Woke this morning around 5am and couldn't get back. Instead my brain started worrying about stupid things like what I was going to do on my birthday NEXT year (which will be my 60th) and how other people have big parties or celebrations and I can't face doing any of that but would like to mark it somehow. None of that is rational and all I my mind was doing was going round and round in circles about something not even important in the great scheme of things! I could see that, but my heart was racing and palpitating, my mouth dry and I felt panicky. I tried listening to Bodyscan and relaxation tapes on my Ipod and that helped while I was listening but then when it was time to get up, I seemed to get worse - my stomach was churning and I can't eat, even though what I was thinking about in bed I am no longer thinking about, but whether or not I can cope with the day (meeting friends out and having them back for dinner). I feel so pathetic and have been in tears of panic; I feel exhausted with it and really fed up. Outside it's sunny and everyone will be enjoying the sunshine except for me, so I will once again feel like a freak. My husband gets tired of being a 'broken record' - going over the same ground again and again to reassure me. I want to help myself, but I'm running out of ideas and at times like this I don't feel I can carry on like this.
I am due to have another assessment appointment on Tuesday at the psychiatric hospital and the final one on Thursday but tbh I am not sure whether I fit the bill for Borderline PD and fear they will just say they can't help me at all.
At 59 I feel I should be over all this by now and no one seems to understand how awful I feel sometimes. I feel like a failure and a total loser.
I don't want to take meds as they've not helped in the past - I just feel worse and can't take SSRIs for my depression because they interact with the Imigram I take for migraines (and the combination could be dangerous apparently). So any ideas for self-soothing that I can try in times of severe anxiety and hopelessness? I am struggling.