More worries-please help

[Lindsey14]

My anxiety and depression is very high rn and to add on to my worries im going to my dad in Tennessee to spend a month, my family down there has no clue what im going though, they barely understand it. I had a really bad spell in 2016 while i was down there and i had to go back home early, since that they think it was a one time thing....they have no idea how strong and real it is. Also i will have no one who gets what im going through to talk face to face to, sure i can call but that doesnt help when im over a 1000 miles away. It makes me feel so alone, im also afraid of completing losing my mind before i go down there. My anxiety has honestly double intensified over the past few days, i leave on the 8 of July. Im not sure how to handle this

[lex456789]

hey you shouold messeges me back in iur orivet chat we can talk there

[Tedddy]

So sorry you are struggling. Do you think some of your anxiety is about the anticipation of the trip? I have severe anxiety before a trip but am usually more okay when I get there. Try to tell yourself that this time can be different. Just because you had a bad spell of anxiety last time you went there, doesn't mean it will happen again. Being away from your support system is hard. But maybe try to set yourself up for success before you go? Maybe talk to your support system where you are at now, and ask if you can call them while you're gone, anytime day or night. It might ease a little anxiety knowing there will be a listening ear on the other end of the call. Maybe this trip is a chance to find some support in Tennessee too. Try to be open and honest, that's all you can do. Your dad/family might try to hear you out and try to understand. They might not. All you can do is be honest and try to reach out for support. But set yourself up with your support system at home before you go! Maybe listen to meditations or calming sounds? Find some coping skills that work for you. That might mean exercise, meditating, distracting yourself with tv or music, essential oils, prayer, etc etc.

[Lindsey14 in reply to Tedddy]

The trip is bothering me, and also no little exercises seem to help

[Tedddy in reply to Lindsey14]

Sorry you haven't found anything that helps. Don't give up trying things, you'll find something that helps. Medication can help so so much if you get one that's the right fit for you. Finding the right ones sucks but it can be really helpful.

[Orangeblossom85]

Hi Lindsey! I am sorry to hear you are in such a bad anxiety! I know how horrible it is to the body and how exhausting for the psyche.

My mum is a very distant person. She’s egoistic and put herself in a privileged position within her friends but between us, her children and husband she’s completely reserved. She only talks at the parties about her great young times or crazy events. I find my mum very histrionic - where the attention is, there she is.

I dream about having a MUM - warm and loving person, that takes care of her kids, prepares meal, keep the house and family organized and is there for you. I long for love desperately since I have my first memories, I never felt loved when I was a kid, never felt supported or backed up and rarely felt taken cared of.

When everything has fallen apart I called my mum. She didn’t want to listen to me. I would call again, she would tell me that it’s all my decisions or that it’s consequences of my behavior. No matter what, it’s always my fault. When it was really bad with me and I wasn’t doing a single thing my mum would come over and asked how can she help. I said: please help me clean my flat. She said: I’m not a cleaning lady. Anytime later she would ask me how she can help me I would always repeat her words.

Last May I had my kidney failure. I was treated very badly at the er. I was with 40degrees fever and unbearable pain seated for 12 hours in the waiting room. I was there alone all night. My mum came when I already knew from the doctor that I am being sent home with the antibiotics. I was just waiting for the last paperwork. She would try to get some attention over herself, she didn’t come for me. She used to be a nurse and she loves the drama of the hospitals. So she felt like a fish in the sea. I left the hospital crying from pain, tiredness and fever. I was also disappointed again with my mum. She would walk beside me with a great smile on her face and would tell me to get my shot together as I’m exaggerating to much and being hysterical. For the first time in my life I shouted at my mum on the street full of people to leave me alone. Someone even asked if I need help... I went back to my flat by bus. She came there little later with the medication bought. I was in bed in terrible mood. And that was when I actually opened up for the first time in my life. I have no idea if it was good, but that was liberating.

I told my mum, or actually cried out in her face how terrible our childhood was, how bad we felt with her avoidance, how left alone we felt. I numbered all of the bad decisions she made, all the stupid fights she did, all the times she had hit me or shouted on me with no reason. It was a long long long list of all the pains I kept for 26 years. I felt bad during and after that. But I also felt liberated. That monologue didn’t change much between us but it change me. I no longer care how much of what I say is being listened by my mum. I say it anyway. I complain, I give details, I talk a lot. Anytime she’s around I’m talking how bad my life is, what are my problems, my pains, my sorrows. Not much comes out of it. She doesn’t validate me or help me, she doesn’t support. But I feel easier, maybe it’s a way to vent. I don’t know. But I wish you to feel that boarders down, to not be afraid of being open and honest, of not being afraid of being called a psycho, a crazy person, ridiculed or reduced to nothing. I also no longer feel hurt when I hear: it’s all what I wanted, that it’s all my guilt.

I really wish you this month with your father to be a milestone in your life. I wish for a change.

I also suggest you to keep to this group. Anytime you feel lonely, need to share the daytime happenings or get the advice - write to us! This group is extremely supportive and I can see that there are so many poeople willing to help! Eager!

Stay strong! I wish you to break free!

[Lindsey14 in reply to Orangeblossom85]

Thank you so so much!

[Midnightwolf1]

I honestly don't know what to say that will help. I know it's hard cause I just move back in with my dad which he also lives in Tennessee with his girlfriend and I have no one here. My people (friends) who understand lives in Ky and I hate texting them cause I don't want to bother them with my problems. So I understand how you feel when you feel alone and are afraid of losing it. When I feel like I'm about the lose my happy everything ok face in front of them my anxiety and depression triple. But that's all I can think of to say to help. Hopefully things work out for you.

~Sky

[Lindsey14 in reply to Midnightwolf1]

Thank you!

[Midnightwolf1 in reply to Lindsey14]

Anytime.