BREAKING NEWS: She has a Panic Disorder, He is a World Traveler:

[anxiouspoet]

Per my first post, I am a woman who has struggled immensely with generalized anxiety disorder and panic attacks since a young age. After a few years of what felt like freedom from my mental ailments, I am now 26, going on 27, discovering that what I referred to as "healing" may have been an illusion created by alcohol and marijuana consumption. Maybe not all of my healing, of course, there were my dances with excerpts from philosophers such as Nietzsche and psychoanalyst Carl Jung that convinced my 20-year-old self I knew a thing or two about suffering and the unconscious mind. Unfortunately, most of these mountains I had climbed came crumbling down after entangling myself in an extremely toxic relationship for yet another 3 or so years... which ended up in me getting assaulted and, surprise, the rebirth of my panic disorder (version 2.0).

Now you may be wondering what any of this information has to do with traveling right? Well thanks to panic disorder (version 2.0) my world has become A LOT smaller and I have found it hard to travel to places that don't feel familiar or that may be difficult to escape in case of a sudden panic attack.

But here is where life has gotten super intriguing (maybe even, ironically, a painful joke) - I am presently dating the smartest, most supportive, and well-adjusted man I have ever had the pleasure of calling my partner. He listens to me, he understands me, and he guides me in such ways I feel protected and like someone is in my corner no matter what challenges I may face. I am safe with him. Safe enough to allow me to be loved. Safe enough to give my love in return. And safe enough to TRAVEL ACROSS THE CONTINENT AND SPEND A ROMANTIC VACATION IN ITALY FOR 2 WEEKS? If I hadn't actually attempted this very feat I would say one would have to be completely out of their mind to even think such a possibility could run smoothly; as if their freshly unraveling panic in inescapable situations wouldn't dramatically set in?

Well... I attempted it... and let's just say various panic attacks, several sleepless nights, a couple of emotional breakdowns, one emergency vitals check-up, a wheelchair trip through the Dublin airport, a few ginger ales, and deep-breathing exercises through a paper bag... I made it across the continent TWICE in a span of 4 days (: And my beautiful, unbelievable lover accompanied me on this ferocious transatlantic endeavor abandoning the trip he had planned for years in advance and had been looking forward to with great hope and excitement.

Somehow, despite this major blow of a situation, he is still able to look at me with all the love and the care he had before; a desire to be together forever - presuming, I receive the professional help I need of course.

It is with this experience, I currently await my first session with a licensed therapist while I fuddle with the pain and embarrassment I curated convincing myself, and those closest to me, that I could actually manage to enjoy this dream of a trip (I was in Rome though - that's just a matter of fact). I could write in excruciating detail how miserable I have become realizing now that there are some experiences in life that aren't a matter of desire, but a matter of capability... and right now, my mind and body have confirmed with me I am not ready to travel out of the country (Another matter of fact, but one that seems to kill me).

My lover has made it clear that although I am unable to travel; seeing the world is a major passion of his and he would like to see a different country at least once a year. He has already traveled to Mexico, China, Spain, and Australia - and knowing what I know about him, when he has a dream he'll make it happen. So why do I feel so damn heartbroken, and even selfish, feeling as if I am going to be abandoned when he inevitably does take another trip I am unable to join? I find myself experiencing tinges of jealousy over the fact he doesn't have a debilitating mental illness that prevents him from pursuing his passions. Is life just so cruel that it would place the opportunities I have always desired in front of me just for my mental facilities to shamelessly snatch them away? I am going to be 27, nearing my 30s, and I had only wished to be able to say I had done something worthwhile in my life - especially with the one that I love.

Are we meant to be? Or will I become resentful or embittered as he travels the world without me? Will I feel hopeless or abandoned? Am I over-anticipating the future? Should I simply be happy through whatever makes him happy? Or will I, perhaps, be able to see the world with him someday - even if that day isn't today?

Anyways... attached here is a photo I took of a statue in Rome graced by the enchanting backdrop of the full moon. Così è la vita.

[AnxiousSilver]

F&F, welcome to this site.

Second, your story is relatable to me.

20 years ago, I was dating this beautiful girl. (we were dating for 5 years, and thinking about getting married stuff too)

I was 26 at the time (see even more relatable), and I'm breaking down hard with GAD and PAs. I was going through a difficult breakdown back then.

She was initially supportive, but eventually she wanted to travel the world. (since she never went anywhere as a kid, due to her dad having health issues).

So when I told her that I couldn't go with her, she started to get distant, and we eventually broke up.

It sucked, but whatever.

Whenever I think about her, (from time to time) I immediately remind myself that we were just not meant to be. If she wasn't going to be supportive of me when I was down, then why would I want to be married to her?

.

So.. I'm going to tell you this. (and take it for what it's worth)

You have to take care of you.

If he is supportive and understands, then that's great.

If he wants to move on, and you can't be there for him, then you need to be open to the possibility of letting him go.

If you're going through any of that, "But he's the one stuff" just stop. Because that's only going to stress you out more, and make you more bitter.

You need to take care of yourself ATM.

If he's the one, then he'll understand. If he moves on, then he moves on. (and you move on)

I'm 46 now, and I do not regret my decision of letting her go, when she got to a point of wanting to let me go. If I would have tried staying in the relationship, (instead of trying to fix myself) then I would have just brought her down with me, and that would have made her more miserable.

That's just my advice, and at the end of the day, you need to decide what's best for you.

JMO.

[anxiouspoet in reply to AnxiousSilver]

This was probably the one and only comment I needed right now, especially in the second half, as it is putting me in tears because I know it's part of the truth of what I need to hear. I am certainly my biggest priority - my mental health comes before any relationship and it isn't my desire to bring anyone down in my struggles as well. I appreciate this advice so much and will come back to read it whenever I need to reflect upon my present situation.

[AnxiousSilver in reply to anxiouspoet]

I'm sorry that you are in tears right now. I went through a lot of tears myself when I was going through it. It's not easy.

I went on vacations with her before I broke down, and after I broke down, I could see the writing on the wall that this wasn't going to last. She was self medicating, and I needed to stop thinking about how pretty that she was, and how well connected we were, because well.. we weren't connecting anymore.

.

The positive thing out of all of this, is that thank goodness that I broke down before we would have gotten married. That would have made things more difficult for that type of decision.

So I'm blessed, that I broke down when I did, and had the chance to move on with my life. (and let her move on with hers)

.

If my story helped you, then this was all worth taking the time to type and share.

You take care, and this site/community is a good place for support if you need it for your GAD/PA's and other life questions/issues.

[anxiouspoet in reply to AnxiousSilver]

Came back for an update one year later:

We broke up with one another some months after making this initial post. It, sadly, got really ugly and I spiraled even further downward (which I didn't even know was possible at the time). He has a new lover he's been with for a year now and, here's the kicker, they're in London celebrating their anniversary.

I am doing somewhat better, not great, but not as terrible as I was. Still working on the "taking care of myself" part while avoiding extreme feelings of abandonment, unworthiness, and jealousy.

[AnxiousSilver in reply to anxiouspoet]

"Came back for an update one year later: "

I remember this post.

.

"We broke up with one another some months after making this initial post. It, sadly, got really ugly and I spiraled even further downward (which I didn't even know was possible at the time)."

I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out.

From an outsider looking in, it kinda seems like you and him were simply heading on different paths. (kinda like I was with my ex)

.

"I am doing somewhat better, not great, but not as terrible as I was."

Out of everything that you wrote, this is what matters the most.

& Hopefully you keep getting better.