Strategies needed to pick up after myself/Adult ADD

[dotster00]

I have been a single mom of 3 for 14 years with no financial or other support. So I have always had to work two jobs as a nurse. My ADD was more of a super power to successfully juggle a million things professionally and with the kids. The thing that has ALWAYS been an issue, in every relationship, is the messy house. I am now getting married to a very clean "type A" person that can not understand why I can not pick up after myself. I am always in a hurry, I do everything fast, even when it is not necessary. This leads to leaving lights on, doors open, projects at home half done, my shoes and clothes everywhere. I try hard to make changes but struggle very bad with "out of sight, out of mind". So even if my intention is to put something away in a few minutes, someone calls, or texts or something in my environment distracts me and I forget. My fiance' thinks that I don't care, that I don't try, and that I need to "just pick up after myself". It causes so much friction and arguments. It is literally the only problem, but its a big one. I am desperate for tools or strategies that can help be successful with picking up after myself

[Tigger4me]

dotster00, I've been extremely fortunate to have a spouse (for over 40 years now) who has been open to learning with me about ADHD in general and about my own ADHD traits in particular. She has often said that one of the hardest things she had to learn was that I was doing my best to keep my various ADHD behaviors in check. I was trying to not be forgetful, impulsive, or messy around the house on purpose or to piss her off. She really had to work to get her head wrapped around the realization that however messy it might be around the house the inside of my head could be way more messy. Being on ADHD meds certainly helped as did a lot of exercise and physical activity. But it was still a challenge to for both of us.

I'm saying this because I believe that it is critical for the spouse of someone with ADHD to understand is that we DO NOT have our ADHD behaviors because WE ARE MENTALLY WEAK or because WE DON'T TRY HARD ENOUGH or because WE DON'T CARE ABOUT OUR SPOUSE'S FEELINGS. (Sorry that I got carried away with the caps).

Since you are a nurse, might you be able to discuss, with your fiance, your ADHD as a medical condition? Or might there be someone at your work that you trust who could discuss the medical aspects of ADHD with you and your future partner?

Cheers.

[BLC89]

Hello dotster00,I cannot agree withTrigger4me more! They are spot on.

Your fiance needs to understand ADHD in order for the two of you to talk about it.

ADHD 2.0 - book by Dr Hallowell & Ratey is a great overview of ADHD, an easy read, gets into the brain science of it, and explores the differences between females and males and how ADHD impacts them.

You are likely drawn to your "type A" fiance precisely because they have mastered a skill that eludes you - keeping things in order.

Your brain works very differently than theirs. If they don't understand that you will continue to have friction.

The level of messy for each of you is a very physical representation of how each of your brains work.

It may not be a reasonable expectation that you rise to their level of tidy, and that's OK. As long as you both understand that it is not personal in any way - that's the hardest part for partners to grasp. Partners take your actions, or lack thereof, as a representation of how you feel and that simply isn't true. It is representative of how your brain works.

No matter how much you love someone you can't change how your brain is built. You can make modifications but a full remodel isn't likely.

Not trying to be a downer, just realistic. You both have to be realistic as to what each of you is bringing to your partnership.

Good luck with everything and congratulations on you engagement that's super exciting.

BLC89

[NotAChevy]

ive discussed this a couple of times on here as have others! I feel your pain, as I was really bad until I started writing every little thing down I need to do and telling myself I need to look at my list at least 1 time per hour.

I tell myself I can't move onto the next thing until I finish this one. Then I write down the new thing and continue where I was. That way, it’s still remembered- as being something I need to do, but its out of my mind for that moment, so ill forget about it!

[HaloDad]

You gotta be either mindful or honest about it. Especially when you know it's a pet peeve.

Example: If I gotta run through the house with mud on my boots because (wild emergency) I never just leave and say nothing.

Excuses don't clean shit up.

Now I know you say you care, but either: get more sleep or when it crosses your mind, do it their way because most people don't bend on pet peeves.

If you forget, don't say, "well I was.."

No, say, "I forgot" or "I misplaced".. whatever. Honesty usually gets better sympathy than reasoning. They're already worked up. I've got a couple hot heads in my life - this advice is from experience.

There is a line though, some people love to point out mistakes. But, usually saying less about it doesn't escalate the argument. Why say more? It's a fucking mistake.

Here's more advice: agree a little, even when you don't. It's a male survival technique.

Either way,

If they are right, or you know you should do better, revisit the drawing board.

Consider, For example:

Keys have a spot. Phone has a spot. My smart speaker calls my phone if lost. Don't leave a phone on silent. Etc.

And whatever you do, don't do something different, such as sleep, before things are in check (we have a family charging station now). The rules to help you essentially function have to be enforced and supported.

If you constantly argue about a repetitive topic. Make a mental note. Think about how it should be. Make it foolproof.

You'll screw up much less. And at least be less hard on yourself. Make the effort, it'll pay off.

[DragonJeep]

Take it for what it's worth, but something that has helped me is the mantra "Don't put it down, put it away!" So for things like my food wrappers, dishes, making the bed, putting my toothbrush away, bath towels, and other small things in the moment, if I tell myself I will take care of it later, it will either never get done and/or add to my burden of things I know I need to do later. I can't "put something away in a few minutes", it won't get done, or it will be harder to motivate myself to do it. So as hard as it might be, try to take care of what you can in the moment. If it's something that NEEDS to wait, then I write it down in a running list on my phone. If it takes longer to write it down, just do it.