Thinking a lot about family

[ghostygirl]

I’ve always had a strained relationship with my father since i was old enough to realize he wasn’t the good guy i thought he was. He’s done and said horrible things to me and my mom. He’s not been a good father at all. Because of his abuse, i decided to live with my mom full time when i was 13. I’ve only seen my dad 3 times since then. I used to feel very guilty about leaving my family and hurting a lot of people, but since then i’ve realized that it isn’t my fault. But now that guilt is replaced with a lot of sadness, I miss my cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents a lot. And for some weird reason i miss my dad. I think i just miss the idea of him though. I think a part of it is i’m sad and upset that he just moved on with his life. he still tries to text me and tell me he’s better (which i know isn’t true for a number of reasons) and i never respond, so why am I upset that he’s moved on with his life without me and he’s his life is good? I feel bad for saying it but i wish he felt more guilty, i wish he would hurt as bad as he hurt me. I know revenge isn’t a good answer, but i feel like he’s gotten no karma. I was traumatized and had my childhood ripped away from me. Had my relationship with so much of my family be broken. i lost so much, i feel like the least the universe could do is make him suffer a bit. I guess i don’t know how he feels so maybe he is suffering. but why does he get to move into a nice fancy house and give his step kids nice cars and go on happy little vacations with the family he took from me. it just feels unfair.

I miss my family a lot and no one understands why i left my father. I think even if i told them- they either wouldn’t believe me or they’d make excuses for him because that’s exactly what they did to my mom. I used to have such a close bond with 2 of my cousins. we were basically sisters. and now it’s like we’re strangers. everyone thinks i left because i was going through a “godless phase” or bc i didn’t love my family anymore. My father told my family these lies, and i don’t know how i could ever convince them otherwise. I don’t regret leaving my father at all, if i had stayed with him abt longer i’m sure i would not be alive today (either because of him or because of myself) and it was one of the best decisions for my mental health and well-being to stop living with him. but i gave up so much. I can’t remember much of my childhood, but i still think about those few happy moments i’m trying to hold on to. life isn’t fair, i’ve realized that now.

[Hidden]

Sorry ghostgirl u are feeling like this. Your family background is hurting. I wish I can just snap my finger and make it dissappear. It is always hurting when someone is this hurt. You are not wrong for feeling like this, every girl wants to be Daddys girl and every guy wants their father to be proud of em. What you are feeling is not revenge but anger that someone who is responsible for loving u is treating u like this. U are angry that another family is enjoying the person u should be enjoying. Is there something wrong in that? No, ur feelings are justified but bcz anger tends to consume so much energy, u need to learn to let go. Is it easy? I'll be lying my friend, not even close. The problem is that while you are feeling this passionate anger towards him, he is in the beaches of Alabama with his new found family and also controlling ur emotions at the same time. I am afraid ur father still has control over ur life. Please baby girl, try to let go. If it means get a book to help u let go of those feelings, so be it. As for yor family, it is never too late for a family. They knew you were young and obviously expected to do certain things you ve done. Visit ur aunt ur uncle. Someone myt believe ur story, they might hide but someone myt belive ur side of the story since u said ur father fed em his. Always know u are loved in this site

[Hidden]

I know how you feel. My father was abusive to me as well and so my child hood was robbed from me. All of my half brothers and sisters have good memories of my dad. My full blood sister and I are the only ones who don't. I would hear stories all the time of how my dad took my other half brothers and sisters to the movies and did other events with them, while he beat me and my full blood sister mercilessly. He was also an emotionally abusive drunk. I was always angry at them for that. They got to experience family life while I was in literal hell. I also know what you mean about people being horrible and not suffering any consequences. My ex was horrifically abusive to me. She never physically beat me but she gaslit me, body shamed me, she punished me for trying to set up boundaries. She would use my own anxiety and depression as weapons against me. She used me for sex. Like was objectively horrible to me. And when everything finally ended I felt like I was only one who paid the price for that hell. I am still angry that I gave so much for her and she got to use me and then move on the to the next one. She got new friends, she got a new job. She got so much just handed to her while I was suffering both mentally and physically from her abuse. I was in a bad financial situation too because of all that had happened. I am still angry that it seems like I got shafted when in reality I know that she is going to do the same abusive stuff to others. It's seeking justice for our wrongs. That isn't bad per say but when it starts to rule your emotions that is when it becomes bad. I have been trying to sort out the same kinds of issues and the truth is we got screwed. No if and's or but's about it. Plain and simple we were robbed and that is unfair and horrible and any other adjective that you can fit in. But at the end of the day no one is going to take responsibility for our happiness. No one is coming to motivate us to be better people. No one is on there way to make sure we get the justice we seek. No one is there but us. We have to let go because as long as we hold onto the pain they, our abusers, are still in control. They still have power over our lives. All of our abusers have moved on. We are the only ones still suffering on their behalf. So we have to look within and forgive. That does not mean you can't say the person is wrong or bad. That doesn't mean we can't still hold them accountable for their actions. It means that we can't let them drag us down anymore. We deserve to be happy and so that is what we must strive for. We get revenge by living our lives to the fullest and taking back the remaining time we have left. Because when we do that we are finally in control and they can't take from us anymore.

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

HI what a great reply and I completely agree with you. Except for one point. You haven't got to forgive or forget to be able to move on. You have to decide to put this in the past where it belongs and start looking outwards rather than inwards.

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

That is exactly what I meant by forgiveness. I don't mean to literally say the other person is not accountable, they still are. And forgiveness in no way implies forgetting. All forgiveness really means is allowing yourself to accept what happened and decide to let go of the anger and pain you are holding on too. Because that is what is hurting us in the end. That is how I have always viewed forgiveness anyway, not in the Christian sense of love everyone but as a means of freeing yourself from the others influence.

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

I understand what you mean but I don't call letting go and moving on 'forgiveness'. Sometimes there can be no forgiveness but you can still decide it's in the past and let it go. A small part of you still holds the past but it doesn't form part of your future or turn you bitter or cynical in any way.

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

I don't know if you can hold on to a part of that pain and not be affected by it. At least in my experience. I think you can move forward, but the part you hold onto still plagues you, which is why I call it forgiveness. It's like you and the offender are stuck on a hook together. The only way to free yourself from the hook is to let the other person off first. Otherwise that other person keeps you on the hook and keeps you in misery. But that is just a difference in how we view the word. Which is completely fine. To each there own.