hi i'm new with anxiety disorder

[ganache]

i just notice recently i have severe anxiety case, i resigned from my last company because i had a conflict with one of senior there who set me up to make mistakes in front of big client and she also likes to tell department head for small mistakes like scanning files to department head (i'm only an intern) she plays victim when she's stucks and act superior when she found my mistakes. i developed trust issues because of her.

then i got a job at school as administration and menial works which is underpaid and physically very tiring, the boss never gives me the contract, and then she fired me within 9 days with reason that i'm too smart for their standard and they just want a worker who is said mellow and follow order without question (well their most worker are from remote area, and i think it ticked someone when i request for invoices recapitulation)

after that i start to have money issues and i have to find job again, i kept failing and failing from one interview to other interview, i start to lose my mind, but kept fighting and fixing my cv, get better results in psychotest, get better in interview, from failing i got 3 straights offering, i refused the first one because everything is too sudden and i'm afraid, i cold sweat, i feel choked, my heart beats uncontrolled, and i lied to them that i got offering for intern position in other country, the second offer is not really stressful, the people are nice but the job is not erm...whatchamaycallit, legal, they told me that i have to make import documents that supposed to be made by supplier and not allowed to be made by importer and sign on it with already prepared signature designs, i resign on the spot. next i got a huuuge offering from biggest tycoon company in country, the intervie process was awful. the user told me that i was nothing and only worth minimum wage because i lack of skill despite my couple years experiences, my iq was so so, and my gpa is way below of his standard, but the next day i got the offering, i already work on my first day in whatchamaycallit company, so i refused it, but it seems they never met someone who refuses their offer and keep questioning me about why i choose the current company over them, then the manager called me and keep asking me to come to their company and i feel so anxious, confused and start to blabbering about my anxiety disorder which is stupid.

and they told me to call them after talk to my parents, i go home, and since i'm worried about my financial condition, i called the tycoon manager, and it seems he also start to second guess me, but promised to call me today

well this morning he indeed called me, but i was out to minimart and my phone was charged. i text him and he hasn't call me again, it's already 3 hours. i actually doesnt want this job because i'm afraid with the user and their company style, i want to refused but my mom said that they will be angry if i send them email i dont want their offering, my mom bet they already lose their interest on me, which actually relieving, but i'm still afraid if the call me again.

i want job but i dont want job, helppppp

[Savannah_claire_]

You've been through a lot it seems. I'm really sorry to hear that, just know that you're not alone. I want a job but I don't at the same time because of my anxiety so I understand where you are coming from. Just take a deep breath, everything will fall into place, you're not going to have it all figured out by tomorrow and if the guy doesn't call you back then so what. You're stronger than you think and you will have a job, it might take a little time but by the end of the day, at least you tried! Anxiety can get in the way sometimes but you and me need to chose to not let it. Everything will be OK!

[ganache in reply to Savannah_claire_]

Thank you very much for your reply. in the end I got the job, but now I'm afraid how to make friends here and how to not get fired.

It seems like the people are nice and not as scary as I think,

but I don't think I can get friend here... or maybe that just my fear. I hope for the best, and keep calculating what worst can come

[Savannah_claire_ in reply to ganache]

Of course! and honestly, this is a new opportunity, start fresh and be confident! You got this! Don't be afraid to make friends, and don't be afraid to get fired! They hired you for a reason! Just show them more how great you are at your job!

[Indigojoe in reply to ganache]

Ganache, you sound young and we all have life lessons. What I read in your post is that you are very worried about how other people think of you. Turn your attention inwards and become the best of who YOU are. The best worker, the best of what your qualifications are and spend your time doing YOUR JOB. You JOB is not a place to worry about making friends. You job is to WORK and give the company 100% of you attention, and your skills. Do no use the job as a playground. Use it to develop you skills