i was just made aware that this month, July, is Disability Pride Month- a month to look back not at the negatives of our lives, like being Neurodivergent, but at the things we do well. Folks with ADHD are typically considered friendly, able to complete things like difficult research with ease, and even some of the most creative people alive.
So, while we finish up this month, let’s try to look at the positives we bring, and not the negatives. We’re all super important, and we all bring unique “superpowers” to others, so lets lift each other up!
I'd like to start by saying thank you to this group and the support its given me, and I hope I can be that “ little ray of light” for someone else as they deal with the mixed up world of having ADHD.
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NotAChevy
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I was just thinking a little while ago about how ADHD is among the large number of biological or neurological "invisible" disabilities. I didn't even realize that we were in Disability Pride Month. (The name is a little confusing, because wasn't Pride Month for LGBTQ+ people in June?)
Yeah, no. I'm sorry, but while I fully endorse and support helping each other out on this forum and any other way I am able, this is completely counter to a number of things we have to deal with having ADHD. This feels incredibly counter-productive.
I wonder:
How do we stop acting like victims by adopting this self-victimizing language and format?
How do we keep these channels clean of anything sounding like politics and the never ending news cycle we're supposed to be detoxing from, among other things like negativity, etc?
Does anyone here really believe, that our spouses, families, etc. are going to take well to us having our 'special month' so we can be 'seen' when they already can't stand to be in the room with us?
This is all 100% rhethorical, of course, and I can go on and on and on, but I believe I've made my point.
Everyone else can do whatever they want, as we all have free will. I will keep fighting the good fight and setting an example of strength and resilience, despite having very, very bad days, without employing these additional crutches that only serve to confuse the language and are an inducement to self-victimization leading to increased RSD, impostor syndrome, and all the rest of it.
PLEASE NOTE: I am doing much better with my family because I am the one changing and modifying my behaviour. Through this ADHD thing I was making THEM modify their behaviour around me and that is a non-starter. This to me smacks of making the world pad the room for us and wrap us in bubble wrap, and I, for one, refuse to engage in anything that chips away at my serenity and self-discipline. It's just too tempting and too self-defeating.
One does not learn to stop being a victim by trying to become some new, special kind of victim in the new endless spectrum of self-victimization propaganda. I don't care if I'm 'seen' by the world. That is pure narcissism and it is nothing if not insidious. I care if I'm 'seen' living out my days as a good example of man, father, husband to my family, full stop. To the extent that I can help others with this, I will be using other methods. Count me out on this one.
I don't think that we need a designated awareness month. And asking for understanding from other people doesn't absolve us from doing what we can to treat and accommodate our disorder... because it is our cross to bear, and not theirs.
However, I do feel that our society needs to correct the ignorance, misunderstanding, and misinformation about ADHD. Combatting ignorance is necessary for everyone's sake.
Disability Pride Month commemorates the month that the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) was adopted into law. The ADA has helped bring about some meaningful changes, but there is a continual need to recognize that some people need the help of others to be better included in our society. As the article linked by CloudsAreLovely points out, approximately 1 in 4 people will be disabled at some time in their lifetime.
I shudder to think that some societies in the past (including the US) used to propagate opinions towards sterilizing people with mental health conditions and euthanizing people with disabilities.
... we've come a long way, and I think it's important to recognize that we have.
I hear you. I take no issue whatsoever with combatting the ingorance, etc. What I do take issue with is funneling this education, awareness, etc. through the stereotypical tools of propaganda we have today. Just the method itself would make A LOT of people tune out because they're being preached to nonstop. In this format, it's also getting funneled in with A LOT of horrible, incorrect things that are harmful to human flourishing and are exactly the opposite of edifying in terms of maturity and emotional intelligence.
Heck - I'm tuning out on that specific front and I have adult ADHD. What does that tell you? You guys knock yourselves out. Not for me, thx.
There have to be better ways, and to your point there are - ADA. Law. Done. It's in the books and it is there every single day of the year, every year, not just on designated propaganda months. How about a little enforcement, that's all.
Let's all just act like responsible adults and stop anything that even smacks of self-victimization.
I may be wrong, sure, but that's all I see/perceive in such methods.
I think the OP was about showing our strengths rather than victimizing ourselves. We definitely need to make sure enforcement is a thing. Even my EEOC investigation was thrown out because my accommodation of someone showing me the whole campus was too much, and I couldn’t pay attention to nonverbal communication. I have felt this in almost every position I have had in 30 years. I wish I knew how to give information to my supervisors to help them understand my needs, and even getting an ADA didn’t help much. Even playing to my strengths was not seen from my supervisors. I like that the media is trying to raise awareness, but they should be trying throughout the year instead of it just being for show one month a year.
I agree with that. It's a continuous thing, not some seasonal thing. I may be way off base, but again, the format and language wrapped around the messaging makes it gimmicky and ultimately, ineffective.
If I'm right, then what's the point in even having it?
We need a different venue, per se, and different messengers, to be sure.
I agree that it seems Gimicky and ineffective. I remember doing things I thought were dumb, but then it became a habit that has changed my life for the better. Sometimes we need something to start as a joke just to put the information out there, since so much of the opposite information has been embedded in our brains for so long. My parents still believe ADHD is a boys condition that they grow out of, and will literally fight about it. The point in having it is so that we bring out communication about it so that we can start having more conversations that are more serious. Gimicky catches attention like video games.
I 1000% agree we need a different venue. TBH the different messengers are becoming you tubers like How to ADHD, the holderness family and ADHD_love couple. I post them all over my social media and clarify things with everyone I am connected with. I would listen more to the doctors, but it seems like people are not searching details of the findings enough. I am surprised that the information is not somehow being broadcasted to most people in various ways. People tend to live in their little bubbles, and that includes mainstream media much of the time.
Interesting to read your perspective. I can logically (!) process some of your points. Definitely an exercise in perspective.
But I will also say that by the time I was done, I had all the feelings I experience around people who don't really get ADHD, and expect me to pull myself up by my bootstraps and figure out how to be like them instead of myself. I don't see myself as a victim, but I'm most assuredly not like the average bear, and not inclined to try to twist myself into a pretzel anymore. Any awareness in society is welcome; I'm not asking for anything except understanding and perhaps some kindness. Maybe more kindness than understanding.
Understood, no worries. I just operate from a standpoint that I have to be 100% responsible for my own life, and it is up to me to practice that self-compassion to get there, it's not up to other people. I get the overall good in increased awareness, etc., I just believe it is dangerous in terms of making us start to expect anything from anyone as expectations tend to only lead to resentment and increased conflict, not resolution.
This would be much more understandable to me for children, but as adults, we do have to take charge of our own ADHD, and no one else will because they cannot, never could, and frankly, that's as it should be. I don't go around padding the room for others either and trying to solve their problems, especially if it is something I couldn't possibly understand. That's a bit of a fool's errand at best.
It just feels to me like the non-adhders and us can get in a vicious cycle of trying to pull the other one to our side 'so they will finally understand', which they never will. It seems incredibly counterproductive and no one wins in the end.
My only statement is that, regardless of awareness, special celebrations, etc. the most important thing is that everyone behaves like a responsible adult and sweeps their side of the street. Some of us need a vastly different broom, agreed. That's all. We cannot keep 'recruiting' each other to the other side. It's about attraction, not retention, so I take what I like and I leave the rest. We'd all be better off if we all stuck to that, methinks.
Thank you for your feedback. I'll take it under advisement. If you feel like you were around someone who does not get ADHD, let me assure you that I do, as I plainly have it, to clarify. Nothing changes until you do. That is all.
I agree that we are needing to be responsible for our actions and be adults. What I don't fully understand is if a person in a wheelchair is accepting they are responsible because they made a mistake and was in an accident from a poor choice, how its not being an adult to ask for a ramp instead of the stairs. That is not being a victim. If a blind person is asking for braille menus to access a restaurant, that they are not refusing to take responsibility for their disability, but asking for accommodations for things that are now out of their control. My partner, who is blind, is amazing at his other senses, and can tell me smells that need to be fixed. He is great at keeping things organized and in their homes with practice, and it offsets his ADHD.
What I am saying, is we need to live as a village, not as individuals. We need to help each other and accommodate because we all have strengths as well. Just because ADHD is an invisible condition, makes it much harder to get the accommodations we need or our strengths noticed because people don’t be;I’ve in our condition or that they only are seeing the weaknesses. In interviews, I only talk about my ADHD in pointing out my strengths.
Many of us with ADHD haven’t been diagnosed until adults, so we are learning about ourselves all over again. It is because of this and that our conditions don’t go away as adults, that people discriminate. People still believe that ADHD is a condition for boys that they grow out of, and lack of the awareness of the truth is only hurting society. So doing things for kids and not adults doesn’t seem fair. I work in special education, and had I gotten treatment that I am using in the classroom, I would be more able with the skills to better mask my condition. But why should we mask our ADHD? The village should be accepting us as we are instead of judging us.
Just because society doesn’t accept us doesn't mean we don't accept ourselves. I have been doing everything in my power to be better, but there are still things we can’t control. We try to fit society, but we aren’t the same, and never will be. As adults, we have learned to accept this instead of hating ourselves. It’s like a person telling a fish to be a monkey and climb a tree like my comic. A fish can’t turn into a monkey any more than we can make our brains work the same way. This is why the village has to work together, because if we were fish, our strengths of swimming would be beneficial in certain situations as well as the monkeys ability to climb a tree.
Black and white comic of a variety of animals taking a test to climb a tree.
Yes, to everything you said! Too many of our coping skills boil down to masking as much as possible so we aren't found out. That is difficult, exhausting mental work, hard to maintain over time, with questionable results. Eventually, we screw up. Then we hear about it and start the cycle over again.
I finally came to understand that I'm not broken and I don't need to be fixed! That took years after diagnosis at 54, and only because I live a 12-step lifestyle that recommends introspection and soul work. The slogans of my tribe - First Things First, One Day at a Time, Live and Let Live - are small bites that remind me to do what needs doing and give myself grace. The world beats me up enough; I will no longer do it to myself. And it still turns. 💛
I wish that I could mask. My parents taught me morals, then broke them, so I went hulk on morals and cant even lie to people, let alone mask. The problem is, I keep telling my supervisors my conditions, because my symptoms are extreme enough that I couldn’t hide them if I tried (partially why I am in DBT). I wish people saw my enthusiasm to help and make people happy as non abrasive and accept me more. I know I am not broken, and my enthusiasm is accepted my middle school students more than it is my supervisors. The kids commend me for who I am.
Yes, we all screw up. We are human and not perfect. It’s when people try to hide their imperfections and judge others for theirs that we get into judgmental behaviors.
I also understand the 12 step lifestyle. Although I am not an addict, my family all is, and my mom’s worst part was in my upper teen years. I have learned to accept people with all conditions and ask questions before judging anyone. This is why I do so well in special education.
I completely agree with most of what you're saying. Of course, I would not deny a person in a wheelchair a ramp, not would I take a blind person's braille books nor cane away; that's preposterous and cruel.
What I am saying is that I decided to start learning self-compassion by practicing it in all things so I can truly be 100% responsible for my life. That is a lot harder and more nuanced than I ever expected.
Also being diagnosed 1.5 years ago just before turning 50, I've been faced with everyone being completely over me, angry, resentful, the lot. You have the right diagnosis, awesome! Guess what, you are very late to the party, most everyone has left, they're angry at you and no one wants to dance with you. Nobody cares about your amazing discovery. In fact quite the opposite. Very unexpected and cruel, actually.
In cases like mine, which I'm not sure are terribly rare by the posts I read on this forum, I've decided to be very intentional about improving myself and my life circumstances REGARDLESS of whether the world 'understands me better', etc.
To be fair, yes, this is an invisible condition, it's got all kinds on emotional dysregulation reactions and behaviors built into it and it would be impossible for anyone else to descypher to 'help me get better'. So long as I don't keep volunteering, I don't keep acting the victim. Big hard truth. Yup.
It seems very nebulous, to expect others to help us, especially because of how our mood changes, whether we feel threatened, put down, etc. it would drive anyone mad, I think. All that noise in the signal is not helpful and ADHD or not, I'm a pragmatist and so I need to do the right thing for myself FIRST, and immediately after for my family. The rest of the world falls a bit under 'not my circus not my monkeys'. Or does it? Why do I get so upset at the news cycle, etc. Ok, so stop 'getting tickets to go see the show'. A-ha. I just don't have the time, patience nor inclination to wait for the world to catch up to me and be more accommodating to me. I'd rather learn to make it better for myself, and to the extent that I can, insipire others with this debilitating condition to adapt to make it better for themselves.
I hope the world becomes increasingly understanding, and I will help in any way I can, but simply put, I have to keep moving forward in my own way. My progress cannot rely on others in any way, and I believe that is as it should be, frankly. No expectations, no resentments, no harm, no foul, no drama, no (more) trauma. Done. You don't like me or love me anymore? Ok, either find a reason or reasons to stay, like you actually love me, or if you do not, feel free to leave. I don't want to be with someone who needs me; I need to be with someone who wants me and vice-versa. I will not keep recruiting people. If they can't see that I'm a great guy, that's their problem. If I'm so terrible, then they have a point and I need to change. I'm just open to change, on all fronts, no holds barred.
With this approach, I am starting to get to a place where no one can hurt me, my cognitive reserve and resilience increases, and that is both both calming and powerful. Completely new, pure, healthy and good, for all the right reasons.The trick is to be consistent about my self-discipline so I can stay there as long as possible when I reach it. When it's over, go searching for it again. Again, extremely nuanced, so the approach needs to be dynamic to fit the situation.
I know I'm a bit on the harsher side of things with my personal approach to managing my adult ADHD, but that is what I bring to the table and that is how I can help others, to the extent that whoever reads my posts needs something with a bit more bite that day.
It's how I'm built and that's a good thing, though I want to keep getting better and stronger, every day.
I can tell you’ve been through a lot of trauma, but I applaud you for your strength. I hope for a society that doesn’t have to be as harsh. In my DBT, I learn to accept where I am and strive to do better. I believe that everyone is doing the best they can, including you.
You’re right in that mainstream neurotypicals don’t understand. We are constantly judged, and no matter if they try, we need to be ok with ourselves even if the world is not accepting.
Keep in mind though, there are some neurotypical people who want to understand. The family or friends of those with neurodivergence like ours. These are counselors, doctors, nurses and even people that are elsewhere. I was with mt ex for 10 years, and neither of us tried to understand the other. He was already diagnosed and I was not, but we didn’t have the compassion I have now. My current partner and I both have been diagnosed now. We are both frustrated by the other’s symptoms at times, but we take the time to try and have become each others biggest advocate. I know there are many partners who strive to help their partner with ADHD the best they can.In our situation it is NOT impossible what the other needs to do to decipher to help the other get better. We know that if this can be true for us, then it just takes compassion and curiosity to do so.
As a special education teacher, I work hard to decipher what my kids need to do better. It’s the best part of my job, actually. I see students as a puzzle who are helping me find good accommodations for them. Had I gotten this hands on experience, I could have taken more charge of my life, but everyday I am striving to do my best, and the compassion I show my students gives them confidence I never got growing up. I still don’t get this compassion from my parents, as they believe ADHD is fake, along with so many others. This is why I strive for awareness because we can all mainstream compassion for any condition someone has, even if it’s not always a disability. We can accept people for who they are, not what they are. BUT, to get there, people need to learn to understand each other.
I totally agree and I see your point. Thank you for your kind, understanding words. I'm not used to it and yes, I've gone through A LOT of trauma, and it appears that unless I do everything I can about it, I will continue to go through it, either due to letting others treat me like a doormat, being a people pleaser, being a perfectionist, having my RSD get the best of me, you name it. No more. Full stop.
The expression that people use is 'learn to read the room'. I believe that despite my best efforts and working extremely hard to be the best father and husband I could every be, I failed to read the room and fell in the trap of 'trying to control the room' more than I ever thought I did. Welcome to being and adult child of an alcoholic, among other things...
The way I look at this serial problem that repeats incessantly like the movie groundhog day, though nowhere near as funny, is to start paying attention so I can make sure to 'put myself in the right rooms'.
At first, yes, it is purely a physical thing, ie. get up, leave and go someplace else, call a friend, anything that 'puts you in a better room'. After a while, it started dovetailing into another saying that I love, which is 'nothing changes until you do'. Interesting...
So, going from cognition to metacognition, from the physical to the metaphysical, from 'normie' to 'creative' in my own way, and from society's pervasive and insidious ignorance of ADHD (yes, even one's family, sorry to say) to my own intellectual curiosity through business, finance, art, music, stoic philosophy, opera, all things Shakespeare, haute cuisine, good literature, ADHD forums, DIY home improvements projects, strenuous swim training, and everything in between, topped with a big, heavy dollop of good ol'fashioned Roman Catholic cradle-to-grave school and choir boy - How about I change the room by changing myself instead? There's a thought. A very powerful one.
I don't have to control it anymore, though I still need to remind myself of that constantly. No one has to do anything for me. I have zero expectations and way fewer resentments, and I can essentially live in a bit more of a vacuum where I see, hear, and interpret things more clearly for myself by filtering as much of the noise out so I can enjoy a much cleaner, rational, joyful, productive and edifying signal.
It's like going from listening to 'Crisis' by Jaco Pastorius and feeling his anguish in my head and heart to the music morphing, just for me, into Beethoven's Violin Romance #2 or the third movement of his 9th Symphony (highly, highly underrated piece). Out of chaos order. Beauty. Calm.
I look around the room, and everyone is still having the same conversation, watching the same movie. Nothing happened -> To/with THEM. That's just one example of what I mean by improving the signal to noise ration drastically, in my own way.
My signal is my own and if I even attempted to expound on this with the 'normies' in my life, their heads would basically explode. We are just very different and I have an excellent, very powerful brain. It works at a pace they simply cannot keep up with, and admittedly, I need to give it a consistent, gently but firm, tune up. I just need to put in a bit more work to get to where I was about 15-10 years ago and I'll be sound as a pound. I seldom have a need anymore for anyone to understand me because I now (finally) know that said hole could never be filled. The problem has lost its meaning and that part of it no longer exists. But did it change or did I?
I merely am on a mission to declutter my perception of all things real, imagined, physical and etherial, practical and theoretical and simply take the noise out. I'm on my way to a great future that's becoming ever more present and real, despite recurring setbacks, and it's clear blue skies far ahead for me. I am just working my way around some unfortunate and unexpected dark clouds that still manifest as 'parting gifts' through acceptance this diagnosis. Whoever wants to join me in that glorious future is welcome. Whoever does not; likewise.
Despite my erudite manner and verbose delivery, I don't subscribe to the superpower concept, just as I don't subscribe to accepting the put downs, being called lazy, etc. on the other end. I believe extremes can be dangerous, having lived a life so far defined b them, so I'm reinventing myself as content imperfectionist with a bit of a behavioral compulsion leaning heavily toward asymptotically approaching perfection in all realms of life. I don't find those asymptotes nearly as often as I'd like, as they tend toward the elusive. However, the calculus of my life is on the upswing either way. Here come more hockey stick graphs. I don't need to know exactly where I'm going anymore to understand and accept that my path is vastly more than directionally correct.
As with everything I write here... Make of it what you will. I hope it proved edifying.
As an aside, maybe I should write a book... Someone suggested it on here. Or start a podcast or at least a blog. Rest assured it will be under a pseudonym/pen name, as I'm a very private person and wish to remain so. I've never written a thing in my life since I wrote my graduate school application essays 22 years ago, and a lot more is coming out than I expected. Interesting.
Thank you for this gift of the outlet. Clearly, I need it.
We are here because most people do not understand adhd'ers. Sometimes not even the adhd'ers that don't have it as bad. We are here because we can express our feelings rather people agree with our point of view or not....Speak candid......that is what this group is for. I'm mad I have it......I like to vent or get advice on how to handle things different or better. ....Of course we don't need a month for disabilities.....or anything else for that mater....A day would be fine in my opinion..., I'm also not apposed either. The more people know about it the more things can be researched and possibly come up with better treatments. Not take it like it is because we don't have a choice or our choices are limited. And just an FYI I have a version of ADHD that is like I'm stuck with a child-like and teenage mind.... but I'm in an adults body. For the most part I could fake it well enough..... so I'm all for making noise to help myself and others.
Thank you so much for your support! I really do appreciate this group as well, as I have learned so much about myself and some ideas to work with my condition rather than against it.
My favorite superpowers are that I go all in about learning about each person and it works well as I am a special education teacher. I learn about their conditions, symptoms, strengths, weaknesses and interests. I am genuinely curious about the meaning behind their behavior rather than judging them for who they are. I connect with them so well, it helps them in so many ways.
The other superpower is that I am great in emergent situations if I have the support and knowledge I need for it. I have learned that if there are a lot of behaviors happening at once (mainstream classes), I become overwhelmed. However, I do well with extreme behaviors as long as I have the support I need. I have been able to talk down my students from their outbursts effectively, and not take their behaviors personally (except for the ones from my daughter 😂). I look for the why, then try to help them find more socially acceptable behaviors to get the same result they want without judgement. Because of my honesty and trouble filtering myself, I tell students of my ADHD and what has helped me. I get students that have gained confidence and stopped hating their ADHD because I have been able to relate to them. I just wish that I had better supervisors to see my strengths instead of my weaknesses.
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