I promised my daughters that I would tell my grandsons about my cancer when they became teenagers. As some of you may remember, I was diagnosed 6 years ago with stage 4, but due to my medication ( Abiraterone ) I have done remarkably well and I’m still in pretty good shape.
The time has now come to tell them. I don’t want to frighten them, but I want to let them know how well I’ve done, possibly skirting around the issue of my inevitable demise.
Does anyone have any good ideas on how to approach this difficult scenario?
Thanks in advance.
Martin
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TommyTV
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I told both my daughter and grandson that I have a cancer that currently isn't curable and possibly fatal, but is highly treatable. I also told them that the possibility exists of new drugs that could turn my cancer into a chronic condition. I also went on to tell them that at one time AIDS was a death sentence but drugs have turned it into a chronic condition and the medical community is working on new drugs for prostate cancer to extend lives for decades.
I also faced this dilemma as I have stage 4 and 4 children aged 16, 14 and 12 and 5. We didn't tell them for the first few months but it became impossible to hide from them. We sat the oldest 3 down and told them all the information and that I had incurable cancer but never discussed given time frames. They were understandably distraught but we told them that treatments were good and new stuff was always coming out. We have a generally very positive outlook on life and the children have taken the diagnosis in their stride. We answer all questions they have at anytime and life hasn't changed much. We deliberately never made promises we couldn't keep and I think knowing we will always tell them the truth gives them a sense of control. When you have children you have no other choice but to get on with it and keep things as normal as possible. Good luck but I'm sure that your grandsons will be very resilient and take the news much better than you expect, tears and lots of cuddles followed by lots of reassurance that grandad isn't going anywhere soon. You will probably still be here when they are in their 40's that's what I'm hoping for. 👍
I told my adult son and daughter soon after diagnosis. It was one of the more difficult things for me to do so I would recommend trying to find a time when you are doing fairly well emotionally. I did get emotional which you do need to allow yourself. I think its important to be honest about your feelings and share that with them so they feel comfortable talking about it. It's something that we all need to learn how to deal with. I let them know that yes this is a serious condition, but there are good treatments available. I told them I could be around for quite a while, no one really knows. We would just need to take one day at time. In many ways it's no different than with anyone else. I found it was really an opportunity to talk about the "forbidden subject" and we are closer now than before. Above all, I let them know I love them very much. We would make the most out whatver time we have together.
Hope things go well and remember: we are all with you.
One lesson I derive from all of the above replies is that, if you are calm and composed and accepting of your condition, that will help your children to be calm and composed as well. I think kids get really upset and panicked when they see their parents get upset and panicked.
After a couple of weeks post diagnosis I told my 8 year old daughter. We talked about it, she was upset and sad, but realized I was ok and not too scared, so she wasn't either. Then she looked at my bald head and said "At least you don't have any hair to lose."
Kids are perceptive, and they will deal as well as you do.
And last year when I got chemo it turned out I had plenty of hair to lose. She especially appreciated that.
Remember, you are probably in some ways a hero to your grandchildren and children. How we deal with this disease and the side effects of the treatments is something that they are watching and learning from. I think we are teachers in this respect. I was symptomatic and had to wear a Foley catheter for 3-1/2 months. I could not hide this from my grandchildren and didn't even try. This provided some great teaching moments that I suspect they will remember many years from now.
The question was not mine! But the replies pouring are wonderful. We have great people around us and I think Tommy will be at ease to tell about his condition.
We have been very open with our 3 adult children over the 20 years since I was diagnosed. They have been with us along this journey. My daughter has become a physician and she is now the point person for family support. She understands the medical side and her brothers often ask her questions of understanding when the science exceeds their experience. They were a great support when my lung mets developed 9 years ago. We gathered and I had a wonderful, emotional discussion with the three kids alone, no spouses or grandkids. We all shared our deepest fears and concerns, then moved on into a very tight supportive role.
This August when I learned that the cancer had spread outside the lung and was facing new treatment choices, my grandson asked me to join him to drive his car back to college 1800 miles away. We had a wonderful discussion on the ride about our lives and I realized that the now young adult grandkids have been aware but protected from the reality of my cancer. When I returned home I wrote a letter to all the adult age grandchildren telling them where things were and reminding them how important they were in my life. The responses were wonderful.
A close, loving, supportive family helps me stay positive as I approach new challenges. Just finished my first round of Provenge with my kids and my older grandkids with me every step of the way.
Yes, I have a good idea. Don't tell them. I have had stage 4 PCA for 18 yrs. Every year or two something new comes around, and is effective, and more potential effective treatments are in pipeline. Consider it that you have a chronic disease, and may very well outlive many that are sympathizing with you.
You got that right...I know a guy who was real worried about dying from PCa and fell over dead from a massive heart attack...the only one worried about me is my Alligator Snapping Turtle...they can live 200+ years
Thanks everyone. Talked to my grandsons today. Used the 'although not curable, treatable' line of discussion. All went really well, kept everything upbeat and I got the feeling they couldn't care less, which is great.
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