Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this. Sometimes i get the feeling that friends and family members are waiting for me to die. I was diagnosed stage 4b metastasis in January 2021 and have been on treatment Lupron and Xtandi since April 2021 3 years now. From an outward appearance I don't appear to be sick I have a pretty normal life I am able to exercise, play golf, travel and enjoy life. It bothers me when friends and family ask me how much more time I have. They almost seem disappointed when I tell them that so far the treatments are working and that my oncologists says to stay the course. Maybe a I have weird friends but I feel that they are waiting to hear bad news. I would rather they just wish me good luck and good health for as long as I live and not obsess with how much time I have left...Sometimes I jokingly say what's the matter I'm not dying fast enough for your liking...smh
Waiting for me to die: Just wondering... - Advanced Prostate...
Waiting for me to die
I would reply "longer than you"...but that's me.
We are all getting up in age and all have health issues. but they like to remind me that at least they don't have stage 4 cancer...
I am sorry you have those “family” members and I would not consider the others friends.
One guy even said that he did not believe my diagnosis. because I looked to healthy and was doing for attention...smh
People tell me that ALL the time. I had 8 rounds of docetaxel last year and next week will be my third round of Pluvicto. I just reply, “I guess cancer looks good on me”..
HAha ok I'm not the only one this happens to. I feel better now
I agree with MoonRocket and Jancapper. Two things: put them on the spot, ask them “why can’t you be positive and ask how I am feeling rather than how long I have?” And again put them on the spot and say, “Why, do you think you’re inheriting something? - since you ask, you’re not”.
lol
Early on I told all my friends not to ask me how I feel. It reminds me that I am sick. I keep them well informed
Ha you would think I would'nt have to say that..common courtesy would say its inappropiate...for example a friend a mine just lost his son to suicide..I would never ask him why he did it..I just offer my condolences ..
By any chance might these be people expecting some inheritance
lol...No whatever I have goes to my twin sons...
I have twin boys. 29.
Sounds like it is time to distance yourself from problematic family members. Haven't talked to my sister in years. Also sounds like you need new friends. My friends are the most caring and loving individuals, always ready to help around the house(which I don't need yet) and going to appts my wife can't make it to. Sometimes they just show up. They have been my greatest fans through the last 7+ years of this fight. if not for my support system I would have thrown in the towel years ago. Oddly enough, the females in my life are far more involved than the men
You may be right my wife says it might be jealousy. I have done much better than most of my friends financially and I think they resent it...
Are you wealthy? Perhaps they are hoping you will leave them money.
Far from wealthy just a few dollars for my kids
Same here, but have no kids and do not have a relationship with nieces and nephews who are trust funders. We are leaving our houses and all our assets to our two best friends that offer us so much support and will be caring for my wife when she needs it after my passing. Love our friends more than family
There is no accounting or explaining people with bad taste. Grab on to the good don't waste time on the rest.
This is precisely why my husband didn’t want to be open with friends and family about his diagnosis.
Not so much because people don’t really care, or are not loving and helpful, but it becomes a new normal. He doesn’t want to be seen first in terms of his diagnosis.
People can’t help it, whether it is because of love and concern, or just curiosity.
I experienced that after my surgery. Coworkers treated me differently. As time past I think people around me realized I was not going to die.
It seems to be a Human Condition when the big C word is mentioned. My first family cant wait for me to show signs of sickness so they can sell my house on me.
Lucky for me my devoted wife & our 11yo daughter think otherwise, but the law in this country stinks so The Will becomes important.
Hang In there & live your life as YOU want, if you paid attention to what other people think we would blow our brains out.
Just my thoughts.
Hi rogerandme,
I obviously don’t know anything about your friends and family and I don’t know if this is true for the people around you; but please keep in mind that this situation, as indescribable hard it is for you, is also tough to handle for others. Maybe they just have a hard time knowing what to say?
i always say that “prostate cancer is pretty much the slowest moving cancer out there. My treatments are working so I feel like I have a lot of good years left. Help me stay positive”
Schwah
When the disease went MET in 2010, yeah, my wife was with me when the RO inferred a relative timeframe for getting affairs in order. Friends/family treated me like the walking dead. Then, 2021 when the docs removed a PC tumor in the brain, followed up with SAS radiation to kill 3 brain lesions. Not everyone has had brain PC. I find it cute. Just keep smiling.
Stay strong
Ok let's try to see it in a more positive way: they expect bad news one day or the other, and when they hear that you are fine I think what you see is relaxation and "going back to usual business"...I would try to see it like that.
Of course the guy who said you are doing this to gain attention...either dismiss him or bring him to the hospital with you on your next checkup, just to show him the happy mood that reigns in the oncology ward....
😂 no longer a friend
Hi Rogerandme
In Ireland, the minute you mention you have cancer, you're asked how long you've got. Everyone's an expert and everyone knows someone whose father, uncle, brother or husband died from PC. and so feels qualified to offer an opinion.
As I was Stage 3 when diagnosed, it was assumed that I hadn't got very long. At first, there was a lot of genuine care and concern, but as time went on, I suspect that Funeral Outfits were being taken to the dry cleaners and thoughts on burial plots, speeches, after-funeral catering options and Death Notices, were all doing the rounds.
Covid failed to get me and now, seven years into this medical adventure, I'm fitter, slimmer, and more relaxed than at any other time in my life. I'm absolutely convinced this annoys some people.
These days, I'm rarely asked how I am, no one asks about appointments, treatments or expectations. I take the nosiest person I know for coffee and give all her all the current information. Then I leave it to What's That to disseminate the info. ( She has hearing issues but refuses to wear hearing aids).
I have been asked about my finances and my will and I cheerfully told my informant that I was leaving everything to Doctors without Borders. Shock horror, coffee slurped, sharp intake of breath....... and then........... what about your family? "They're all loaded and I'm sure I'm not in their wills," says I. Sometimes people just cannot hide their feelings.
I was brought up to always exceed expectations, so why would I change the habits of a lifetime?
Live Long and Annoy the Begrudgers.
😂 😂 😂.. I think you are right about it annoys people when you don’t look or act sick… especially since some of my friends have more visible medical issues like bad knees, mobility problems and obesity and they look at me like hey you got stage 4 cancer how can you feel and look so good 😂
Now you've got me wondering...
My poor spouse, this whole time I didn't act as if he were 'ill'. I've been treating him as if he is the same person who can do the same things he did before the big C. Sure, I gave him a week or so to sit around on the sofa, exhausted, when he finished RT. But the week after that he got his marching orders and was back at his chores.
Just the other day I remembered that he had PCa treatment and then thought it might be caring if me to ask, "so, how are you feeling?" But I guess better late than never.
You have lots of money? Maybe they are looking for an inheritance. lol
just a different perspective: I had a heart to heart talk with my daughter last night, whose dog recently passed from his 2nd cancer (lived 11years as a tripawd from his original osteosarcoma). She’s still grieving, and her greatest fear is losing me to Pca. That’s where her questions stem from when asking “how long”.
Luckily I expect to pass away peacefully in my flying hydrogen car after attending the first philharmonic concert on the moon, just to give a timeframe.
That! GREAT reply! I’m gonna steal that to use on some people I know! Thanks! 😊
😂 sounds like a plan
You can't pick your family but you can pick your friends.
My husband didnt want his family and friends to know it’s returned after radiation seeds 7 years ago. So I’m the main one which is why I read this daily. I do have an ex sister in law whose husband has this too so we share info. He outwardly doesn’t seem sick. Maybe he was wise to keep this close! I know he would hate to be asked about it as feels it does not define him. It is an odd reaction that they are not thrilled for you. I am!!!
Thank you
change your friends!
Once while we were having a family and friends gathering at our house someone started to mention the average life expectancy of someone with my diagnosis. He was stopped short when my daughter informed him that her dad wasn’t average.
Hopefully she meant you're above average. 😀
There's a lot of area under the bell curve that is not average.
After I started on BAT + ARSi and that keeps the pCA under control - they have stopped asking and begavet normally
Good luck and good health as long as you live.
Peoples lack of empathy can be an incredible shock.
Do you know what an impulse response is? They actually used it in the film Jurasic Park where they send a shock to the ground and that shock wave allows you to see whats actually buried there by the responses recorded from the inital 'pulsed' event. You record the responses from many inputs - provided by the initial shock.
As people go through life, they meet all kinds of people where they form an opinion on. It's not until something in life creates a shocked event that you really get to see who they really are. These types of events can be redundancies, deaths, cancer, illness and much more.
They just lack the empathy. This also happens to people who have never experienced many shocked events in life. They just don't have any appreciation of your situation. They probably 'believe' that they understand but it's something you have to live through to truely appreciate it. It's no coincidence that people who have little money donate money to people who need it.
You can't let yourself get caught up in being emotional about other people and their lack of empathy. Personally I learnt a long time ago to stop trying to educate people who don't want to be educated. Just concentrate and yourself and whats good for you, not them,
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