We are approaching the year anniversary of my Jeff’s diagnosis.
This courageous man has faced unimaginable obstacles, repeated disappointments, excruciating pain, failed treatments, and yet through it all he has maintained a positive attitude, gets up and participates in life every day, and still plans for the future.
He has never been very vocal about his fears, but confided “I don’t think the chemo is working”.
I questioned why and he explained, “it’s just like the other times, I’m not suffering through side effects. Aside from feeling bad 2-3 days after the infusions, I feel fine. If the chemo were working this time, you’d think I’d feel worse as it’s killing the cancer, but for whatever reason, my body just rejects treatments. You’ll see … I have my brain MRI and PET scan coming up, Kwon is gonna tell me again, “you’re getting worse, not better.”
For reference, Jeff’s current regimen is 6 month injections Eligard and carboplatin/cabazitaxel chemo infusions. (Docetaxel(Taxotere) and Zytiga have already failed him.)
This shitty disease. I’ve never felt so hopeless and useless. My heart breaks over and over.
I don’t respond with empty sentiments that may not be true and softly tell him we’ll deal with the test results when we get them. We dont know that treatment is not working. I remark how grateful I am that he is in fact feeling well … (although that’s the very reason he has concerns.)
It’s baffling to see scans and labs that are hugely unfavorable, when, for the most part, my Jeff is just Jeff. Take away his mobility issues and one would be hard pressed to even know he is so very ill. His attitude, activities, vocabulary don’t scream cancer or illness.
Jeff is a thinker and doesn’t often communicate his inner most feelings. I worry about his internal dialogue and the fear he might be coping with.
While I feel we do a remarkable job of not only staying in the moment, but also appreciating said moments, it’s sometimes impossible for the fear and overwhelming sadness to eek in.
The big picture is too big, too consuming. The ultimate ending, seemingly too final for those left behind. Isn’t life about a collection of treasured moments, memories, and experiences? If we continue to embrace and celebrate each day to the best of our ability and with as much laughter, happiness, and love it’s a good life, despite when that may end.
~ Stephanie
#teamjeffgallagher
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Pancake_Lefse
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More of “ said moments” .. you are correct . The here and now is what matters . It’s crazy to think that feeling ok is a sign of it not working . hope that’s not so . Jeff is a strong man . Thank you for the pic . He looks good .. what a year it’s been . I pray for miracles and mercy 🙏
Let me say this about that. The two or three days that he feels a little sick after chemo is exactly what everybody else is experiencing including myself during chemo. The fact that he doesn’t feel worse implies nothing about the efficacy of the treatment. I think most of the gang here will confirm that fact. Hang in there guys…
Some PC Mets are very dodgy… but not infallible. My wife is now a breast cancer survivor and from what I understand the treatments they rely on are never fully discarded after failure.. Sometimes a treatment can be resumed after another flops with BC standard care..reactivation is the going theory…with pc, not so much. Just my observation. ,
…Jeff’s becoming a star on our watch list..another grimly determined steely warrior with an enormously loving and caring life partner. Thanks for keeping us updated. Many read, many consider…strength in numbers.
Cancer feels unfair and it’s hard to accept. I’ve come to appreciate that whatever happens will happen irrespective of the curriculum vitae Of the treating physician. How One responds to treatment is a game of random chance and that is very unfair…Disease invades our lives—we don’t invite it and we aren’t in charge when it chooses us. I’m sorry about Jeff. And your commitment to him radiates love and sadness from all of your posts. We’ve
Loved people who’ve “done everything” and none of it seemed to make a meaningful difference. And it is devastating madness to witness that process and the helplessness it reveals.
I liked your post and can see a dedicated ,loving wife in you. Life is a perishable item. Its only a matter of time...some earlier and some later...but eventually any one who is born..is certainly going to die...no exceptions. Best wishes to you and Jeff.
That is beautiful, so honest and bittersweet. You are so fortunate to have each other, even though it’s hard for you both in such different ways. Thank you for reminding me what matters.
We are all going thru this every day, every month, every year....one lesson that I learned in my last 3 years of treatment....my physical well-being is just as impt as the PSA number. Sending you and Jeff all the blessing from God.
He looks good, I heard something said by a terminal leukemia patient which going through chemo for 4 months, he said "never give up, never ever give up", those words stuck in my head, I am into the battle for 4 years and lucky the treatments has brought some success but for long only God knows, it is not up to me. I wish him success and give you strength to help him, stay strong for both of you.
So sorry to hear that Jeff has burned through so many treatments so quickly, I’ve done those same treatments and what I found is you do feel like crap the first few days and then you feel better even when it’s working.
It’s sounds like Jeff is and amazing man and you both, know to take the gifts that each day brings and the memories you make. He still has options of treatments that hopefully can bring him years more to make memories.
Your posts, while incredibly sad, are a testament to your love for your Jeff. This disease is an odd one, where you can look ok, but be really suffering with either the disease or the side effects of the treatments. Everyone on this site, sees others on this carousel, either getting on board or ready to end the ride. I see what is ahead, with more debilitation and an expectation that treatments will not be effective, and that results will show a worsening of my body.My partner shares your dedication and kindness, and without her, there would have been no magical moments in the past, and probably none to look forward to. You are so right, in that there needs to be celebration for each day, and Jeff is a lucky man. Good luck on your journey together and thanks for a wonderful post
Beautifully written, may you get all the happiness in the world, and may your partner get some success with his treatment, positivity is the only journey forward xxx
I had no side effects from Chemo except for 2-3 days afterwards. Chemo worked for me. Brought my PSA down from 40+ to 5. Also eliminated tumors on Lung and lymph nodes. Asto bone mets there were no change. A good thing. Stay strong. You are right this disease is brutal for both patient and care giver. I wish you both luck.
You have to love this group.......where else would this be understood by all who read it.....we are all walking in jeffs shoes...and those who are lucky to have life partners/ caregivers/ ex wifes / friends who stand by us are walking in yours...uncertanty of tommoro is the best reason to live for today...love both of you....ps.....i hate it when people tell me .....well you look good......they arent walking in my shoes....
Dear Stephanie,What a wife of wisdom and broad understanding you are ! I really appreciate the way you interpret life through your own experience of handling the cancer of your beloved husband. Your precious words are eloquent, well articulated a d philosophical. Such as "Life is about a collection of treasured moments, memories and experiences.............and you end your paragraph beautifully" . Thank you very much for your post, being so proud about your gravely sick husband and adding a picture with a beautiful smile that shows your heart full of true love. You and your courageous husband are in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you both🙏.
Hoping for many treasured moments for you both. What a great picture! We are in year 2 of diagnosis and have blown through a few failed treatments also. You have eloquently put into words all the feelings.
This Cancer does suck, now going on my 7th yr. Jeff is fortunate to have a strong supportive wife like you. Keep on plugging. I beat my first, different, cancer for 40 yrs until this Prostate Cancer struck.Have a wonderful Holiday time and 2022.
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