Now I get it

[Scatteredtulips]

Now I see what these last two days have meant. The lack of motivation, the lack of feeling, the numbness. My mind is prepping me to cut off my ties, emotional connection to anything, anyone. Lose the feeling and need and drive to be here.

I truly was destined to fuck up and be so damaged that I get in my own way. I think that everything and everyone is out to get me, not on my side, out to hurt me and use me. I can’t see good in people anymore. I expect the worse from everyone so I don’t get hurt. And even when they show no signs of that, I still question their intentions. I get in my way of happiness, of anything and anyone good for me.

There’s no healing when you can’t get out of your own way. There’s no life when you’re fearful of anything that is benign or irrelevant. Everything is major and bad and always my fault.

Frankly, I’m tired of myself. Being healed to a point where life is manageable is too far away. Life isn’t enjoyable when I’m preventing myself from making progress.

I’m done making people lose their love for me. I can’t bare to see myself do that anymore. I can’t bare to see myself do much anymore.

[hurtingheart1]

Please 🛑 stop being sooo hard on tourself💕💕❣️((((((((Hugs))))))))) things can get better please hav hope!!

[Scatteredtulips in reply to hurtingheart1]

Hope is what I’ve started to run out of. I’m trying but feel so useless

[paint1018]

To be honest most if not everything you said sounded like it was coming from my own brain. So on some level, I understand your pain, your frustration, and being tired. I definitely don't claim to know your personal experiences or compare myself, but I just want you to know someone truly connects with what you're saying.

I trust no one. The last person I was close to trusting truly shattered me, violated me before tearing my soul out. Sounds dramatic, but, it's what it was to me. I push people away, I put up massive walls to test them because I don't trust them. And it's because so many people can just crush you. And I'm just so tired of getting in my own way, I know my friends must be sick of me like stop being so down, so what if crappy shit happened to you, get over it like we all do!

I wish I could bring you some peace and comfort. I don't want you to feel this way, because on at least some tiny level I understand something similar to what you feel, and even though I may not truly know you I still can honestly say you don't deserve to feel this pain. You don't deserve whatever bad has been done to you, people who have hurt you, and you don't deserve to give yourself a hard time. You deserve kindness and acceptance.

I'm here for you if you want to talk.

[Scatteredtulips in reply to paint1018]

It really is always such a nice feeling to know someone’s going through it too. Struggling with this stuff is so painful to see myself decaying and withering away. I want life. I want happiness. I want love. I want it all. I just wish I wasn’t so afraid of this world