to the people who have regained confidence in themselves, how did you come about that? I'm not expecting a magical quick fix, but some advice would be lovely. Thank you.
This has happened many times over the last six months or so. Maybe longer, it's not like I'm keeping track. And it just happened again tonight. I've gotten so used to getting excited about something, doing research/getting supplies, making a half assed plan or overthinking it to the last minute detail, and maybe actually starting it. But then, usually within the first few weeks, if that, I fade out. It becomes harder and harder to do the thing I was so into a few weeks before. And then comes all the feelings surrounding that, which you could imagine or not too terribly positive. I'm tired of it. I'm trying my best to be more confident now that I have Medication on my side. I'm trying to be gentle with myself and remember that I have all the things I need to get started with it again in my toolbox when I'm ready. I just did it tonight. It's that familiar feeling that I don't ever want to feel again. I want to have a no contact break up with it. FTS 🤬😤😡
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starsallover
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I wouldn't say that I gained any confidence after getting my ADHD diagnosis. It would be more correct to say that I gained understanding, self-acceptance, and some sense of hope.
My ADHD still hampers my life in a lot of ways. It's not really any easier, except for how my meds help me. But I have hope that I can improve.
Even Jessica McCabe of the HowToADHD YouTube channel has said that when she starts to feel like she's making improvements in some way, her ADHD rises up again as of to say "nah, we're done with that!" (I'm paraphrasing. I can't remember whether she said that on her channel or in either of a couple of podcasts she was on recently.)
I’m not able to help but just wanted to say that I can relate to how you are feeling.
I have got to a point in life where I cannot get excited about anything anymore because I know that the enthusiasm and motivation will just disappear and it will be another thing that I have abandoned so it’s not worth even trying.
I was diagnosed 2 years ago at the age of 54yrs and I was so pleased to finally know what was ‘wrong’ with me.
I thought that medication would be like a magic pill that would change my life. It has helped in a subtle way but I still don’t trust myself to complete anything so therefore I don’t even try. I used to be really creative and would always be trying out new crafts and would love the challenge but I just don’t seem to be able to fire that up again.
I too am interested to hear how others have overcome this.
Yes we are great starters but easily run out of interest & are poor finishers. Been there done that a bunch of times!
All these projects / hobbies you think you have failed at - are they connected in some way? Related? Eg i need a creative outlet so occassionally I get interested in art : pen & ink or sketching outside or water color for eg. I don't do anything consistently. But occasionally I do something. Yes I've bought materials I prob didn't need but I'm not worried about it. However doing something art related occasionally satisfies that urge.
My main creative outlet is playing music. This is a satisfying hobby but even still I don't do it every day & have cycles of low interest/high interest. My secret to being consistent is to play with other people regularly. It reminds you everytime why you like to do this. Maybe you need to do these projects w/ a friend.
Just because you gave up now doesn't mean you have failed. At anytime you can choose to pick it up again & once you are engrossed in it then it will be enjoyable & you will want to do more of it. What's blocking you from picking it up? Only self imposed shame that you didn't complete a task or activity in a predetermined time. And was the predetermined time even realistic? You didn't even think about whether the project had to be completed by X date or could be enjoyed in smaller chunks over a longer period of time. You just got caught up in the excitement of being about to do a new thing.
Forget the shame - it's nonsense. Go look over what you have done to start the new thing. Remember how excited you were & spend some time on it. Enough time to get engaged. The more attention you give it the more your desire to do it will grow - if the actual doing of it is satisfying - & you'll find that out soon enough.
If this is like a home improvement project - a friend to help you & encourage you will help
Hello starsallover,I understand that cycle well, both personally and being married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and watching from the outside.
It sucks and I'm glad you are ready to be done with it. That's actually a good sign. You are aware enough of it and have defined it clearly. Now let's get it the f*** out if here.
As you said this will not be a quick fix but progress can be steady. The first idea to noodle on is what do all your projects have in common? Are they pieces of the same puzzle? Or are there groups of topics - these 5 projects are X focused, these 4 are Y focused, etc. There likely is an over arching idea that is really intriguing and each attempt is toward learning more about it. So perhaps you haven't quite nailed it but keep getting close.
Second thought, body doubling. Find someone who shares your intrigue for the topic and team up, doing stuff with like minded others keeps your momentum going. Or when you start to Peter out find a body double so you can keep going. They don't have to be into the same topic just hanging out while you both work.
Lastly, this is the toughest by far, embrace that you are a project starter. Let that be ok. There is likely a project finisher who envies your ability to start things as they are stuck, motionless, at the starting line. There is likely a partnership waiting out there for you.
If you can accept that things happen for a reason then there is a reason you needed the information or expertise you gained. It may not be clear right now but it will emerge in the future.
As best you can be kind to yourself, you are still figuring out what your ADHD looks like and how best to work with it. It's like a knife and you are figuring out of it is for whittling, carving or cooking. All the same type of tool very different places it fits.
You are clever and will figure this out. You were clever enough to get input from others - not easy - take what we all have to say, sift thru and take the useful parts.
Keep us posted on how things unfold, I have a sense your are closer than you know to something pretty special.
BLC89
Full disclosure: I am an ADHD Parent Coach. I have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and raised two kids who have ADHD.
It might be worth investigating where your negative feelings around not sticking with a project come from. Do you see it as a personal failure? Why? Is it your voice or someone else's?
I used to struggle with shame and guilt around my pattern of dropping projects and hobbies shortly after spending enormous amounts of energy planning and preparing them.
A couple ideas wormed their way into my head and fueled my shame.
First: other people seemed to so easily find their one true passion, and because I couldn't, I must not have passion. Because in my head, "passion" was a divinely-granted drive that blessed people with clarity of purpose and endless energy to pursue their passion. This was very much coupled with the idea that artists need to suffer for their work.
Second: if I can't master (for the sake of recognition) and/or monetize a project or hobby, it's not worth doing.
I had to learn to do things for the love of the thing itself rather than an end. I have a core set of hobbies that I rotate through now, and have for years. I've accepted that I will pick something up for hours a day, for weeks or months at a time, then suddenly lose interest and switch to another thing. But I am comforted knowing that I always go back. And I never would have found these core hobbies had I not kept experimenting with things.
So to answer your question, "why bother?": trying new things is always going to bring you closer to finding what you're looking for. The knowledge you gain from planning projects that don't stick will help you get there.
Man... I hear you. I think every adult on this forum gets that. I've been learning (without Rx) how to manage my adult ADHD (51 yrs old, diagnosed 13 months ago) one bit at a time, learning to, as I call it, "gently lean into the effort without caring about the result". That, strangely enough tends to make these new habits, whether behavioral, reading, meditating, changing diet, supplementing, etc. a bit stickier in the long term and I've been slowly adding things into my life that make for greater self-compassion and lead to greater agency and self-discipline. The ultimate goal is Self Mastery, and I don't even exactly know that that means right now, but learning to be an 'imperfectionist' and moving forward a bit more every day (yes, you'll still have setbacks that feel horribly; they're not. It takes a while to get there), regardless of how you feel.
This is a very tricky business, this adult ADHD. That said, learning self-compassion is the key, and it's hard. At first I basically felt like I needed to just not care about anything. After getting over the fact that things didn't change that much and I got done self-flagelating over how 'irresponsible' I was being, I came to understand that all I was really doing was learning to comparmentalize my feelings about any number of things. I didn't stop paying my bills, going to the grocery store, looking for work, etc. Literally NOTHING changed; just my outlook. I even got angry at God, which is the final frontier for me. Well, here we are, I'm re-entering my Faith life again with a different perspective, and I've essentially gotten over a massive emotional speedbump I needed to go over. I still have to manage my emotions very actively and I am very disciplines, especially about diet, supplements and sleep, and it gets a tiny bit more manageable every day, though I would never call it easy.
We're all in this together. Don't lose heart. It is tough, but even if it takes months and months or a couple of years, you learn to start looking back at all the progress you've made since last month or two or six and that sense of perspective forms the building blocks to success that keep us moving forward toward an increasingly brighter tomorrow.
Agree with all the amazing posts here, especially perfectionism. The podcast gets into some of those tendencies and offers some helpful info. Putting them into practice is a day at a time.
So glad to have found this discussion. Ty for posting.
I was recently diagnosed at 59. Lately, I take a methylphenidate when i get up and after about an hour of tidying and tinkering and having breakfast, I can sit at my desk for a few hours to work.
Learning about ADHD so late in my life has been strange. I always knew there was something different about me. I have always picked up things and not finished them. I am an illustrator so almost all of my projects are based around art. Most paintings are never finished unless it is for a client and even then sometimes never.
Before I knew about the ADHD, I created some strategies on my own and the most effective has been involving other people in my projects somehow. I run weekly drawing groups and that gets me to draw. I take classes - that also helps me to keep drawing and painting. My biggest challenges are the big unfinished paintings at home. Still haven't managed to work on them! I know it needs to involve people somehow.
Lately, in terms of work, I try to return to a project for a few hours a day. I take the meds and then tell myself 'I will just focus on this for a little while.' When the meds wear out, I take a break. Sometimes, if I take the meds again, I can go back to it after a break of a few hours. I have finished 2 design projects these past few weeks which feels amazing.
i often panic mid project and think "I won't finish this and this will be just another failed thing." I try to calm myself down, email the client that this is taking a little longer than expected. Now that i know this is the ADHD, I know now it is about strategies and not about my personal failures.
I know if I feel tired and don't feel like doing things - whether it's work or paying bills or calling someone or painting (I feel that tiredness in my head - like a headache). Now, I know, this is ADHD and I have to find a way to work through it. Writing down lists of these things also helps and trying to tackle one or 2 of these every day helps me to at least work through some of them!
I think that self soothing through the panic is really important. If I find a way to keep a client updated regularly, it helps me to calm down. I'll call a friend if I'm really in a panic just to talk about the weather or turn on music or put the tv on in the background. I almost always have a podcast on while I work. An artist friend of mine said to me incredulously the other day: "I sometimes get bored while I paint even though i love it." I wanted to say to him - that's what it is to have ADHD, but I knew he wouldn't understand. He has tons of finished paintings.
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