I'm new, and alone

[TicoBird]

I have problems and I want to reach out to get help, but I feel like nobody knows me well enough. All the people I reveal myself too just see one side of a die with many sides and may be repulsed or scared by what they don't see. I can't be a burden on someone, they will just walk away rather than take on the responsibility. Not all of my problems are private, but I'm the only one who knows all the ways in which they interweave and intensify each other.

I have not been diagnosed, but I know I am depressed. It's hard to find true joy, so I turn to mindless pleasures like sugar and television, which fix the problem in the short term but make everything else seem greyer and like a chore to be procrastinated.

My mood is always fluctuating, but I always have the underlying feeling that nothing ever changes, or at least nothing ever gets better. Sometimes, when walking home from school or running the dishwasher, the weight of all the worlds problems condense me into an insignificant ball of troubled emotions. One day I will function perfectly and all will seem well. Other times I have to fight just to get myself to brush my teeth. I'm running up a slope, but the farther along I get, the harder it becomes to keep from tripping and falling all the way back to the bottom. I've climbed and climbed, but I always fall back down eventually. If I could just make it out of the ditch that my bad habits and depression keep digging me deeper into, then I could distance myself far enough away from it to prevent myself from falling in in the future. But I need a hand up.

I am not so depressed that I am hurting myself or others, but my emotional resolve to keep trying to fight my way out is thinning rapidly. Here on this online platform, I am just words on a screen. I can reveal everything about myself that matters and still be an unidentifiable voice out of seven and a half billion. I can give back to the world, but I need to make myself whole first. I know I can't do it alone, otherwise, I would have succeeded already. You can help me though. I don't require much, just listening and strength. The one thing that has consistently been able to keep my head above water is other people, people to give me purpose. I can also help you. People are stronger together than they ever could be apart.

Yours in happiness,

TicoBird

[Sillysausage234]

Hello and welcome .

[Waiting4themoon]

Hi TicoBird,

A warm welcome to the group.

It is true that most people that don’t suffer with depression or think they are ok but are in denial, don’t ‘get’ those who do. As difficult as it is to live with depression, I believe there is a silver lining in it. It makes us see and appreciate life in a deeper way. Things matter to us in a different way. We don’t live superficially.

You say ‘I can give myself to the whole world, but I need to make myself whole first’. It would seem to me that none of us will ever make ourselves whole. We are all a work in progress. You are beautiful exactly as you are right now. And tomorrow you can shine a little brighter. There is no end. Ups and downs are normal. Please don’t wait until you are whole. Share as much or as little of yourself as you feel comfortable to.

Looking forward to reading whatever you like to share.

Warm wishes,

[TicoBird in reply to Waiting4themoon]

Wow, that's deep. I never really thought about it that way, but you make total sense. I think I need to recognize all the ways I have progressed and not just where I have struggled or regressed. I am excited to join this incredible online community. From what I've read so far everyone seems incredibly supportive and genuine. Thank you so much.

[APOR2017]

Ticobird, I am so glad that you have come here. First of all, I am sorry that you are feeling this way. Have you talked to a counselor or a professional? Maybe even just talking some things out will help you. You write beautifully by the way. If you aren't a writer, you would be very good at it I believe. I agree with you that two are greater than one. When one is down the other can help him. Big hugs!!