I was recently told by someone that they were sure I was not neurotypical, I definitely had some form of ADHD. I thought this was ridiculous at first, I insisted everything I did, the way I acted and thought was perfectly normal, even if I was slightly over emotional at times. But he kept insisting and persisting with this idea and in the end I looked into it. I matched nearly every single symptom. I think he expected it would be like a revelation. He thought of it as an absolute superpower, because that's how he felt about his ADHD. However, it wasn't like that for me at all. To be honest, it is more like, from that tiny seed, has grown an absolutely huge bomb which then went off in my head. It has shaken my whole being. Everything I thought about myself, for my entire 34 years of life, was wrong and actually most likely because of something else, not due to things I had already attached them to. And yes, at first, I did feel a little freer. But then things very quickly got harder for me. It was like my mind went 'oh well now we know the reason for all of this, we don't need to mask anything at all'. So it all went wrong. I couldn't stay in my long constructed routine, work concentration just flew straight out the window, I started not doing any tasks that felt too hard, then it all snowballed, got worse, most tasks now seem impossible, I can't concentrate on anything much, my mood swings and emotions are all over the place, I keep forgetting everything much worse than before, even to set the million reminders I used to, in an effort not to forget. I feel so low, so useless, like the worst person and mother in the world, my self esteem hasnt been this bad for a long time. I have been referred for ADHD assessment but that takes years, GP has referred me for counselling but the waiting list is also very long, I am a single mum of two very young children and no extra money for private assessment or help etc. This has now cost me a relationship (the guy that kept saying about it didn't like my reaction when this bomb exploded so he dumped me), my work is really suffering and I am just not doing anything but sitting at my laptop crying, my kids are so kind but don't understand the mood swings, I get so little sleep because my head just doesn't shut up, I am close to drugging myself in an attempt to shut it up and I just want to go back to how it was. I did occasionally suffer from bouts of depression and anxiety before but I coped and now those mechanisms are no longer working. I feel so very alone. Has anyone been unmasked like this, very suddenly, before? What did you do to help? Does anyone have any advice for me at all? Sorry, I know I am moaning a lot but I just need anything that might help that doesn't cost me money I don't have.
Struggling with potential ADHD realis... - CHADD's Adult ADH...
Struggling with potential ADHD realisation
Welcome to the forum unmasked34 .
You're not alone.
.....
I was diagnosed at 45, after realizing more and more over several years how many traits I shared with coworkers who were diagnosed with ADHD.
I had been masking all my life until then, because I had always assumed that I was neurotypical, always trying to "fit in", but never quite doing so.
Still, even though I suspected that I had ADHD (because of my many struggles with memory, attention, time management, and organization), I didn't get assessed until I had severe anxiety for a few years.
~~~~~
Things that you can do at no cost to try to help yourself:
• Practice self-acceptance and self-compassion.
• Journaling (to help get the busy thoughts out of your head, and to process your emotions).
• Talking with friends and family, people who accept you just for being you... positive social engagement can help to improve emotional self-regulation.
• Make some time to have fun or meaningful family time with your kids. (If you celebrate any of the upcoming holidays, then they can be a great way to build some memories with your kids.)
• Learn and practice meditation and/or mindfulness techniques.
• Eat a healthy diet.
• Exercise (even just walking regularly is beneficial).
• Spend some time in nature.
• Do something creative that you enjoy.
• Get adequate rest. (Even if you're not sleeping 8 hours per night, your body and mind also benefit from just rest...as long as you're not dwelling on negative thoughts and worries the whole time that you're in bed.)
.....
Something that I've had to do to help with automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) that kept popping into my head is to answer them with affirming positive truths (APTs).
(I thought that I just came up with the term "affirming positive truth", but a quick Google search showed me that I'm not the first person to use that phrase...oh well, I'm still glad I thought of it.)
• Think about something true about you or your life that is positive which counters the ANT. When the ANT pops in your head, you tell yourself, "well that's not true, because..." then state your APT that squashes that ANT.
{A few weeks ago, I decided to give this a try, and it helped me. I hope it can help you, or can help inspire you to think of something that can help you with those pesky little "ants".}
Hi, thank you for such a detailed and helpful response and for reassuring me that I am not the only person that has been through this.
I actually have started a journal today and I am using it to get the thoughts out and write out a plan for trying to find ways to manage, listing all of the suggestions on here, so thank you.
I may have to work up to some of them but I have realised that maybe baby steps are best, even if I want it all fixed now, these things can't be immediate. I hope that one day I can try the ANT and APT process. Thanks again x
I completely agree with STEM_Dad on all of the above, so 100% ditto on his post.
In addition, listen to these podcasts to start:
open.spotify.com/episode/0n...
open.spotify.com/episode/3T...
I highly recommend you start with your sleep hygiene. Without your sleep, all else suffers and gets harder. Huberman is THE MAN. He literally taught me how to sleep this past year.
That said, Arthur Brooks has a phenomenal documentary film called The Pursuit that deals more with how Capitalism has brought over 2B people out of poverty in the last 20-30 years globally. I bring this up because it is something different that you can watch that will take you out of your day-to-day, and is incredibly positive. You need as much positive as you can get right now (we all do!), and Brooks is in that interview with Peter Attia where he discussed a lot of things that have a major bearing on how to manage our ADHD, although the condition is not the main thrust of the episode, nor is it even mentioned, I don't think.
Everyone gets sad, depressed, anxious, reacts overly emotionally, gets offended/hurt, etc., from time to time, but now that I know I have ADHD, I understand why it has ALWAYS felt like I was ALWAYS overly sensitive and emotional, despite being a 50 year old CFO. With the proper behavioral tools first, regardless of whether you are on medication or not, you are bound to improve. Quite frankly, without them, medication will not help that much, even if they get that right, which is always a coin toss, unfortunately. Don't sweat the timing of the GP, shrink, getting meds, etc. Work your 'program' building routines that work for you and stick to them, always trying new things, varying it a little to dial it in through trial and error. That is what is required and that is the discipline, but you learn to accept it and even enjoy it.
Welcome to the new you. Smile. Big. Learn to love you and to take care of you first, without any guilt or shame, or impostor syndrome or any of that. Sleep well, be well, and start reading, researching and trying different protocols. Before you know it, a few months will have passed and you will feel a discernible difference in your behaviour patterns, mood, productivity, mental acuity and energy, etc.
Yes, you'll still have ups and downs, but they will be more manageable and you will feel more 'normal'. I say this because I've been at it for a year now, and your description in your paragraph described exactly what a number of difficulties have been like for me. It's eerie, but it's so close, I just had to write you this after piggybacking on the other post and let you know that it does get better.
You are considerably stronger than you know. Just let yourself find out, one day at a time.
Thank you so much for your kind words of support, it definitely helps to know that my experience is not unique and you are coming through it x
You have taken the right steps. The first step is taking the ADHD assessment from a psychiatrist. Try to look around and see if the wait list is less for other clinics, you may have to do your own research rather than just relying on the GP. You can call some practices and then suggest then to your GP. Same goes for counselling, do your research beforehand and then suggest it to your GP and put in some urgency to this.
On the side you can try other things such as taking the right supplements, the following are proven to help anyone with ADHD: zinc, magnesium, calcium, vitamin C.
Also reading the right books to build some understanding around this and being more compassionate. Scattered Minds by Dr Gabor Mate and ADHD 2.0 by Edward Hallowell are very good resources for a start
Thanks for replying. I tried to talk to my GP again but they weren't very supportive, just told me to wait. I have completed the request for a referral again under the scheme for choosing your doctor, so I can ask to be sent to a private adhd assessor via the NHS as their waiting lists are shorter, but whether this works or not I just need to wait and see.
I will also try the supplements and reading suggestions, thank you so much x
Firstly remember you are not a different person to the one the day before the penny dropped! Everything you could do then, you can do now. Having said that, It was like a grieving process for me. Which I think I’m still going through.
I went over in my mind all the academic achievements I’d fallen short on, relationships that had failed and jobs I’d left or not progressed in at the rate I felt I could or should have. I cried a lot, got frustrated, depressed, felt useless and a burden on my family.
The waiting time in the Uk is incredibly frustrating and the quantity of forms are cruelly ironic.
I’d lost a part of me that I thought I knew very well and was comfortable with. All that time when I was effectively masking, I’d been hiding a part of me that I was embarrassed about. I have come to not only accept who I am, but know and love myself and I’ve been able to be open about the things that challenge me and work around things instead of avoiding or winging it. I have learned so much about what I need to be doing to make me the best version of myself. I’ve found out what helps me nutritionally, administratively and emotionally.
It’s a journey. I only figured out I have ADHD when I was filling out forms for my son’s diagnosis 2 years ago!
It sounds like (I’m not a doctor) the diagnosis has put you into a depressed state and at the moment you probably need to focus on dealing with that and trying to get back into a better frame of mind.
You will get through this. You will be ok.
Thank you for responding. That is how it feels, like grief. So many things happened that I had attributed to other reasons, that I know know was likely to be due to the adhd, it is like it undermined the work I had already done to get past them and I was once again blaming myself, mostly for being 'broken'. I have re-evaluated my whole life.
I am glad to hear that you have experienced similar feelings and come through the other side. I will keep trying to find things that help, there have been lots of good suggestions.
And you are right, the amount of forms and questionnaires I have completed just to be referred is crazy and took ages, because of course, I overthought every damn question! Thanks x
What you're experiencing is similar to what most people diagnosed with ADHD in adulthood go through.Grieving is a very common response (it's just the level of grieving which varies). Looking back on your pre-diagnosis life with a new perspective is also very common.
...On the subject of Grief:
If you know anything about the grieving process, it includes multiple stages.
• The most well known model of grief lists these as: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Based on my own experience with grief and what I've learned about it, I know that it is possible to experience each stage in varying orders, and it is also revisit each stage multiple times (even after being in the Acceptance stage for a long time).
It takes time to process all this, and getting help from a good therapist can help.
(I think that because was so ready to accept an ADHD diagnosis by the time I got one, and I've had very positive work relationships with people who have ADHD, I got through to Acceptance of my diagnosis very quickly and easily. Honestly, I felt a great sense of relief, thinking to myself, "My whole life finally makes sense!")
My daughter was diagnosed last year. She was 49 and actually it didn't come as a surprise to her. But it did to me. How could I have missed all the masking when she was younger? Now focus on yourself and initiate self care. Lots of excellent advice above. You are the same person and you will ride this. I know how totally frustrating the situation in UK is. See your GP again and just say how difficult it is for you. Can you speed up the diagnosis with help from the GP. My daughter didn't have a sympathetic. She was told she would have known about it at school! Total rubbish. In the late 70's and early 80's it wasn't really something that was flagged up. Take care of you x
Thank you for responding. And if it helps, there is no chance my parents would have noticed anything either. When I told my dad he said 'Oh well we just thought, well that's just who you are as a person' they didn't know I was struggling. I have tried talking to my GP but they were very abrupt, said I just had to wait if I didn't want anti depressants, which I want to avoid as they space me out really and I am no good to my kids like that. Which is why I am trying to find help on my own until the referrals come through in a year or so's time. Thank you for your kind words x
My daughter has found the medication really helpful, which is good to know. I don't think GP's appreciate how difficult it is waiting. Don't know if you are in the UK but for the last 4 months the medication just isn't available. She has had to change to a different one. They keep changing the goal posts for when the original is available. Now it's in the New Year but that's not definite. I take anti anxiety tabs and they help. Citalopram, it's not an anti depressant as such, but does help anxiety.
Thank you everyone, your words have been very kind, I have been crying with relief at finding some suggestions and help, I will keep the post updated x
Never 'suffer'. When you think, say and commit to 'suffering' you will suffer. You won't truly know what suffering is until your whole body starts suffering because you have drowned yourself in 'suffering' for a long time. Flip 'suffering' to 'living with, coping with, dealing with, fighting against and winning against'. When we 'suffer' we suffer, when we live with, we live with, when we deal with and cope with with handle the situation. Understand?
Once, I thought I was at rock bottom, and honestly in my head, was. Nothing got better, everything got worse and worse. I attempted suicide because of it, but after poisoning myself, and waking up in hospital, I realised I wasnt at rock bottom. Infact, I was only about 30% there. After that though, and with the illness that ensued, everything changed. Before the poisoning, I thought I was ill, but afterwards, I wish i'd never, because i'm still ill now. Everyday I fight to stay alive, would have been better off dead, but, it made me realise I wasnt 'suffering'. I wasn't suffering and wanted to die, I am ill now, and want to live. We live with it, deal with it and cope. No such thing as suffering when you don't truly know what brain damage is. You're not brain damaged, but your thoughts will break you down unless you flip it
definitely not alone! hang in there and find those free or low cost resources. Our state college offers free or low cost counseling. There are programs out there. Don't let money be the cause of not seeking out help. One of the biggest things with ADHD is that recognizing emotion can be hard, also feeling emotions deeply. take a breath and realize you are on a journey to self-discovery. So what do you want to discover first? What is in your pack to help you on your journey? what do you need and how can you get those resources. You got this.
I suggest you do mindfulness, guided meditation, and breathing techniques. It will slow down your body-mind connection, and you will start making more conscious decisions in a day. The most crucial thing is that a person needs to organize daily goals, and I advise my client to use a notebook or an electronic device to make a daily routine.
Unmasked, I’m sorry you’re struggling. I’m very new to my own ADHD diagnosis, and I came to it on my own terms, where it sounds like you did not. What you’re experiencing does make sense to me. In the past a lot of my coping strategies for my unrecognized ADHD were shame and anxiety driven. The fear of feeling less than is a really powerful motivator, as is the adrenaline shot of working to a rapidly approaching deadline. But once I accepted that my challenges weren’t because I was lazy or a failure, those unhealthy strategies stopped working nearly as well! That has been discouraging because it sometimes feels like knowing it’s ADHD is making me “worse.” I wonder if that is a part of what you are dealing with now?
Also, it sounds like your ex has been really unkind to you. He may have thought he was helping, but for him to force you to a conclusion about yourself you weren’t ready for, then walk out because he couldn’t handle the fallout, was cruel. I’m sorry that happened to you. I hope you have space and support to heal and grieve the loss of the relationship.
Thank you for your support and your kind words. Every response to this post has me in tears but they are of relief that others out there do understand and are willing to help. I hope your journey continues on your own terms and in a positive way x
Am I looking in a mirror unmasked34? This is *EXACTLY* what I've been going through. this is a neurodivergent "I've been there too". (I did come up with some good advice below...) I don't see what you said as "moaning" at all. You're bravely sharing your story and asking for support. That's awesome in my eyes! And I'm awesome, this is one of the most coherent and detailed thing I've written in a bit.
So Ive been (and still am) just as desperate for a break from myself as ever. I don't drink alcohol or do drugs but damn, I think about it sometimes! For years I've joked about "stroke-induced ADD" (stroke survivor, 2005). I started wondering more about neurodivergence this last year, and I started learning more about ADHD and HSP. My hand cramped up after checking so many boxes. I was diagnosed with combined ADHD late October (I'm 44) and my GP and I discussed meds at an appt. I made a post recently to this forum when I was in a low place and I was well supported, there's a good bunch here.
I get so frustrated with my chatterbox mind that I sometimes scream and cry, yelling through clenched teeth, "SHUT UP BRAIN". Did that yesterday evening in fact.
I have the same trouble sleeping and chatterbox mind. I've nicknamed her Sweet Sydney Scatterbrain. I know that term can be very offensive to some and I apologise. I'm only using it for myself, kind of reclaiming it. I was often called scatterbrain as a kid (and adult too!), so I'm externalizing it and comforting my inner child. Yesterday after I yelled at my brain, I was able to collect myself and comfort. I wrote a poem about my struggle to calm my mind and frustration with ADHD a few months ago. Need to find and edit it.
Ahhh! Some advice came to mind! I agree with the suggestion of journaling! I put off doing this for a while because I wanted it to be perfect. Like we do! But this is what made it easier for me: I start with what I call awareness writing. I just start writing about things I can see, hear, and smell, sometimes touch and taste. Sometimes that's all I write, sometimes it goes into a poem, my feelings, a letter to a person or thing I need to express something to, sometimes recent events in my life, etc. Sometimes a WOOP (woopmylife.org/) to figure out something I want to do.... One of my favorite journal entries went like this "I am writing in my journal. I had an intention to do it, I knew it would be good for me, but I was scared. Now I've conqured my fear by writing this. This is writing in my journal. Starting is the hardest part, and I did it! I conquered my fear and I'm proud of myself!" And that was it. I told myself I was done. So effective. I did something like that several times over the next few weeks and I started to associate journaling with being proud of myself, good feelings. But I get it if that's hard. It's hard to start anything new and especially hard to keep it up. Something else I try to remember to do when I get in a funk is "what went well and why". (northdixiedesigns.com/2014/..., m.youtube.com/watch?v=gwJ_3.... I haven't done this in a while, so I'm glad I remembered it! Think of something simple that went well, even if it's something that happens all the time. Then think about what led up to that. Extra awesome if you can think of how you played a part in it! Seriously, it can be as simple as "I didnt fall on my face when I stood up, because I have a good sense of balance." Try to feel grateful for both things. That completes the task, and is perfectly good. of course that assumes that you stand on a regular basis, and if that doesn't apply to you, I apologise for assuming. This could be done with many tasks you complete throuout the day. Looking for the good is powerful and can really polish your headspace. Me: I wrote a helpful reply to a post on a forum because I took the time to slow down, read through it, think about how my experience relates to theirs, and craft a response. I'm proud of myself! I care about the people on this forum and want to be a more active part of it. That could lead to a WOOP. And I'm done with that. I've accomplished something good. those "little steps" are really big steps to someone who's struggling. Give yourself credit freind 😘
Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a detailed and helpful response. You are right, there are lots of lovely and helpful people on here. I have started journalling, or rather, I picked up a mental health journal that I started previously for the first time in years and once I started writing found it very difficult to stop! I will look at the links you have shared, I am just trying to find a way that works for me, so trying lots of things x
"Mind not shutting off at night" "Difficulty falling asleep" is also a sign of a genetic mutation. My best friend has this, and also my husband (who is also ADD). They both discovered they had the mutation by getting their DNA tested at 23andMe.
The genetic mutation is
COMT V158M, rs4680. The worrier gene.
"With a COMT + status, it has been clinically observed by physicians that people may have trouble with methyl donors. This can lead to irritability, hyperactivity, or abnormal behavior. They may also be more sensitive to pain. "
Often Hydroxy B-12. Hydroxycobalamin helps this condition.
I have ADHD but do not have this gene and have no trouble falling asleep.
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