Scared and Afraid

[Dragon3695]

I'm scared and afraid of so much anymore. The more I try to work on me and address my issues the harder it seems to get. I'm beginning to believe I'm just scared of living. I'm scared change, being alone, being rejected, being hurt again, but most of all I'm scared of losing the one person I love all because I'm unhealthy for any sort of relationship let alone one with her. I hate it because I know it's true and I'm so jealous that I'm absolutely terrified of losing her completely because I'm struggling so much with changing that she is just about ready to give up on me and that terrifies me. All I want is just to be healthy enough to have a real chance and I'm struggling so hard against myself because I'm scared.

[velcroshoes]

I totally understand what you are going through and I have been through it with a couple of my relationships. It feels like they are the most important person in the world and the only one that you could ever love/love you. I have had relationships fall apart because of my anxiety and it is absolutley crushing BUT im still here and im working on having a more secure attachment style. Something that I am still coming to terms with is the concept that if they didn't want to then they wouldn't. If they aren't interested in still being in the relationship with you then they would not be. They do the things that they do for you simply because they want to and they enjoy you as a person and in my experience there is a good chance that you are struggling with how you view yourself and that is why you are so scared of losing them and so jealous. I think that its super important to celebrate yourself and remind yourself of your worth. There is a reason that they started this relationship with you and reasons that they should stay. You are actively working on yourself! Not everyone does that or even comes close to doing that. You should be proud of yourself! Even though you are super scared right now its because your anxious which is not great BUT you also have been able to fall completely in love with someone! and even if this totally falls apart which i think will not happen you are able to completely love someone and you can do it again. You have a huge heart so wear it with pride and know that although it can be damaged you can always recover / things probably aren't as bad as you think that they are so don't lose hope!

[Dragon3695 in reply to velcroshoes]

She is my best friend and nothing more as she says it. She brought me here to help me out and has went out of her way to help me as best should could because I have fought tooth and nail to bad habits that she has tried to help me break. Hell we have fought about idiotic things so much she told me one more fight before I move and she can't stay friends with me because it is taking a huge toll on her.

[velcroshoes in reply to Dragon3695]

She seems like maybe she is really struggling too rn and maybe she is looking for some compassion on your end of the line too. She has been actively trying to help you because she thinks that you have the potential to get better and that already shows so much! I think maybe what she needs rn is some space to really smooth things out. If you were to really back off and give her some space, it would probably be really validating to have her still want to be such a big part of your life or you might learn that you are actually totally okay on your own. When I say space sometimes I feel like people can treat space really harshly and aggressively but I mean more like the respectful taking time for yourself rather than giving space to someone else. Maybe you could go for a walk by yourself and count how many shades of green you see outside or try to follow one of those youtube painting videos. And if you were to get into a fight again I think one of the greatest skills someone can master is learning how to remove themselves and spend some time really thinking about why this situation is making them so upset, why the other person is so upset and if it is something that is worth addressing again. I think that she still really cares about you but is also trying to look after herself, not only because arguing can be really tough, but also because she does care about you so you have the power to hurt her in ways that other people cannot. The same thing goes on your end and that is why her threats hurt so much. I really think that focusing on yourself for a couple of days might let you think about the situation more clearly and give you space to really evaluate what you want. Since you are living with her it might be hard to really take that space but I think that walks and coffee shops are great places/ways to spend the day!

[Dragon3695 in reply to velcroshoes]

I'm moving soon so hopefully that gives her the space and time away from me she needs. It will be just my dog and I so I will have plenty of time to try to work on me and focus on myself the way I need to. Also I have never lived by myself so this move is a huge step for me as well as all that comes with the move.

[Daveacr1959]

Let go… let god..

[ami2]

Dragon3695, here's another 'spiritual' thought that helps me. "Ask Him to help you accept that you cannot have a different yesterday, but you can influence today." Take one stop at a time.

[Tara52]

You are never alone Your heavenly Father holds you up in His right hand and leads you with His left. It