Introduction.

[Raecole81]

I've started to write here at least 5 times. Maybe I'll make it through this one...

I am a 36 yr old female in the upper midwest of the US. I work too much, I am a caregiver to my disabled mother, married but no children.

Until last December I was working in a super busy food service situation. I was the kitchen manager. In charge of scheduling, ordering and maintaining supplies. The owner was hands off, but wouldn't actually give me or the general manager the authority to do what needed to be done to handle the restaurant. The stress of those 4 years put me into a tail spin.

Add to that, my mother is disabled and lives with my husband and myself. She is both physically and mentally handicapped. It's not so terrible that she can't care for herself some, but the stress of caring for her and the house is bad.

My husband is quiet, reserved and emotionally unavailable. I knew he was like this when I married him, but since he was trucking for the majority of our dating/married life it was okay. When he was home, everything was perfect.

In October 2017 he quit trucking. I didn't realize how utterly alone I felt even with him home. In December 2017 a new owner bought the restaurant and all my responsibilities were taken from me and I was demoted and given less and less hours. So I quit.

I remained unemployed until March of 2018 when I was hired in the kitchen at the local hospital. I was very clear I only wanted part-time. I've been averaging 50-hr work weeks. They're are so short-handed.

I should back up a little... in November of 2017 I started playing an online roleplaying game called Achaea. Its text-based and I love the game (been playing on and off since 1998). I met someone in the game and we hit it off immediately. He was everything I wanted from my husband. Attentive, affectionate, funny, super intelligent. We started taking things beyond the game and it got serious. Because my husband was so unavailable to me, I let myself stray.

Fast forward back to March. This guy and I are chatting constantly, except for the distance, we were connected and together. He asked that I not sleep with my husband anymore. I agreed. I didn't want my SO. I wanted him.

The end of March came and I realized I was desperately sad. So incredibly unhappy. My other man said I should go to the dr. I agreed. Diagnosed with severe GAD and depression. I started meds and all was well.

Around the middle of April he and I made plans to meet in person.

Around the end of April the other man started to drift away. I knew he was close to a couple other women, and some part of me worried, but after he had harped at me about honesty...I chose to believe that he would be honest with me.

Two weeks before we were to meet I was browsing Facebook at work and one of the women I mentioned before tagged him in a new relationship dating back to the end of April.

I still hurt over that. The absolute devastation of my heart at seeing that. He didn't deny any of it. I had made plans to leave my husband. I'd been setting aside money to set up my mom in a home. My goal was roughly a year (end of 2018) he understood why I couldn't move quicker, that my mom is too important.

I didn't know what to do. Everything for our trip was paid for and planned out.

He asked me to still come on the trip. That, he wasn't sure what he wanted, me or her, and he needed this trip to make up his mind.

It was all a lie. He made several promises to me regarding that trip and he didn't want to break those.

Despite my better judgement, we met. We spent 8 days together. The first time after we had sex, I knew that he lied, this trip wasn't to make up his mind, it was so he could placate me and not lose his money.

I got back from that trip one week ago today. I haven't cried in my life over a man so much. I find myself spiralling out of control at the strangest times. A few days ago I considered suicide. We have fun gaming together, but hearing his girlfriend in the background when we chat over voice? It murdered my heart.

I've been trying to reconnect with my husband. To remember why I loved him. Why I married him. I haven't told him about my affair, but I was honest with him about my desire for more emotionally from him.

I'm here because I need friends, I always cling to the unhealthy ones and never keep the ones that are beneficial. I hope I can connect with some of you and it'll be awesome to have someone who really understands the struggles of this disease.

[KatieMac79]

Wow, what a story yours is. I went through some similar things. It’s so hard to pull yourself up after something like that.

[Orangeblossom85]

I can relate myself while reading. I know the feeling of being left while all the plans are made and in progress. I also know very well the feeling of being used and betrayed. I’m so sorry that it happened to you.

If you feel the need to reconnect with your husband, go for it. But if there is any doubt... I would rather dwell on that. Esther Perel writes books and articles about affairs, it’s really intriguing. She also has few talks with Ted. Have a look, maybe you will find a clue there.

Do you know why you fall in depression? Was it because of your husband being so unavailable to you? Do you know what made you guys distant to each other? Do you know what put you close at the very beginning?

[Raecole81 in reply to Orangeblossom85]

The stress of work, watching my mother decline (she has progressive MS) and the fact that my husband remained unavailable despite my requests to reconnect. I stay because of Mom. He helps to provide a life-style for her I could not afford on my own. She definitely deserves it, because of so many other reasons, but mostly because my dad abandoned her when the MS got worse (that is a WHOLE other story).

I'm not sure if I can love my husband again the way I did before, and the way that I love the other man, but I keep telling myself I can find a place of happiness in the middle. We have several pets, a house that needs updating... surely I can find something to distract myself, right?

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to Raecole81]

I can’t really agree with this point of view. For me it looks like a ticking bomb. Instead I would rather think how can I gain the independence, what can I change in my own life to make it easier and better, to cut down the stress and unhealthy situations. Nonetheless I still recommend looking at ester perel.

Do you go to the therapist? How do you cure your depression?

[Raecole81 in reply to Orangeblossom85]

I will definitely look that up. I'm on meds and about to start therapy.

Am I cured? Hell no.

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to Raecole81]

I’m glad you’re going to go for the therapy! And I wish you will find wise professional!

[Hidden in reply to Raecole81]

Hi 🙂 I’m sorry you are in such a bad place right now.

Regarding the other man.....you don’t love him, you love the idea of him. Someone who understands, is emotionally available. However when you met face to face, none of that was true. It’s very easy to project your idea of someone onto an online relationship.

I understand that your home life is considerably less than perfect.

It’s totally understandable that you would look for an escape.

Just don’t expect a fantasy online guy to be real. Best of luck to you 🙂

[AngieBrooke]

I empathize with your pain. I am sorry for what you are going through. I think you should consider counseling for you and your husband and to find a therapist for yourself to help sort some of this out. You have a lot on your plate, and you need a shoulder to lean on. I

I hope you find some peace.

[Raecole81 in reply to AngieBrooke]

I have my first appt with a therapist on Tuesday this week. So hopefully that will help

[AngieBrooke in reply to Raecole81]

Good. I hope it helps. Depression is hell on earth.

[dee_bells]

Hi Raecole, wow you have been through a lot and I can relate. This year my husband and I will be married 29 years and the last 10 years have been crappy.

I realize I started to push him away. My husband is a very nice person, everyone likes him. I see a snarky side. I’m bitter. I have a mentality disabled sister that now lives with us after my mom passed away. Kudos to my hubby for saying “no problem.” He has more patience than I.

I have men friends who have asked or said they would hook up with me in a second. One even said he would rock my world. And my thought is my world doesn’t need to be rocked any more than it has been. I’m cynical and financially I and my sister can’t live on our own.

In my opinion, you are hungry for love and wanted attention and that’s what you found in the other man.

The saying you can’t teach an old dog new tricks is true. You can’t reinvent him into something he’s not.

I definitely would try therapy and then try couples therapy because there may be life in the old dog yet. 😁

And cut back on the work hours so you can free up your stress. Can you get a caregiver for your mom for a couple days a week? I have a caregiver for my sister because of my issues and I also have a bad back. They go to the zoo once a week or go shopping.

I hope things work out for you. Forget about the man, he’s not a nice person. Take care. ❤️

[Raecole81 in reply to dee_bells]

Yeah, my husband is pretty good about helping with mom, luckily she's not completely dependent on us for everything, but she doesn't drive anymore and has huge cognitive issues. She uses a walker/wheelchair so we've modifications to the house, but I have to beg him to help with housework. He comes from a more traditional household and even though this is a second marriage for us both... blah. I've looked into a caregiver, but since she lives with us and isn't over 65 her insurance won't cover it.

I have an older sister who lives 3 hours away, but she's not in a position to help her either.

[dee_bells in reply to Raecole81]

My husband doesn’t do housework either and my husband does all the yard work. He spends most of his time working or working on an old truck he has been restoring for 20 years. (Lol)

I’m disabled so I’m home all day with my sister and it is a lot for me to mentally handle.

I have two other siblings that are incredibly selfish and due to past events and lack of contact when my mother was dying my sister and I no longer talk to them. They don’t care about my sister or what would happen to her. That is a story for another time.

I was taking care of my mother, and my sister after my stepdad died and all that time I’m still depressed, anxiety, BPD etc.