thanks for much for reminding me I need to unwind. We didn’t do much but we got out of the house both days and sometimes that’s the battle.
I’ll keep writing as long as I get replies lol I can’t begin to tell you how amazing the support on here has been, with real mums who “get it” it’s hard to find that, it really is. I feel so much better after joining this forum, my hubby “shellshockedhubby” also from the forum, was trying to get me to join for months but I never felt right about it, in case it triggered an episode, you know?
I felt the same about my daughter when I finally got out of hospital like “she’s only 2 weeks old” when in reality she was 6 it’s funny how things like that trip you up, like you forget while you are unwell the world is still turning at least that’s how it felt for me! I think you are right about looking at the funny side - I took the kids to the park on Friday and forgot the potty!!! Needless to say we were there for about 5 mins when my son was like “mama need a wee!” so I said “lets do stand up wees like daddy” lol he must have been busting to go because he did his first stand up wee with me alone in the park with my daughter in her pram looking on! I feel really proud that I coped in that impossible situation and I was thinking you’d be proud of me too! Building confidence is something I need to work on but that comes from doing the hard things even if anxiety tells you you can’t. There are no shortcuts right?
It’s good to hear you took time to unwind this weekend. I think sometimes that’s a drawback of technology as you can now keep up with work at home, though it’s a blessing here to keep in touch.
I’m so happy that the forum has helped you to feel so much better. I think it’s true that it makes all the difference to have support from mums who have been where you are. I’m not sure whether I mentioned before what a lightbulb moment it was when I came to the forum years after my recoveries and found someone had posted about delusions? Until then I thought it was just me and kept it to myself, as my parents said I should for fear I’d be judged. Mental health back then was so much in the shadows so I’m glad these days it’s ok not to be ok.
I think when I was very unwell I just felt helpless and hopeless and also wondered why the world was still turning. What an unforgettable funny moment for you in the park and your son might remember his first time he ‘did it like daddy’. A very proud moment when you look back ... just thinking on your feet and reacting. I’m really proud too that you met such a challenge in a public place, breaking the barrier of your anxiety.
I remember a similar funny moment when I took my sons, one then seven and his one year old brother in the pushchair to a park quite far from home. My seven year old lost a shoe on our way home through the park ... not quite a Cinderella moment ... very stressful but funny to recall.
How amazing that your hubby also came to the forum to look for help when you were suffering ... such a caring moment in your hour of need. So happy that you are taking a step at a time, being mindful of the need for a break here and there, finding the funny side to ‘hiccups’ 😊
I have a different laptop for work that doesn’t leave my garden office, it helps differentiate especially when I work from home.
It’s just difficult to talk openly to family and friends although I do try, how do you explain that the monologue going on inside your head is full of negativity and self doubt?
Delusions happened me as well, I have a memory that didn’t happen and it’s as clear as day to me. So hard to get my head around that it never happened. I have memories of conversations which did and didn’t happen as I believed I could predict the future and the timeline never really matched up! I was just remembering the day in the wrong order and confused myself on what day it was. I remember that as the more funny side to the delusions but I also predicted the death of everyone in my family including my kids so I’m pretty horrified by those memories - something therapy is going to help me with I hope!
I think when it comes to anxiety I was so worried about my son needing the loo badly that I forgot about everything else, he was in discomfort and didn’t want to wet himself and I’d been there and could relate. Poor mite kept his trousers dry but wet his pants, so the walk home was also eventful!
How can a 7 year old lose a shoe lol surely he remembered where he left it? That must have been pretty stressful! If I’ve learned anything being a “wing it” mum of 2 it’s that no one is really paying attention to you and what you do they are all too busy worrying about how the world perceives them! Now if only I could use that and actually take my two alone somewhere! It’ll come I just can’t rush it, I’ve achieved quite a lot the past year - this time last year I was incoherent, scared, unwell and missing my family.
Hubby said you had messaged him a few months ago and he didn’t notice so I think he’s replied (sorry about that it was before I joined the forum) he’s a good egg, did his best and got me through the worst - a great support network is so important to recovery. The fact that I’ve taken myself away from the kids for an hour and he can hold the fort is lovely.
That’s a good idea having different laptops .... the garden office sounds a relaxing space.
It is vey difficult to talk openly to family and friends, even at first to some professionals. I thought if I let them know what was in my head they wouldn’t believe me so I buried my thoughts. Some thoughts popped in and out of my head but others got stuck and were hard to dispel. Then when I did open up to professionals they did help.
One of my delusions was hearing a commanding voice which took me to a dark place so I won’t dwell on that one. Another, which I think is common, is that I thought people on the radio were speaking directly to me! Also I thought I knew what was happening on the news before it happened and by that time I retreated to my bed as no one believed me.
You had some horrific delusions and I do hope therapy will help. Years ago I had counselling, unrelated to PP, due to stress at work. It was good and gave me a different perspective. I think it’s sometimes easier to confide in a therapist as we don’t like to worry our family or friends. I didn’t talk about my childhood trauma with the therapist but a few years ago started a verse which began “Childhood trauma was that the trigger of my PP when I was bigger ....”. Apparently, according to my notes, I wrote poetry in hospital, which wasn’t kept, but noted with a big exclamation mark that I was writing again!
My 7 year old had been paddling but I don’t know why we didn’t find his shoe when we returned to the spot. The awful thing was that he still had his sock on so had to walk to the bus as I don’t drive. I told him I would buy shoes when we got to town but by then the shops were closed! What a day!
I think you’re doing great .... just go with the flow one step at a time. It’s lovely to see you acknowledge that you have achieved quite a lot in only a year after such a devastating illness with the support of your loving hubby.
It’s St. Paddy’s Day! We’ve had a lovely day at soft play (I was off) then my hubby took this evening off as well (he works evenings and I work mornings)
I agree it’s tough at times, I said something to my hubby today of an intrusive thought and I think he got a little scared but CBT is teaching me that we can’t control our thoughts, we can control the meanings we attach to them, just because I have an urge to go on holiday doesn’t mean I will - that kind of thing. I told my hubby I cured covid when I was poorly, we laugh about a lot of it now but it was scary as that was my reality.
Do you write poetry now or was it just something to keep your mind busy while in hospital? I don’t know if I’ll ever go back to journalling I just don’t feel it fits me anymore. I worry so much about relapse and being active with my journal was one of the signs.
What a day! Poor you that must have been stressful, and you thinking everyone was watching you (been there with a screaming child and only one wellie boot on!) Thing is people might have a look but most are too busy worrying about their own families/pets/work/ etc to give you a second glance! I bet the bus driver laughed though.
I’m off olanzapine now but suffering from headaches (think it’s withdrawal) and I can feel my mind racing a lot more during the day, like I can’t relax. Did you have this when you came off the meds? I have a call with the CPN on Monday where I’ll discuss all this and I’ve a consultant apt on Monday 28th. CBT went well this week, we went into the details of unhelpful thought processes OCD sufferers tend to have like all or nothing thinking and catastrophising it was very informative
St Patrick’s day was full of fun in the city although toned down due to remnants of Covid.
I found some days better than others and it must be reassuring after only a few CBT sessions that you realise we can’t control our thoughts but the meanings. Besides, I think when we had all those thoughts they were not our own but the controlling influence of PP.
I imagine it was such an ordeal to be pregnant during Covid? Such an uncertain time. Apparently it’s two years tomorrow since we were first told to stay at home. So you must have had an extra worry at the time. What a star you are!
I don’t write poetry now. I think it must have been some sort of outlet from my surroundings as it was quite a hectic place, ... even another poorly patient nearly sat on me as I was in her chair.
I think it’s better that you don’t journalise if it might be a trigger. After all you are busy at work and home so need to rest when you have five minutes. Although saying that, I appreciate our ‘conversations’ here but please have a rest whenever you need.
I’m sorry to hear about your headaches. Do you wear glasses for looking at the screen or reading? I wear glasses just for reading. Did you see that young girl who wrote to Disney and asked for a character to wear glasses ... lo and behold Mirabel in Encanto was created and already in the pipeline.
My recoveries were a long time ago and I can’t remember my reaction to coming off some of my meds. I can have a look in my notes. I remember reading that the addition of Stelazine helped to fade my delusions so that must have been a turning point. I didn’t take Olanzapine but a few different meds over time.
Do you think you might be taking on too much at work too soon? I can tell you’re very competent but perhaps a nap just to ‘switch off’ might help? Maybe take a step back at times? I’m sure your CPN will be able to help and suggest something. It’s good that your CBT went well and gave insight into unhelpful thoughts.
Remember ..... we are Giants !! Thanks for writing and take care xx
No one knew what it meant to be pregnant with covid so we were very careful and still got it, I couldn’t keep anything down and ended up in hospital. The worry I had then definitely ate into my anxiety and possibly added to the delusions of everything that went on when Maisie turned up a month later.
I’m with you in that some days are better than others, I’m still so anxious at work but my day flies in and I find myself thinking “hey today wasn’t too bad” sometimes the thoughts are worse than the actual event. Today I took my kids on my own to my hometown to meet a friend and her kids at soft play. It was the first time I’ve ever taken them on my own to that place and the anxiety I had before I went was so strong I felt sick but hubby told me I was brave & do the things anyway regardless of how I feel so I went. I loved it and the kids, although weren’t brilliantly behaved weren’t any worse than other kids there so again another win under my belt!
It’s hard being in a place like that with other poorly patients, I remember one in particular was very unwell and through water at me on her first night. It was tough because I knew she was unwell but I was still annoyed.
Don’t worry I rest plenty, taking the odd nap during the day is the best way for me to switch off properly but I’m watching a lot more tv now than I have since I was sick. I avoided TV because it triggered flashbacks but the grounding techniques CBT have helped me with are working well and I’m relaxing a lot more when the kids are in bed.
What notes do you have? Do you have access to your consultants notes? I’d love to ask to see them when I’m fully recovered just to see how far I’ve come from their point of view but really it’s just curiosity. I’m so glad hubby took a video of me and let me watch it so I could see how unwell I was. I know my CPN wasn’t keen on this but hubby knew me better than anyone and knew I’d want to know.
I need to keep an eye on the stress levels at work that’s for sure, I used to be a very good web developer and aim for that perfection again so I’m probably pushing myself further than most, I’ll discuss that with my CPN on Friday thanks.
I spent some time making creative notes from the CBT session the other evening and it was lovely to be creative again. I don’t know if I can do it every week but it’s something I’d like to continue with
Lovely to hear from you. How awful that you had covid and ended up in hospital before your treasured daughter was born.
I remember being anxious at work, almost as if I had to prove to myself that I was over PP, always striving for perfection. Recovery from PP and depression took a while for me to get over so my job wasn’t there for me to return to. So after a few years and to rebuild my confidence I signed on with an agency for temporary work where I could choose my hours and the days I worked. It’s lovely that you enjoyed time with your friend and children at soft play, facing your fears and having fun.
Good to hear that you give yourself space for a nap sometimes. Described by someone as a ‘power nap’ and waking to feel re-energised? It sounds as if you have taken a lot from you CBT sessions, knowing that grounding techniques will help and are working well. Such a moment to reflect on how well your day has been when the children are in bed isn’t it?
I have all my notes from both episodes of PP and depression, from pregnancy to birth and beyond with notes from consultants. I asked my GP only a few years ago for the notes as although I knew a lot, my parents (my mom has passed now) never engaged with me in conversation about those times. It sounds strange now but they told my late husband not to talk to me about my episodes, so he never did until a few years ago. So I spent many years wondering until by chance I found APP and discovered I had suffered PP and it wasn’t my fault! My first PP was years ago so mental illness was very much feared and in the shadows.
I think you’re very wise to be keeping an eye on your stress levels and try to step away before you take on too much. It’s a good idea to have a chat to your CPN. I think it’s lovely to find you can be creative again but try not to fill your ‘free’ time up and remember to give yourself space in your head if you don’t mind me saying ..... Sorry for rambling.
Thanks for listening. You’re a giant star!! Giant hugs returned xx
I feel like the covid before she was born was the start of the pp because the anxiety was so high and I was so worried something would happen to her.
I think it’s so important for me at the minute to stay part time and spend some time upskilling to help my confidence which is at rock bottom. I used to think I was a good developer but this week has been tough with me second guessing the quality of my work. Like I said to EmiMum I think being off the olanzapine has led to a lot of the thoughts I have. With CBT this week we looked at the types of intrusive thoughts I’m having, quite a lot are of overestimation of risk fear and danger, and black & white thinking. I hope to overcome these in the coming weeks.
I’d love to get my notes, when I’m ready. I didn’t know you can ask for them. You must have felt so alone Lilybeth that’s so sad, and I’m so sorry to hear about the passing of your mom and husband. How did you feel when your husband started to talk with you about your PP? Did you ask him or did he volunteer the info? I feel like I need to talk about it hence being on here. Hubby doesn’t want to talk about it that much but my dad and hubby's mum are ok dealing with it, so I talk when I feel the need.
I’ve a consultant appointment tomorrow so I’ll talk to him about the changes I’ve been feeling and the anxiety. I don’t think it’s stress that is getting too much for me I think it’s expectations I’ve put on myself.
I’ve needed to give my head peace for a few weeks now and today I’ve been able to switch off completely which has been lovely, kids are hard work. My dad and stepmom used to take my youngest for a few days to give us rest bite but my granny isn’t well so their time is being spent elsewhere. I think I need to ask them to take her again for a few days just so I can mentally rest. It's just all go all the time and for recovery that's tough going.
I’m so sorry to hear that your mum is in hospital. That must be such a worry but I’m sure she will understand about how anxious you would be to drive to see her.
I hope the appointment with your consultant was helpful and that you were able to talk openly about how anxious you feel. I think you might be putting too much pressure on yourself and feeling overwhelmed at work. Your employers must see what an asset you are so they want to show you how on track you have been with all that has been asked of you. You are right, it’s about building confidence and I think believing in yourself.
Thank you for your kind thoughts. I’m hesitant to tell you about the outcome of reading my notes as they were upsetting and some of the content unexpected. I wasn’t aware of the friction between my husband and family, although I did know that during my second recovery he had a breakdown and the tables turned when I was visiting him in hospital!
I’m glad when you wrote that you had been able to switch off. After all, you have had a lot on lately ....at work and home; coming to terms with your diagnoses; research and taking on board all the advice from your therapist. So I hope you can find space in your days to rest when you feel the need.
Thanks so much for writing, I’m sorry you had such a hard time with your family. It must have made recovery so much harder but you did it and I’m so proud of you for getting well and then giving back with this community.
I don’t think I need to read my notes at the moment tbh, it’s just something I’m curious about. I imagine reading them would have been hard. What made you ask for them was it curiosity or something else?
I think I’m thinking too much! The consultant is very happy with my progress and doesn’t want me to go back onto Olanzapine but to give CBT more time. This weeks homework for CBT is to stop ruminating, stop seeking reassurance and stop checking too many times. These behaviours eat into my worry and make it worse. It’s funny to think I was completely “normal” before PP and now I check the hand break 3 times before I lock my car!
I’ve started reading some books to take my mind off everything and found it helpful. My hubby bought me a spin bike last night and I’ve just finished my first spin class and felt really good even though I’m a little sore. I think you are right I need to take a step back from everything and relax more, when I can. At the minute I’m trying to do too much because I have the energy to, but that doesn’t mean it will help me long term.
My mum is well thanks, she fell and broke a bone in her shoulder and hurt her foot. They are sending her to a home to recover as she doesn’t need to be in hospital but can’t manage at home. I don’t have the best relationship with her and at times have had to keep her at arms length for my own mental health and wellbeing. She’s an alcoholic unfortunately.
This week for me is about spinning, reading, parenting and driving. Taking it easy is key to my recovery and I know that. Now that the fog has lifted I feel I can do anything and everything but that doesn't mean I should!
I hope you are relaxing this weekend. Mum’s Day must have been quite emotional as I read you were in the hospital on that day only last year. So you have packed a lot into this year and should see your great progress against all odds.
I agree with the analogy of recovery being like a jigsaw. So I think in a way that’s what I was doing ... putting the pieces together at the time. I think you’re wise not to be curious about what’s written in your notes. Some mums are happy to have recovered and don’t wish to read about their past, so we are all unique in that sense too.
It must have been reassuring to hear that your consultant is very happy with your progress and thinks more CBT would help rather than going back on Olanzapine. Your spin bike sounds a good distraction from your thoughts and I hope it’s helping with your CBT homework. I think you should also allow yourself time to rest, exhale and step away from the ‘to do’ list once in a while. Every superwoman needs a rest 😊 and giants too!
Thanks for the reply, I’ve been taking it easy this week with the CBT reading but focusing on the bike. I’ve definitely noticed my moods improve but I’ve also been having a good time at work as well.
I went shopping with my friend last Sunday just her and me and it was lovely, such a well needed break from all of our kids even though we bought a lot of stuff for them lol! I had some anxiety going but it faded quickly, I’m so proud I did it, and it went well.
Hubby and I have started to realise if we don’t have time away from the kids then its harder to be good parents so we are taking it in turns to disengage at the weekend which has been really eye opening. My sister babysat last night and we went to the cinema (secrets of dumbledore) it was amazing to have adult time together with a really good movie and a load of snacks! It was the second time we were away from them since my youngest was born, the first ended badly where we were at a wedding and my step mum’s mum passed away so we had to come back early.
I’ve started bullet journalling again, just to try and get back into it as it was so important to my life before PP, I’m taking it easy with a ready set up one but I’m really loving it. Feels second nature and something I missed.
I’ve also been driving a bit more lately, to lidl yesterday for the weekly shop, and to the riverbank with the 2 kids on my own on Friday. It was lovely to walk along the river and point out things to my eldest, my youngest just sat in the buggy taking it all in it was a lovely experience.
I feel like a superwoman lately, it’s amazing to notice the change in myself and I’ve you to thank for a lot of it. Just knowing I can fully recover like you is a really big deal, so thank you for sharing your experience with me <3
Good to hear that you have been taking it easy. Such a good feeling when you take a step back and realise you are moving in the right direction isn’t it?
Taking time out to shop with a friend and challenge that bit of anxiety was a real achievement so I’m glad you were proud. It’s not easy to fight your fears but you have been amazing.
I think a ‘date night’ with hubby is definitely to be continued! As you say, just having time together on your own for a change is lovely. I’m sorry to hear your first attempt ended early following a family bereavement.
Just like the flower I mentioned, it looks as if you are emerging into the light, easing yourself into bullet journalising which you loved and missed? Also your confidence is growing and you have achieved so much ... driving and being out with your children, having fun. Such a lot of positive steps.
You are a superwoman Tara, smashing the barriers holding you back. Feeling so much more confident that you can do this but realise the need to step back some days.
I’m so happy that your CBT sessions have been helpful. We are all very privileged to share in your experience and I’m very grateful that I have been able to talk to you here <3
I feel like I’m going from strength to strength at the minute and it feels wonderful. I’ve picked up my bullet journal, spin for 10k a day and actually enjoy spending time with my kids. All of this was something that would lead me to feel anxious and avoid if I could previously.
There were days I would just sit in the room and not really be present but live out scenarios in my head and that was even after I was home from my psych ward stay.
CBT is nearly over for OCD and I’ve been reading some of the recommended books which have been interesting and helpful, I guess for me it’s knowing that I’m not alone and others have been through this and fully recovered. And my intrusive thoughts are normal, everyone has them but for me when they are distressing I find it hard not to think about the PP and a possible relapse. Next up will be some PTSD treatment so I’m hoping that will help with the flashbacks and memories.
I feel very much like a superwoman at the minute, but I’m also relaxing and taking it easy - even bringing out my iPad to do some drawing in the evenings because that used to calm me.
Hope you had a lovely Easter and got some much needed downtime!
Lovely to hear that you are going from strength to strength and getting into a rhythm.
I remember those days of being blank on the outside but everything was going on in my head.
OCD must be a challenge and you have done really well with all your research. Try not to expect too much of yourself though as you are only a year on from PP and so trying to fix everything will take time.
Some thoughts can get stuck can’t they and it’s hard to distract yourself. I mentioned earlier the verse by Sandra King which I like. I don’t know if you have also heard the poem by Mary Engelbreit “Don”t Look Back” ? Condensed here to a few lines:
“As you travel through life there are always those times when decisions just have to be made.
When the choices are hard and solutions seem scarce and the rain seems to soak your parade!
There are some situations where all you can do is to simply let go and move on.
Gather courage together and choose a direction that carries you toward a new dawn.
So pack up your troubles and take a step forward. The process of change can be tough but think about all the excitement ahead if you can be stalwart enough!
Perhaps you’ll find friendships that spring from new interests as you challenge your status quo
Perhaps you’ll find warmth and affection and caring. A “somebody special” who is there to help you stay centred and listen with interest to stories and feelings you share
Perhaps you’ll find comfort in knowing your friends are supportive in all that you do and believe that whatever decisions you make they will be the right choices for you.
So keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking your life day by day
There’s a brighter tomorrow that’s just round the bend
Don’t look back ... you’re not going that way!” ............
It’s quite long but I thought it might be helpful at times, although too much to remember all of it.
It’s good that you find drawing relaxing ...I’m glad you’re listening to your body when you need to be still as being the super woman you are can be exhausting!
I hope the PTSD sessions will be helpful if a little daunting at first. I imagine it will be stressful to recall scenarios but I’m sure the therapist will be caring and tuned in to your stress.
That’ll be grand when there’s a cafe group for you in Northern Ireland!
I love this “Don’t look back ... you’re not going that way!” thank you so much for sharing it’s a lovely poem that definitely strikes a chord with me!
This week I’ve driven to visit my mum and even took her out for a few hours parking in asda which past me wouldn’t have been able to do for fear of not getting a space, having to reverse but not see - the list of anxieties is endless. I just did it anyway and I’m so proud! I think when you’ve no choice you forget about being scared and just get on with it.
Work is going well and as a family we hosted a BBQ yesterday which was so lovely and not at all scary even though most of my family were there.
I’ve a hen do this weekend which I’m looking forward to even though I’m a little apprehensive. It’s not a big event just a few of us going to Belfast for a ride on the bar bike and then have dinner. Trying not to think about it too much though as that seems to be the best way for me to handle things at the minute.
Never been to a zoom cafe before what’s it like?
Hope you had a good week and got some down time as well. Everything can be all go all the time and it’s not until you are poorly that you realise how important R&R is.
I think that’s a good line from the poem to carry with us “Don’t look back ... you’re not going that way”. I’m so pleased that you liked it.
Sounds like you have had a busy week of smashing those challenges of anxiety. I think you’re amazing, .... especially reversing into a space in the car park, let alone driving! You should be so proud and I’m glad you were. Facing your fears was a huge challenge and you smashed it! It must have been lovely for your mum to have a ride out with you too.
I know I keep relating to songs or poems which have helped me so forgive me if I have mentioned Labi Siffre’s “Something Inside So Strong” before. It’s up there with Elton John as a rebuke to PP and all my anxiety that went with it.
Beginning “The higher you build your barriers ... the taller I become” but the verse that is a real shout out for me is :
“Brothers and sisters when they insist we’re just not good enough
When we know better
Just look ‘em in the eye and say
We’re gonna do it anyway
We’re gonna do it anyway
Because there’s something inside so strong
Though you’re doing me wrong so wrong .......”
Isn’t it lovely to have family round for a BBQ now that restrictions have lifted? Another challenge met!
The hen do sounds a lot of fun on the bar bike and then a meal. I hope you have a great time and go with the flow.
The zoom cafe is brilliant .... just like sitting in your comfy chair and chatting to friends. Everyone is so welcoming and it’s just so lovely to see and hear mums who might be at different stages in their recovery. All women of courage, just like you.
I’m having a good week, thanks. As you say, it’s good to have R&R in your self-care plan. So I hope you get lots before your amazing hen do!!
Gentle GIANT hugs ... take care and thanks for writing.
My husband loves that song and sings it to me quite regularly so that’s so nice to relate it back to recovery and regrowth.
The hen do was last night and it was loads of fun, I loved it! It was so nice to get out out and enjoy other adult company even if it was very boisterous, the food was amazing as well so I had a lovely time!
The family BBQ was just so nice, I love that the restrictions have been lifted, a lot of my delusions was around covid so it’s nice to have a bit of normality.
Me and my mum get on well enough but we aren’t great, she’s an alcoholic and I’m very against her drinking so we argue quite a bit. I was in a car accident, me driving, with her 10+ years ago so I’m always really anxious of having her in the car. If you think about all that that probably makes the fact that I did it an even bigger accomplishment!
Looking forward to the zoom cafe, hope I can have the little ones in bed by then as my hubby works evenings.
I hope you had a relaxing week yourself, and didn’t find it too challenging.
Such a thoughtful hubby you have! The words resonated with me as during my psychosis I was hearing a voice telling me I wasn’t good enough.
It’s good that you were able to enjoy your night out and had fun with the girls on the hen do. I think that’s a measure of how far you have come, when you are enjoying the company of others and not dwelling on anything except letting yourself have fun.
I’m sorry to hear about your car accident with your mum. I think you’re right about facing that fear again being another huge challenge met!
I think you will like the zoom cafe. If your little ones are not in bed, you can still link up with the group. Some mums have their babies with them, so don’t worry, although it would probably be more relaxing for you with time to yourself to chat.
I hope your PTSD sessions are not too taxing if you have started.
I had a good week ....... today I went out with my sons and families for lunch so that was magical.
Sounds like a lovely day I'm so glad you enjoyed it! Connection is so important isn't it? I've had a lovely week and look forward to an even better one this week with Ed Sheran on Friday and a new tattoo on Saturday
I've been cycling for APP 10k every day this month and so far I've noticed a real difference in my moods and I'm able to do a lot more like bullet journalling and some crafting. Definitely noticing the lack of olanzipine in my system now, I barely nap but rather take myself away from everyone and chill instead!
I'm looking forward to the zoom cafe I hope the kids are in bed because then I can properly talk but if they aren't it'll be like a real cafe lol!
My hubby is amazing he really is, I can't believe you all responded to him so kindly (shellshockedhubby) when I was unwell it was so important to him thank you. That's why I'm cycling for APP, it's not just the mummys they help it's the daddys who don't know what's happened when their lives are suddenly shattered.
I'm sorry you had that voice, I too had a similar one - we are giants and full of strength and love never forget that
It’s so good that we can now all get together. So glad you had a lovely week. Wow .... How amazing you will be in the company of Ed Sheeran on Friday! What a great moment in time that will be. So many great songs to go with and the atmosphere electric. I hope the new tattoo on Saturday will be grand.
Such a kind gesture cycling for APP and I’m glad it’s making a real difference for you too. You have definitely pushed away from all that was holding you down and are now emerging into the light ... just like the flower analogy 😊
I think the zoom cafe will be a great place for a chat as I have found. With children it does seem like the real thing, all together enjoying company.
I remember how concerned your hubby was when you were unwell. You’re right that daddy’s also need to feel there is a safe space to come to share how broken they feel, seeing their partners suffering ... someone to understand.
I’ll be thinking of you celebrating with Ed Sheeran ‘in the house’! Have a great time ....
We are Giants in this unique band of mothers of courage..
The concert was amazing, I was so worried about the what ifs but nothing happened except getting to witness a musical genius on stage and Gary Lightbody joined him for Chasing cars so it was dreams come true all round.
Tattoo was sore but so important, I got it with the words “Not all those who wander are lost” It’s my favourite saying and used to refer to my love of travel but now it means so much more.
I’ve been cycling every day for the entire month so far and I’m really loving it and thinking of the mums it helps makes it an even better experience. I’m so overwhelmed by the support I’ve received its honestly amazing. I never really discussed my story on social media (except instagram) so it’s been lovely to see so many friends and family support & message me.
I signed up for the NI cafe I’m really looking forward to it, they’ve also asked if I wanted to share my story for social media so I’m in the middle of writing it. Should be a cathartic experience and one I feel I’m ready to share.
My hubby was my rock through all of it so I’m so happy he was able to find solace on this forum, he writes to other partners when he can.
Hope you had a lovely week and spent it enjoying some nice weather with the family.
I was thinking about you on Friday and I’m so happy you had an amazing time, I like Snow Patrol so that must have been such a special night with Gary Lightbody on stage too. I can also relate to what ifs slipping in but now I say to myself, this time tomorrow the chance will be over, so I am learning to go with the flow and enjoy.
I like the sentiment of your tattoo, I hope it’s not so sore now. Similar to a saying on a calendar I have, “We are never so lost that our Angels cannot find us”
It’s lovely to hear how much you are having fun ‘spinning around’ and helping so many mums in the process. Also that you feel comfortable sharing your experience and have had so many good messages of support.
Not long to wait now until your cafe group meet. It’s a really fun experience, meeting mums with so much in common and yet all unique.
You are amazing Tara and I think when you see your story written down, there will be a moment of “Wow I’ve come through so much.”
I’m having a good week, thank you. Just been catching the breeze in the garden and listening to the birds.
From one Giant to another ever so amazing Giant .... Giant hugs. Take care and thanks for writing. xx
Where you that’s so sweet! I like Snow Patrol too so it was amazing to see Gary on stage!
The What If’s can really get me but you are right we only regret the chances we don’t take, funny my friends want to take the kids to a play farm on the BH in June but I’m pretty anxious about it, last time it was a bit of a palaver where my youngest would cry in the pram and my eldest wouldn’t walk beside me for love or money. I haven’t needed reigns lately but I have a feeling they might be required on that day. I don’t know if I want to go but I’ve come so far I feel like it’s an important milestone, to go have fun with the kids.
I got an APP vest in the post so I’ll be taking pics for the fund-raising team so keep an eye out! I really love it, we were at a wedding this weekend and still I was able to spin happily both days even after a night of dancing and laughter.
I’ve written my story but I think it needs some work so I’ve roped the hubby in to help me tidy it up and make more sense, at the minute it’s just blurb that needs to be fine tuned into an actual story other mums can relate to. I’m not putting pressure on myself because I know APP will do an amazing job with the words I put down but I’d like it to be close to what they need.
I’m looking forward to the coffee night I think it will be an experience I won’t forget in a hurry. I found myself glossing over my illness at the wedding we were at, just saying I was unwell and it was lovely to think I didn’t have to bring it up because it’s not on my mind as much as it used to be… There is a lot to be said for CBT therapy I’m so grateful and privileged to get it.
Sounds like a lovely week, hope you had another one this week, thank you so much for writing I really look forward to reading and replying to you and EmiMum <3
I think we do listen to the what if’s but as in the words of Labi Siffre “ ...... We’re gonna do it anyway ....”. It’s a challenge isn’t it? I think it would be such a memorable milestone if you can go with friends and have fun with your little ones. I think I also can be anxious at times, I tend to be super early if I’m meeting a friend or have an appointment. For example, I recently went by train to meet a friend as we hadn’t been able to meet during Covid. I was at the station 2 hours before the train was due!! She hasn’t been well lately so we had a great time catching up.
I’ll definitely keep an eye out for your pics in your APP vest, such a special thing to do. How lovely to celebrate a wedding with dancing and laughter ... so happy that you are now emerging and feeling more confident.
I think it’s good that your hubby is helping with your story. It’s also a good way for you both to share how you were feeling at the time. From your hubby’s post I can see how much he was hurting to see you broken. So it’s brilliant that you have come so far now.
I hope you are having a good week at work and remembering to take a break if you need to. Even giants need to switch off at times 😊
Thanks for writing .... I also look forward to reading how you are and replying. Always remember how amazing you are.
I think I will do it, can always turn back if the kids are too unruly, I’m going on my own with them tomorrow to visit a friend and her daughter if the weather is good so I’m actually looking forward to that. The farm thing is just a level up from that and I’ve basically done it before so the anxiety shouldn’t be as high!
I like to be early for everything too and get really anxious when I’m the slightest bit late so I get exactly what you mean, I hope you had a wonderful time catching up anyway and the wait wasn’t too boring.
I’m sending pics today so hopefully they’ll be online soon, took ages to get a good pic where I wasn’t a sweaty mess lol! I do it when hubby is at work so trying to get a pic was a bit of a challenge!
The wedding was lovely, such a great day and night and full of everything you’d expect at a wedding! An amazing band, laughter and fun with the people we were sitting with. The bride had a cèilidh (celi - gathering) the day after which we went to for a few hours (littlest one was with the grandparents) which was so much fun too.
I’ve shared my story so it might be part of the NI campaign for APP soon I’m not sure how it works but it’s very exciting. I’ve said before to anyone who will listen. If telling my story means my friends friend notices her friend acting weird after her baby and thinks “hey this looks like what happened Tara” then it’ll all be worth it. It's the fact ppp not mentioned anywhere and no one knows about it that I find hard to handle.
Hope you had a lovely week, this weekend is park visits and shopping so looking forward to some rest and relaxation with the kiddies.
It’s not easy facing those fears but having a back up plan is a good idea as an option to take a step away. I hope the weather’s fine so that you can catch up with your friend today with your little ones. Anxiety is awful, perhaps breathing in and out slowly might help .... breathe in as you imagine the sea rolling in, hold for a second and exhale as the sea leaves the shore.
I’m glad it’s not just me who likes to be early for everything. I’m known for it. Except one time a little extreme when I was outside a venue for a course I was on for St John Ambulance. I was worried as no one else had turned up, only to realise that I was a week early!!
The wedding sounds a great day of celebration and fun. So good be able to get together again isn’t it?
That’s such a lovely gesture to share your story and talking to your friends about your experience. A great challenge which will help so many. I think you’re amazing. I didn’t speak about my episodes many years ago as my parents thought I would be judged so it was a family secret. Thankfully I found APP long after I recovered which made such a difference.
I had a good week. I hope you have a great time in the fresh air with your little treasures ... they grow so quickly and are such lovely company.
Always remember what a super Giant you are 😊 Take care xx
Sorry I’m only getting back now, I’ve had a time of it! Between my 2 acting up at the farm, my interview with UTV (I’m Hannah) and now a tummy bug spreading across the house, I have retreated into myself, when I know I should be reaching out!
I’m going for lunch with my friend today and will probably give myself 30mins to drive 5 but hey ho I can sit in the car and chill with my instagram before they arrive.
The wedding was amazing, we have another one in August in England. I’ve just finished doing the printwork for it (I did the paintwork for the one we were at in May) I’m not a designer but I like design. Everyone always seems pleased with my work so it makes me all warm and fuzzy!
I’m off this week so I hope to spend some time with my little cherubs lol they aren’t bad kids just know what buttons to push to drive me potty. My eldest ran all over the farm and wouldn’t come walk beside the pram, which I couldn’t manoeuvre one handed so my friends had to step in to grab him before he ran off! Then my littlest one got upset (teeth) and was very unsettled, I ended up going home early and cried all the way home it was horrible.
I suppose kids will be kids but I just don’t get why mine can be so badly behaved! It’s hard not to blame myself…
Hope you are enjoying the sunshine where you are, we have a hot but cloudy day here which is making planning activities a little boring, soft play or wellies and a coat and the forest are where we are thinking of heading. Hubby would sit and watch tv all day if I let him lol!
Sorry it’s been so long promise I won’t leave it as long next time
What a lot you have had going on! I hope your family is not too affected by the tummy bug, it’s awful when the ‘house’ is poorly and if you’re not feeling well either. That’s amazing you were interviewed on UTV which must have been stressful if you were recalling your PP episode? Were you able to find time for the virtual cafe group? I was at our local virtual group earlier this month and it was lovely to connect with kindred spirits.
I hope you enjoyed lunch with your friend, such a lot to share. That’s a great talent you have for design, probably quite relaxing after a busy day and so rewarding when you hear all the good comments.
It’s good that you are taking a break this week. I think your eldest must have been super excited to be with you at the farm. I imagine that if he had walked beside you all the time, you would have worried that he wasn’t having fun. Although I know how worried you must have been to see him running off. Teething must be painful for your littlest. I’m sure you have all the ‘gadgets’ ... teething ring in the freezer and during the day ice lollies to ease the pain for a little while.
I think as PP mums we are more on edge as to how we are perceived and how our children behave. Looking back, that’s how I was, so try not to worry, they are happy to be with you.
It’s been very hot and humid here too. The forest sounds a lovely cool place to be and explore on such days.
I did worry that it’s all very well for me to encourage you to step forward but it might be expecting too much of yourself some days and you feel disappointed, like at the farm. So take your time .... you are an amazing mum with way more good times ahead.
Thanks for writing .. only if you have time and feel like it though.
What a Giant star you were being interviewed for UTV. I watched in admiration of how composed you were, only just over a year on from such a frightening PP episode.
So very proud of you .. gave me goose bumps! I can see now why you retreated as you gave so much of yourself for the benefit of other mums and families.
You brought a tear to my eye with that lovely message thank you! It was such a challenge but I just felt like I had to do it, I felt fine after but the cafe night was a bigger challenge. I found it very emotional and struggled to come to terms with some of the stories… really found it hard. I'm guessing next time will be better it's just us getting to know each other.
I’ve just finished my reliving in therapy this week and again I found it difficult to go over in depth something so terrifying, but I know it’s for the right reason. It’s definitely going to help me, I found a lot of my psychosis was related to certain phrases people said - if you said this then that would come true. So we’re going to look at that in more detail which I’m pleased we are going to do. My therapy is really opening up my mind and making things a lot less scary.
I had the kids out today in soft play and they were both so good I’ve had a lovely day but you are right he was just excited at the farm - I just wish he’d listen to me more. I agree with you, PP mums are more on edge that’s something I’m trying to curb but I can feel really anxious about what others think of me and my kids.
Hubby is away in Germany this weekend so I’m on my own with the kids, luckily I have an amazing support network who haven’t left me alone for too long and I have plans for tomorrow as well!
I hope you are having a lovely weekend and have had some amazing moments. I do this thing where every day I count the moments where I’d like to stop time because I’m so content and happy. At the end of the week I might not remember the moments but I’ll remember I had some and that makes it all ok. Just something you might like to try, it really makes every day feel a little special.
It was a challenge and you smashed it talking so openly on UTV. The cafe was another big step for you and I can understand how drained you felt, listening and sharing harrowing experiences isn’t easy.
Fortunately for me, long before the cafes were set up, I met some of the mums for the first time. I remember the night before feeling very nervous and wondering if I should go. Everyone was so welcoming and it was so good to talk ‘out loud’ and be with other mums who really understood. I hope your next cafe group will be easier ... all Giants together who have been through so much.
I’m glad your therapy is making things a lot less scary for you although you are having to dig deep to recall things that are very traumatic memories. I think you will feel the benefit of exploring those times and your therapist will know when you need to take a break.
It’s good to hear you had a lovely day with your little ones at soft play. Sometimes we just need to give ourselves a break but that’s not easy when you are making things fun and also being vigilant. I think as parents we are always anxious but as PP mums we put extra pressure on ourselves. As long as our children feel loved and happy that’s everything ... and you have shown them how much they are loved so they are happy. You’re a great mum Tara, so always remember that. Perhaps you could ask your therapist about why we worry about what others think of us when we know what great Giants we are?
Safe journey home to your hubby. It’s lovely that you have support to lean on if needed and it’s always good to chat to family or friends isn’t it?
Such a lovely feeling to be content and happy .... great moments for you and special. Moments in time are so good to look back on and you have many to look forward to.
I’ve had a good weekend, thank you, visiting my dad and watching Wimbledon. Watching Glastonbury last weekend was amazing!
I hope you have a good week ... stepping carefully as a Giant.
Thank you, I really felt like I handled everything really well so I was a bit shocked that I drained myself the way I did, the next cafe I hope will be easier on me mentally, I can’t believe how drained I felt after! But it was amazing to see so many of us and so lovely to be able to relate to all the stories being told.
I don’t have an apt with CBT this week and didn’t have one last week (my therapist has covid) but when we get stuck into my reliving I know we’ll be able to reshuffle things in my mind and make them more tolerable.
Thank you, I don’t always feel like a great mum, most of the time I’m winging it but I think a lot of us are, some are just a wee bit better at looking put together than others (I’m in the not put together group)! It was so nice to have a day out with the kids and not leave early because of their behaviour, another challenge met!
I managed the weekend with the hubby away, I can’t say I slept the best but I managed it! This weekend we’ve taken it easy doing very little but lots of walks and memories and I’m just off my spin bike (still keeping up with it!) My support network is amazing I really do know how lucky I am! We had visits today from my MIL and my daddy & stepmum it was so nice to have them all under the same roof albeit for a short time.
Glastonbury and Wimbledon both looked amazing, sounds like a fantastic few weeks! Hope you had fun this weekend too I imagine the heat is making it hard to do things!
Thanks for writing. I think you put your heart and soul into the interview and cafe so it must have been exhausting. Perhaps a bit of fear of the unknown kicking in but I think the next cafe group will be easier as you know what to expect in a way. Lovely to all be together, even if virtually.
Sorry to hear about your therapist having covid and so your appointments were cancelled. It’s not going to be easy but sometimes saying things ‘out loud’ is helpful at bringing memories up and letting them go.
You are a great mum Tara, like all of us having been through more than most for the love of our children. I think it’s a confidence thing until you believe in yourself. I was the same and would always take a step back if I was in the company of other mums as I was ‘different’. Now I realise I should have been proud of being ‘different’ or in the ‘not put together’ group as you say because we had a fight on our hands and battled our way through some dark times to be where we are today. So please .... be proud of yourself and know what a Giant you really are! Your children are excited to be out with you so enjoy their moments with them, even if a bit of chaos creeps in, they are memories made.
You did really well to manage a weekend alone without your hubby’s support although you had help waiting in the wings if needed. It’s good to take it easy and have company round for a good catch up isn’t it? I’m glad you have support around you ... always good to lean on now and then.
I’ve had a good weekend thanks, although wilting a bit in this intense heat.
I hope you have a good week ... be kind to yourself.
I just had another cafe the other night and it was very different, definitely a more relaxed environment - we still discussed PP but there was more to it than that, it was lovely!
I think I’ve let a lot go about what happened, I would love to work on the trauma and will as soon as he’s better but I feel like the reliving made me realise a lot of things. 1. it wasn’t my fault. 2. I was always dealing with professionals so I don’t need to be embarrassed 3. my family love me that’s why they took on my care, 4. my kids are not affected by what happened at all and still love and adore their mama. Those are the most important factors towards what’s “eating away at me”, and I’m working through them.
Thank you for your kind words!! I feel like it’s so easy to compare myself to my SIL (who has 2 kids under 5 as well) because she can take hers to restaurants by herself and swimming and the cinema but she doesn’t have the anxiety I have and I’m working on it every day so one day I might be able to do some of these things! I took the kids on my own to Tesco the other day and they were so good and I was so proud. I keep challenging myself which I feel is so important. We’ve made loads of wonderful memories the past few weeks from days out with young cousins to more cousins visiting us at home and having a play date, hearing my son say “my friends” when he talks about them all just melts my heart.
I always loved the saying “We Are Stars Wrapped In Skin The Light You Are Seeking Has Always Been Within” I’m beginning to realise how important self love and compassion is to recovery, that starts with being kind to ourselves. I hope you are too!
I met the aux nurse from the Mat ward in Lidl the other day and was able to tell her I was unwell that’s why I behaved the way I did, I feel such a weight has been lifted and I have a sense of peace around what happened there, she was able to see my happy, fun-loving kids (little one shouting mama at the top of her lungs all through the shop!) and I was able to tell her I had PP and ended up in the psych ward but I’m recovering now and feel a lot better. It was such a nice chance encounter.
We didn’t have intense heat, we were waiting for 30 but it got close just no where near what England got. Did you cope ok? Is it going down now? Have you any holidays planned? We forgot to get littlest’s passport so no hols this year we don’t think. Biggest is starting school in Sept so we can’t really take him out (watch this space though cos I’d love a holiday!)
That’s lovely that you felt more relaxed in your second cafe group, all linked by PP but lots of other things to share. I do like the cafe groups here too, such lovely virtual friends.
I’m so happy to hear you have realised 1. PP wasn’t your fault. I think that was such a relief for me to hear when I came to the forum and was reassured I had no choice. 2. We were treated by professionals and they probably knew what to expect when we were in front of them. It’s all confidential too so no need to be embarrassed. 3. You are definitely loved by your family and friends who took on your care because it’s unconditional ....your hubby knew his treasured wife needed help. 4. Your little ones love and adore you and as you say, you’re making loads of memories with them. Always remember how amazing you are Tara, working through your anxiety, looking after your family and working from home as well is a lot after such a traumatic experience ... you are smashing all those barriers, one step at a time.
That’s a lovely thought provoking saying. I think the light within is our inner child and you’re right that we need to be kind and compassionate to ourselves. I’m working on it too!
What a chance encounter with the aux nurse. That was valuable for her too as you highlighted PP which she might not have known about. It’s such a relief to find peace of mind isn’t it as you unlock all those unknown fears. Your little ones have such a good time with you and are excited ... hearing ‘mama’ echoing around Lidl is priceless and such a treasured memory.
I found the heat on Tuesday a bit too much and hibernated .... mind you, the washing dried in minutes so that was good. It’s much cooler now for being out and about. No holidays planned as I’m a carer for my dad who relies on me as he’s housebound in his flat. NI has some lovely places to visit if you can’t go abroad .... not least The Giant’s Causeway 😊 Have you seen the tv ad for the bank with horses running and a few lines of “Giant” playing? I always think of you and PP mums .... I join in with the “oooh”!!
I hope an amazing Giant has an amazing week. Thanks for writing.
I love having virtual friends I really smile when I read your messages, sorry I’ve taken so long to respond it’s been a busy month! We went to a wedding in England via the ferry to Scotland and a 4 hour drive so that was tough going, then I went to a work party in London by myself (train from Bradford) and got back in time for the wedding (the next day!) after the wedding we went dino hunting in Leeds and then headed back home, so we needed a few weeks to recover from that! It was lovely though, looking back, we made some lovely memories.
Definitely feel like I’m smashing barriers, I’m actually back to work full time next Thursday and I have to say I’m very excited about it, I think it’ll be tough on us all but me being back doing what I did before it all is just such an important step it’s like a kick in PPs face, I was down but I got up again!! Thank you so much for all your support through this, I really appreciate it.
It can’t be easy for you with your dad I do hope you get some rest and relaxation when you can, how do you find the time to write to all the mummys in the forum you are an angel <3
I love the horses ad and always think of us lol! I’ve noticed since I started to recover, my thoughts are songs more often than worries and I love singing Giant in my head - another few favourites are from Frozen II and Tangled (I walked down the aisle to that song)
Thanks for being patient with me sorry I took so long to respond
Lovely to hear from you though never worry about replying as it’s only if you have time or feel like it. So good to hear you have been out and about, travelling here and there, making memories ... 🦕 hunting in Leeds sounds like great fun!
It’s a great big step forward that you are excited about going back to work. How amazing you are .... emerging like that flower I talked about earlier, pushing up from everything holding you back. Such a star! I’m very grateful for all our chats, so thank you so much too. I like writing on the forum as it’s the only place I talk and share my experience. My sons are very supportive and caring. I think I mentioned the shame I felt for years which lifted when, by chance, I found APP.
I think the first few words of the “Giant” chorus are good to reassure us if we doubt ourselves ... and I always think of us PP mums and smile when I hit that note ... oooh!! How magical that you walked down the aisle to Tangled, no doubt looking amazing. I love songs to distract any worries. I also find some of the lines to “This is Me” from The Greatest Showman are also a rebuke to PP as well as a favourite “I’m still Standing” to shout out and dance to 😊
I’ll be thinking of you on Thursday ... full-time is a big step so please remember to pace yourself and take your breaks. Thanks as always for writing but don’t worry if you can’t fit it in again as family and work come first.
Sending Giant virtual hugs to you Tara <3 .. such a privilege to have met you here. Take care.
Thanks so much for the kind message, I have to admit I’m struggling a lot and it’s only day 2. I expect myself to be back where I was before PP and I’m not. I second guess everything that used to be so natural, it’s almost as if I need an injection of confidence & someone to follow me around helping me make decisions.
I think when I first started doing things after PP I felt this way and it took a while for the confidence to build so I need to give it time. I just hate feeling like I’m a burden on the company I worked so hard to help build up.
I guess I need to get this week over me and then see how I feel and if I still feel like that then I need to speak up to HR and see if anything can be done. At the end of the day having me in work & happy is our main goal and there are things that can be done, so I have to try!
I love The Greatest Showman! One thing I’ve noticed as I get better is that instead of my mind always being negative it’s starting to just sing occasionally which is lovely. Mainly things from Frozen, that Elton number and now “This is me” I love the lyrics to this one too it’s so powerful!
GIANT hugs thanks so much for writing I really love our chats
Lovely to hear from you though I’m sorry you have been struggling a lot. I think you need to ease yourself back into work gently. You must feel so exhausted having to second guess everything. You have done really well at home, pacing yourself and taking a step back if needed. So perhaps you were eager to fit right back in at work but it’s not so easy? Don’t be hard on yourself as you are amazing to even be at work after having been through so much.
I think it’s a good idea to speak to HR next week, or even before then if possible to put your mind at rest? Perhaps a phased return might help you to adjust? I’m sure as you are such a valued team member at work they will want to do all they can to make your return more comfortable for you.
Never forget how amazing you are Tara, coping not just with work but caring for your treasured family. I hope you are managing to sleep and rest after such a challenging time.
Extra GIANT hugs .... thanks so much for finding time to chat. Be kind to yourself xx
Thanks so much for your message, today has been a much better day. I've handled everything that has been thrown at me and I've organised some projects that were a little messy so I feel pretty good today. There is talk about me taking on another role temporarily so the change will be nice, I think I could do a good job too so we'll see how things go! I have a review with HR next week to see how I'm settling in and discuss anything they can do to help me so I'll maybe say that if I need an hour off (unpaid) to unwind I need to be able to take it. Not quite phased return but definitely more suitable for me! I am finding the days flying I'm so busy, it's great though, I think I'll settle in grand just need to give myself time and compassion.
How has your week been? Have you noticed the turn in the weather? I've been singing this is me a lot this week lol such a good song and great movie!
So good to hear you had a better day and things are coming together for you. The temporary role sounds like a change so I think it would be nice as a way of putting your own stamp on it .... you always do a good job so please believe in yourself. I hope your review with HR goes well next week and I think they’ll agree to your ‘time out’ idea when you need it.
That’s so true that you need to give yourself time and compassion. As mums we like to be multi-tasking and forget to be kinder to ourselves, so I hope you can find space in your busy days just for you.
I’m so happy that as you get better, you have noticed that sometimes with your thoughts being negative you can now turn them around and sing occasionally. I like relating songs to how I’m feeling. I recently heard a song from the Dear Evan Hansen musical “You will be found”. One comment was that this song should be the anthem for mental health awareness .... lyrics such as :
”Even when the dark comes crashing through ..... When you need a friend to carry you .... And when you’re broken on the ground .... You will be found “ ......
I think I also mentioned earlier here that I liked the Sandra King verse beginning “Be like the single blade of grass ......” I have now likened it to a small evergreen shrub in my garden which I can see from the kitchen window. I’ve had it a few years now and even though at times it’s been weighed down by even the snow last year and all weathers, as the words reflect ..... “Yet still she stands upright with dignity, knowing that she endures and still she dances with the wind.” So at times I look out and check in with myself that I’m still dancing with the wind !
So Tara, I hope you have a lovely relaxing weekend. We have had few showers here today so it’s been nice and fresh.
Giant hugs .... thanks for writing, always lovely to chat here when you have time xx
it has been a while since I wrote to you, - I often take a break from the forum as I can relate to "rollercoasting your way through life", because of turbulences.
I do agree with Lilybeth, allow yourself time and space, full time schedule puts pressure on oneself, expectations and too much short/long term planning may lead to stressors/triggers,-
... we are often our worst critics, which can spiral us downwards. It is like tight in, tight out where our self esteem and confidence is continuously battered by external factors or our own rut race in trying to be super mum striving towards perfection.
Reading through your thread I can see your improvements and your willingness to receive therapeutic support. Please, do not be so harsh on yourself.
Anxiety and flash backs have been there, but my coping mechanisms have helped me to improve those demons. Flashbacks were often triggered via my sensory processing.
I experienced so many times flight, fight or freeze moments and there can be other defence mechanisms reflecting a constant survival mode, either because of recent events or further afield such as negative childhood experiences.
Be kind to yourself. You are doing exceptionally well.
Thanks for writing I know what you mean, I only respond when my head is clear enough to write. I think you are all right about me being too hard on myself and I need to acknowledge how far I've come. I just want to be better now! I feel more myself this past few weeks thanks to you amazing mamas supporting me.
The surprise of the health visitor today was lovely, she had heard my story through my own hv and my hv said she was so proud of me and my hubby for recovering as well as I have. I was nearly in tears it was so nice. She even gave me a hug. She also said the midwives would have been trained to deal with someone in my position so I shouldn't think twice about how I acted in the maternity ward. These flashbacks haunt me the most, along with the very unwell thoughts and feelings I had when home alone with my hubby, MIL and kids!
Like I said to Lilybeth and EmiMum I have grounding techniques which work well when I go into my thoughts and experience flashbacks. The trouble is at the moment everything triggers a thought or feeling or flashback, my CBT therapist wants me to list triggers but I'd be listing my full day! Did you find that?
it is so helpful to be able to be reflective as it shows in your recovery and in a way journalising with us.
When poorly or triggered I often write on here as it helps me to focus and in reminding me that I practice what I breach. Being mindful and kind to myself when bombarded by triggers or poorliness just takes its cause. With BP it is not necessarily a trigger which makes you poorly.
Recovery is quite a journey and so personal, because of our uniqueness. Your support system sounds fabulous. I was in a similar boat with my after care. I have had a health visitor, a thorough and delve deep Psychiatrist, who was interested in holistic approaches and our family dynamic and then of course my GP and care coordinator.
My triggers from last week: My mum and surrogate mum getting poorly, this hopeless war in the EU, brown letter and MH assessment...
in addition being with my son and organising stuff, because of half term (can be exhausting, more of a stressor, not a trigger)
Result: low since Sunday
coping strategies
- infra red lamp morning and evening for my trigger point physically, which is sinus and swelling
- aroma therapy when in front of the screen
- Yoga often combined with cleaning the house and dancing
- meditation and intention setting which is reflecting love and kindness for oneself, family and friends, the wider community and crisis in the world, including expressing gratitude to mother Earth and the Universe
- to be in the momentum
- reduce or cut off social media, including face book, I minimise news to 20 minutes
- peer support and volunteering
- constantly ;learning: at this moment I am participating in the shift networks 5 days "Science of Healing Summit", yesterday on quantum physics with Deepak Shopra and an Interview with four very different healers and health professionals about the topic Psychedelics and Mental health...(I usually access those for 1-2 hours in short spurts of 30 minutes in between activities
- yesterday gardening or walking my neighbours dog
- being with people who do not drain out more energy
- of course practicing a Reiki life style enjoying Buddhist philosophies
- Pot Casts (Reiki, healing, meditation etc.)
I thought I show you how I tick, but this is because of BP. Striving towards being none-judgmental, not comparing or expecting helps a lot.
When recovering from Psychosis, especially in the first few years were focusing on establishing primary needs and learning how to stand tall again and particularly "role positioning" as mum and partner. My insomnia was dreadful hence my artistic abilities now creativity is a great healer!!!
Thanks for writing I think you are right I'm using this forum as a journal, hope thats ok lol I do find it helpful to write, I've been told there will be a cafe for NI mums soon so I am very excited to get involved.
Thank you for sharing your techniques and "triggers" it's really helpful to see how other people handle what goes on in their mind! I have to say I need to do more to help myself I find socialising with people who know what I've been through very helpful. I had a laugh with my friend last week about something I said to her when I was just beginning to recover and it's true about it being the best medicine I really felt joy laughing rather than fear of being or sounding manic!
This forum has been fantastic, I really feel that connecting with other mums who have been there so helpful. Would you recommend any essential oils for aromatherapy? I'd like to try that. Also if you can, can you recommend some podcasts for me I'd love to get back into walking with a podcast now the evenings are getting brighter.
Thank you for your message and yes, that would be fantastic news, if you could get involved with the café! When more time I am going to get you some links. In the mean time look after yourself, and yes of course journalising in many forms is fabulous including unloading worries and sharing happiness and lived experiences in general on here. It is still very therapeutic for me as well. xxx
I am sitting here writing to you and my diffuser is on full blast
I have a box with a selection of essential oils and depending on my moods I use it accordingly to their healing remedy. I started to mix certain oils again and the combination can be lovely.
There are soothing and uplifting oils. I use the firm ESSENTIAL, but there are lots of different kinds on the market. I believe it is important that you get 100% pure essential oil.
The experts of course would be Aroma Therapists. There are tons of information on the internet, but you certainly have to have a know how of the oils and how to use them. It is worthwhile to do a little bit of research first.
In addition it is not to everybody's liking, I usually turn the inhaler off when sharing the same room with big and little man.
Safe Ways to Inhale Essential Oils.
By evaporation using tissue or cotton round. Add some drops of your favourite essential oils onto a tissue or cotton ball. Place on a table, desk, ...
Using in a diffuser. Add essential oils with water to your diffuser and allow to evaporate. Add 6-8 drops of essential oils. You can blend two or more ...
Spraying into the air. Deodorize your room and surroundings using DIY essential oil room sprays. To spray essential oils into the air, mix the oil in ...
Through bathwater. Using essential oils in bathwater promotes inhalation as well as topical absorption.
With regards to meditation, it is such a personal thing. I use guided meditation often or just music combined with Reiki. Having suffered for such a long time with Insomnia I do appreciate my sleeping routine, which I just established 8 years after PPP.
May I suggest you do a bit of trial and error by just using the search engine "meditation music", "guided meditation", chakra balancing music etc. There is a lot of choices and I am sure you will find something tailor-made for you.
Thanks so much for the info on oils I think I'd like to try that, even while I'm working to keep anxious thoughts at bay and keep me focused. I also like the idea of bathwater as I love a relaxing bath but I always bring my tablet to watch netflix lol! When I was in labour I sat in the bath with candles lit everywhere and it kept me very calm and connected to my body.
I did a calm guided meditation the other evening and it was lovely, all about breathing into different parts of the body, I felt amazing after!
I'm off my olanzipine as off last night so I hope to be able to sleep on my own!
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and allow yourself plenty of time. I was still extremely poorly in the first 2 years.
nevermind controlling the 2 of them like you do. It is all in progresive steps, but look how well you are doing, truly. 
sorry I just think everyone would be doing and feeling these things after a year - it’s a long time!! But thank you for being so kind to me and for your replies they mean so much 
- might give that one a few weeks. 
How were you treated by others when you had PP? 
Virtual hand holding maybe?
Sorry to keep going on but I'm really struggling at the moment. Sorry if I've said all this before in earlier posts.
