I’ve always had anxiety but I can say for the most part I’ve had a good life and when I’m able to overcome my anxiety I love my life. There’s just something about January that get me so down though. I love the last part of the year when fall comes and soon all the holidays come and I’m usually so happy that time of year, but after a few weeks into January )for the past 5 years of my life or so) I always start to feel uncontrollably anxious and depressed. I actually just got a new job I was hoping to get. I have a loving family and a loving boyfriend but in-spite of the fact I’m incredibly lucky I find myself uncontrollably sad this time of year and I don’t know why!
The hard part about my anxiety (and I’m sure that others experience similar feelings) I’ll start to feel and think things, or become afraid of things that are unreal and I don’t know why or where it comes from. In fact sometimes I stop feeling like myself completely which is terrifying. It takes over my brain until I can distract myself enough to get it out of my head for long enough to become better. These spells of sadness usually last a few months but sometimes longer and the fact I don’t know how long it will last is a fear in itself. I have people who love me but I still feel alone through these sad feelings. They don’t quite understand but even those who try don’t quite get it. I’m in my early 20’s so I’m fairly young and for someone my age I don’t have a very large social group, in fact I’d say I really only have my family and boyfriend (who I live with). I have a strong bond with him but this new job is going to bring challenges to our relationship. Previously I was unemployed which is probably played a part in getting me so down, having nothing to do. While I’m glad I got this job I’ll be working Monday through Friday 9 to 5. He works the graveyard shift security Thursday night to Monday night. I’m afraid that combined with my January depression and this lack of seeing each other it’s going to spell trouble for us. I’m hoping that we can make it to spring that’s when he may be joining the fire department when work for 48 hrs straight and then be done for the week. I’m also not looking forward to the fact that I’ll be spending less time with my parents and brothers (admittedly I spend more time with my family than most people my age do). Ultimately I feel like I’m going to have to get used to spending more time alone which I’m sure I could handle if it wasn’t January. The fact that January involves a lot of being inside and starring at screens for entertainment makes it worse. In December people are happy with loved once and friends doing holiday actives so the dullness of the cold doesn’t sink in yet.
It feels good to write this all down however and I’m glad I did. Does anyone else also dread January?