The toughest Part of Christmas For Me

[Hex40]

Well we just finished having our adult children (28 and 25) over for the holiday. When it was time for them to leave I said my goodbyes with hugs and kisses. But after they both left I broke down. The toughest part of this disease is knowing someday you won’t be there for them. They are only gone a half hour but I miss them terribly already.

[tallguy2]

The good news of Christmas is not what's under the tree, but what's in our hearts. "The angel said..."Do not be afraid, I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people."

You have a lot of love for your family. I break down at every Christmas Eve service because my father, who I lost to mCRPCa in 2017, is no longer sitting next to me, at least not physically. Knowing what that path may look like for me isn't comforting, but it does allow me to help me plan for my family to do well when that time comes. Remember what you still can do and what you still have, and cherish it.

Blessings to you this holiday season.

[tallguy2]

Shalom, my friend Nalakrats. I light one candle..."don't let the light go out."

[Hidden]

Yup,it's rough.

[Schwah in reply to Hidden]

Yea that’s a tough one. Unfortunately with or without this disease that’s the way it is. It’s the natural way of life. We all will die and we can only cherish the moments we have with those we love. Every time I feel sorry for myself, I consider all those people out there that have had to deal with the unnatural death of their children. I can not fathom that pain. And I then remember how fortunate I really am. God bless.

Schwah

[Hidden]

We all feel this way with the ones we love. This is the torture of having APC . Knowing that we will be cut short and our families will go on without us....Teach them well that they know you love them .This bond is eternal.

[Hex40]

My children now hug and kiss me and say they love me whenever they leave. I so much appreciate it. I talk to them a lot and we reminisce the past and talk about the future. They know I love them immensely. I’ve been advised to write them letters and I will once I know the end is near. It will probably be the most brutal task I have ever taken on.

[NWLiving]

It’s rough. We have gotten closer to our adult daughters. But right now for our family, it is a bit of a joke because Bill has done well for an extended time. So it’s not over until the fat lady sings.

[SooHwa99]

I feel the same way. I don't think they feel it like we do. They don't feel the clock ticking so fast. I thought for sure I would break down during mass or Christmas Eve when we put up our tree, or in the morning. Somehow I didn't, but I do hug them tight...a lot! My son complained we are doing too much stuff together...LOL. My oldest wants to always just be in her own home. I understand. My Grandfather died of this at 72. I remember hugging him very strongly when I was moving to Chicago on Christmas Day. He verbalized it hurt fo hug to tight due to the bone pain. They brought him to my Mother's home via ambulance to spend his last Christmas with the family. I moved to Chicago the next night. He died January 12th. Two days past my birthday. I know their lives go on as mine did, but I just want to scream STOP! I want to get off this train and I want my wife and kids to stop with me...your post was very poignant...28, 24, and 20 year olds. I just want to hug them forever...

[NancyWorld]

I stay in this group because I still feel a part of this world, though my Dad passed away with advanced prostate cancer in Aug. 2018. Now maybe I can add something helpful to someone.

My Dad, a physician, was loved and admired by many, partly because he was a warm person. He was kind to everyone, but there was a glitch: he couldn’t praise his own kids. During the 2-1/2 years after his diagnosis at 87, I took him to dozens of medical appointments, rode with him in an ambulance, sat through many all-nighters in ERs, stayed with him in rehab, fought like crazy to get him palliative radiation even though he was in hospice, and on and on. (He was in compensated heart failure, broke his femur, was in kidney failure a couple of times, had a bad blood clot in his leg, got aspiration pneumonia - multiple bad episodes.) The best thing I heard was “I’m glad you guys are here”, meaning my husband or sister, too; “you guys”.

He told me once that he loved me, and said once, “Isn’t she pretty?” The care person who was with him busted out laughing. She didn’t know that I’d never heard that before and was dying to hear something positive from him, something that was good about me as a person. Conversely, my Dad praised my husband every time we got together.

I’m 68 and have always wondered why he couldn’t say that he was proud of me or that he thought I was great. If you’ve never told your kids that you think they’re great, and why, please don’t leave them without that. They need it.

With best wishes and deepest empathy,

Nancy

[Hidden in reply to NancyWorld]

Sad to hear that about your father. Be glad that he once told you that he loved you. I never heard that from my father. I had difficulty telling my daughter that I loved her when she was a teenager. She was getting in trouble and it really turned things around for her when I did tell her that. I'm proud of her now. Maybe I should tell her that. Oh, and my father was anything but a warm person. I'll stop there.

[NancyWorld in reply to Hidden]

Oh, WSOPeddie, I’m sorry you never heard those words!

But do tell your daughter that you’re proud of her... I’m sure it would mean so much to her. ❤️❤️❤️

[j-o-h-n in reply to NancyWorld]

Nancy.... I LOVE YOU.....

Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.

j-o-h-n Friday. 12/27/2019 5:54 PM EST

[NancyWorld in reply to j-o-h-n]

j-o-h-n - I LOVE *YOU*

And all GOODS to you, too!!! ❤️❤️❤️

[Zetabow in reply to NancyWorld]

My Dad only ever once told me he loved me and was proud of me, I was 33 years old. He lost his Dad to Liver cancer, He was 13 and the oldest of four Brothers, I think he found it hard to express his feelings because of this trauma. As an Adult I began to understand he did love me, he just couldn't say it but as a child it's very damaging and difficult to understand.

I was with him holding his hand when he passed from Pancreatic cancer 12 years ago. My Sister and older Brother never once visited him, wasn't there when he passed and didn't go to the funeral. I'm glad I was able to do what I did because it helped me come to terms with those feelings of being unwanted for so many years.

The positive thing I got from this is I was determined not to make the same mistakes as my Dad and tell my boys (11 and 9 years) I love them, almost every day.

[NancyWorld in reply to Zetabow]

I’m glad you were able to be with your Dad when he passed. I was also able to be with my father. As hard as it is, they should not go alone.

It’s good that you learned, and tell your kids you love them. It just makes their lives that much easier, not wondering about what wasn’t expressed. ❤️❤️❤️

[2dee]

If you have a good memory with someone it is likely they also have that same memory and theirs will survive long past your remaining time.

Pretty much the best we can hope for.

2Dee

[dmt1121]

I very much understand. While my wife and I were getting ready to have my daughter and her boyfriend over for Christmas dinner, my wife asked me "What's wrong? What are you sad about? I couldn't answer because I would have cried and we needed to get things done.

We had a good time, laughing and catching up with our "captive audience"...Lol. They stayed for a good while and we enjoyed it a lot. We also did a video chat with my other daughter and her family on the east coast. I found every moment to be the most important and vibrant.

Later, after they left, I told her that I just don't know how many family Christmas dinners I have left and she softly said "I know, but I think you have a lot more!" Whether or not I have one or ten, I really enjoyed cooking the dinner buying special presents and spending time with them all in person and via video chat.

I did not end the evening feeling sad but feeling full of happiness, love and thankful for that time together. For me, I have found that thinking about "How many more times will I be able to do this?" or "Will I be around to see them next Christmas?" does make me sad and when I forget that aspect of where I am in life, all the rest is wonderful. If you miss them, you can call them and say hello and let them know how much fun you had and that you miss them already. I will bet they will be touched and happy that you did.

I hope that you and your family have fun and healthy holiday season and new year!

[Lettuce231]

Hello Hex40,

The best thing to do is cancel Christmas and enjoy the 4th of July, down with the British, etc, that should cheer you up.

My wife and I don't celebrate Christmas, Nalakrats was correct when he said it was Constantine who organized this holiday, to appease the pagans and the Christians, so cross it off the calendar. Early Christians didn't celebrate the birth of Christ and also as Nalakrats rightly pointed out, his birth date would be late October or early November, about the same time as mine actually 🤔.

I had to buy a new suit some months back as I had put on weight, don't we all, I jokingly said to my wife and our youngest daughter, who was here at the time " I'll be buried in this one " the reply was " no you won't Dad, it's too good, we'll put you in the old one, but won't do it up, the new ones going on eBay " we were all laughing our heads off.

Just enjoy those moments as in every day and don't call time upon yourself, even without this affliction, everyone, everywhere faces that risk each day.

Chin up our brother and have a great new year with your loved ones, plus many more after.

All the best.

Phil

[dadzone43]

"Behold, all flesh is as the grass ...". It was always true but becomes more poignant when we know that we must say good-bye. I hope that you have shared this sad reckoning of mortality with your adult children. It is important.

[DenDoc]

I understand this very well and have had to learn to refocus my life on the positive since I am naturally a pessimist. 22 months ago when my PC morphed into both small cell and adenocarcinoma I developed tumors around my left lung and massive fluid. My oncologist gave me the "get your affairs together talk" and we began a relationship with palliative care. I started on chemo, had permanently placed chest drainage tube, lost hair and generally felt awful.

We have two adult children and four grandchildren in the area. My daughter sensing that our time could be short started having weekly family dinners on Sunday night. We share the meal prep, have a simple dinner and then share what was "the best thing that happened to me" during the previous week. (focus on the positive). It has become institutionalized and everyone tries very hard to keep the time open. It has been incredibly good for all of us. After my year of h-ll, I have responded and have had a year of stable health. We continue to enjoy each day and each week together knowing there is a finite end but meanwhile we can be our best.

For me personally, I got over worrying if there will be another Christmas, birthday, graduation, reunion, etc. Tears come less often. I am living in the moment and enjoying every opportunity I can. It has made me so aware that everything else in life is secondary to my family relationships.

Highlights of the past year include a trip to Hawaii with my daughter's family which includes our two youngest grandchildren, taking each of my adult grandchildren on a float fly fishing trip and attending my fourth grandchild college graduation. All things I would possibly have missed but for great care and some good choices from my medical care team.

Even my pastor has noted the change from pessimist to optimist. We aren't given many choices in cancer care but we can change how we feel. Sharing openly with family and friends has been very helpful as well.

[Bebby1]

Tears of joy and love mixed with fear

I hope you had a beautiful family Xmas

With many more to come

Hang in there

[Dalipup]

Last Christmas my husband had it in his head that it would be his last, so having him here and relatively doing ok felt like a sweet blessing, and yes the thought of this one being his last is tough. But last year our daughters father in law, a healthy man who spent a day helping bake cookies and wrapping gifts, simply did not wake up the next morning. A week before Christmas. Last week we passed a fatal accident on the highway as we were headed to a yearly family Christmas meal. Who knows if that person was out doing last minute shopping and assumed they would be home wrapping gifts later that day. I'm really trying to learn to live in the moment and appreciate each day we have. Every laugh, every hug, every kiss and smile. As we all sit here with the ticking time bomb on our plates, so many others go through unexpected losses. We are not promised tomorrow and yet we mostly live there. Staying in the moment is so difficult for the planner in me, and it is a lesson I have to work on each and every day. It makes me think twice about what I say to loved ones and strangers alike. It may be me gone next Christmas and not my husband, or we may be gone by the end of today as we are traveling today. I'm hoping that if any good comes from this nasty disease it is the lesson of living in the moment and being thankful for each day and each contact with our kids. Merry Christmas to you all or Happy Hanukkah or Happy December 27.

[Hex40 in reply to Dalipup]

I too feel like this is my last Christmas. I’m running out of options and have been given 6 to 12 months. I’m looking at starting radiation early next month followed by a clinical trial. Hoping something works to keep me around longer.

[Dalipup in reply to Hex40]

My husband has not been given a number yet for months but he has tried both zytiga and xtandi and five rounds of docetaxel. He just started cabazetaxel last Thursday and we too are awaiting news on a trial opening. This is a roller coaster disease and this time of year it is so hard. Our son is 17 and will graduate from high school in June. My husband is working hard to be here for that.

[larry_dammit]

Know the feeling although mine are older, so I kidnapped my 6 year old granddaughter and have her for another week 🤪🤪🤪. I think about all my brothers out there that are alone and feel so bad for them. I hate this monster so much 😢😢

[Sillymary73]

I so understand, our kids are 45, 46, and 47 with 12 grandchildren! They really are independent, but they are so worried about dad! Just love them and let them love you 😍

[kapakahi]

You will live forever in their hearts and be there for them in memories and love. No, it's not the same as the physical realm, but then that's the lot of all life, cancer or not. Even though we all mourn at some time in our lives, it's a lonely thing, and so we just keep going as far and as long as we can. Of course you know all this, and it's hard to take, especially this time of year, and I'm sorry you're going through it now, and will again. There's no good answer for it, except to tell each other, I'm sorry, I know how it feels.

[j-o-h-n]

To all of us.... may our tears stain our hearts...

youtube.com/watch?v=AscPOoz...(Not working as expected?)

j-o-h-n Friday 12/27/2019 6:22 PM EST

[NWLiving]

Just saw this post again after 2 years and Hex40 - I get you.