New to the group

[1101Molly]

Hi, I’m new here and seeking help, guidance, suggestions on how to best support a spouse who suffers from frequent anxiety and panic attacks. When it happens I feel helpless and don’t know what to do to support. Thx.

[Graft1983]

Hi there molly.

Maybe try and encourage your spouse to open up to you more. I know it helps me when I open up to my wife about problems which I do find difficult to do.

[1101Molly in reply to Graft1983]

Hi there, thanks for the advice. He’s gotten better over the years with letting me know when he’s experiencing anxiety or panic which I appreciate but then I don’t know what to do to help and neither does he I don’t think. We have three young children which proves to be too much for him to handle at times and so my default has been to just start taking on the lion share of the responsibilities of caring for the kids when I know that he’s not feeling well. My thought is that if I can remove the burden of caring for the kids from him then he can focus on feeling better. But then he says that he needs me to be more attentive to him during those times instead of focusing on the kids. It’s hard for me to know what he needs bc I don’t understand what he’s going through.

[Graft1983 in reply to 1101Molly]

I can relate to how he feels in some ways. I’m a father to just the one child who is 3 years old. I work 5 days a week in quite an intense job which isn’t really local to where I live. And as you know being a parent is tough, you just can’t switch off. I’m knackered most of time. I’ve made some decisions to try and change this so I can be a happier and better father/husband.

I don’t know you’re situation, but maybe you can try and arrange a bit free time for you and you’re partner to just chill, even if it’s only for a few hours? I think as parents you do need that little bit of time to yourselves from time to time.

But you’re doing your best for him 👍😊

[Hidden]

Just your being there and being concerned is a big help. At least it would be for me! One thing that I’ve found helpful when I’m having a panic attack is if someone can distract me. Just talk to your spouse about something, anything, especially something that might force them to have to think in order to respond. I’ve found that helps me get myself back into control and breathing normally again.

[1101Molly in reply to Hidden]

Thanks, great suggestion. He was feeling anxious tonight and so I asked if he could run to the store to pick up a couple of things in the hopes that it would distract him from his thoughts...and it worked!

[Hidden in reply to 1101Molly]

I’m so glad it helped!

[shawshankredemention]

I am the spouse who has panic attacks. In the beginning I hid them from my wife because I didnt' want her to worry. But eventually the episodes were so bad that I couldn't. First you can't reassure them about their fear. The fear is irrational. So telling him it is going to be ok won't work. No ammount of reassurance will work as that is the heart of the problem, no amount of reassurance will work. As the disorder progresses, you begin to fear of losing your mind, having a heart attack etc. He needs to get professional help and see if he needs medication. Medication can be tricky as there are sometimes side effects and it might take time to find the right one. But medication is not a silver bullet, therapy is needed to realize that the fear is worse the reality of the situation.

How old is your spouse? When did he start having them? and was their a precipitating event that set it off?

I have the name of a good work book at home I can give you.

The advice I gave my wife was "you can't be my therapist, I have to learn about my disorder." There are times when I didn't want to get out of bed. We have 3 little kids, so I told my wife, when I want to just stay in bed, that she needs to gently but firmly tell me to get up and to give me only one task. For example, she tells me "Jason, time to get out of bed. I need you to make breakfast for the kids." When I am done with that, she tells me, "Jason I need you to fold the laundry." The sooner I can get back into my routine, the sooner my brain will realize that nothing bad will happen. Unfortunately, the worse thing you can do is just let him lay in bed all day. Just don't overload him, one task at a time, don't wake him up and say I need you to feed the kids, walk the dog, clean the bathroom, do the laundry, It will overload, one task at a time, be gentle, but firm that he must get going again that nothing bad will happen.

Is he in therapy? I would be more than happy to chat with him on this site. Also is he on medication?

Oh and a nice warm hug always helps, " and say you made it through yesterday, you'll make it through today too."

[crowningglory19]

Well, if he's a pill taker, magnesium is great to calm the mind body and spirit and ginseng is great to get rid of sticky negative thoughts that loop. If he hates pills, almonds daily are great with the magnesium and there is ginseng tea too. Also, get outside daily, barefoot if possible to get grounded and get the vitamin D for 30 min. before sunscreen is applied. That helps a lot to increase good moods and lessen anxiety. HOpe that helps you too! =)

[1101Molly in reply to crowningglory19]

Thank you for these tips, I will try these with him. Appreciate the advice.

[Healing-today]

I read your comment about the distraction of sending him to the store...I am the partner with the anxiety and I dont always know what I need to help me. But, distractions are necessary. Also asking “what do you need from me right now”

Even if the response is “idk” you are being there. Finding a routine relaxing activity to do together. But also taking care of yourself because it can be draining for you I am sure...🙂 take care you’re doing the best you can. Wonderful that you are on here seeking for support 💕