Stuck in a cycle

[KarateKenny]

I'm having trouble letting go of this female friend that I was interested in. I constantly seek support on places like this or from friends and I still struggle with loneliness and depression. I told myself I'd try to meet new women to get over her but I never talk to that many people and try to get to know them on a deeper level. Like female coworkers I talk to but never interact with them outside of work (I'd be fine just being friends with them since I've found I'm generally more comfortable around females). It's also kinda weird since most of them are in high school still or taken. I tried asking a girl out last week but that didn't work out. I'm really trying to figure this out

[AnxiousSilver]

"I'm having trouble letting go of this female friend that I was interested in."

Are you talking about that same female cowaorker from a while back? (that we talked about together)

[KarateKenny in reply to AnxiousSilver]

No this is a different girl that I knew for longer. It was a girl that I asked out. We were in the class together. She said yes, but the next day when I was texting her she told me she had a boyfriend. I felt very depressed after this, but we still decided to be friends.

Eventually I opened up to her about my depression and suicidal thoughts. Also about how a lot of it has stemmed from struggling to find a girlfriend. We agreed to meet up for some college club, but she was really flakey and told me eventually that she was stressed and we'd have to do something after the term ended. She apologized too. So after the term ended I contacted her if she wanted to hang out that week and said sure, but then said she didn't know if she could since she was going to the beach. I then asked if she wanted to do it the day before she leaves which was the next day. She then said next week would be better. After that I told her they disappointed me, but I understand. She said she wasn't really comfortable since I had feelings for her. She told me she would think about it over the weekend and talk to her boyfriend about it. She didn't send anything to me again.

I saw her in my class a few times this term and it made me feel incredibly anxious and sad. I ended up talking with her yesterday since she was sitting near me and after that I felt kinda at peace. I'm not sure what to do. I think I have attachment issues and have a fear of abandonment since I girl that I was was previously friends with ghosted me a while after I asked her out. She agreed for whatever reason too

[AnxiousSilver in reply to KarateKenny]

"Eventually I opened up to her about my depression and suicidal thoughts. Also about how a lot of it has stemmed from struggling to find a girlfriend."

Alright well you kinda locked yourself in the friends zone with that.

That's more of a "down the road convo", BUT it's never a bad thing to have a lot of female friends.

Even if they stay as friends, because they will give advice that guys sometimes/usually won't.

[KarateKenny in reply to AnxiousSilver]

Yeah idk I was really struggling and going through an episode. I don't really think she'd ditch her boyfriend or whatever so I just did whatever

[AnxiousSilver]

"I saw her in my class a few times this term and it made me feel incredibly anxious and sad. I ended up talking with her yesterday since she was sitting near me and after that I felt kinda at peace. I'm not sure what to do. I think I have attachment issues and have a fear of abandonment since I girl that I was was previously friends with ghosted me a while after I asked her out. She agreed for whatever reason too"

Don't worry, and I know that you don't like heating me say this (although I already did in the previous post) get more comfortable speaking to females as friends, and then you'll feel even more comfortable talking to females in general.

I know that you're the introverted type, that's call, but things will work out.

.

Having female friends is a good thing.

[KarateKenny in reply to AnxiousSilver]

Yeah I've made more recently. Most of my coworkers are women. I feel more comfortable around women as friends. Guys kinda intimidate me. When I'm interested in initiating something like asking a girl out I kinda fumble. I literally just went up to a girl and gave her my number today lol. I don't even know her name

[KarateKenny in reply to KarateKenny]

Also it's ok. Having females as friends is definitely a good thing

[Hidden]

Hi, I happen to be a 52 year old woman. Do you have any idea what’s going on between this girl and her boyfriend? Are they serious and how long have they been together? See if you can find out in a way where you’re not coming off as being too nosy. People break up sometimes. And sometimes friendships can turn into something much more. Keep staying her friend. You never know what could happen!!!

[KarateKenny in reply to Hidden]

Not really. I know a couple things about him but she doesn't talk about him much. She had a pic of them two underneath her phone case I think. I don't think she did because she knew I liked her. I'm not sure if they're still together and I'll try to be friends with her to some degree. She kinda hurt me and never responded to be very quickly when we texted each other. I don't think I should get too close since I don't want to get to invested in thinking she's gonna be with me one day. I was thinking of trying not to push things too much with her and she seeing how she responds. I can't invest so much time and thought into this it's already hurt me so much

[KarateKenny in reply to Hidden]

So she's still with that guy. I didn't ask but it seems pretty serious since he's with her on her lockscreen on her phone. They would have had to have been dating since at least the beginning of the year

[Rubyphoenix]

When I read your post I had the dame thought as AnxiousSilver, youve been put in the friendzone. But I will try to share a girls perspective on this because this has happened to me numerous times. I dont think she was trying to hurt you. Maybe she is just nice and she doesnt want to hurt your feelings, especially after you shared your struggles. But she already has a boyfriend and she definitely wont want to upset him by talking to another man who is interested in her. You are still persuing her after she stated she has a boyfriend which can cause her problems or provoke a fight. She doesnt want either to happen but she doesnt want to hurt you either and isnt sure how to handle the situation. So she ends up looking flakey and indifferent. Also if she was your girl how would you feel if you found out she was talking to and spending time with a man who was wanting to date her. You wouldnt be happy and would think of her as disloyal. I think you should let her go. Maybe focus on feeling more comfortable in you own skin. Take care of yourself and pursue some things you enjoy, try something youve never done. You will find confidence while doing things you enjoy or conquering new pursuits and thats when you will meet someone, when your not looking. Another suggestion, talk to your female coworkers about your nervousness when you try to approach someone your interested in. Ask them if they will let you practice on them. It will seem silly, but practicing will help you feel more confident when doing it. Plus you get a womens feedback on your technique and what is attractive or a turn off to women. You gotta fake it til you make it. Teach yourself to come across as confident even when your not. A quiet confidence is very attractive, So is the ability to shrug off rejection. Cause rejection is a given. Usually it will have nothing to do with you. They could be taken, or have been hurt, or not have the time for dating, be focused on a goal and not want the distraction, or a hundred other reasons. So keep that in mind and if you hear no, smile, compliment them, say you had to try, offer your hand for a handshake and walk away. No harm no foul, and if it were me and I was available, I would say hey, wait a minute Mister. Cause that comes across as confident without being cocky which I find very sexy. Practice practice practice. Pick one random girl a week to try that on, you will hear a lot of no's, remember it probably has nothing to do with you so dont take it personal, just keep trying. Good luck

[KarateKenny in reply to Rubyphoenix]

Thank you so much for your reply! I really appreciate it. Besides not being friends with her I'm not really sure what I could have done to avoid being in the friendzone. It'll definitely be really hard to let go of her. I'm not sure if I can manage especially while I'm in the same classes as her. I'll try to see what I can do and do my best to keep my distance at least.

Maybe I'll try to ask some of my coworkers if I have a chance. I think it would really embarrassing if a lot of them heard so maybe I'll ask some of the ones I'm close with when there aren't a lot of people around. I'll definitely try asking more random people out. I think that getting more experience would be good

[Raggedy-Ann]

Late teens and early twenties relationships, crushes, daydreams are so intense. You are in the learning phase of how to date, how to control your feelings, how to let go. It's hard. Try watching some videos about how to form healthy relationships with anyone. I wish there was that kind of free access when I was trying it all out. I am learning now at 55. Learn how to develop boundaries, acknowledge red flags, avoid being manipulated or trying to manipulate someone else. Berne Brown is interesting and Chris Voss is amazing. He is an international hostage negotiator who teaches how to communicate.

Good luck.

[KarateKenny in reply to Raggedy-Ann]

Thank you for your reply! I'll have to look into those. Thank you so much for sharing