Adult ADD and denial

[Sibling24]

My sibling has been diagnosed with AD(H)D after appr 50 years. I also suspect ADD comorbidity (RSD, ODD, PIB). For me it explains what I (unsuccessfully) have tried to discuss over the years. However, it seems that my sibling doesn’t get treatment, and all ADD problems (denial, anger, lack of accountability and boundaries) and its impact on me are simply dismissed. No calm discussion is possible, it is the ADD way or no way. Therefore, I have significantly reduced contact which still creates anger because of RSD. What to do when there is no treatment is applied and my ADD sibling denies any accountability for hurtful behaviours and its symptoms? What about the mental issues of ADD siblings who are not listened to resulting in c-PTSD? Thanks

[BLC89]

Hello Sibling24,This is interesting. I have often wondered about this in terms of spouses of ADHD but siblings would be impacted in their formative years by ADHD symptoms.

I'm sorry your sibling isn't in a place to discuss things calmly or apologize for past actions, that is no fun at all and probably feels extremely unfair.

I would suggest that, as best you can, take care of yourself first and foremost. You need to heal you.

Apologies are nice and can definitely kick start healing but you still have to do the work for you.

Allow for the sadness, morn the loss of the sibling you deserved to have had. Be sad for what could have been. And be mad too! Let all the emotions flow, don't hang on to them, they won't do you any good.

Write a letter to your sibling expressing all your feelings (hand written is extremely powerful) then burn the letter and have a funeral for what could have been. You can't make anybody do, feel or want anything. You can only control how you feel and how you react.

Be kind to yourself, get support for PTSD and heal yourself. That's all you can do.

I wish you the best as you start your personal healing journey. You deserve all the peace and joy the world has to offer.

BLC89

Full disclosure: I am an ADHD Parent Coach. I have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and raised two kids who have ADHD.

[Sibling24 in reply to BLC89]

Thanks for your response. Much appreciated. Siblings may be a forgotten group. I'm already taking care of myself with therapy, reading a lot and send letters to process my experience and trauma. The content of my letters seems automatically dismissed or claimed to have not been received while my sibling’s partner, copied in, doesn’t want to be involved. The most painful is the “Cassandra effect” since I have been raising all the symptoms since an early age (50 years ago) but all these years nobody listened or believed me.

Thanks again, I’m slowly improving but still difficult at times.

[Mamamichl]

you can’t just give a diagnosis as an excuse. You need to keep trying to better yourself, no matter the condition. They are limiting themselves by doing this. I do counseling and just took my gene site test to know what meds to try. If hey do t want to go that route, meditation multiple times a day and researching their diagnosis are helpful. They need to learn for adjusting their lives, not find excuses.

[Sibling24 in reply to Mamamichl]

Thanks for your response. Well done for trying to improve yourself. My sibling is not using ADHD as an excuse. ADHD issues and past behaviours are simply dismissed (standard “nothing to do with me”). Believing that there are no ADHD issues with accountability, boundaries, anger, initiating solutions, believing to be a relationship expert. The other person needs to provide a get out of jail card and is blamed for not doing so. All those 50 years, my sibling didn’t have to change anything related to ADHD to get the needs met. Just pressing the sensitive buttons (guilt etc) with people, using attention bombing, anger, crying, helplessness while dismissing “criticism” and overestimating their own perception of abilities. Therefore, all my fault, a discussion is impossible, and I don’t expect that the situation will improve.

I’m a bit disappointed that I filled in the questionnaire which led to the ADHD diagnosis but was never contacted to give further information. It may be that my sibling doesn’t get ADHD therapy, and/or all the issues are just kept away from the therapist. I even proposed to have a session with the therapist.

[Mamamichl in reply to Sibling24]

It may be time to think of yourself and make harder boundaries for your own mental health. I have had to go no contact with my parents after they both made my family homeless for 4 months and my mom said “i don’t give a $hit about your a, b,c, disorder”. They will never acknowledge they may have them as wel and I need to do that is right for my 9yo and my 15yo. It is always a hard decision, but after you make it, there will be some regret but your mental health will improve tremwndpusly.