But I must also feel it as a (Hu)man.

[dolanjohn]

Today I've been thinking a lot about "Macbeth." At risk of my English professors being scandalized, I am not a big fan of Shakespeare. I think so many of his contemporaries are too often ignored, but, I like "Macbeth." There is just something about witches...

There is this scene where Macduff has found his wife and children dead. The men with him keep encouraging him to go and seek revenge, but Macduff says, "But I must also feel it as a man. I cannot but remember such things were, that were most precious to me." I've always loved that line. When I was in Oxford I had it tattooed on my arm, so was I taken with it.

Macduff is speaking of the need to mark a change. He is speaking to grief and ritual. Birthdays, funerals, baptisms-- these are all rituals that mark a change. And grief is the first and last stage of that. But, I began to wonder: When is it time to stop grieving and instead take action; take revenge?

I feel like I've been in this endless cycle of grief. What rite do I need to do in order to accept the changes I've experienced, especially within the last 9 months?

When my mother died, it was not the funeral that was the defining rite that allowed me to move from grief into action. It was going off to undergrad and meeting several peers who had also lost a parent. It was the realization that I wasn't alone that helped me accept what had happened.

With what has happened more recently, however, there is no connection with other people. It doesn't feel the same. That's not to say one person's grief is more intense than any other's. That's not what I mean. I mean that it is different, and it makes me feel so alone. Perhaps that is why I can't move into action, I'm still too busy trying to feel it...accept it. That goes for other things that are hard to release too. I think there is a part of me that hasn't accepted that that was just how things were; how things are. I'm sure there is more to it.

That trite line-- the best revenge is a good life...something like that. That's the revenge I want. That's the action I want, but I'm so haunted by all of this "stuff" that I don't think I can do it. That sounds pathetic. Macduff wasn't pathetic, though. How can I be like Macduff? I can't, because I'm too...well, pathetic, ha. I think it is important to recognize your own power, because if you don't, you might create more harm. The thing is though, I can't figure out where my power is, or what it is. I don't feel powerful. I feel like a sniveling half person. Someone who crawls around trying to find a stronger person to protect me. Pathetic.

I feel so guilty. So guilty and so ashamed. I have a lot of the "if only(s)" in my head: if only I was strong, if only I had paid attention, if only I was good, if only I was smarter, if only I were more disciplined, if only I wasn't so damn pathetic, if only I had shut the door, listened, apologized enough, said no...

But I didn't and I wasn't.

[Hidden]

Wow, that's a lot of food for thought there. So did your mom pass away just recently? My parents are still around, however my Dad turns 80 in December and he's really starting to have some issues. I think he needs some kind of hearing aid honestly, but it's hard to try to tell him that. I'm very sorry your mom is gone, is your dad still around? I think Shakespeare is interesting but I could never really get into it. I don't know too much about Macbeth, I found Hamlet and Othello to be really interesting. And we all know Romeo and Juliet, I'm kind of tired of that one and it's tragic ending. I think grief is a process. Over the past 10 years, all 4 of my grandparents died, along with my favorite uncle and my godmother. I'm at the point where I just can't go to another funeral- I'll send flowers and a nice card, but I just can't be there for now. It's just too much death. I'm really sorry about your mom, maybe it would help you to get a book about processing grief. Take care.

[dolanjohn in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your reply. No, my mother died at the end of 2008. There have been a long stream of deaths since. I was a chaplain before my PTSD and depression made me stop, and so I've been around a lot of death. I'm a little numb to it. I do care, of course, but it feels like less of a shock.