You get to choose ~ you are what you focus on

[BLC89]

😃

It’s a sunny day with some clouds in the sky. The birds are chirping and the traffic is jamming. I can smell of coffee wafting through the air as people go rushing by. I have a moment to breathe @ the red light.

😖

It’s a sunny day with some clouds in the sky. The birds are chirping and the traffic is jamming. I can smell of coffee wafting through the air as people go rushing by. I have a moment to breathe @ the red light.

You are what you focus on.

Many people don’t like the idea that they are “choosing” one view or the other. It angers them that I would suggest that their suffering and darkness is self-inflicted. I completely understand. No one wants to feel responsible for their own suffering.

It may be a lot of responsibility to control your emotions and reactions, but once you embrace it you feel stronger not weaker.

Once you decide that you, and only you, have control over your emotions and reactions you are all powerful. The other side of that idea is that no one but you controls your emotions and reactions. How great is that?

“Yeah but what about when someone is purposefully mean? They hurt my feelings on purpose!” That is how we like to talk about, someone is doing it on purpose and to you. “No one can hurt you without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt. You are the one in control. I offer you a test to see if others truly hold control over your internal workings.

If I offer you $10,000 to not lose your temper or allow anyone to “make” you feel a certain way for the next hour, can you do it? I’m guessing your response is “Of course! I can do that for an hour.” Ok, how about 2 hours? Is that do able? Yes? How about ½ a day?

That is all anyone can do, you can only control you right now. Don’t worry about later, or tomorrow or yesterday, just for today, stay in control of your reactions and don’t allow anyone to “make” you feel anything you don’t want to.

And when you have a reaction you don’t want, as we all do, that’s ok. Be kind to yourself, no beating yourself up for having a misstep. You are learning a new skill, that takes time.

It’s like riding a bike. Just because you can go in a straight line for a few feet doesn’t make you a pro rider who can handle anything, but you still know how to ride a bike. The more you practice the stronger you get. Once you conquer the straight aways you will learn how to handle turns. Then you will learn to go faster and each time you ride you are adding to your skill set.

Give yourself a chance to learn this new skill. Let the world be a beautiful place, find the smiles and joyful moments. They are there waiting to be discovered and you deserve to experience them.

[STEM_Dad]

There is an area of philosophy which claims that it's impossible to truly have free will. (I think it's just arguments by some brainy people about why they don't think they can change.)

Your post is a very strong argument that we all indeed have free will, and thus we have the capability to change, to grow, to improve ourselves and our outcomes.

Thank you for sharing this!

[Mamamichl]

I needed this today. I have a big meeting with HR tomorrow. Want to not be a pessimist.

[BLC89 in reply to Mamamichl]

Good luck to you! I hope it goes well

[ADHDuderino]

Hello BLC89, and thankyou for your post, it has been very thought provoking, and I would like to respond accordingly. Dr. Russel Barkley, prominent psychiatrist and reowned researcher in the field of ADHD, has this to say (and this is definatively my own experience)

"..the anterior cingulate does not appear to activate in people with ADHD brains.... leaving them prone to not regulating their limbic system....meaning they are going to be Emotionally Impulsive.."

This is paraphrased from his lecture,

youtu.be/VBR_3WKdXJI?featur...(Not working as expected?)

So although I 100% agree, we CAN "choose" our perspective, we can change how we view ourselves and our world, for some of us with an ADHD brain (myself most definately), we cannot "choose" how we feel/react (not respond)/ our Primary focus.

Our brain does not naturaly engage the essential neurology required to

"STOP, breath, inhibit, release the emotion, modulate it, respond with appropriate behaviour".

Our Limbic system dysregulates, our emotions "explode", viscerally across our internal and external perception. Then we have to spend our energies, trying desperately to "Herd the drunken Cat on LSD" that is our emotional wellbeing, back in line.

That "STOP" is something we have to reverse engineer, at every single emotionally triggering juncture, everytime, in the hope that our neuroplasticity can somehow take over the function that the anterior cingulate is not doing.

Zen, is not a natural state, nor an easily achievable "moment",for a brain that CAN inhibit. Its a "whole body/brain/conciousness" thing.

A brain that cannot inhibit the emotion, that just has the aftermath of its eruption to deal with..... its a work in progress eh.

🌈🦄🐒

[BLC89 in reply to ADHDuderino]

Hello ADHDuderino,

Thank you for this information. It is interesting that he mentions the anterior cingulate because I just saw a Dr. Huberman snippet about that brain area and now my curiosity is piqued. I have seen many of Dr. Barklay's presentation and will rewatch this one.

And yes, I agree we don't get to choose the emotions that flow, I don't think anyone can. It is the ability to deal with the emotions that come that differs from person to person. Because the ADHD prefrontal cortex is slower to develop ADHDers spend much, much more time than others in the state of emotions too big for the gatekeeper to regulate. Even as adults, when we are supposed to have it "figured out" (haha), we aren't as strong or as practiced at dealing with the emotions that come.

I like Dr. Barkley, he has done great research that informs a lot of what we know about ADHD. I have found that he has a stronger focus on the negative aspects of ADHD in his presentations. I think he wants people to understand this is a very big deal and can have very big consequences, which it is and it does. However, he didn't research how changes can happen as much as what has happened. I haven't read or seen all his presentations, this is just my experience with his material.

The idea of reverse engineering the "STOP" is exactly what I have practiced and teach my clients. It doesn't come naturally and does take practice. When you start to think about your thinking, even in retrospect, you can make significant changes.

There is also mounting evidence of the positive impact mindfulness and meditation can have especially for those with ADHD. Many with ADHD balk at the idea of calming the mind or sitting still and with good reason. If they were able to do those things many challenges would be removed. However, you can see benefits from as little as a 1 minute breathing exercise and you don't have to sit still to meditate.

Every time you bring your focus back to your chosen point - breath, steps, candle flame - it is like your focus muscles are lifting weights and getting stronger. So even if you spend the 1 minute breathing exercise bringing your attention back 60 times to your breath you are getting stronger. The hardest part I have found is the fact that this is not a quick fix and does take practice. But even periodic practice can have benefits.

Thanks again for this information I love being able to exchange ideas and discuss this topic.

BLC89