Feelings of Constant Knot Underneath My Ribs in the Middle of My Stomach.

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I was on a couch watching property brothers with this girl I like, and we're laying down. I'm right next to her cuddling her. She turns around on her stomach and just looks at me while she is laying on her crossed arms slightly smirking. Hair is covering her eyes so I moved it until I could see her and I follow that up by smiling sheepishly. I put my hand right under her ear, gently pulling her closer to me as I kiss her for the first time. Then it hits me, I don't feel anything. It strikes me in a manner of which I am angry now that I reflect on it. I wanted those feelings. I wanted to feel like I was 17 again. Why cannot I feel? It's been so long to where I've grown accustomed to this constant knot in my torso. Only traumatic events help me rediscover my humanity. I desire to be happy, but is happiness a state of mind or is it feeling inside of me?