Crisis …I’m sorry

[Chrysalis3]

Hi it’s me,

Thank you for listening to me. I did something again that caused disruption in my home.

I’m going to try to write this while I’m crying uncontrollably. I want to scream …I know yall have a provided great advice and I hope you know that’s what helps me refocus and believe I can do.

Ahhhhh I’m in pain…I hate myself right now.

im listening.

I started writing but it’s too much to write.

I wish I could call someone. I wish this world wasn’t so corrupt and we could trust people and be able to hear each others voices and talk.

I’m a person going through change I think …I don’t even know. I’m starting therapy but I’ve had to reschedule twice because I had a conflict with a meeting at work and then my child is in an activity that I do with her and it changed for the exact day and time of the scheduled therapy session. But I’m not stopping.

This morning it took a while to get my child ready this one task we do in the morning literally took almost two hours. So at this point I went from having patience, to coaching myself that I am going to have control on myself ,emotions and the day to everything ending in me apologizing a million times for back to back things that I did to piss off my husband and Loose my patience with my daughter and clock in late for work get nothing done and get into a physical altercation with my husband not the first time.

Listen with all respect keep your woman power comments to yourself please and how someone has not right to hit the other person and pity to yourselves please. I don’t need any hotlines and online resources because that not going to help.

I have adhd and childhood trauma and the things I was taught growing up don’t sustain relationships that I need to fix and the journey is painful and grueling.

I did something wrong and I defended myself instead of being apologetic for what I did. At this point anyone would be at their wits end…if you poke at something that makes someone’s system twitch they will react because it’s something that psychologically disrupts them. I know at this point all I can do is apologize and keep apologizing.

Because even if I feel that if I just explained you would understand and you will see that I’m not trying to poke at you and that is something beyond just willful defiance and disrespect. All you can do for a wrong you continue to do that hurts someone is to just apologize. Don’t make excuses you just apologize . You did something wrong and you can’t explain hey my brain works like this I didnt mean that please it wasn’t that I was being lazy, defiant , disrespectful, selfish, narcissistic, arrogant, spoiled brat people will look at you and say I don’t care you’re hurting me so stop. So all you can do is apologize it doesn’t matter the reason or the explanation. You hurt someone and they get hurt, no explanation for it.

Now when someone has invested all this time and energy into you and they feel they have done it in all the best ways and you don’t show results then they feel it’s justified to react to you however because after all you just being spoiled and ungrateful and you want everyone to accept you and the pain you cause and not complain. Maybe there is some very little truth to that but really to see someone’s physical disabilities and expect them to do things on an unequal platform then who’s wrong for expecting them to fit within the norms? If my adhd were something you could see with your eyes on how disabling it is would you be more understanding. Even if set the Plainfield evenly for me now , I have spent how many years this way a it will take time and patience to fix. And you getting I to my head not just you doing it the way everyone does it. Yes there are standards to treat a patient but we are not all the same.

[JinxUrit]

I'm replying because I think you need someone to tell you you aren't spoiled or ungrateful or or narcissistic. How do I know? Because it's clear that whatever happened (That's the part in kinda confused about, exactly what happened that has you so upset) you FEEL horrible about yourself because of it. Unfortunately, that tends to be the norm for us. For years we've heard so much negativity because people thought our symptoms were something we were actually doing on purpose. But we weren't. Being told by someone else what you supposedly feel or are motivated by, when you know it's not true, messes with your head. I know you said you didn't want a "DV" lecture. So I'm just going to tell you I'm not clear about what went down between you and your spouse physically, but I know that I spent years blaming myself when my husband was abusive. He didn't start off hitting. It was a slow subtle campaign to chip away at me. The arguments often started with him telling me I was selfish and disrespectful. I knew I wasn't trying to be but because I cared so much I was always willing re examine my behavior and he would take that and run. I look back now and see it clearly but at the time I couldn't. I never physically lashed out (he did with out justification.) but I recall being so exhausted and he do something that would be that last straw on the camel's back and I'd hear myself screaming at him and it was like an out of body experience. After years of therapy I now know that was reactive abuse. If you were having a day that was pushing you to the edge and that's the time he chose to poke you, that's not all your fault. I don't know exactly what happened but I do know that beating yourself up won't help. I think setting ground rules like having a sort of of safe word, that you both can use to immediately stop an argument because you both are in danger of saying it doing something you don't want to, is a good start . I hope this works out for you. But clearly you aren't selfish or narcissistic because you really care.

[Chrysalis3 in reply to JinxUrit]

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I know my last post was all over the place and I have had time to somewhat calm down . I fill up with anger though when others can see me and hear me and understand but he doesn’t . I think it’s a way to help me change , a way to force the change but it’s killing me because all my life I’ve had this pain of not being able to speak because my Dad was not able to speak calming or be inviting to discuss things and my mother was always afraid or avoidant .

Now I’m here and at my age it’s my responsibility to handle my own issues and get it together. We are all human and sometimes working through these issues is not so black and white. There are ebbs and flows and complicated curves.

I’ve lost sight of what I wanted to say but for now. Thank you

[Positivelover]

Hi I hope you take this as this is intended as this is not a criticism. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling and the shame spiral. I do agree that when it comes to mental disorders that sometimes it can be frustrating when others can’t see what you’re experiencing because it likely isn’t physical. That said, I think there needs to be awareness and accountability on both ends. It’s not just your partner not acknowledging your disorder and how it impacts how your brain works, but you also taking accountability for your actions, even if not intentional because intent doesn’t not lesson impact (which you have pointed out already). The thing with accountability is, there can’t be a “but” or any excuses but that doesn’t mean you can’t express yourself or explain your reasoning. When I read your post, I see two perspectives. I can see it from the non adhd side where all I see I’d excuses and the apology doesn’t sound sincere because when I hear “all I can do is keep apologizing”, it sounds like you’re just putting a bandaid on the situation. Like you’re saying I’m not really sorry for my actions so just accept the apology because I can’t help it this is me so to appease you im saying sorry but I don’t meant it. I understand RSD, emotional regulation (or lack thereof rather), and feeling things very intensely, but it doesn’t excuse poor behavior or disrespect. There are tools out there (and medication if you’re open to it) to manage these symptoms. It’s not easy and it’ll never be perfect, but the same way you would expect a diabetic to manage their symptoms instead of allowing them to potentially lose limbs or lash out due to low blood sugar, is the same way others should hold you accountable for managing your symptoms and not having a victim mentality. That said, I also understand the adhd side, the trying and trying and feeling like you’re failing and that you’re never good enough. Feeling misunderstood and like a bad person. In the moment the feelings being so intense it hurts but afterward getting some clarity. Only you can understand these things and only you know how it truly feels. You’re not intentionally trying to hurt anyone and you feel guilty for your actions. It is not only your responsibility to manage your symptoms and seek therapy, but also to educate yourself and your partner on adhd and to find the best way to support each other and communicate and parent in healthy ways. Your partner has to be patient and be willing to learn and help support you. They have to be empathetic. They have to recognize that your brain works differently than theirs. But they do not have to be okay with yelling, cursing, or hitting. The ends do not justify the means. It is also not okay (because I don’t know the full context I am just assuming here) for them to lay hands on you, to scream or yell or curse, no matter how angry they get. You both need to learn healthy ways to communicate with each other and have a partnership and if that’s not possible, it may be time to consider couples therapy or revaluate the relationship. You need to set a positive example for your child on how a healthy relationship dynamic works. I hope this was helpful. Again not criticizing, just encouraging you to be introspective and also for you and your partner to better understand each other.

[Chrysalis3 in reply to Positivelover]

i was going to send you a private message because i don’t know… pretty embarrassed on how off the wall i am. but i need to bare my nasty out there and sit with this shame, guilt, discomfort that comes with this process of change.

your message came across exactly how you intended it to. it was honest and what i need to hear.

i’m actually happy about the mixture of information i have received and the love from everyone. no one is here saying get your ish together in a vulgar or demeaning way. it’s refreshing and teaching me also to be kind and patient but honest.

you are most definitely right that i need to look at myself and sit with the funk basically and analyze what im doing, how im doing it and the damage im causing. this is a huge process my husband has known me for over 10 years and he doesn’t shy away from telling me how long he’s known me and how much i’ve stayed the same stupid idiot. i’ve hurt him a lot and disappointed him beyond one person can bear.

i know or i think im going through and chnage process and its grueling because im fighting my own demons and reaping what i have sowed basically. im confused a lot because that line between truth and reality and fantasy many times seems blurred. i’m starting therapy next week.

i’m not going to stop posting because im going to take advantage of any and every help so i dont box myself in and i am able to look at things from many perspectives.

thank you for your message.

[Stavros_]

Hey, it seems a day has passed and I hope you feel better.

I don't want this to feel condescending or anything but I can't say I understood much of what happened only that you seemed very upset, but the ''get into a physical altercation with my husband not the first time'' line stuck with me through the hole reading. You seem to try to justify violence which I'm sorry but I don't think is valid in any circumstance. This doesn't seem like a good environment for a child to grow up in. I can't tell you what to do, I don't know all the details so I'm only going to say what I feel based on what you've written. I hope things will get better.