crystal clear blurry vision: high school

[torpe]

as i walked through the cold, dimly lit halls, i prayed for the power to disappear. eyes everywhere cutting me, burning my skin and i could not get away. even looking at a pinhole in the back of the hall as a slew of bodies pushed past mine, jerking me this way and that, i could still see them watching...the only confidence that clung was making up what they saw in my mind...a comfort for me was projecting a male..dirty long blonde hair, stinking of cigarettes, slick walk…handsome and unknowing like kurt cobain..i thought i was so ugly and was so terribly anxious thinking of the projection that i gave that i made my own. and not always the same type of boy but it was always a boy...being a woman bought me too much trouble. i projected men that were uncaring and slumpy, quick witted and charming—putting parts of my personality into projections of what i wanted others to see to give me confidence. oh to be an average man! i’d always been a “tomboy” and had a far away perception of my own visage (tingly, starry eyed dissociation when looking in the mirror)...i cloaked myself in the air of dirty boys in my head and i didn’t have to care…an unkempt, to himself nihilist was safe because no one would look twice. i don’t know how to explain it but it gave me a peace of mind. even when they were staring, i was a handsomely unhandsome rocker and not a sad little girl