But as always it faded...and the ground opened up, became tainted and slippery and I’m dirty Im falling further down the narrowing dark hole
The light, the joy, the peace, the abilities; they were beautiful; everything was.
I don’t know why I thought it would last as it never does.
It’s a nice memory, that time, that stretch of life that is now back to being wasted ... at least it seems a waste now... suffering so... the only thing that makes it not a waste is showing kindness and loving others no matter how much pain there is. Yet I get irritable and it’s hard to be. I think fondly of resting after this story ends. But that may turn out to be another kind of struggle. Does it ever really end in peace? Can I just stop now please?
Now it’s back to thinking people don’t like me and maybe it’s true and maybe it just seems this way for now and really what does it matter now. I don’t feel alive. I don’t feel like me.
There’s the ground that swallowed me up. My loved ones, they see I’ve fallen but each of them have fallen into other holes, next to mine. Like we’ve already been hurried. Wandering souls searching but not being able to actually see what is in front of them.
I don’t know what move to make next. Maybe I’ll tell my doctor and he will up my dose of brain altering meds, give me another med and send me off, stumbling along my way on the earth which I feel alone in and I will feel high again and think people do like me and I may even start liking myself again ...I will paint trees I will paint free birds and then I will fall down over and over again but I will be mostly down, stuck, struck by lightening, and it’s the kind of down where I hope I can pull myself back up and hope others will care that I make it and I’m on my way up finally after so long do I take the bait and then when I’m almost there at the top where the gold light shines warmly I will loose my grip and fall further than ever.
Some day I will again rise up somehow I can now not remember how.
Written by
Starrlight
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Please do not bemoan losing your special ability entirely. You ARE still an artist. Don't you hear how many members told you how clearly and well you describe the muck?
The great musicians, poets, painters, writers, they did not limit themselves to shining a light only where there is peace, joy, and comfort.
Poe suffered: and wrote of his nightmares. They are a gift for us today. There is even a place for Bosch -- his paintings still shock, horrify, and give a voice to human agony. The humorist Mark Twain (one of my favorites), after life took darned near everything he cherished, wrote on. He left us stories of the dark side of being human. Try The Mysterious Stranger and see what I mean. (Can that be the same author who gave us Tom Sawyer tricking his friends into whitewashing the fence for him? Yup. Because we all have darkness and light.)
Picture a blissful summer evening sitting on the front porch. Sipping sweet tea. Surrounded by those you hold dearest. Mr. Twain turned to the family's servant, a black woman, and questioned her thusly: With your upbeat nature and constant smiles for everyone, you can't have ever had anything bad happen in your life...
I can use quotes here: "Is you joking Mr. Clemens?" He got a lot more than he ever wanted to know. She told of her experience as a slave. Having her young son ripped away from her, and sold south. No idea, decades later, where he is, even if he still lives.
We are darkness and light. Perhaps even human agony has a place. Or am I full of it? I'm lost too.
It's all art. You are painting. You use your words to enlighten the hurt we share.
You describe your struggles so well! I'm sorry it's hard, though. No advice from me at the moment; I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share this!
I always feel better while and after writing, thanks Minnie.
I wish you well for someone who gave me some hope. Up and downs is the name of the game. We take it day by day. We all feel those challenges by the second. I hope you find some kind of joy. You gave me such inspiration I hope t each one of us spread the happiness that we all have. Unfortunately we have to dig deep but it’s there’s. We must have our downs to enjoy our the good times. Please be positive.
You have a new found love. Enjoy your moments and cherish every single second. Go build your foundation and don’t waste your time having those negative thoughts. Getty to push it aside. Enjoy your life. We are all here for each other’s support. Life is wonderful. It’s not suppose to be easy. Then it won’t be challenging. I shall say this to myself as well. Let’s spread the positive thoughts.
It’s great that we have a forum to just express. Especially with strangers. No one knows our struggles. Even with meds I struggle by the second. After it wears off I need something else. To know there’s a lot of us out there it’s so much therapy. What I’ll give to feel normal.
Best to you. You deserve good things in your life.
I am just thankful you were so inspiring to me. Let’s keep each other going. You deserve great things as well. Make good times happen. It won’t just come to you. We need to make it a good time.
Thank you. I’m happy to have inspired you and now your encouragement is inspiring me. I managed to make tonight a good time with family even though I wasn’t feeling it at first... you are right, we have to make it happen.
in reply to
Everything happens for a reason. You did something to me when you were up and now vice versa. This forum is a beautiful thing
You never change things by fighting the existing reality.To change something build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.
Hi Starrlight. I feel like not doing something is sometimes what we are supposed to do. It is doing something. We are human beings not human doings. I think it is perfectly fine to not run around aimlessly. I'm sure when you feel inspired you will know what to do and act on it. I personally think it is wise to plan. I hope that helps.
in reply to
Plus Mars is retrograde and some other planets too and I don't know why I am telling you that but it really is ok to relax sometimes.
Beautifully put. With writing like that, I can say objectively that your time is NOT being wasted. Maybe it takes some misery for you to share such beauty with us? Reading your writing helps me see my own sordid suffering in heroic terms, like the battles of angels plummeting through mile-high cumulus nimbuses.
I’m resolving myself to the fact that my current meds are leaving me incapacitated and miserable in the afternoons. Usually just anxious — but yesterday afternoon depressed. Either way, I’m not getting work done, and that’s a bare minimum requirement around here, with the mortgage and the child to think about.
So I might have to try depakote, which sounds scary to me, like old-school miserable-making crazy stuff. But that’s kind of where I am with this newer stuff, anyway.
((((((((((C-Mac)))))))) ❤️ thanks for your very nice reply. 😊 Sorry you are struggling too. I’ve been on Depakote for balancing mood before and it wasn’t a terrible med for me. So will you go off your current meds then? What are you taking now?
Ziprasidone, 20mg at morning and 100 at night, along with 200mg lamictal. I've been on this stuff for decades, but I'm truly fed up with the side effects. In the afternoons I'm either anxious and restless or depressed. But if I increase then I'm sleepy all day. I'm going to try to take 40 zip in the morning this morning, but I'm pretty sure it will make me sleepy.
Hi Star, unfortunately that happens with mostly ALL medications even over the counter medications. You’ll have to try something else? My doctor did something unethical because I Refused to take a medication he prescribed he’s abandoned me, canceling the medication I was taking and refusing to prescribe anything else? 2 family practitioners said NO to taking the medication he prescribed without hesitation. I Jaya New doctor That I have an appointment with 11/12. Hopefully he’ll show more Empathy? Well you take care and will look into a different medication or doctor? 🙏😷
I'm so sorry you had to endure that. I used to think I was the only one who had endured awful doctors hurting me when I went to them for help. Making me more upset, more physically injured. It calmed me to realize just how common rotten doctors are, neglecting and mistreating patients. Didn't make what they had done to me okay, but at least I could lose the "Why do they do it to me?"
Yea, there’s a Bunch of them out there. WE deserve Better, they should have their license taken away. They act like their a gift from God? Thing is I don’t tolerate them, I immediately change them. I hope the next doctor I get will have Empathy? I wish You better luck with doctors? 🙏😷
Lol what I mean is that as soon as I feel a doctor is not giving me proper treatment ? I move on. I do lack patience for professionals that don’t do their jobs right and don’t seem to Care about Me. We deserve BETTER Right? You have to care enough about Your Health. Before any appointment I make a list of questions. Don’t be afraid to ask Questions? You’re Worh IT!!! 🙏😷
Your feelings are written as beuatiful poetry. I too use poetry to get past some very dark days.
All that you said seems accurate about poeple's lives and medications. Everyone has their own hole to climb out of and right meds can help, along with therapy but this is not enough. I believe that each of us must find the other ways to "remember" ourselves. I am not questioning your beliefs or anyone elses, but I will tell you mine.
I believe that we all start out as "one" with the world, GOD or life energy and as we grow, we slowly sever that connection through others expectations, such as our parents, school religion and society in general. For some of us who may have been abused or who are too sensitive for this world and its values, we develop mental and emotional problems. We may self medicate through illegal drugs and alcohol, or take prescription medications and therapy but those can only take us so far (again, my theory).
I belive through personal experience that the connection we once had needs to be restored enough for us to feel purpose, feel "ourselves" and feel happier. In the short term, it may be poetry, visual art, performing arts, etc. However, I belive that the right therapy, such as EMDR (one example, which I am just learning about) and other deeper (than talking) therapies may complete a part and then a truly deep meditation practice that grounds us and also allows us to soar. When I was younger, I would have lucid dreams about flying across the pyramids at night and floating out among the stars. That is gone.
I am trying different guided meditations to gain the peace and centeredness needed to open that door once again. The point for me is finding my own positive ways to reconnect with my mind subconsciously. I feel strongly that all these piece somehow fit together to allow people who are more vulnerable to external stimuli, also sometimes called "empaths or sensitives" to function and create a "safe haven" for recharging. Encounters with all of the negative energy from people, events, news, etc. can be devastating, especially now with everything that is happening.
So, it seems to me that all you describe is very real. The difference is whether "we take the bait" or we decide how to put our lives together in a way that minimizes medications to the extent that is safe and reasonable, while taking responsibility for that reconnection. I believe it is withn each of us to be a major part of healing ourselves and staying well, if we have the right tools and the right intent.
For me, I see it as the rediscovery of the little boy I was, who daydreamed and loved to draw and saw the world differently than many others. I want to find him and keep him as part of the adult me. I need to learn how to protect him by learning what situations and people make me anxious, what situations cripple my spirit and creativity and which nourishes them.
You are obviously very creative and self-aware, so this will either make sense for you or it will not. However, I have no doubt that you can strongly influence creating a positive equillibrium for your life and regular moments of happiness!
Aww this made me feel like crying I'm really sorry you feel like this & would love to help you on a one to one level but unfortunately I'm on other side of the world your poetry is good I wish I was as smart. 👍
Beautiful startlight hang in there Iam also struggling at the moment always thinking all these negative thoughts that can’t seem to just go away I don’t know what else to do so tired of this too everyday is a new thing I worry about Iam here with you
I was just thinking of worries one after another and I’m like ok that’s it! I will not entertain any of it, rather, I will say or do positive to counteract the negatives that creep their way in. Off to paint now. Wish me luck.
I'm so sorry for your difficulties. You express yourself beautifully. I too have been on so many medications over the past almost 30 years. Prozac was my savior for so many years but unfortunately it eventually stopped working. Since then I have tried more medications than I can count. Some helped slightly, some did nothing, some actually made me feel much worse. I am at a point where I don't expect anything will ever make me feel good again. With that said, i started a new med over a week ago and I do seem to be feeling a little better. Hopefully this trend will continue. Even in our lowest moments there is always hope. Take care of yourself and I wish you well.
I think you have underestimated your self. Your writing is beautiful! That is your gift. You can help many people see and start to understand their world by your writing. Description of feels,putting them into words in a positive way can be very helpful. Maybe you can work with people that can help you publish your writings for the good of self and others. You are special and have this wonderful talent,please use it in your favor. God Bless.
The fact that you ended with “someday I will rise up again”
Is huge friend.
Friends tell you “look at your beautiful kids! You are such a great father you have so much to look forward to!”
But they don’t see the world like we do.
They aren’t trapped in the never ending nightmare.....one fragile cortisol filled moment from wanting to jump off a cliff.
When you tell yourself “what’s the point?” Over and over and over and over it starts to be believable.
Don’t take the bait....
Fight back...
Keep that glimmer of hope alive friend...
Someday you’ll be able to ask that magic question remember?
Sitting across the coffee table from god and saying “seriously what the f@ck was that all about huh?!”
Thanks yeah it’s really frustrating when people don’t get it. We have to give way more effort to live and things seem to come much easier to others who don’t suffer with mental illness.
How old are your kids, Pittiedad? Mine are 25, 12, 8 all boys. 😊
Oh our kids are around the same age how cool. Well except for the 25 year old who is working as a meat cutter and into stocks. My middle son is a sponsored skater and is in honors at school and is in college reading level lives to write and is laid back personality and very kind. My youngest, 8, I think has my anxiety and he sees ghosts and hates school loves to build and loves dogs like crazy he is a sweetie yet has anger in him as well.
Yeah I’ve seen some things in the past as well like cloaked shadow people lurking. I’m the oldest sibling. My brother is a year younger and he took his life before his 21st bday. My sister does pretty well who is 3 years younger than me.
Ahhh yes. The meds merry-go-round. I’ve been on that ride. It seems to be slowing down a bit. You are a talented writer and as a fellow artist I know exactly what you’re going through.
Truth is: everyone on this earth goes through the same thing. Feelings of disorder, chaos, loneliness and loss. But some of us(mostly the artistic types) feel it harder, faster and stronger than most. The trick is to go one day at a time. Hell one hour at a time if needed. Don’t compare yourself to others, we’re all too different. Don’t wonder when the next hole will suck you in. Easier said than done, I know.
It’s ok to as for help, but first you must do everything in your power to help yourself.
There’s always someone worse off than you. Look for them and be their rock. It takes your minds energy off your own hole.
Keep writing! It helps and you never know what nugget of gold may come of it!
Awesome I agree with all of what you write here. ❤️ It’s really helpful too to remember I can live in the now that it will be okay if I am not worrying about the future as much. P.s. I’d like to see of your art. What media do you use?
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I don’t know what to do anymore. 
I don’t want to be here anymore
Don’t know anymore 
I just don’t understand 
I don’t know what to do
