I said the other day that I would start a new thread here to address some things that I feel are important after I have read all your posts.
First of all, I would like to say that this is truly a wonderful forum and that each of you seems so willing to share about their personal journey in the hope that it may help somebody else who is going through the same or a similar fight. That is absolutely wonderful.
Secondly, some of you mentioned in your replies to my post about Paul's last few hours that it was good that I had shared this so openly because it made it more clear what awaits you at the end of life. I feel it is important to say that each end of life is different. Some of you may die as peacefully and under similar circumstances in a hospital or in hospice or at home. Others may go through more pain or discomfort towards the end. Others may simply be told that Chemotherapy does no longer work and that there is nothing more that can be done for them. And there will also be those who die from something that is not cancer-related. So please don't take our story as the story that shows you how it is going to be for you.
What I really wish for each and every one of you is that you have a loved one by your side when you are near the end. And I hope that it won't be a person who holds on to you and cannot let go but somebody who is willing to let you go knowing what a tremendous fight you have had and that this fight is now over.
Best wishes to everyone!
Mel.
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MelaniePaul
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my sincere condolences to you on the devastating loss of your Paul. Having been through it myself just 56 days ago when I lost my Terry after a nine year fight with Prostate cancer, I know just what you must be going through at this time.
I agree that we have to be prepared and to let our spouse know that we let them go at the end (even though we have fought for them and researched for them, been to every appointment and treatment with them and done everything in our power to keep them alive for as long as we could) we have to let them go in peace.
The hard part is after they have gone. My Terry wanted to die at home, so for five days his daughter and I nursed him and loved him and did our all to make his passing peaceful and as good as it could be. And it was. But the pain that is left now is indescribable. Like an amputation of a limb, that's how it feels to lose your soulmate. What now? I don't know.
I wish you peace and good memories and love Melanie.
And I think I completely understand your pain. It does indeed feel like the amputation of a limb. The pain is often so strong that I can't even breath...
It was good that he was able to die at home as he had wished. In our case, unfortunately, that wasn't possible because Paul was too sick. If I had kept him at home, I think he would have passed away with a lot of pain and discomfort.
It sounds like we both have been with our spouses every step of the way. And we were a good team. But, in the end, sadly, the battle couldn't be won.
I don't know if it would help you, but what helps me is to live my life now as I think Paul would have wanted me to live it. You know, whatever I do I ask myself: What would Paul do now? Or what would Paul say?
A virtual hug to you and a lot of strength in this very difficult time!
Well, you know, I think I did most of the time. But looking back now I can see that, at times, I lost it as well, I was very tense towards the end and more tense than perhaps was good, for example, when he didn't want to drink his energy drinks I would get very cross and sometimes feel like, "Why isn't he more helpful in this fight?" I guess I just didn't want to see, couldn't allow myself to see, that he had reached a point where he really could not continue this fight.
Thank you for your beautiful posts and all the contributions you have made to our group. Our hearts break for you...but we have grown to know that you are a strong woman who will be just fine. 😊 And you will have the memories of Paul and the time you spent together that you can cherish forever.
Thank you for, well everything. Letting go is the most loving thing we can do. I know this because I have literally been there for 3 Grandparents and both my Mom and Pop’s passing. All were different, some beautiful, some a fight to the end. In all cases it appeared to me that until we let go they hung on.
As for the pain and the severed limb, I really get that to my core. My birth father was killed in an accident when I was 18 months old. I have had this deep well of sadness inside of me since then. Like you I have learned compassion from it. I have learned that if I am just in the moment I still see beauty and have truly joyful days And like you I often asked myself what would Daddy Larry do?
The key is always to be in the moment and to return to it whenever you are taken away by the “What if’s” of life.
I have loved reading your posts and thank you for sharing. I love all the comments here also. I’ve been taking care of my dad since his dx 8 years ago. We’re at the end of the fight, sadly. Many nights I’ve laid awake for hours letting the fear of “what’s to come” take over the “here and now”. This site has been so beneficial to me in so many ways because of the wonderful ppl here like yourself and Paul. My heart goes out to you and everyone here in this club that “no one wants to join”. (Can’t remember who said it, but I love it) j-o-h-n?
Thank you so much for this post. Your previous posts were always followed by my wife who could relate to everything you said. You are in our thoughts and prayers and we hope your getting lots of support and love during this time from your friends and family.
I have just finished reading a wonderful book, well, in my opinion it is wonderful. It is called "When Breath Becomes Air" and it is about a young doctor who is suddenly confronted with the diagnosis of terminal lung cancer. A very good read, could relate to a lot of it, would highly recommend it.
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