Anger and agression

[Bajan1]

Hello, I am doing alot of research on my boyfriends ADHD, but I cant seem to find much about more specific anger issue. Somethting very small can trigger the rage, and hes raging to level of wanting to end the relationship, bury everything, scream and shout extremely hurtful and disrepectful things and insults, Im aware that can happen without treatment or managment, but this is next level I feel, and thing is these rage/anger/agressivity sessions can sometimes last days, even a week of very abusive and vile behaviors. Hes completely different person in this flipped mode, and I was just curious if anyone have any tips or suggestions on how to make the person acknowledge that this is happening and its not ok? Because once he calms down, he dont seem to rememeber it that bad.

[STEM_Dad]

To be honest, if I had a friend who is in a relationship like this, I would encourage them to leave the relationship. Even if your boyfriend is better most of the time, the uncertainty of what will trigger this behavior, and the hostility that you describe, can't be healthy for you.

If he will actually get the help he needs (which might require medication, counseling, and probably a lot of work on himself), then maybe he will be ready for a relationship in the future.

But he has to recognize his need for help on his own. He will not change because you want him to, and trying to prove his rage episodes to him might trigger one.

I'm concerned for your welfare. Rage can turn into physical abuse, but verbal and emotional abuse is also very harmful.

I have an aunt who survived three back to back abusive relationships over probably a 20 year span, and it took years of therapy for her emotional and psychological scars to heal. (Fortunately, she did heal, and later married a wonderful man who treated her very well.)

[Bajan1 in reply to STEM_Dad]

Its definetly unhealthy, he triggers my anxiety panic attacks, im already having physical symptoms tha are persitent. I am aware I should leave the relationship, but Im having hard time giving up on him, all this rage is coming from hurting, and I just want him to recognize this is not normal, even if we part ways, I want him to get well for himself, not me, he did at one point said he will seek help, but since then nothing happend and hes getting worse and worse. I dont know what to do anymore, because im always blamed for triggering this behavior during the rage- sometimes even after, and sometimes he apologizies sincerely. But I guess thats it, if he dont want help- noone can do it for him. Thanks for your reply,

[Mamamichl in reply to Bajan1]

His actions not to change, especially after a verbal apology is showing he is not sincere. The best apology is CHANGED BEHAVIOR. If he can’t change it on his own, then he needs to seek help. It took me leaving my ex to get him to realize he needed to change.

[Mamamichl in reply to STEM_Dad]

My ex was verbal for 10 years before it became physical once. That’s when I left. That and realizing he didn’t see he needed to better himself.

[LuisBarcelona]

I think that this aggressiveness is not inherently linked to ADHD. While it can be frustrating to navigate information processing with our neurodivergent traits, not everyone with ADHD act in aggressive behavior. It's important to recognize that your boyfriend may require help with anger management. I offer you my wholehearted love and support as you work on establishing healthy boundaries. I understand that this situation may be challenging, given your love for him, but it's also essential to consider what's best for your well-being. Hugs

[Gettingittogether]

Your job is not to care about the reason someone rages cruelly at you. Save that for them to figure out.

Your job is to get the heck out of the relationship when that happens. Look abusers of all kind, including violent abusers, have their reasons, have their conditions. Many of these folks suffered cruel violence as children. So what?! You want to stay out of intimate relationship with these people until THEY solve their problems.

Now if you have a brother who rages and you want to encourage him to get help, fine. But you don't get sucked in to trying to rescue a love partner.

Helping like you are doing does NOT work--NEVER!---in romantic relationships.

[Funnypapers]

I was just watching Crappy Childhood Fairy on youtube, a sympathetic advocate. I would say ask different questions of yourself. I have ADHD and wouldnt rage like this, my ADHD ex did, I wish I'd focused on how to get out. Glad you came here I hope you can gear what people said.

[Blimeyohriley]

in my first long term relationships during my 20’s (now in my 60’s) I had terrible rage issues. My partner eventually ended the relationship although still loved me very much. It nearly broke us both. Years later I discovered I had complex ptsd from a very abusive and neglected childhood. Later I was also diagnosed with ADHD. The complex ptsd was the main contributor to my rage. The ADHD caused significant irritation (now controlled by meds) but not my uncontrollable rage. Therapy via a very experienced trauma and EMDR therapist eventually resolved my rage. She was the one who also first suspected I also had ADHD.

I look back now and feel so sorry and sad for us both during those turbulent years. My partner did the right thing getting out and said ‘come find me if you ever get better’. I didn’t know what she meant - I thought it was all her fault and if she were different I wouldn’t lose my temper. We’re now both very happy and settled in long term relationships (we don’t have contact). I carried my rage all those years and struggled in any relationship but for reasons I now understand that first one was most triggering for me. Don’t know if this helps or is relevant but your post took me back. Good luck and take care of yourself.

[Mamamichl]

My ex used to be like that on the road and with me in general. His face would even get red/purple. I had to leave him to have him realize it wasn’t ok. My current partner and I would have a bit of this too (we are also both adhd), it it took a lot of maturity and realization what it was doing to our kids for us to create the right boundaries and make us stop. He would have to want to stop and then take breaks instead, seek counseling and take meds if possible.

It’s basically due to the impulsiveness and the rejection sensitivity dysphoria. We also tend to build up little things mentally and it takes forever to let something go, so comes out explosively at times.

[MadamGeneva]

I agree with many of the others posting - there is a line that is crossed when your emotions are surfacing as aggression towards other people and the most important thing is to make sure that you are safe.

If you haven’t reached out to anyone, there are so many charities and organisations that can offer support and advice.

Protect yourself first and foremost!

In terms of your questions and the relation to ADHD.

Lots of people lack self awareness of their more uncomfortable traits, and this can be especially so for a person with ADHD.

Recognising difficult traits and issues relating to your emotional regulation is hard for any person to come to terms with.

Being someone with ADHD you get told you are many things, you are ‘lazy’, ‘rude’, ‘unreliable’. And very often you are severely misunderstood.

You’re not ‘lazy’ - your nervous system is fighting against you.

You’re not ‘rude’, you struggle with object permanence.

You’re not ‘unreliable’, you process & recall information differently.

It’s been traumatising to be so badly treated and labelled for things outside of your control.

So of course you develop defence mechanisms - you may have such a strong reaction to criticism and feedback that you outright reject it.

It’s taken me 38 years to come to a space where I can take feedback on board, but I always have to navigate the strong emotions that come with it.

I also think it’s worth noting - in many societies, if you are male, you have been taught from a young age that the only socially acceptable way to release your emotions, is through anger and violence.

People with ADHD are not violent and angry!

Healthy expression of emotions is not easy, but you can get help! There are so many healthy ways to regulate yourself and learn more about how your brain works.

It takes time and training, in the same way that you would a see a personal trainer, or doctor to help with your physical health, it’s so important to do the same for your mental health.

I do not know the nuances of your circumstances, so would advise seeking professional support as soon as you can!

Good luck and please stay safe

[Slmndrs]

The best way you can help him is to not let him hurt you. By leaving. Leaving isn’t giving up on him, it’s giving you both a chance to be happy. Leaving is giving up on the relationship, which is hurting both of you.

[Phianoposis33]

I can so relate because my son (23) is the one with ADHD and had rages. So many holes in the walls. Broken front door, TV, his iPAD among other things growing up. We found out it was from the very high dose of adderal he was on -65mg XR (or any stimulant for that matter)- He kept telling his doctor it wasn't working and instead of trying a new med, his doc just kept raising the dosage. Then the anxiety set in so he added hydroxyzine and gaufacine, then abilify. My son, after years on this med cocktail mix had a manic episode at 21 and we ended up commiting him to the psych ward in our local hospital- while in the ER for 20 hours he got tired of waiting and got the bed frame to ram it in the door to get out. Security and cops came, took him down and he fought with them and ended up with 2 felonies. Never should of happened. Will be expunged in a year. :(. While on the psych floor they immediately took him off all the meds except abilify- he had to be weaned off that med slowly and added depakote. I can tell you 14 months later he has not had another rage incident.

As a mother I couldn't just leave. So I researched. It's up to you if you decide to stay. Emotional abuse is hard also. If he ever layed a hand on you then it would be time to get out.

I found if he was in a mood, and you can usually tell although it's like a lightswitch when they go off- I walk away. There is NO conversation at this time. Whatever you have to say can wait. I found any talking just fueled the fire. When my son was calm we sat down, and I told him, if ever you didn't want to get into a rage while I had to bring something up, you just tell me "I need time" And I let him have his time. Usually he'd go to his bedroom and I let him calm down. It didn't always work because there were just some things that set him off at school or work and he'd hold it in there and once home let it all out. But don't engage. have a plan and tell him your plan. "If you start raging I will leave and come back later" and leave- whether another room or get in your car and take a drive. It's better for your mental health also.

Therapy..either what was suggested with the EMDR or we found a therapist who did dialetical behavioral therapy. DBT-He see's her once a month. We went through about 7 and I always told him. If you don't like them after 3 tries, we find another. He's been with this therapist for 3 years now.

Medication. It can be trail and error or you can go to genesight.com and do a DNA test to see what is right for his body. Just know some medications can cause anger. I never read the prescription insert as I trusted his psychiatrist. Pfft- I'll NEVER do that again.

Lastly look into IED- Intermittant explosive disorder. There is such a diagnoses in the DSM- it is a legit diagnoses.

Good luck!

[Bbtwinsies2]

There is something called intermittent explosive disorder. There isn’t much research on it as far as books go but it involves remorse after where as oppositional defiance disorder can show the same symptoms without remorse

[Little-Face]

Bajan, I believe you, and sympathize. The words written below caused my eyes to pause in their tracks - even my heart dropped. Does this man drink alcohol, what type of work does he do? In case of an emergency, and you need to GTFO, like on the spot, do you have safety nets like friends or family to help catch you in a time of drastic need? I hope you do. There's so much to ask, but not enough time. Few more questions; do you have a car, a safe space in the house that he respects if you go into it?

Words can have strong emotional feelings behind them. The words you chose paint a picture of misery, controlled fear of your own voice, knowing that one wrong word could tear a peaceful moment apart. I can't help but feel compassion for you, and hope one day very soon the cyclical pattern below ends.

"these rage/ anger / aggressively sessions can sometimes last days, even a week of very abusive and vile behaviors".

The severity of mental abuse this man's capable of projecting onto you is unwarranted and sounds horrifying.

Do you have anything else you feel comfortable sharing, I think the community could help you better if more context was available.☺️

For instance, it's strange he can't remember his actions. Does he have more than one mental disorder diagnoses?

For context: I'm a 43yr old male. Do not drink alcohol (12-yrs remission) No longer abuse pain pills [10-yrs remission] with the following diagnoses.

[inattentive] ADHD

Bipolar-1

[severe]PTSD

SAD, GAD w / [agoraphobia.]

Moderate neurocognitive disorder [multiple head traumas]

Moderate neurocognitve disorder [due to severe substance abuse of alcohol]

Moderate neuocognitive disorder [ due to severe substance abuse of opioids]

Personality Disorder (however my therapist disagrees]

With mutual care and respect,

Patrick

[Poppy234]

I know 2 men with ADHD and impulsivity which leads to sudden rage and demands, usually brought on by stress and frustration, like being late or not finding something they need and people refusing to help. However it is over relatively quickly, maximum duration would be an hour and this would include moody recovery time after the rage which may only be a few minutes long. Some have named it ring of fire ADHD but its to do with impulse control. With these prolonged rages I would say something else is going on for sure in addition to ADHD.

[Bajan1]

I thank you all for your experiences, tips, and concerns! I did not expect many reactions. I am safe, I know thats what evryone things untill it happens- but he would not go physical. Just yesterday he agreed that he will seek therapy, and do what it takes to manage this, he still do not aknowledge the level of his behvaior, he acknowledges that hes VERY angry, but not the behavior, So I showed him a recording of his verbal abuse, It made him so uncomfortable and unrecognizable he asked me to stop it very quickly. I think that helped and changed something. and he believed that he needs help, ironically that never happend before until I made this post. If he doesnt seek help in very near future, unfortunely I will do what most of you say, and leave. I will perhaps post an update on - status, or his diagnosis/treatment. Thank you all for your insights and care!