I had the worst panic attack so far

My boyfriend and I got into a fight and he left, and then once he left I couldn't remember what was going on AT ALL. I was totally out of it. I was having hot flashes, somewhat forgetting where I was and felt like I was floating through a dream. Everything I did was completely erased from my memory like 10 seconds after I did it. I was dizzy and I felt hopeless and I really thought "this is it i'm going to die or lose my mind". so I tried to lie down and take deep breaths but I couldn't even remember what I was doing, my vision was weird and when I tried to move I felt sick and my muscles were clenched so hard that they all hurt. I could barely move. Anyways, I took a xanax, called my boyfriend absolutely freaking out and saying I had to go to the hospital, he came back. Well when he came back I just flipped and started screaming at him (I have no idea why) I felt like I was losing my mind yelling stuff like "you made me go crazy" "i'm crazy now" because the fight was what gave me the panic attack, but he was totally calm and helped me get ready and into the car and once we got to the hospital I couldn't even go in because i was so scared. (does that make sense?) so we drove around for a bit and eventually I calmed down, we went home, still nothing felt real at all but I was so tired I just fell asleep.

This doesn't always happen when I'm panicking. Lately I just feel like a goldfish, like I'm forgetting everything right after it happens and my brain is moving through mud. I have weird symptoms, some painful ones and some scary ones and some that are just weird, and my derealisation is super high. I've been having so many panic attacks lately. The sliiightest stressful thing makes me lose my mind. I also want to pick a fight with everyone. I don't know why, because fighting with people always makes my anxiety worse, but I just freak out and get irritated over nothing and snap. I'm so scared that I'm losing my mind or I have something worse than anxiety, physically or mentally. I'm in CBT, taking meds and seeing a psychiatrist. I just don't know what to do. Should I have myself committed?

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The short answer to your question is no You are not psychotic or a danger to yourself or others. You have anxiety disorder and possibly ocd. Those issues are serious, but not a reason for being in a psychiatric unit. You are doing all the right things with the meds and the therapy and so on - so dont worry about that. What you might not be taking into account is that treatment takes time to work - it will vary from person to person depending on the severity. You would not expect a person suffering from pneumonia to recover as quickly as a person with a head cold - there is a disparity in the severity of the illness. Same for what we have - some people will be affected more severely than others and therefore take longer to recover. That recovery may have bumps along the way.

Sounds to me like your partner is a good one for you. His reaction was exactly the right one - being the area of calm around yo and allowing you the space to settle down.

When you are going through therapy it may be that it brings out certain issues which are difficult to deal with- you may be reacting to that. But stick with it - it is your best chance of beating the anxiety. Its ok if you have the occasional wobble or setback - you are recovering from a serious condition that has ruled your life, and the anxiety does not give up so easily. Be proud of what you have achieved so far and have faith in yourself - don't give up or get discouraged because of a stumble along the way.

Karl.