Rumination and anxious thought

[path_to_nowhere]

Lat few weeks have been absolutely insanely busy. Several burnouts later, I think I'm getting a hang of this. However, there are a few things that are bothering me. I can't seem to stop ruminating over the past, playing a certain event over and over in my head, trying to figure out what I did wrong. This mostly happens right before I'm about to sleep, or when I'm trying to relax. It makes me feel horrible, like I've done something wrong, and that everyone hates me. And I feel like I can't even tell anyone this, because everyone's just going to tell me I'm overthinking and that it isn't a big deal. How do I stop this cycle? I want to let go of the past, and stop allowing it to affect my present mental state. How do I tell myself that I haven't done anything wrong, and there's no need to obsess over the past?

[Saltwater]

Hi there. Hope you are feeling a bit better. Rumination is sometimes a way of escaping what we are feeling in the present. Do you perhaps find yourself going over the past to avoid what you are feeling in the present? Sometimes, our brains see parallels in emotions and it can open up a whole load of negative thoughts in our brains. We feel a certain way, and then we think about one thing, then it leads to another and another until you find yourself feeling utterly miserable? Negative memories are more powerful than good ones and they can crop up when ever we are feeling vulnerable or anxious in the present and can make us feel bad or feel low self worth, remind us that we aren't successful or not good enough.

Going back into the past and dwelling on things that cannot be changed has no place in the present but it is often triggered by the same feelings that come up in our every day life, feelings that remind us of past events. Try to identify if you have any triggers. Bed time is often a quiet time and there are few distractions to stop us from going back and replaying painful events or questioning the past. I find myself doing it when I am upset or agitated and if I feel strong emotions then I can find my mind wandering back to times when I felt similar feelings.

The issue with rumination is that we often go over the situation in our minds, replaying what was said, what we did, what we could or should have done differently but what we need to do is simply address the way we felt in that moment. Our brains are not trying to resolve the issue, but the way we feel about it. That's why they persist.

When we find ourselves recalling something that is unpleasant, instead of pointlessly going over the details with a fine tooth comb (details we cannot change) we need to just say to ourselves something like ' yeah, I remember that, that made me feel really angry or really upset. Identify the way you felt about the event and not the event itself and it will really help you to cut off those nagging thoughts. Validate your feelings, instead of trying to battle with them. Accept that these life events made you sad, angry, depressed and that you have a right to still be upset when you think about them. It's not the memory that upsets us, but the way we respond to it in our mind, the way we associate it with hurt or suffering and we battle with those emotions, trying to understand the why's and what if's when really all there is to take from these times is the way that it made us feel. That's all there is left.

One thing I've had to spend a lot of time doing lately is accepting that you cannot change people and how they treat you but you can change the way you behave and respond to things. Memories don't hurt us, but it is the way we feel about them that brings back pain or anger. It's not a bad memory so much as it is a memory with a bad feeling attached to it. You can separate the two by accepting that it is okay to feel the way you do, then when the memory comes up again, it won't hurt as much and you can learn to see it in a different light. Like for example, if someone cheated on you, you might recall that with pain and anger, but then you tell yourself you have every right to be hurt and feel angry but follow it with the fact that you would not want to be with someone like that anyway and they don't deserve you, rather than, 'why did they do that to me, what did I do wrong, why wasn't I enough'. Then you tell yourself that they will more than likely cheat on their new partner anyway, so you are the lucky one to get away from them. It's like turning a negative into a positive.

Don't fight the emotion next time it rears its head and you find yourself thinking about things you'd rather not. It's not ugly to feel upset or angry. All emotions are necessary to help us process things. There are no negative emotions, only negative reactions. How we react to our emotions is what can be negative. Feeling them is fine and human.

You can switch off the rumination is you accept your feelings are valid and don't fight with them. You have a right to recall these things with hurt or anger. If you don't address the way it made you feel, then your mind will keep taking you back to those times until you do. We can't erase the things we'd rather not think about, we can just recall them differently and from a different perspective. Try it!

I've been doing this lately....I was hurt quite badly by my family when they turned me away when I asked for help with my depression. I turned the pain inwards and kept thinking that it must be me, they're not like this with anyone else, it's because I am not worth it. Then after weeks of making myself even more depressed, I decided that I had done nothing wrong in asking for help, I had not let myself down. They had let me down after everything I have done for them. What happened is actually a reflection on them, not me. I was worth their time and support and they didn't give it me. Their loss, because now we are not as close as we used to be and I have grown stronger and more independent by learning that you can't always rely on people to treat you the way you would treat them. When I stopped turning on myself, I was able to see that the problem is not mine, it's theirs and now when I remember the hurt I felt, I say to myself, 'that was really low to treat me like that, I deserved better'. Their loss, and the pain subsides because I have accepted that I have a right to feel upset and angry but I can't change it so I just let it lie. I am not going to keep pushing bad feelings down because I don't like the way they feel. I allow myself to feel it and say to myself, 'yeah, that sucked' and move on.

You can do it too! You don't have to keep busy to get rid of thoughts in your head, you just have to change the way you think about them. Pushing things away, just means they'll come back whenever you are resting or quiet. Don't be afraid to feel things, good or bad, they are all here to help you move forward.

Hope you feel better soon. Getting the hang of dealing with lingering thoughts is tough but with practice, you can learn not to highlight them in your brain as an issue by panicking when you find your self thinking about things. Let the bad memory pop in and address it and it will go away.

All the very best to you. ((hugs))

[path_to_nowhere in reply to Saltwater]

"The issue with rumination is that we often go over the situation in our minds, replaying what was said, what we did, what we could or should have done differently but what we need to do is simply address the way we felt in that moment. Our brains are not trying to resolve the issue, but the way we feel about it. That's why they persist."

This is such a wonderful way of thinking about rumination. It's quite easy to start spiraling and get lost in your own head, and blame yourself for the way things played out. This has seriously made a huge difference to me, I truly cannot thank you enough. I hope good things happen to you

Lots of love <3

[Saltwater in reply to path_to_nowhere]

Thank you! Our heads can be a dark, horrible place to be sometimes. I can feel completely tormented sometimes and my partner will ask why I keep doing this to myself but honestly, I don't feel like it's me doing it. I feel like I am the victim as the thoughts seem automatic and I don't deliberately go in there and start opening up old wounds. It just happens and I can get pretty miserable then, pretty quick! We don't realise how much we pay attention to these thoughts and react to them negatively which makes our brain highlight these memories as important and so there they stay! For me, I tend to make connections all the time. One small thought, even a word or a smell can set me off down a path I don't want to go down. The more I react to it, the worse I feel. I like to think of the thoughts as like a phone ringing in your head. If you answer it, it will stop ringing.Have a wonderfully bright day.

[Broken1971]

I have this too. I constantly review past episodes/ interactions in my mind thinking how stupid I was or how mean someone else was or whatever. Eventually I finally see it for what it is and how trivial the event actually was. I did DBT (dialect behavioral therapy) for a while and it really helped with this. Even if you can't find someone who does this therapy there are workbooks out there that will guide you. I wish you luck and hope your suffering ends soon!

[cbgrace1980]

When this happens to me, I try to think rationally about what is really going on. What is scaring you the most about what happened? Try to set yourself free from the judgment of others, because sometimes we make up our own ideas of what others are thinking about us. Think about what is true about yourself: you are resilient, and mistakes happen. Every day that goes by, hopefully the memory will fade and you can be very loving to yourself and understand that everyone has something they wish they hadn't done. Hugs to you!