I’m so scared. Dad is getting palliative care at home. Every day he is deteriorating. New challenges. He’s breathless, low Hb, low platelets, fluids in his pleural cavity, lymph nodes are swollen, oedema, he coughs all the time. I’m besides myself with anxiety. I can’t bear to see him like that. This cancer is killing him slowly and horribly. He struggles to drink a glass of water, tries so hard to feel better but it’s a futile struggle. Got some fluids drained from the pleural cavity yesterday, now he has a fever and is listless. Started antibiotics. Feet are swollen, electrolytes are down, I can’t see this suffering, so scared of what is in store.
He’s had a few blood transfusions in the last few months to sustain his blood levels but now he’s losing this battle. Please please pray for him.
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sujkap
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I'm very sorry to hear of your Dad's condition. I hope his pain medications are working well for him and that he's being made as comfortable as possible. If you have a palliative care nurse who comes to see him she might be able to teach you some tricks and techniques for helping him out. When my father-in-law was dying he couldn't handle a glass of water or drink from one held for him, a nurse had a kind of stick with a little sponge on the end which she would dip into water and then slip between his lips, moistening his mouth and making him more comfortable. There may be other things like that too.
If he can talk, he might be interested in talking about his life. Undoubtedly he knows things about his childhood, his parents, his grandparents, and other people and events that you and the other younger members of the family don't know. Maybe he'd like for you to ask him questions and tape record or write down the answers. Maybe he'd like to reminisce.
Perhaps he'd like to listen to music. Maybe he's got some favorite records or CDs that he'd like to hear again. Or maybe he'd like you or others to read to him - stories or poems. Or maybe just sit with him and watch TV. Perhaps he'd like to see children in the family - if you think they can handle it. You certainly don't want to traumatize the children, but maybe you can present it in ways that don't do that. I remember how, when my grandmother died in our house, my mother was very good at explaining things to me and making it okay for me.
You're going through a difficult and challenging time but it sounds like you're trying hard to do your best for him, and that's a great thing. I think you should feel good that you are doing the best that you can and take comfort in the fact that he knows you care and are with him in his final journey.
I wish the best to him, to you, and to all of the family. I'll be thinking of you.
Dear suikap, I’m sorry papa suffers so and that it’s hurting you as well. All I can say is that he’s blessed to have such love from you . God bless you both in the storm . I pray for mercy🙏
Have you considered talking to your Dad and reassuring him that God is merciful? He will accept all repentant sinners who trust Him and the sacrifice made by Jesus.
Remember that Jesus saved the thief on the cross just before his death.
I'm Gleason 10 with 'innumerable' mets. I cannot imagine how I would feel in my current condition if I did not have my faith.
When my mother was dying I resisted the temptation to crawl into the hospital bed and cuddle with her. I always regretted not doing that. So if you’re tempted, just do it while you have the chance.
I lost both 6 days apart The pain will be hard almost unbearable I won’t lie to you
But it will in time honey get better
Remember how lucky you are to have such a wonderful father and how lucky you are to be loved so much and how he live on Through all the memories that you have with him
This is so hard to go through and I think hardest for our families and friends. One of the most difficult aspects of death can be the transition. This of course includes the physical pain and suffering but also the letting go by the patient and their loved ones. When my mother was dying some years ago, I watched as she struggled in fear, gasping for breath at times and whispered to her that I was with her and that where she was headed was a much better place. I believe this helped both of us and gave me a role in the dying process.
The process scares everyone involved and the feeling of overwhelming loss is for all the loved ones who will remain and not have that person in their lives. It is important to understand what phase of the disease your father is in, so you can understand how you can provide assistance to him.
Once you know if he is in the last phase before passing from the medical staff, your family can decide how best to go forward. I don't know your father but personally, I want to know that when I am at that point of passing, where any heroic" action will only somewhat slow the inevitable, I want my family to have the medical staff only make me comfortable as possible and my family and friends to talk to me and comfort me. I think it will make me less afraid and also give me "permission" to go. I think you are doing those things without realizing it.
I pray that you, your dad and your family find the way that is right for you because every patient , family and situation is different. May you and your dad find all that you need and have peace and serenity in the days ahead. All the best to you.
Great words dmt1121, I was with my Dad 11 years ago when he lost his battle to cancer, I held his hand and told him it was ok to let go and that I love him. I hope my family will also do the same for me. It has helped me deal with my own battle and helped me come to terms with my own end. I endure the pain and fight for my boys but also look forward to that moment of peace when it finally comes.
The time goes by quickly without us realizing and every moment is important but it can get lost in the rushing from one thing to the next. Your attitude sounds very healthy and those boys are lucky to have you!
Oh dear I am so sorry that you have to go through this horrible experience. Grateful you are there at his side to give him affection, courage and strength through this difficult journey.
Spend as much time with him as possible, hold his hands, lie next to him, assure him of your love. The nights are the worst, there is a sense of vulnerability for him.
There are a few suggestions that I have found very helpful during my anticipatory grief:
Be sure you (1) ask him for forgiveness, (2) let him know you have forgiven him (3) express gratitude for what he has done in your life (4) assure him of your love that won’t end (5) when it’s time to say goodbye, let him know it’s ok to let go and that difficult, sad as it will be for you, you will be ok. Help him to let go when that time comes. You are still his little girl and he is fighting to be around for you.
Oh gosh my chest is filled with tears and pain!!!! This is not easy for you! I will pray for you that you will have the courage to let him go when that time comes. Pray you can be at his side as he transitions, holding his hands, him hearing you voice with expressions of your love.
Sending virtual hugs, loads of love and sending up prayers for comfort and courage.
Prayers of peace and comfort as you and your Dad change roles . It’s a very hard job but nothing but a blessing that you can do it with him . I held both my parents hands as they passed on and it’s one of my most reassuring moments of my life that God gave us. It’s one of our many assignments here on earth is to help each other pass to the other side. God bless you all.
I’m holding your words close to my heart, ‘help each other pass to the other side’, yes that’s my role at this stage. Thank you for this perspective. 🙏🙏
I am sending prayers for you and your family. I went through almost the same with my father (May God have mercy on his soul).
Putting God in the center of your life is one of the best things you can do. I cannot stress enough the power of prayers. God is our ultimate Protector and Healer. God willing whatever the outcome, you will find peace, patience and tranquility in your heart. I prayed for such and God the Most Great and the Most Merciful fills my heart with all of that.
May God the Most Merciful grant your father comfort.
Remember that God will not burden a soul beyond its capacity. This life is a test. The pain is temporary and will pass.
‘God will not burden a soul beyond its capacity’ . Many thanks for suggesting this way to look at the present situation. All this support has given me trenendous peace.
I have gone through the loss of both my parents and had palliative care(hospital) and finally hospice care at home for each of them. If you have access to quality hospice, please reach out to them now as they can be the angels that you and your father now need to hold your hand. I am so sorry for the pain you are enduring.
Sending prayers and hoping he is given pain meds. We took care of both of my parents and I know the day to day care is hard on you and your father. I made sure that my parents got whatever pain meds that worked. So hard when they couldn't eat or drink. Hospice people were great. Just keep loving him and making him comfortable. Again you are in my prayers
I forgot to share this in prior post.There is an excellent book (just released) that may also help you now as it focuses on both loved one and family caregiver:
A Beginner’s Guide to the End-Practical Advice for Living Life and Facing Death. By B.J. Miller & Shoshana Berger.
It is really a Godsend for me and my husband as he has been an Adv Prostate Cancer surviver with excellent medical team for 11 years but has run out of options. It was now our decision to continue what no longer worked or request that his life’s journey end through comfort care. After a great deal of research and discussion we determined what was right for us and are now supported by palliative care and moving toward hospice. Through sharing our many memories ,sadness and fears of loss as well as the unknown we are at peace with our decision. Each day is a special gift with him.
When your hero is in such bad shape it tears our hearts out. My dad has stage 4 and deminsia as well, cancer in his hips. 3 years ago he was running a dozer and driving the RV. Now won’t drive sleeps most of the time. As you I am heart broke to watch him go down hill so fast. This monster is so horrible. My heart goes out to you and all the care givers out there ❤️❤️❤️🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
I am so sorry for you and your Dad. Be strong. I know it is hard. I have a daughter. She is now a radiation therapist because of going with me to treatment when she was young. It worries me when my time comes. I will pray for you both. I am glad you are there for him. Believe in the lord. He will help with suffering. I am sure your dad is very proud of you as you both weather the storm. God bless you both.
I am asking for a gentle transition to the next place. Do you have hospice care where you live? You dad has won his battle; it is only his body that has not. Hugs and blessings to you both.
Oh my gosh. Your words. When my Dad said “I fought the fight & the cancer won,” it tore our hearts out. I just pray someone finds a cure for this horrendous disease that takes such amazing men from us all.
My heart is breaking for you right now. You’re not alone and we are all here to be a shoulder to cry on and offer as much support as we can. Keep reaching out as often as you need and know we all care deeply. Love and prayers for you.
I will share something very personal...I was at MD Anderson receiving a six week round for my second stage 4 cancer...I have one very successful daughter and two very young grandchildren and I kept " I got this face on and you stay at home" It was in all seriousness not much of an ordeal after my first battle with head and neck but alone none the less. I really do well since my cup is always half full.....My brother was a brigade commander and died at 45 which has been my great loss ,he was big brother and we were very close....One day I was sitting out side after a run in Houston and feeling a little lonely....I had over 1000 pics on my I-phone and a permanent screen shot....I attempted to make a call and there on my screen was a picture of my brother accepting his change of command...Yuppers Tom was looking down on me....God is alive and well...I think everyone has seen signs of this....I wish you calm during this turbulent time, and will say a prayer at 10,000. feet tonight...
🙏 someone is watching out for us. Each one of us. Your prayers will be extra special, closer to god’s Beautiful skies, they will shower blessings on all of us. God bless.
My heart breaks for you. We just lost our Dad on July 27th, I know the feeling of helplessness you are having right now, I am so sorry. When my brother asked my Dad if he was tired, and he answered yes ... we knew as his children, we needed to let him go. Take every moment in & surround him with love ❤️. Prayers to you and your Dad.
Oh love I feel so much for u it's a horrible disease Steve was the same luckily his pain just started a bout a month before passing check his mouth for ulcers and thrush Steve had it that's why he couldn't drink but no one noticed please talk to me any time xx
IV fluids and Oxygen really helped my Dad. Despite what hospice says I doubt it prolongs his suffering at all. He was very comfortable up until the end. I miss him so much.I was younger when my mom died and I did not think to insist on IV fluids.. my last memories of her are her begging for water and being very thristy. I did not let that happen to my Dad and he got both IV fluids and oxygen.
I will pray for you! Sending you both lots of love too.
Im so sorry to hear this about your dad. I recently went through the same thing. My father was on hospice for 5 months before he passed. All you can do is make sure he is as comfortable as he can be. Hopefully he is getting the pain meds he needs. When my father got bad towards the end it was morphine every hour on the hour. Its very difficult to watch. He had the swelling really bad in his legs and feet. And the only time they returned to normal was in the week before he passed. As hard as it is for you to see the pain. Just try to spend whatever time you can with him. Its only been two months since my dads passing but i find solace in the fact that he is no longer in pain. Stay strong for your father.
May your daddy rest in peace. The advice I’ve got from so many of you here has made me stronger and I don’t feel as helpless as I did earlier. Thank you.
Thank you. I cant emphasize enough about just being there for your dad. I took months off work to be with my dad. I have no regrets about the time we spent together because now im left with the memories. I hope your fathers pain eases. Keeping you guys in my prayers.
I am so sorry you are going through this! No one knows the hell you are going through till it happens to them. Me my children,and grand children have been through this it is the worst thing you will go through in your life. My husband passed away June 20thof this dreaded diease. There is not a day that goes by I wonder if we coulda, shoulda, woulda,done something different if he would of still been here even though I know he did this his way. Me my son and grandson took care of him at home with the help of hospice me mostly it was hard but I never will regret one moment. I still wonder it he knows I was trying my hardest. Just take care of him and you will never regret it. I am praying for him, you, and your family.🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿😢
Yes, Lots of should have and could have here too. Lots of over-thinking on ifs and whys. Hope God leads me to take the right decisions for dad. Thank you for your prayers.
Yesterday we celebrated the life of my husband and amazing father to 2, now adult, kids. He was told to seek hospice care on 2/21/19 (my 58th birthday) nearly 6 months ago to the day of him taking his last breath 8/24/19, one week after his 58th birthday. He died at home with the kids, me and the dogs in his peaceful sanctuary room that we created filled with pictures, classical music, books, a window that looked out at birds, bees and butterflies. The last moments of his life were beyond words serene. That brief moment has helped ease the pain and suffering that he and we endured. I kept saying that dying was like a marathon that he was doing his best with while in a drug induced state of no pain yet a body that was trying to figure out how to shut down. It was hard for us to witness but we would not have had it any other way. At diagnosis he was given around 2 years and we extended that to 6 1/2. He was there for the kids to graduate high school and college, our daughter to get married, our son to commission into the Air Force, many family trips and backyard campfires, simple lunches with friends and everything that he possibly wanted to do before leaving. He wrote his own obit, helped plan his funeral, made sure everything was in order so that he could go knowing we would be ok. And that is how it is. I am surrounded by the love of so many who came to honor his life. There's a big hole in my heart, yet I am comforted to know I can continue, with time. Dying is complicated and challenging but can also be beautiful and life affirming for all left to carry on. I hope you can help your dad transition with peace and you can find the strength to let him go to ease the process. Time will stand still and all the same seem like an eternity. There is a thin veil that separates us in life and death. I sit here and know that Eric is at peace, watching and still with us, making sure that all is as he wished. We are taking our time with this thing called grief. It won't go away but the suffering will diminish. As my son said, I have to embrace this sadness because it only reinforces how much my dad meant to me and how much he is loved and how much he himself loved us. My heart goes out to you and your family even while I might feel like there is nothing left in my heart to feel or give. I am broken wide open and know that all I can feel really is love.
I will read these words over and over. You have shared your beautiful perspective. Thank you for helping me collect my thoughts. I feel so much more empowered to accept what is inevitable, I pray it is as serene a passing for dad too. Peace to your family.
It is the worst and best of times and trust that you can do this for him. The simple word, Peace, whispered on the exhale is how I remained with Eric to the end. My Dad is 88 as well, relatively healthy and independent, and he is trying to comprehend how his son-in-law 30 years younger left this earth before him. My Dad is here to comfort me, my husband is no longer here.. But age doesn't matter, it is devastating whenever we are faced with losing someone we love. Today, we gather for a backyard bbq in Eric's memory. I have cried, laughed, taken a nap, let others do for me what I cannot do and it is all perfect. Be kind to yourself through this. We are connected in our experiences, yet will likely never meet. That's how it works. We learn that we are not alone in this. Peace to you and yours.
So very sorry for what you are going through. Your Dad knows how very much you love him... He loves you too!! Im sure he feels very lucky to have a daughter like you, right there by his side through it all. Everyone that I know would love to have a daughter that cares and loves her Dad as you do yours.
I wish I could express in words how my heart feels for you at this sad time. I started to cry reading your post.
Everyone on this forum hate to loose someone here. We become like family . Each knows how cruel this disease is.
God bless your dad and you. Sending a hug and prayers..🙏🏻
Recently diagnosed with Stage 4 PCa and it's the stories of gasping for air and swelling up in the final weeks are what cause me so much anxiety.......it sounds frightening and horrible. My mother died in a morphine stuper, from ovarian cancer, completely unaware..... it was peaceful. I need to orchestrate that if I can...........peacefully passing in my sleep. Surely that can be carried out by the staff if they're on board with my wishes. Right?
For months I have dreaded what dad is going through now. I’ve prayed and prayed that he just goes peacefully, I hug him lots, he’s the kindest soul I know.
I believe that when we pray for healing, sometimes His answer is "Yes, of course, but that means bringing him here to my place. So, you will be apart for a while."
It's been 6 years since my husband passed away from stage 4 PrC, and your words are possibly the most inspiring words I've heard during that time. Grief has continued much longer than I ever expected. I am nowhere in the place that I felt I would be in after 6 years, but I treasure the image of God's saying, "Yes, of course, but that means bringing him here to my place. So, you will be apart for a while." Thank you, thank you, thank you for bringing such incredible words to me and others. I will definitely remember those words to comfort others, as well as myself, during the storms.
Thank you for all your gentle prayers and love for my dad and me. I think they are working. We both are less anxious now and more accepting of what lies ahead. Dad seems to have finally accepted his sudden deterioration and doesn’t struggle to get better. He has always been a kind and gentle soul, and worked hard all his life. His will power and spirit has sustained him through this disease. He’s my heroic warrior.
Thank you again. A group hug to all of us, we are a great healing force together.
All of us here and the rest of the world pray for your Dad and for you. May he be without pain and discomfort and his eyes never be filled with tears. Tell him I wish him well and that I envy him for having such a loving and caring child. God Bless you all.
Any one will be lucky to have a son like you who cares. This is a time of test of your emotional strength...Its very very difficulty time.
Dads condition brings the ultimate reality of life right in our face...that we are all mortal and this world is a temporary abode for us.
Serving Dad is his final part of life is a very noble task which you are performing well.
Your Dads blessings will remain with you rest of your life. May God give you more strength to face these painful days. Wish Dad and you peace and serenity.
Just carrying on in a daze. It has been a tough 5 days at the hospital, excessive bilateral malignant pleural effusion, back home again with a draining tube sticking out under the left ribs. Hope he can breathe easier now.
Daughters are amazing. Yes..its very very hard on you. Keeping dad comfortable is the goal. I hope you get enough strength to fulfil this noble task of helping your dad. Best wishes.
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