Social Skills Training

[Notebook24]

Hello everyone,

I hope that everyone is enjoying a happy and relaxing holiday season.

I'm on Vyvanse 20 mg 3 days on and one day off and it is okay for me now. I'm struggling with my daily life between part time remote work and family ,just my husband.I dont have kids. My main struggle is that I'm unable to be atuned to my husband emotional needs.Also, my overall well being is 1/3 of the time ok, 1/3 time is 50% and the other 1/3 is bad when I have brain fog, Any change can cause brain fog and exhaustion. I have been struggling with understanding others e.g. what they really mean,what should I do for them?and I have this strange instinct that if the other one shows fascial expressions of sadness I feel for them however, I dont know what to do for them to sooth them! I know I was not lovy dovy woman but I was always helpful,cheerful, and fun to be around with.

Is it my ADHD that went for 50 years undiagnosed and it became very clear and aggressive when I reached premenopause? or What?

I was reading about social skills training programs. Does anyone have an experience? Any input? I'm interested in improving and developing my empathy and body language skills.

Thanks

[Mamamichl]

I would love to know more about social skills training. I would ask your partner to be more vocal about his needs in those situations. Also, write down when these things happen. Sometimes it helps to process it. My partner and I usually take what we need. For example, we will pounce on the other if we need cuddles, or ask for ibuprofen if we have a headache instead of just saying we have a headache. Also, take time each day when you have a break to check in and ask if they need anything.

[Tigger4me]

Hi Notebook24, I think that it is wonderful that you recognize some of your partner's emotional states. I'm not so good at recognizing my partner's "I'm felling low" periods, but I'm batting around 75% at picking up on the times they are pissed off and irritated, mostly at something I've done or said. If, and that is a big if, I can keep from immediately responding in a not positive way, I will slow down enough to remember to just ask "how are you? you seem to be irritated at something (implied at me). That has helped a lot, just asking, but it is so much better if I can truly "hear" what they say and not try to just come up with a solution (to get rid of the projected negative feelings).

However, I've have gotten the most benefit from learning about their basic personality by studying a personality typing paradigm called the Enneagram (means graph with nine parts). I found this to be literally a life saver. It is descriptive and what I think of as operational meaning that it describes typical behavioral responses to everyday life situations. It is very accessible to understand and apply to just about any and all social situations. I've used it to help me figure out relationships in my family (mother, brother, spouse, children) and at work (supervisors, co-workers, etc.). Prior to beginning my study of the Enneagram, I thought that peoples personalities were completely unknowable, but no so with my using this personality typing scheme.

There are many websites with good info and many books.

[BLC89]

Hello Notebook24,

Mamamichl nailed it with being more vocal about your needs. No one can read minds. When you "know" why they are feeling a particular way, chances are you are way off base.

Explaining to your husband that you are working on picking up on subtleties in non-verbal communication is a good idea. Then you can request, in the mean time, as you are learning, can he be more vocal and direct about his needs so you can learn more quickly. It's a win win because he gets in the habit of vocalizing his needs/wants and you can put the pieces to gather, and you don't have to guess. If you can have a phrase to open the conversation about needs that helps too, it sets the tone.

"I am not being critical, may I request....." avoid using "but" it negates what came before.

"I'm not being critical but..." has a completely different meaning. It's a hard habit to break and one that is so worth the effort.

Or "I need to express ____ and I may not say it in the nicest way. I want to express not criticize..."

Yes menopause messes with EVERYTHING! It accentuates our emotions (regulated and otherwise) it wreaks havoc with medications, perceptions, etc.

For social skills training, understanding yourself and your reactions and where they come from, first is a great place to start. Once you have explored personal reactions and their root it is easier to interpret similar reactions from others or put yourself in their shoes. Reading people is partly innate and partly learned, give yourself time and credit for all you do know already. And stay open to learning more.

The first couple of times you bring up a touchy subject with your husband - touchy for you or for him - it is scary and hard to do. You can do it. You can do hard things. Look at the life you have and you did all that not knowing you are wired differently. You have a 100% success rate of surviving the uncomfortable situations of your life, you can do this.

Hang in there and know that this place is great for venting, learning, leaning on others and sharing.

BLC89