Circling the drain

[Christory77]

It’s been a while since I posted anything. I’ve read journaling helps so maybe this is the start of a journal. For the past year my life seems no longer to belong to me. Out of the blue I had a panic attack one night and it never ended. I only seem to leave my house to grocery shop or go to appointments I don’t cancel at the last minute. My mind has taken over. I have these head sensations. I can’t really explain them. Not exactly a headache. It’s like if you hold your breath and you get a rush. It’s that feeling constantly. Followed by an almost pressure feeling. That leads to me feeling like I’m just not present. I can’t explain it like I want to. So I have periods where I have those sensations over and over. My face feels warm my ears start ringing and I just do t get out of bed. Other times I have stomach feelings. Not really intense pain just a constant moving around uneasy stomach feeling. I was told I should have my gallbladder removed but I’m no where near ready for that. I’ve had a few weeks in there where I was somewhat better but the rug seems to always be pulled out from under me unexpectedly. I was given a prescription for Xanax and zoloft. Medication terrifies me. The thought of adding side effects on top of what I feel hourly is just to much to handle. I have tried the xanax twice and I feel like it helped. I took half of a .5 pill on 2 separate occasions. I just worry about becoming addicted to them. I’m honestly feeling as low as I’ve felt throughout this process. I sit alone in my room and do nothing but think about it. I’ve never cried so much as I have with all of this. I had 39 years of just living my life and this last year has robbed me of everything.

[Agora1]

Hi Christory77, Your title "Circling the Drain" say a lot about where you feel you are at. It does feel like that for a lot of us who don't seem to make any progress but just go around in circles, never starting, never ending. I've been where you are as well as many others on the forum. All the sensations you describe were there until I became agoraphobic. It just takes that one unknowing panic attack to instill a fear so deep inside us that it's hard to come out of. Yes our mind does take over but in a negative way. We need to do something to break that negative spiraling down.

Sometimes we need to use a crutch or bandage in just getting started in moving forward. It's too easy to stay stuck, stay in bed, stay in the house and it does nothing for the symptoms of anxiety. Taking medication for a short time has it's place in getting better as well as having therapy in order to address the root of these physical symptoms. I cried too every day, afraid to go forward but more afraid of staying where I was.

Christory, seriously think about how different your life can be by taking that leap of faith and start on the medication prescribed for you as well as getting into therapy. While you are doing both, start reading and learning everything you can about anxiety and the mind/body connection. So that when you get off the meds, you will have a safe place to go, a map cut out in your mind as in how to go forward on your own.

Continue using the forum for support and understanding and comfort which is so important when feeling so helpless at the beginning. Share the chapters of your journey and know that you are never alone. We lean on each other in times of crisis as well as celebrate the joys in our lives. You have found a caring/safe forum to come to. We are always here for each other. x

[Christory77 in reply to Agora1]

Thanks for that awesome response. I’m in counseling now. I actually have 2 counselors just so I can be seen twice a week. Weird but at the time I needed that. I guess since the last setback about 2 weeks ago I’m back to being stuck in my room. I don’t feel like I can safely drive to the appointments. The Xanax did help a lot and not in a drugged kind of way. Seemed to take the edge off just enough where it was noticeable but not high if that makes sense. I just worry about addiction. As far as the zoloft my worries are the hell people go through when the medications inevitably stop working and then you have to start over. I just feel really stuck right now. Kind of damned if I do damned if I don’t.

[Agora1 in reply to Christory77]

I totally understand Christory77, but we can't stay stuck. When I was where you are at, I had everyone coming to me. From my therapist, doctor, nurses, lab techs etc. That was an easy way out for me but just built the wall around me higher. From home therapy, I went to phone therapy. There were times I cried after therapy because it took work on my part and I was worn out physically and mentally in fighting this anxiety.

One day, when I got so sick and tired of being in my home, of fighting the symptoms day in and day out, I reflected on all the therapist and I had talked about over the years (yes years) and a light bulb went off in my mind. I had been approaching anxiety all the wrong way. I was fighting it and it was getting stronger as I got weaker.

I referred back to a book by Dr. Claire Weekes that was collecting dust on my bookshelf. It had been years since I read it but it made sense in what the therapist was telling me. I had to ACCEPT anxiety for what it was. Not harmful, a bully that controlled my mind negatively. It was time for a showdown and I was finally ready.

What I'm basically saying is medication, therapy all have that place in getting well but in the end, it's got to come from you willing to accept and make the changes necessary to go forward. It will happen for you as it did for me. Be patient, Be strong, always go forward. We will help you because we care. x